I was at a concert and heard a wonderful rendition of Merle Haggard's song written by Hank Cochran "It's Not Love, but it's Not Bad" and it inspired me to write this one shot. I encourage you to listen to the Dayna Kurtz/Mamie Minch version on itunes which is who I heard sing it. FYI, Hank Cochran wrote the Patsy Kline song "I Fall to Pieces," which is what made me think of Nashville.
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Rayna woke up in the middle of the night and was startled when she realized she wasn't sure where she was, then she heard breathing on the other side of the bed and remembered the drunken night of two-stepping and tequila that she had with Liam last night. She smiled remembering how chivalrous he'd been trying to carry her over the threshold of his loft, then totally tripped and dropped her on the floor. She'd grabbed his hand on the way down pulling him to join her on the rug, still three feet from the couch.
While he was apologizing she decided to take control of the situation and jumped him, rolling on top of him and kissing him. To his credit he'd stopped her for a second, and asked if they should be doing this considering how drunk they both were and well…the recent circumstances. Rayna assured him that this time she really was free, nothing to tie her to the past anymore, her marriage was over, and so were any remaining relationships that could muck up their night of fun.
This led to the most fun Rayna had had in a while. She wondered if being with someone new would be strange, but it wasn't, well not exactly. It was different, but that's what made it exciting. She was tired of feeling tied to the person she had been 15 or 20 years ago, she had woken up from a coma, from almost dying. She was a new woman, she wanted to feel like one, and Liam made her feel all new and shiny in ways she couldn't have even imagined.
Sex with Deacon had always been filled with passion and promise, as if each time they'd made love was a deep and meaningful re-affirmation of how much they loved each other. With Teddy it had been a thank you for rescuing her from the destruction that was her life with Deacon, for being Maddie's father even though she wasn't his. It had always been nice, but it had never gone beyond that.
With Liam it was just about body parts rubbing against each other and tingling sensations running to her head. It was about fun. It didn't have to have meaning, it wasn't a duty, it was two people enjoying each other for what their relationship was, not the promise of what it could be past this night.
She turned over and watched the rise and fall of Liam's chest. Each peaceful breath calmed any nerves she'd had about the night. She reached over and brushed a hair out of his face, then she slipped out of the bed. She found his faded T-shirt from an old Zeppelin concert lying on the floor. Rayna picked it up, running her fingers over the frayed edge, then pulled it over her head. She quietly slipped out into the living room, being careful to shut the door behind her.
She rooted around a little for a pad and paper then sat down on the couch with one of Liam's acoustic guitars. Rayna played a couple of chords until she got the melody that she wanted right. She started to hum, then grabbed the pencil and jotted down a few words on the pad.
"He was always there each time I needed you. Holding on to me, like I held on to you. We still don't have what you and I once had. No it's not love, but it's not bad."
She thought about Teddy, how he'd always loved her much more than she'd loved him, how she'd wished that she could have loved him the way that he'd deserved, but she just hadn't had it in her. With the final divorce papers being signed in the next few weeks she wished she'd felt sad, but all she felt was relief.
Then she thought about Liam and how he was really what she needed right now. She knew deep down he was just a temporary distraction, but like Tandy always said, there's no quicker way to get over someone than to get under someone else. "God," Rayna thought, "my sister can be so crude sometimes when she wants to be." She strummed a couple more chords then scratched some additional lyrics down on the paper.
"No, it's not love, not like ours was, it's not love, but it keeps love from driving me mad. And I don't have to wonder who he's had. No it's not love, but it's not bad."
Rayna stood up and grabbed her purse that was on the floor by the door where she'd dropped it. She placed it on the coffee table next to the couch and looked through it for a piece of gum. She was reaching down into one of the side pockets when her hand hit a strip of photo paper. The moment her fingers touched the glossiness of the stock she realized what was on it. She knew she should just leave it in there, or better yet, take it out and throw it away without looking at it, but she couldn't will herself to do either. She slowly removed the 1.5 by 8 inch strip of three photographs taken in a booth in a dark bar in Charlotte during the tour a few months ago. She had ordered a Stella, her photo mate a seltzer. They were both in their hands during the first photo, but by the third their hands were all over each other, and their lips were pressed together.
Rayna felt her breath hitch and her heart ache. She tried to put it out of her mind. She forced herself to think about the first time the two of them had taken a photo booth photo, when they were in Georgia at the state fair. The photos were fun and goofy, but then Deacon had disappeared twenty minutes later while she was talking to the drummer in their band. She had found him that evening passed out next to the pig sty.
This thought had the opposite affect of what Rayna wanted and the tears started streaming down her face. She went to tear up the photos in her hand but she just couldn't get herself to do it. She looked at their smiling faces as if they were long lost relatives who's photos she found in an old trunk in the attic, then neatly tucked the strip back into the pocket where she'd found it. Rayna wiped the tears away from her face and walked back over to the bedroom to check on Liam. She slowly opened the door and saw that he was still lying in the same position he'd been in an hour before when she'd gotten up. She smiled to herself, then shut the door and walked back over to the couch. Rayna played a little more on the guitar, then wrote the final verse of the song.
"I turn to him when you leave me alone, sometimes even when you're here you're still gone. He's slowly changing what you leave so sad. No it's not love, but it's not bad.
No it's not love, not like ours was. It's not love, but it keeps love from driving me mad. And I don't have to wonder who he's had. No it's not love, but it's not bad."
Rayna pulled the piece of paper with the song off of the pad and tucked it into a different pocket of her purse. She spied the clock, it said 4:35am. She had a full day tomorrow with the girls and a meeting with Jeff to discuss her new album. She walked back into the bedroom and climbed into bed. She leaned over and kissed Liam on the cheek before rolling back over to her side and closing her eyes. She had to admit he looked pretty sexy lying there naked without a care in the world. "Yeah," she thought, "This isn't love, but it's certainly not bad."
- The End