Hiya peoples!
Okay, this fanfiction involves basic fangirl obsessions combined with the omnipotent power of band crack, also known as pixie stix. ^_^ Yes, there is much insanity, and since the setting is at Hogwarts, sparks will fly (literally) ^_^
Time for the stinky disclaimer…*grumble* I do not own any characters from Harry Potter (I wish I did, though…_), but Rei-Chan is mine. And no, she's not me. She's only the weird little voice in my head.
Yes, there are references to Montrose Academy's The Jar; a most hysterical web comic. I highly recommend reading it. ^_^ Also, there is a reference to Silent Hill, an incredibly excellent (but terrifying) game. Finally, there's a small reference to WeiB Kreuz. See if you can find it. *evil grin*
And for those sheltered souls who have not read Draco Dormiens or Draco Sinister, a Magid is a witch or wizard who can cast magic without the use of a wand. Just FYI.
Anyway, have fun, and remember-Anything can happen when pixie stix are involved. *evil, insane grin*
~~Rei Shizuka Kasen
~~DracoRei-ChanBOOM!~~
Part One
(Setting-Outside grounds of Hogwarts. A Quidditch practice is going on on the pitch. A few students are walking across the green, obviously doing nothing but wasting time.)
Harry- Look at them. They're awful. (Talking about the Quidditch practice)
Hermione- Eh, they're not so bad…they're Hufflepuff! What can you possibly expect?
Harry- True.
Ron- *cocks head to the side* Do you hear that?
Harry- Hear what?
Ron- A flapping sound.
Hermione- You're insane.
*A Swedish Short-Snout appears out of nowhere and lands on the green. A black-haired girl dressed in denim jeans, a black v-cut long sleeve shirt, and a pair of black ski goggles is perched on the dragon's back, squawking like an insane chicken.*
Girl- *Jumps off dragon's back* Good Fluffy-Cutsey-Buttons! Who's the best kitty in the world? Yes, you are! *scratches dragon behind wing*
Hermione- That's a dragon! Not a cat! Get away from there!
Girl- *blinkblink* EEEEEEEEEE!!! *throws both hands in the air* IT'S YOU!!!
Hermione- What's me?
Girl- *races over to the students, tramples Hermione in the process, and throws arms around Harry* HARRY-KUN!!! IT'S REALLY YOU!!!
Harry- Ack! Get off me!
Ron- I wish girls did that to me…
Hermione- *gets up slowly* Operative word: Wish.
Ron- What?
Girl- ………-_- Crap. You're here.
Ron- What's that supposed to mean?!
Girl- *eye twitches* Stupid weasel. Begone.
Hermione- That's not very nice…
Girl- Smart girl.
Harry- *is turning blue from the girl's perpetual hug* Who ARE you? Why are you hugging me? LET GO!!!
Girl- *lets go and smiles kawaii-ly* I'm Rei! You can call me Rei-Chan! *doesn't notice the dragon has begun to eat the Quidditch players in the background*
Hermione- "Rei-Chan…?"
Rei- *glares* I didn't say YOU could call me that…Wait a second. *rummages around in pocket and comes up with several brightly colored tubes* *rips top off one and proceeds to devour powdery substance inside*
Harry- Um…what's that?
Rei- *finishes tube and throws it away* Nothing. *eye twitches* *looks past Harry* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione- What?
Rei- *runs over Harry to another taller individual* SEVVY-POO!!!!!!!! SEVVY-POO-SEVVY-POO-SEVVY-POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione- Sevvy-Poo?
Rei- *glomps individual until he can't breathe* SEVVY-POO!!!!!! WAI!!!!!!!!
Snape- ACK! GET OFF!
Rei- *shakes head wildly* Nopeage!
Snape- NOW!!! I, SEVERUS SNAPE, MASTER OF THIS SCHOOL COMMANDS YOU!!!
Rei- *eyes fill with fangirl tears* My…commanding….Sevvy-Poo…*stars in eyes*
Harry- *gets up and dusts himself off* ACK! Professor! Um…*fights to keep from laughing*
Snape- Get this thing OFF me!
Rei- *disappears, but pops up right behind him* Can I see your dungeon? *disappears again*
Snape- *whirls around but sees nothing* No!
Rei- *reappears in front of him* Can I see your potions? *disappears again*
Snape- *whirls around again, only to see nothing* NO!
Rei- *reappears floating upside down right in front of him* Can I see your leg?
Snape- NO!!!
Ron- Why would you want to see his leg?
Rei- *appears right in front of him* A bad doggie bit him! I wanna see if he's okay!
Snape- I'M FINE!!! It just left a scar.
Rei- Can I see?
Snape- NO!
Rei- Aw, come on! I'm sure it's pretty! *grabs hem of his robes but gets kicked across the lawn* WHEEEEEEeeeeee……..*thud*
Ron- A dog bit him?
Harry- Fluffy, remember?
Ron- Oh yeah.
Rei- *races back over* Fluffy?…*looks around for dragon* Where'd my Fluffy-Cutesy-Buttons go?!?! *spots it eating the last of the people in the stands* There you are! My cute little kitty!
Hermione- Why do you insist on calling that thing a kitty?
