Bitch I Eat People

A/N: Hello~ Hello~ ~Hello~~~! I am back and mostly because I can't get this idea out of my head! So for now Once Awake is on pause till this fleshes out and I fix up the previous fic. In the meantime this is done completely for fun so flames won't do anything mostly because there's barely a 30% chance I'll bother to actually read the reviews. Either way it's honestly a pleasure to be back and without further adieu let's get going!

Disclaimer: You think my wallet would be this empty if I owned either Naruto or Tokyo Ghoul? Yeah, no.

Chapter 1: In Which Mizuki Fucks Up and Iruka is Traumatized

Naruto stared blankly at Hiruzen, "Jiji…I know your old and never thought you were senile but now I realize it's because YOU'RE COMPLETELY FUCKING DELUSIONAL!"

BONK! "ITAI!"

Hiruzen sat back in his chair, chewing a lollipop because Hokage or no there would be no smoking in the hospital especially after he dragged Tsunade back. God that was painful. And expensive. So. Fucking. Expensive.

"It is understandable you are distraught Naruto-" he ignored the aggressive muttering, "but watch your language and listen. As much as I wish this were a joke and I wish this was just the rambling of a doddering old fool it is no lie."

There was a brief moment of silence.

"So what? Now I eat people? That'll go over well! 'HI! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I like pranks, hanging out with friends, and eating people!' Sounds like the perfect way to not scare the living shit outta clients Jii-chan!"

Hiruzen pinched the bridge of his nose while simultaneously flaring his chakra to alert Tsunade.

'I'm too old for this particular brand of shit.'

Iruka stared in horror. Mizuki had gotten his hands on some sort of chakra suppression seal and while that was all well and good for keeping the Kyuubi at bay, it apparently did fuck all for the ridiculous interference the seal had on the Shiki Fujin. Iruka knew that the Uzumaki clan were exceptional and had a wealth of special talents and were also rumored to have had some ridiculous Kekkei Genkai but he wasn't expecting anything remotely close to what he was seeing now.

Naruto, who had been subsequently stabbed after the seal application, rose more like a door on hinges rather than a person. He had looked briefly down at the Kunai in his chest (buried right where his heart should no longer be beating) and yanked it out. He turned an emotionless visage on a terrified Mizuki, pulled the spent tag from his chest, and then vanished.

There was a wet squelch and Iruka turned to see that Mizuki had been disarmed. Literally. Naruto then vanished once more, and Mizuki's Fuuma Shuriken were sheathed in his neck while the young academy student watched on dispassionately. Iruka thought the horror would end after Naruto nearly decapitated Mizuki but apparently he was wrong. First, Naruto's eye turned black, the iris blood red, and a set of veins burned with bloodlust extended straight out from pupil to temple and overlapped his cheeks. It was almost like the Byakugan. Except terrifying. Oh, right. Then he started eating Mizuki.

Iruka sat shell shocked before blacking out. The last thing he heard was the crunch of bone and the ripping of flesh as his prized student ate his ex-teacher for a late night snack.

Hiruzen sighed heavily. So many secrets just blown wide open. So much dirty laundry aired when he wasn't prepared to deal with it. Not enough time to just sit back and read his precious book and smoke his beloved pipe. Naruto chose to ignore the crocodile tears streaming down the face of the most powerful man in the village and instead focused on getting an explanation.

"Oi! Ya old coot! Quit ya blubbering and friggin' explain already! I almost threw up eating regular food because I apparently can't anymore and my last meal was a village traitor. I. Am. Hungry. Ttebayo! Get a move on before we discover whatever the hell this Kekkei Genkai does when I'm actually in the mood to eat!"

Hiruzen winced once more and focused. Ugh with his luck Naruto would be a binge eater and everything would go even more sideways that it already had.

"Alright. Well starting out, I knew both your parents-" "YOU FUCKING WHAT?!" "-and kept them hidden for a very specific reason." Naruto seemed riotous but relented and made no move to keep yelling. "To put it plainly, if I hadn't kept quiet about your heritage you would either be dead already, kidnapped and used for breeding stock in a foreign nation, or being dissected for the secrets your blood holds." Naruto paled and Hiruzen took that as a sign to keep going, "Both of your parents were stupid powerful, stupid famous, and both of a pedigree that every single Kage to this day would be jealous of. They essentially make every other noble clan look like a bad joke rolled in shit"

'Shit. If Jii-chan is swearing this ain't anything to fuck about with'

The Old Kage crunched harshly on his lollipop (It was cathartic dammnit!) and forged ahead, "Thankfully this bloodline had been recorded on your mother's side, and while she never awakened it her close cousin did and as such she kept a record just in case. Granted every Kekkei Genkai the clan had ever held were previously recorded, but that was lost when the country burned in the Second Great Shinobi War." Hiruzen idly chewed the candy that was stuck to his molars (it was gonna be a pain to get out) while Naruto digested the information.

