Title: Never Had The Chance To Say Good-bye
Author: cannibaljello
Rating: R for suicidal things
Pairing: Who else? Kevin x David
POV: Kevin
Disclaimer: I don't own Capcom, but I do own the story. I wrote it some time ago, and decided now to post it after some polishing, since the story was actually based on my own experiences in the past. Decided to use it for the guys because…well, it's drama and it fits.
I left a large piece of the puzzle out so that you, as a reader, can imagine the worst possible way a man could die. Or perhaps the easiest, depending on your decisions…
Edit: There are breaks in the story. Sometimes removes them automatically after it's posted, ugh. Reposted to add them. If I missed some...well, it's my fault. These are symbolized by an x.
x
Can you hear me crying?
Would it hurt you to find me in such a pathetic, weak state? The
strong, confident man you knew has crumbled like an aged building,
the once strong walls collapsing, crashing to the ground, and now
nothing is left but its broken remains. I truly feel this way; half
of me has died. You. I gave you half of my heart, as you did with
yours. And now that you're gone, life feels so worthless…
I don't know how I'm still living, how my heart still beats, even
though it is incomplete. We had always been so close. I had no doubt
that our blood pumped in the same exact rhythm. But now it no longer
does.
If only I would have known, if only I was there for you. If only I
had the chance to say good-bye one last time…
Yes, it's true. I didn't know until it was too late that you where
dead, that I'd never see you again. How I die just wishing that I
could have known, that if I had done something, you'd still be
here with me. What I would do to be able to just bid you farewell/
It's too late now. Everything happened so fast, out of the blue.
One day you where there laughing, walking at my side. The next, you
vanished, torn away from me. The sudden change had shattered my
world, all the emotional confidence I had spent so long building for
myself. I had broken down in front of everyone, and had sobbed until
I was an exhausted wreck on the floor. For days I had done nothing
but. Always sick with depression.
Our friends…they all tried to patch my wounds, they
believe that they did. I lead them to believe I had moved on, that I
stood on stable ground, but deep inside I was no where close to that
point. I was ripped into two pieces and one faded away. How could
anyone expect me to forget that?
And now I was here, beating myself for not being there to save you.
I had always kept my feelings buried deep inside, to all except you.
Sadness was an illness, I believed. One person becomes infected,
others approach them and it is passed on. For some reason I have
always been this way, and for reasons not even I could clearly
explain. It just seemed like a burden on others, to worry about
someone they loved. I was fine coping on my own; I didn't need
anyone to help me.
Maybe I was wrong.
Was I selfish, to keep myself locked away from those who cared about
me? I couldn't tell them, they couldn't possibly understand. No one
could feel the pain I did. Feeling such a way tore at my soul. I was
slowly dying; invisible flames scorched and ate away at my insides.
And no body knew, they couldn't see that deep within I was
screaming.
I would do anything to unleash my frustration. Anything. The anything
that fell under my grasp would be punished, thrown across the room,
shattered into millions of pieces like my life had so cruelly been.
I would scream, cursing and sobbing until my throat was raw, asking
the heavens why they had to take you away from me, why they had
punished you, what you done to deserve such an awful fate.
But they never listened, and I was left in a gasping, sobbing heap on
the floor.
You would hold me, hold me if you were here.
I know you're not, that you can't be. You're gone from my
world, my empty life. But still I persist, sobbing your name out into
the deft, cold air. Maybe it's a plead for help, for someone to
comfort me. Begging for a person to come and fill in the cracks in my
heart. To stop the blood from leaking out, bathing my innards with
crimson.
I'm drowning in myself, and no one can save me. I'm killing myself
and if I don't stop my heart from pumping soon...
Either way, no matter what path I choose to follow, it will lead to
one thing. Death.
Maybe I just can't except the fact that I'll never see you again. No
matter how difficult I try to convince myself, I just can't help
but wonder if it's all just a terrible dream, an illusion. That I'll
wake up and you'll be there, just like in the past. I still imagine
you're here, with me now, crying besides my empty shell of a body.
Are you here, watching me now? Are you adding to my tears? If so, why
cant I see the red droplets, painting whatever surface they fall onto
a bitter sweet red? Why is it so hard to believe you're here with me
now, as the wind so gently stroking my hair? If you where, it would
not dull my pain, because I know the wind flows. And like it, I must
move on. Still I hesitate to take the first step away from you. Do I
fear what will come, what I'll find?