Rei- 'Cause that's what it is, silly! *looks around wildly* ACK! Where's my Draco-Kun?!?!?! I want my Draco-Kun!!!
Ron- "Draco-Kun?"
Snape- Draco Malfoy is in the Slytherin Dormitory.
Hermione- Gee, Ron, I never knew you felt that way about him.
Ron- *glares at Hermione* Look, Ray-
Rei- REI.
Ron- Whoever. How about you go away and leave us alone?
Rei- *eye twitches* How about I smack you? *gets out Beater's bat and whacks Ron on the head* *KNNG* (sound of Ron's skull against the bat)
Harry- Where'd you get that?!
Rei- Stole it from an "orderv" over there. *points to dragon, who's picking its teeth with another bat*
Snape- Ah. Well, go find Mr. Malfoy. As I said, he's in the Slytherin common room. The password's…*whispers in her ear*
Rei- ^_^ Thanky! *gives him one last glomp, then disappears*
Harry- You told her where to go?!?!
Snape- *shrugs* Better him than me.
Hermione- Can't deny that logic.
Snape- *strides off towards castle, but calls over his shoulder* Oh, by the way- A thousand points from Gryffindor.
Harry, Hermione, Ron- WHAT?!
Snape- That little fiasco was your fault. Another word from any of you and I'll take another thousand.
*The dragon swoops over and promptly chomps down Hermione and Ron.*
Harry- AAAAAUGH!!! *runs off screaming*
Snape- *doesn't notice anything but Harry's incessant screaming* There's another thousand points gone. Too bad.
Part Two
(Setting-Outside the Slytherin Common Room.)
Rei- *appears out of nowhere* HEL-lo!…Oh, yeah, password. *gets out another tube and eats the whole thing in one gulp* Ehehehehehehehehee……..Bas-EEL-ishk! ("Basilisk")
*Wall slides back reluctantly*
Rei- *screams happily at a glass-shattering octave* WAI! *scurries around common room* Draco?! *looks in chair* Draco?! *looks out window* Draco?! *disappears and reappears in the boy's dormitories* Draco?! *sees Flint changing*
Flint- HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!
Rei- Oops. *disappears and reappears in the common room* Gah! I reeeeeeeeeeeeely didn't need to see that…*shuddershudder*
*wall opens and Draco strides in*
Rei- WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! DRACO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Draco- Excuse me?
Rei- *races across dungeon and tackles him* EEE!!! DRACODRACODRACO!!!!!
Draco- *hits floor hard* OW! GEROFF ME!!!
Rei- *blinkblink* Geroff?
Draco- GET OFF!!!
Rei- Oh. *gets up and begins to bounce up and down like an extremely hyper rabbit*
Draco- *gets to his feet* *looks at Rei with a look of fear and disgust* Um….are you okay?
Rei- *doesn't answer, but continues to bounce up and down*
Draco- Hello?
Rei- *stops bouncing*………I can't believe it's really you!!! I'm absolutely delighted to make your-……….Uh oh. Time for a recharge. *takes out two tubes and eats them whole* *begins to bounce again at an incredible rate*
Draco- Are you on drugs or something?
Rei- *octave changing on each syllable* SoRt oF! *continues bouncing* BaNd CrAck!!!
Draco- Okay……..*begins to slowly back away*
*wall slides open and Snape strides in*
Rei- SEVVY-POO!!! WAI!!!
Snape- I see you've found him.
Draco- What's that supposed to mean?!
Snape- Nothing. Nothing at all.
Draco- Suuuuuuuuuuure………*snicker* "Sevvy-Poo"…
Snape- *vein on forehead bulges* Say WHAT?!
Draco- She said it first. *points to still bouncing Rei*
Snape- That's no excuse! Twenty points from Gryffindor!
Draco- ………….Gryffindor?
Snape- You really think I'd take points off my own house?
Draco- Of course not. I see your point.
Rei- ………WAI!!! I've decided!
Snape- What?
Rei- You can go away. *snaps fingers and Snape disappears* Let's go snog behind the curtain, Draco!
Draco- WHAT?!?!
Rei- Snogsnogsnog!!! *claps hands rhythmically*
Draco- But I'm a Magid! Snogging…is…uh….not good!
Rei- *whine* Why?!?!?!?!?
Draco- …Um…If you're not a Magid, I'd kill you.
Rei- Well, I'm a Magid!
Draco- *gulp* You are?!?!
Rei- *nods at an incredible rate* Uh huh!
Draco- Um…well, that's STILL bad.
Rei- WHY?!?!!?!?!
Draco- Um…if two Magids snog, there's a big explosion.
Rei- *blinkblink*…………..What?
Draco- An explosion. You know…BOOM!
Rei- *thinks* Draco….Rei-Chan…Boom…*screams* DRACOREI-CHANBOOM!!!
Draco- ACK!
Rei- *runs in circles around Draco* DracoRei-ChanBOOM!!!DracoRei-ChanBOOM!!!DracoRei-ChanBOOM!!! *laughs like an insane chipmunk*
Voice- Stupefy!