"And my pops?"

$ ##%^&! ^~! 'Of course he'd ask'

Sarutobi sighed, "That would be Minato Namikaze, Fourth Hokage, Yellow Flash, and unconfirmed decendant of Tobirama Senju. And before I forget, your mother was Kushina Uzumaki, Red Death, last of the main branch of the Uzumaki, and decendant of Mito Uzumaki's Niece. Oh, right. In case you didn't know, Mito Uzumaki was the Shodaime's wife."

Naruto's eyes rolled up and he fell over in a dead faint. The Sandaime sighed. 'Where was Tsunade dammnit! She had better not be off guzzling sake! At least not without sharing the greedy brat!' Sarutobi grumbled the whole way to find his student. And probably get another lollipop.

Naruto was not happy with all this running. He was thankful that the ridiculous physical boost that came with his Kekkei Genkai at least meant he could roof and tree hop many times faster than was previously able to. Seriously though! Where the hell was this training ground and why the hell was this taking so long?

"Oy! Jii-chan, this place got a barrier on it?"

Hruzen glance back, "No. Why?" Naruto rolled his eyes and huffed, "Then we haven't used Shunshin to get there because ya actually are senile then? Yeesh! Next thing ya gonna tell me is that ya ain't been usin' Kage Bunshin to get paperwork done."

Naruto ended up having to back track because he'd not noticed when Hiruzen had stopped, turned to the trunk of the tree whose branch he was standing on, and rammed his head face first in the thick bark repeatedly. Proceeding to ignore Naruto's muttered comment about senile old men, he put a hand on the boys shoulder and Body Flickered to the reserved training ground.

"Oh! Baa-chan is here too! Hey Jiji, how'd ya manage to get the old bat away from her sake stash long enough? She lose another bet?"

CLONK! "Oy! That hurt!" BONK!

"Che! Cheaky brats these days got no respect." Tsunade looked about as annoyed and exasperated as Hiruzen felt at the moment. Honestly, they really were friends but were the most stubborn pair of people he'd ever had to introduce to one another. Ignoring their bickering and the pebbles they'd taken to throwing at each other alongside the verbal barbs, the old Kage turned and welcomed the other two presences he'd requested.

"NEKO-ANEUE!" Yugao Uzuki was promptly tackled in a hug hard enough to force her back a step. That did nothing to quell the smile on the face hidden beneath the mask she wore, or the snuggling she returned full force to the blonde. Kakashi at her side chuckled softly and pat the boy on the head. Naruto held a fist out for him to bump before the Jinchuriki scampered up the taller ANBU's shoulders.

Naruto unwittingly mimicked the man's eye smile, "Yo Inu-Aniki. How ya been old man?"

Kakashi and Yugao both pulled their masks off and clipped them to their belt. Yugao saluted and Kakashi settled for a lazy wave.

"Maa Naru-tan," the blonde's nose wrinkled at the cutesy nickname, "It's been fine. Missions. Reading. Sleeping."

Naruto in turn rolled his eyes and front flipped off his shoulders to stand just in front of the two Jonin so he could address the real old man.

"So Jii-chan what's with everyone here? You said ya postponed team assignments while ya rooted out whatever went wrong to let Mizuki come through the Academy after serving that Ochitaru guy but never explained what ya need me for?"

Hiruzen chewed a lemon-lime lollipop (they were tasty sue him) before addressing the group as a whole.

"Naruto you have awakened a pretty dangerous bloodline. Your eating habits make you a direct threat to the populace of Konohagakure, and we only have a notebook of second hand observances. Quite frankly we know very little of your abilities and add to that you have no control over it either. Tsunade is here to help put you back together. Kushina's journal mentioned the possible blade like aspects of this so called Kagune, so as a blade master and her only student Yugao, or Neko as you know her, is here to aid with that. Kakashi, Inu before he retired just recently, is one of our premier trackers and here to aid with your enhanced sense."

Naruto nodded, "Right makes sens- WHAT DO YOU MEAN PUT ME BACK TOGETHER?!"

Naruto's horror increased ten fold when Hiruzen hung his hat and cloak on a tree revealing very familiar armor beneath the Hokage robes. 'Shit. Shit fuck.' Then he summoned a large grey monkey. One he had come to know too well. He turned and ran like hell itself was following him. Scratch that. Hell itself was following him.