Do I even have the strength to do such things?
x
I sit in the bathroom, surrounded by your belongings. My trembling hands
take hold of the pencils you used only once. I knew – I walked into the
room while you tested yourself with the strength and steadiness of your
hand, the weakness of each eye. That night, sitting in your leathers,
you said that just a little liner would look good, right?
But I knew that nothing could make you look any more beautiful that you
already where, and I truly meant that. Now, I would give anything to
watch you again. But I've lost my chance.
Press it onto my flesh, tracing the contours of my eye like you did,
mimicking your movements, memorized by the time I spent seeing you. It
was always breath taking, the beautiful contrast between the dark colors
and bronze skin. How the blacks, blues, and browns dammed the silver seas
of your eyes. They where always so bright and lively, shining with a
dancing humor. I wonder what they look like now.
Are they open? Where they closed? A sob jerked through my body as I
imagine the crashing waves, stilled by your
death. A dull glaze rested over the waters, the laughing, amused gaze
vanished from them. You have nothing to chuckle at now, you will
never see anything again. The person I so longed to continue to love,
to hold is gone, dead. And I'll never see your eyes, lips, skin
again. I'll never gaze upon your face again.
The pencil clatters to the counter, I can continue no more. It hurts
too much.
x
I return to my room and curl up on the cold mattress of my bed.
Without you here, I felt so small lying along when not long ago, I had
been so large, so strong. The faintest scent of you was still in the
sheets. It didn't occur to me until now how I enjoyed the scent of your
sweat, tinted with the hint of something that could only be described
as you. I clutched the sheets beneath my fingers and buried my head
deeper into the pillows, breathing deeply, trying to inhale the last
of it.
It was so cold without your body pressing against my own, the vast
surface dominated by the freezing air. It surprised me, that when the
tears began falling from my eyes, they didn't turn to ice.
Where you there? Was the tiny fraction of heat keeping the salty
water from freezing yours?
x
It's morning; I had fallen asleep, my tears dried and sticky on
flesh. I dread the day to come, knowing that you won't be there
to wake me up. Someone else will take your place, maybe in this task,
but never in my heart. How could someone expect to wipe you from my
mind? How do they expect me to live in such a lie?
"Kevin, you need to get up..."
Can't she see that I'm no longer him? No longer like her, no longer
living?
Was that my name? It sounds so different said in a voice besides
yours. How I would give anything to hear you say my name again, say
any name, any word. I just need to know your voice again. I fear that
if I don't hear it again, I will forget you. I'll loose the music
I always craved so, and it hurts. To realize that you can never have
such a thing again hurts more than any burn, any broken bone…
A gentle hand brushed my hair out of my eyes, and I could see whom
the voice belonged to before I could name it. Yoko was there;
she was the one pulling me out of the unconscious sleep I had fallen
into. That was when I realized how bad things must have been, if she
was here, worried about me. It was so awkward to have her close, to
have her trying to comfort me…
I didn't have the strength to pull away from my her touch. It
actually felt quite nice to have her warm, tender hands stroking my
hair. Her caresses reminded me of you, and my heart began aching
again, feeling as though it was bruised. A choked sob shambled up out
of my throat, and I tried to swallow it before she heard, but some
how her ears caught it.
"Go ahead, cry, you need to."
I saw her through blurry eyes, the tears swimming in my vision. Her
face was gentle and understanding.
Burying my face in the pillow I let go, clenching the sheets below me
until my knuckles turned white. One of her hands traveled up and down
my back, coaxing the tears out of my shaking body.
For once since your departure, I finally felt loved again…
x
It could have been minutes; it may have been hours before I could
gather my scattered thoughts again. When I finally managed to do so,
it was difficult. My head throbbed painfully, filled with blood. I
could barely see through my swelled eyes, but I know she was still
there, her hand still running its path on my spine, the soothing
caress lulling me asleep.
The touches began fading. She was speaking, her voice seemingly
coming from miles away. I could only recognize a few words, her last
before I fell into the silent, vast darkness of sleep once again. And
for the first time since you moved on, I dreamt peacefully. You where
there with me, and everything began making sense.
"Whatever happens, you'll always be a hero. Always."
Why, why couldn't I believe? Did you?
You did. God, you did. And I couldn't save you. So, when asked again…
do you now? Why can't I hear your voice answering me?