Rei- *gets hit mid-scream by a flash of red light and falls directly on her face, unconscious*
Draco- *spins around* Gah! Whoever that was, thank-…IT'S YOU!!!
Sirius- IT'S ME!
Draco- *runs off to owlery* I'm owling my father!
Sirius- *blinkblink* Whiner.
*Wall opens and Dumbledore strides inside, Snape tagging along at his heels*
Snape- YOU!
Sirius- Me. *thinks* This conversation sounds familiar somehow…
Dumbledore- *is obviously amused* Lovely to see you again, Sirius.
Sirius- *nods* Albus.
Snape- What's going on?!?!
Sirius- I'm looking for a Swedish Short-Snout…
Snape- You mean the one that just ate the entire Hufflepuff Quidditch team?
Sirius- Probably. A young girl stole it when I was…um…incapacitated in the next town over.
Snape- "Incapacitated"? Don't you mean "getting l-"
Sirius- SHUT UP.
Snape- Anyway, ask her. *gestures to unconscious Rei*
Sirius- Ah. Okay. *points wand at Rei* Ennervate.
Rei- *wakes up suddenly* WAH!…*blinkblink* What the…*looks around* Good Lord, it's Sirius Black!
Sirius- Astute girl.
Dumbledore- Good morning, dear. Can you tell us where a dragon is? The one you took earlier?
Rei- *blinkblink* Oh, you mean Fluff? He's outside somewhere…I saw him by the Quidditch field last.
Dumbledore- Thank you.
Snape- *totally flabbergasted* Wha…She wasn't like THIS! She was hanging all over me! What's going on?!?!?!
Sirius- Fifteen-year old girls hanging all over you is not something to be particularly proud of, Snape…
Snape- SHUT UP.
Rei- ………………..I take it I've missed something.
Dumbledore- I should say so.
Rei- Wait a second…I need a wake-up call…*takes out more bright tubes and devours them in one gulp*…*eyes focus, unfocus, then focus again*…………WAI!!!!!! SIRIUS-KUN!!!!!!
Snape- Here we go again.
Sirius- Again?
Rei- *screams at the top of her lungs and glomps Sirius* My favorite ex-convict!
Sirius- GAH!
Snape- That was about my reaction.
Dumbledore- I see.
Rei- *slow intake of breath* DUMBLEDORE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! *grabs the front of his robes and marches him out the door* You need a paradigm shift!
Sirius- Um…
Snape- So.
Sirius- *looks at watch*
Rei- *pokes head through door* May I present Professor Albus Dumbledore; as made over by me!
*Dumbledore walks in the door-His beard and hair are braided and in dreadlocks; His bright blue robes have been replaced by grunge-style clothes; and he's sporting a set of ski goggles not unlike Rei's.*
Snape and Sirius- *eyes bulge out of sockets*
Dumbledore and Rei- ^_^
Snape and Sirius- ……………………..
Dumbledore and Rei- ^_^
Snape and Sirius- ………………………………………………………
Dumbledore and Rei- Wai!
Sirius- Excuse me. I have to go gouge my eyeballs out now.
Dumbledore- Then you won't be able to look for your dragon…
Sirius- I don't care.
Snape- *averts eyes* Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but where did you say the dragon was?
Rei- Kitty! Kitty in the house!
Sirius- "Kitty in the house?"
Snape- That's the name of the flower shop I visit…
Sirius- …….Flower shop?
Snape- Shut up.
Sirius- Anyway, what do you mean, "Kitty in the house?"
Rei- *points out window*
*all four go to window, where they see the Swedish Short-Snout destroying Hagrid's hut-Hagrid is running around it screaming, "Fin'ly! My very own drag'n! All mine!"*
Rei- *screams* FLUFFY IS MINE!!! *jumps out window and falls to the ground with a thud, then gets up and runs over to Hagrid. She takes out her Beater's bat, whacks him on the head, and runs over to the dragon. It promptly stops its destruction and lets Rei on its back, then flies away.* I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP……YAWP!!! *laughs like a deranged squirrel*
Sirius, Snape, Dumbledore- *blinkblink*
Sirius- That was interesting…
Snape- That's an understatement.
Dumbledore- I have half a mind to let her come to school here…
Snape and Sirius- NO!!!
Dumbledore- Just joking.
Sirius- Crap. Now I have to continue my search.
Draco- *races back in* Ha ha! A dementor's on its way! Ha ha!…*looks around* Wait…Where'd that weird girl go?
Sirius- She took my dragon and left.
Draco- Darn. I was about ready to take her up on her offer.
Snape- Offer?
Draco- None of your business. *notices Dumbledore's clothes* My God, Professor…What the hell happened to YOU?!
Dumbledore- A…"paradigm shift".
Draco- Whatever. You look really wretched.
Dumbledore- I'm fully aware.
Draco- Uh huh……..
*silence fills the room*
*the wall slides open and a blonde-haired girl enters*
Girl- Have you seen a girl around here?
*DUN DUN DUNNNN….*
~fin~
Yeah yeah, I know. Stupid ending. Sorry…it's the best I can do at 11:00 at night. So sue me. Anyway, read! Flame! Review! And stay tuned.
Next we have RemusGaiaHOWL.