Location; S.H.E.I.L.D's giant flying aircraft carrier.
Time; Just after Loki escapes and grabs his staff.
Make note of the fact that not everything is going to be exactly right, because I've only seen the movie once and I don't remember everything in detail. For example, I can't recall if Loki escaped in a helicopter or an airplane.
Like, whatever.
Enjoy.
Loki walked down the corridor with confident strides. Everything had so far gone as planned. He'd escaped, gotten his staff back, killed a guy. All in all, it was a good day. He smirked as he walked.
"Hey."
He paused, looked around. The hallway was empty. His brow creased. Glancing around suspiciously, he continued on his way.
"Hey you."
This time, he stopped completely. "Reveal yourself!" He demanded angerly. The pristine halls remained stubbornly empty. He glared at the walls, waiting for someone to jump out at him.
"Hey. Get out of here." The voice came again. "Go back the way you came."
Loki looked suspiciously at the wall the sound seemed to be originating from. He walked up to it and peered at it with narrowed, blue eyes. To him, it appeared to be an average Midguardian wall in every way. He sniffed at it curiously.
Suddenly, a hand shot out, straight through the wall, grabbed the lapel of his jacket, and pulled him into an undignified heap on the other side. He growled and jumped up, glaring at the girl that was now proceeding to ignore him.
"Mortal! I will grind your bones into dust!" He shouted. "You will regret the day-"
"Shut up." She glanced at him, then turned back to looking into the hall he had just been in, as if there hadn't been a wall there a second ago. He glared at her as she put her back against the wall and peered around the corner.
"You are less than nothing compared to me!" Loki raved. "I can make you-"
"Six fifty three p.m., objective two minuets from extraction point." The girl said, giving no reaction to his outburst. She held a tape recorder to her lips, and she whispered, as if not wanting to be over herd. "The Weasel has chosen to accompany me on my mission, bringing great pearl with his obnoxious noise, threatening to give us away."
Loki blinked in disbelief. "A weasel?" He said, outraged. "Obnoxious? I am a mighty god! I will rule this world with an iron fist! I will-"
"-give us away with your obnoxious noise." She glared pointedly at him, and turned back to observing the corridor with sharp eyes. She continued to narrate into the tape recorder, leaving Loki to sputter stupidly at her.
"Six fifty four p.m., objective one minuet from extraction point." She whispered. "Weasel fumes in background while I prepare myself for the defining moment of my life. Will they write books about this moment? Erect monuments? Sing great ballads?" She hesitated. "Probably not. But they should."
"What are you on about?"
"Shhh!" She made a sharp gesture with her hand, and Loki unconsciously moved to put his back against the wall when he herd voices and movement coming down the hall.
"What is-"
"Shh!" She hissed again. Her voice lowered further. "Target approaching. Prepare for action."
"What was that?" A male voice inquired.
"I dunno." Another replied. "Did it come from over the intercom?"
"Despite my clever hiding place," The girl continued to speak into the recorder. "They seem to be on to me." She glanced back at Loki and wrinkled her nose. The God stared at her, finally realizing she was an idiot. "Perhaps they can smell the Weasel's breath."
"Hey!" He shouted. She stomped a boot on his foot, and he glared at her and pulled out of the fugitive crouch he had joined her in against the wall. He stepped back and pointed his spear threateningly at her, just as two S.H.E.I.L.D. lackeys came walking into view. They were looking around the corridor, much as Loki had just moments ago, confused. They didn't seem to notice the god or the weird girl. A hover cart trailed behind them, moving without human assistance and no doubt following their heat signatures.
"Do you think it's one of Ginta's jokes?" One of them asked.
"I don't think even he would joke at a time like this." The other replied.
"They may be on to us," The girl whispered into the recorder. "But by the time they find us, it will be much too late."
One of the guards glanced around and began pointing his weapon around. "Hey, we can hear you, you know."
Loki shook his head. "I don't have time for this." He began to step in the direction of the guards in the adjacent corridor, who still seemed confused and unable to locate him, despite the fact that he was right in front of them. He was stopped by a tug on his sleeve.
"Chance of death if you continue on your current course are two hundred to one." She said, looking at him straight in the eyes. "I advise you wait-" She looked at her watch. "-thirty seven seconds before attempting to leave. Escape is a distinct possibility if my advice is followed."