Can anyone else hear it? Have you finally found another?
Nothing can hurt me any worse than I already am. I am already dead.
My soul had shattered, but my body still functions, although it's hollow.
I'll ask everyone, everyone if they can hear you. Had they ever before?
No, no one would understand. They didn't know you like I did. And they
will never have the chance.
You're gone.
x
I stirred from my sleep, lashes fluttering open, tickling my skin.
Yoko was no longer there by my side; the place she had sat now
dominated by the air filling the room. For once the air was no longer
cool, the uncomfortable draft lifted by an invisible force. It was
replaced by sweet warmth, being inhaled, filling my lungs. But still
this did not fill my emptiness. Nothing would, except one thing.
I rose from my bed, stumbling to a place anonymous to my mind, but
known by my body. My feet carried me, drawn by unseen chain. They
followed a path of their own, and I didn't stop them. I knew,
understood what I had to do. It all came together like the pieces of
a puzzle, you had told me everything in the dream. I had listened
too, and finally I knew the cure to my torn soul.
When my feet finally stop, I stand in front of my dresser. With numb
fingers I grasp one of the wooden handles and pull, the wood sliding
against it self as the compartment is opened. I close my eyes,
reaching in, and grasp the object that would kill the pain. The perfect anesthetic.
A knife. Your knife. Before this, I would never have thought that it
would be your weapon that would bring me to an end. But now, I know
that it needs to be done.
The metal was cold beneath my burning touch, a tingling sensation
running up and down my spine. The metal was hard, strong against my
weak flesh. This simple object was able to rule, command, to slice
through muscles fibers with an awkward swiftness. Now I know why you
loved this so. Holding such a thing gives you power, pure and
comforting.
Light dances on the blade, wickedly, tauntingly. For a moment it
reminded me of the sun reflecting off the silver waters of the ocean.
So beautiful, so free. This tool gave me freedom, freedom to choose
how my life will end, freedom to make my own decisions. And I do.
There was no turning back. I had finally approached the end and I had
no where else to go.
x
Press the sharp edge into my skin, watching as the light reflecting
off of the blade paints beautiful silver across my hand. It's so
pure, so clear. If only you where here to see this. Wait you are, I
can feel you now, watching and waiting for my arrival into your
world. I knew you would be there waiting, how could I ever doubt your
love?
Increase the pressure, tilting the blade at an angle. The metal
slides, edge clawing and attacking my skin, eager for what is to come.
Stinging, biting pain, shrieking through my nerves. The blood that
has been bottled up inside me, that has been fighting for freedom
under my flesh, breaks out, spilling onto my torn skin. It is so
warm, burning like a flame, eating away at my body. My skin twitched
feverishly as the crimson flows, in a violent frenzy to escape from
its prison. The heart buried deep in my chest continues its work,
forcing it through my veins and out, pumping for David as he laughs
in glee, like an excited child.
I would join you but my energy is gone, being washed away along with
everything else. My skin is lightening, paling into a waxy white as I
watch my blood dripping into the puddle on the white floor. I never
knew, never thought that there was that much born beneath my skin. It
didn't matter though; I was slowly fading away. I wouldn't
have to rely on it any longer.
I'm falling, dropping as in slow motion. My structure collapses
beneath my weigh and I and sent crashing into the warm red sea. No
longer can I control my body; it twitches and breathes on its own. My
eyes rolled up, gazing at the ceiling resting so high above my fallen
body. For some reason, it seemed further away than I could remember.
But that didn't matter any more…
A tear slid down the side of my face, dripping into my ear but I
couldn't reach to touch it.
My lids felt heavy, weighed down by an invisible force. Where you
doing this? Touching me, closing my eyes so that who ever finds me
will never have to see the emptiness inside? Is your touch lulling me
into the dark sleep I'm falling into? Where you caressing the
pain away, the burning substance in my blood?
Or was I finally dying, past the point of pain, going numb?
No, no you where holding me, I could feel you everywhere at once.
Your arms are wrapped around me in a loving embrace, and the heat
remained, it was still there. You where the heat, I realized.
And it felt so good to be held in your arms again. I knew then, that
it was time to leave, to let go. So I rested, breathing shallow and
relaxed.
My chest rose one last time, heart slowing to a halt.
Like you, who I was with in the end, I didn't rise again.
x
End.