Author's Note: This has probably been done before – Abby's getting back into the hospital where the episode ended in "Skin". But, I just couldn't resist, and I listened to the song by the same title – by 'Sam Phillips' – on repeat while writing this. Take it as you will… love it or hate it… but I just had to write it.
WHEN I FALL
When she broke into a weak run, she found she couldn't organise anything in her mind; nothing would collate into what could pass as a thought, and everything flashed and ran as if on random, making her head throb and ache even worse than it already was. She breathed heavily but in short bursts, her panic and relief swarming through her… an odd and unpleasant combination to say the least. She couldn't help the relief; seeing County General after he'd told her to get out of the car had been like a ray of light at the end of a dark, devouring tunnel that had threatened to shut her out from the rest of the world. It was a lifeline, as it always had been, and she couldn't stop herself from running, no matter how shaky and unsteady her legs seemed to be all of a sudden.
Moving aside subconsciously for an exiting family, she held it in… she couldn't make a show. She was terrified and overwhelmed, but she could not make a show. Not here… not now.
Then when?
She knew holding it all in and storing it away was unhealthy… she couldn't keep it to herself. She had to… well… she had to do something. But… she had promised not to tell…
Suddenly she felt like a bullied child sworn to secrecy. The frightened little girl inside whispered to her that they would come for her if she told… if she let out the secret, then they'd come back and hurt her.
The more mature part of her pushed that one aside, and told her she had to let it out. They wouldn't come back.
… Would they?
Hearing voices and regular hospital sounds all around her somehow comforted but upset her all at the same time, even as a familiar one called to her; "Abby, where the hell…?" They trailed off when Abby Lockhart lifted her eyes.
Susan Lewis looked her in the face, halting altogether at the sight of her. Next to her, another resident stood with a chart, obviously halted in the middle of a question, and he too looked to Abby, eyes widening slightly. "What the hell…?" He dropped the chart on the desk, even as Abby closed her eyes, stood in the middle of the admin hallway, her arms hugged about her small frame, willing herself not to cry.
She was fighting a losing battle…
She looked a horrible mess, and she knew it. They knew it too… how could they not?
"Jesus, Abby… what happened?" Susan inquired with concern flooding her voice, even as footsteps announced their closing up to her.
She felt a hand reach to touch her arm, and then the hold broke; snapped like a frayed thread supporting too much weight. Tears flowed from her eyes, and a sob escaped her aching throat. Her knees weakened, and failed her, and she heard a hissed curse, before strong arms caught her, saving her from her fall. They kept her upright, and she leaned right into them, covering her face with her hands before pressing herself to their chest, shaking and sobbing. She knew she shouldn't cry, but… their voices and faces… their anger and accusation and demands… it wouldn't leave her alone, and it hurt. Abby couldn't escape, even in the arms of someone she soon identified when they spoke to her, trying to comfort but obviously alarmed, worried and taken aback.
"Ssh, Abby, it's okay…" they murmured to her, one hand on her back, the other touching to her hair. Ray Barnett turned his head to Susan.
"Let's get her in a room. Come on."
"Abby… c'mon…" Ray tried to pull back from her to see in her eyes, but she wouldn't let him do it. The darkness and proximity he provided were things she had to have at that moment, and regardless of the fact it was Ray… she didn't want him to let go. If he let go, she'd fall…
She barely even noticed his picking her off her feet, one hand supported under her knees, and the other around her shoulders. In a heartbeat, he was walking, and with purpose; Abby kept her head tucked away, face buried in her hands as she tried to command the tears to stop. Why wouldn't they stop…? She felt silly and small; fragile.
The noise died away, and soon, she felt herself being laid on a bed. But she quickly sat up. They'd made her lie in the back of the car, and she suddenly hated the sensation.
"Abby… Abby, look at me. Abby, what happened?" The male voice was close to her, and filled with worry and desperation, and she suddenly flooded with shame. All this worry for her, and she felt so wretched, still.
Hands came to pull hers away, and despite herself, she let them, finding the light offensive to her eyes despite them being closed. Her head thundered with pain, and she gasped in a sob, her face damp with her own tears of fear and relief all at once. There was that confusion again, and she wanted to just push it all away.
"Open your eyes, Abby."
She did, but it was weakly and timidly that she did so, seeing Ray looking her in the face, even as Susan came back into the room, carrying a few items. She moved straight up to the bed Abby sat on, sitting beside her, and stroking the hair back from her face. "Tell us what happened, Abby. We were worried about you; we didn't know where you were."
The inquiries nearly drove her to tears again, but she fought against them, trembling hands taking the cup of water Susan offered her. She did not drink, but holding it gave her something to focus on; if she could just stop her hands from shaking…
In a meek voice, she wearily started to relay the events to the two of them, trying to keep control of her own body and struggling to do so. She had to keep it together… Susan was someone she felt she could do this in front of, but despite her seeking comfort from being right in front of him and leaning against him, Ray was quite the opposite… she had always kept up a front around him, and she was more than certain he did the same. They were friends, but they were more workmates than anything, and crying in front of him was bad enough… complete degradation into breakdown was something else entirely.
"Oh, God… Abby…" Susan's voice relayed her shock and sympathy, and instantly, she was standing. Abby's hand snatched out, catching the senior's sleeve, looking her in the eye.
"Don't… I'm okay…"
She feared what would happen if Susan called the police. If the two of them realised she had done that, she was certain something would happen, and the mere notion terrified her more than she thought possible.
Susan hesitated, brow knitting together. "Abby… we have to tell someone about this."
They could have killed you…
Abby knew Susan had wanted to say it, but had held back. She was afraid of saying it herself, even. "Please…"
Susan frowned, but nodded all the same. "Okay. If you're sure…" The nod was apparently all she needed. "I'll be back in a minute. Ray, stay with her."
Ray was wary of the situation, but agreed all the same, watching their superior leave the room, closing the door behind her. He looked briefly back to Abby, and then, softly, sat on the bed beside her, where Susan had been not long ago. There was a little distance between them, and in a small voice, as if ashamed of his own hesitation, Ray asked, "Are you going to be all right…?"
Abby couldn't reply. The words wouldn't come… but the tears would. Uncalled for, they brimmed in her eyes and overflowed again, falling slowly in tracks down her dirtied cheeks. Rebellious bangs of messy hair tickled at her face, which showed her upset. She could practically feel Ray's uneasiness, and didn't blame him. She felt stupid… so stupid…
As she sat there, water in hand, she just let the tears tumble, her head hanging in exhaustion as her overwhelming relief exploded out of her. Beside her, Ray hesitated, but eventually placed his hand on her back, rubbing in a slow, soothing motion. Abby shuddered, before leaning sideways into him, eyes closed tiredly as she cried. Silently, Ray let her do so, brushing hair out of her face, allowing her to let it all out.
She was alive… and she couldn't believe it. She had been so certain they would kill her when she'd failed to keep her charge alive.
She'd failed…
Abby had failed before, but somehow, this one death had affected her so much more. It had hurt so badly. It had just about torn her in half.
But she was alive…
Abby was alive…
And she had never been so thankful before in her life.
...Fin...