"Hey!" Guard One shouted nervously. "Show yourself! We know your there!"
Loki snorted. "I do as I please." He jerked his sleeve out of her hand and turned back to the corridor just as-
Explosion. That's all it could be called. The ground rocked beneath his feet, and a wave of hot air had him sprawled back on the ground. The girl, leaning against the wall, kept her footing steady and remained unaffected by the blast wave. His jaw dropped open as an enormous, green...thing roared and charged at the poor guards, who started in shock as the Hulk bore down on them.
They eventually regained their senses and scrambled to their feet, desperately trying to escape. They disappeared from sight, and the Hulk came pounding down like a gorilla and disappeared after them.
Loki sat, stunned, for a moment, before he shook himself and stood, stumbling twords the now destroyed hallway.
"Wait just one more moment..." The girl cautioned. Loki stopped this time, looking at her. How had she known that would happen? Or maybe she just got lucky. But she seemed to have it timed down the exact second it would happen. He looked back to the corridor as pounding footsteps came to him.
His brother, ex-brother, Thor came stampeding down the hallway after the giant green Hulk, his hammer firmly clasped his fist. He didn't even glance at Loki as he passed the side corridor they resided in, and he was gone as soon as he came.
The girl ran up and pulled him forward into the hall. Loki looked back, only to be greeted by the smooth, innocent wall he had only been able to see from this side of the hallway.
"Obstructions taken care of." She said into the tape recorder. "Five minuet window now open to complete objective and escape to next check point."
She released his sleeve and moved to the hover cart, now standing oddly untouched in the middle of the destruction. It was loaded down with unmarked, cardboard boxes that were quickly raided by the girl and placed in a backpack she had slung over one shoulder. The boxes were not small, however, and she only fit two before she turned back to Loki and grabbed his sleeve again.
"Mission accomplished." She said into the recorder. "Objective attained. Weasel and I now have four minuets, twenty five seconds to escape before our chances of remaining undetected are cut in half."
"I'm not a weasel." Loki muttered childishly as he was pulled along.
"Are too." She looked back at him and stuck her tongue out. He scowled. She suddenly took a turn into a janitor's closet, taking the annoyed God with her. He really couldn't understand why he was going along with this.
"What are we doing-"
"Shh!" She hissed. He was starting to really hate that sound.
"Second obstruction arriving in seven point three seconds." She whispered. "Prepare to fall silent."
And sure enough, footsteps from outside the door. An entire platoon of foot solders. Loki and the girl waited patently until all the men had passed, taking their shouts and panicking orders with them. After that, she once again raised the recorder to her lips.
"It almost killed me, but I managed not to gag at the sheer amount of Asguardian ego choking up the air. I may need to burn my cloths, however."
"That's it." Loki scowled. "Who are you to taunt me, the god of lies?"
"God of lies?" She questioned him. "Then you should be able to tell I haven't lied once in my observations of you." With that, she was out the door and running down the hall, leaving the angerly sputtering Loki to catch up on his own.
"Hey!" He shouted when he caught her. "You didn't answer my question!"
"You are the oh so mighty god of something or other. What do you care?"
He growled. "I want to know the name of the idiot I'm about to smite."
"Smite? Really?" She smirked.
Irritated, he marched ahead of her, taking a left. "Forget this!" He fumed. "I have better things to be doing."
"I wouldn't go that way if I were you." She called.
He sighed, stopped, and massaged his eyes with his fingertips. "And why not?" He asked, his back to her.
"No reason." She said innocently. "It just might hinder your 'better things to do' excuse."
"For your information-" He spun around, his spear extended and glowing ominously, only to find the hallway empty. He cautiously poked at the walls for a bit, and glared suspiciously at the empty corridor, before finally turning on his heels and striding down the hallway.
"I'm still going this way." He grumbled to himself.
After wading through group of guards that just took forever to die, he walked for about twenty minuets before coming to a dead end and turning around in a huff. He really should not have turned left. It took him, like, forever to find his way to the launch pad where his minions were waiting with an escape chopper.
Only it was leaving without him.
"I will kill them all in the most horrible way imaginable." He muttered under his breath. He raised his spear to the heavens, and with a rush of magic, he was launched off the ground and into the air. He landed with a sizable boom on the helicopter's open platform, not quite as thunderous as his brother would have done it, but impressive, none the less.
"Who the bloody hell-" He began to yell, before noticing all his minions were remarkably unresponsive for escaping villains. In fact, they almost looked...he wrinkled his nose. Yep. Yep, they were definitely dead.
He ground his teeth together and glared at the cockpit, where the unknown pilot had not yet acknowledged him. "Hey! Who the hell do you think you are?" He shouted. A helmeted head swiveled around to look at him, and he noticed the dark brown hair and box shaped back pack sitting next to her, and oh god there was that smirk...
"Took you long enough, Weasel." Her voice came on over the intercom, patronizing and annoying. "You really took your time, didn't you?"
He narrowed his eyes and pointed his spear at her. Her grin widened. "Do you know how to drive one of these things?" She asked. His spear was, reluctantly, lowered.
"You will transport me to a place of my choosing." He demanded.
"Hmm? Oh, yah, sure, sure. We just have to make a quick pit stop."
He took one long, restraining breath in, and reached around with his staff to place the sharp point at her breast bone. Blue light streamed into her body and she jerked. "You will do as I say." He demanded. Her eyes glazed over.
"Yes master." She droned. Loki smirked triumphantly, completely missing the fact that her eyes were still green instead of the hazy blue of his other minions.
"But first we have to make a pit stop, master." She droned. Loki frowned.
"But after that, I can ether kiss your boots or your ass, as your preference, master." She continued in the same monotone. He scowled."Oh, shut up." He growled.
She snickered. One delicately feminine hand reached forward and flicked a switch on the control panel of the helicopter, and she turned and stood up. "Auto pilot will get us there, but it won't land us, so don't go thinking you don't need me." She grabbed her backpack off the floor and brushed past him uncomfortably close to get to the passenger section, seating herself in one of the harnesses not occupied by a corpse.
Loki, still moody, followed her and took the seat across from her. "Why didn't that work on you?" He demanded.
"Please!" She said as she removed one of the boxes from her backpack. "Don't make me laugh! Such tricks won't work on me." Loki watched, interested despite himself, as she opened the box and proceeded to pull out...
"What are Oreos?" He asked, confused.
She looked at him, and very seriously said, "The food of the Gods."
He frowned. "I do not recall ever seeing such-"
"Oh, take a joke!" She said sarcastically. "God, so damn serious all the time!" She grinned impishly at him suddenly and deepened her voice, like an imitation. "Why so serious?"
"I fail to find anything to laugh at in this dreary, hallow world of fools." He said dryly.
"Oh my God!" She cried. "How can you not get a batman reference?" She threw her hands up and, as if talking to some higher being, cried, "How can he not get a batman reference?"
"Silence your mockery at once, girl!" He demanded. "Or I might just find the effort it takes to heal myself from a high fall worth killing you."
"Would you like an Oreo?" She asked suddenly, smiling. He glared at her.
"I find no pleasure in your pathetic, Midguardian, so-called food." He sneered at her.
"Would you like one, or two?" She asked, with that same smile as she opened the package.
He glowered. "Two."
"I will show you how to eat them properly." She said happily. She pulled out what looked to Loki like three disks stuck together, in the pattern of black, white, black. She handed it to him and took another for herself.
"Okay," She said, holding up her cookie. "First, you have to pull it apart, like this, and then you lick the white stuff off whichever side it sticks to" Loki, studying her actions intently, did as she did, and licked off the white...paste? Was it sapost to be some sort of frosting? His face scrunched up.
"Can you not eat the black part?" He asked.
"Not yet." She rolled her eyes. "That's next." She held up the remaining part of her cookie. "You have to put the two sides back together again, and then you eat them." She demonstrated.
"But, would it not be easier to just eat the two colors together, as they come?" He asked, confused.
"No!" She admonished, glaring. "That's a stupid fricken gimmick and everybody knows it!"
He blinked at her, but did as she said, grumbling the whole time. "You still haven't told me who you are." He muttered.
She looked at him then, long and hard, and finally, she pulled the tape recorder out of her jacket and and held it once more to her lips. "Codename," She began.
His eyes flashed to her's.
"Valkyrie."
Yah, so apparently in this, Loki never threw Thor out the window, but he still managed to escape. And apparently, he can't use his mighty god powers to not get lost in a big airship (or common sense, apparently, because men just never ask for directions). And apparently, some girl snuck aboard to kidnap him and steal some Oreos that were under armed guard.
Whatever.
Read and Review.