"I am here because we are short on time and the best way for you to learn is to get some field experience. Besides I know how to hold back and with your enhanced healing, Tsunade at the ready, and Yugao's experience ensuring people's guts don't fall out you'll be fine!"

Naruto was too busy running to acknowledge, really pouring on the speed when Enma's Kongonyoi evaporated the tree he'd just jumped from. A quick zig zag, some hastily spawned clones, and a replacement he got 15 feet between him and the old man. He turned and found Tsunade right in front of him, fist curled and hauled back, grin wide, and body tensed.

'Ojii-chan if I survive this I'm getting revenge. If I don't I'm haunting you.'

"Eat this." Naruto eyed the strange black/red mass floating in the preserving jar Tsunade had unsealed. Then he eyed Tsunade like she was insane.

The Medic sighed, "Look. Your mother's journal said ingesting the Kakuho of anyone with the same Kekkei Genkai would strengthen and improve your own especially if it came from a relative. The Uzumaki were pragmatic in that way since they didn't have many that unlocked the Bloodline but at least stored the organs of those that did for any subsequent clansmen that inherited the genes. The Kakuja or 'Awakened Ones' apparently served as a real force to be reckoned with during the downfall of Uzushio. So just eat it! There is no way you'll ever come across another Kagune wielder that you can or want to kill just for a possibly meagre power boost. This was her cousins who in turn was the daughter of two other 'Shiva' or 'Asura' or 'Ghouls' or 'Hekatonkheires' or whatever ridiculous mythology fueled name they had for those that unlocked the bloodline. She was unique in her Dual Kagune and mixed with yours it will only prove more potent! Now eat the damn thing before I cram it down your throat!"

With a fist being shook threatingly at him and deciding this was the lesser of two evils (especially when he could see the old man snickering at him from the corner of his eye), Naruto grabbed the jar, pulled out the jelly mass of Kaku-whatever-the-fuck and took a hug chunk out of it. His eyes watered immediately. It tasted like 6 month old ramen that had been fermented in the rotted, shit filled intestines of fish that lived, ate, slept, and breathed in a cesspool. He barely managed to swallow before gagging and cramming the rest in his mouth. He ignored the full blown snickering between the Sannin and her Sensei as he fell to his knees and chewed as quickly as possible. Two desperate gulps later and he had ate the whole thing. Granted there was no guarantee for a power boost he decided the first people he would test it on were those STILL. LAUGHING. AT. HIM! Fuck it. He'd deal with them right here, right now. At least until he was exhausted enough to forget the rancid taste he'd endured.

"Ah right! Kushina said her Aunt had eaten a rogue before and I quote, 'Tasted like someone marinated fresh cow shit with teriyaki sauce, mixed it with natto, and left it to bake in the sun. Then a bunch of animals came and trodded it into the dusty earth and took turns pissing and throwing up on it before one of them dragged a carcass over it and left it there for a week', so my bad! Guess I should've given you a heads up!"

There was a base rumble as Naruto's blood boiled and his chakra flared, "Oho~! It tasted even worse! So bad I wanna tear my tongue out and wipe my ass with it cause I'm sure it'll taste better than that wreck! But don't worry Tsu-hime! I'm so full of energy now thanks to your wonderful advice I can't wait to get back to training!" His eyes had gone full Kakugan, veins spread all the way down to his cheeks and temple, smiling quite maliciously. There was a rip as his Kagune spouted violently from his lower back and flailed with his agitation. The Purple cored, Red feathered 'tails' pulsed with the sheer amount of chakra and RC Cells (a quick blood check at the hospital revealing everyone had them and they were an integral part of chakra generation, their amount and increase directly related to genetics and exercise) made them glow eerily.

"Tsu-koi," she shivered, Naruto only called her that when he was right pissed, maybe the joke was a little far? "Take responsibility for all this vitality."

He lunged, she blocked, Sarutobi hopped in, the Training Ground was reduced to even more rubble.

A/N: Well there you have it! Title doesn't match because I want some class but yeah! It might not be the best fic in the end but this will be my first foray cross-overs and Tokyo Ghoul doesn't get the recognition it deserves so go read it! That's all really. What? Ask for Reviews? Nah. I'll leave that up to y'all. Oh! An before I forget, this had no beta so I'm doing the best I can by myself. Anything goes wrong or my grammar is wonky feel free to message. I'm Starting Chapter 3 and reviewing 2 right now so expect unorthodox updates. Now that's it fro sure, so I'm out to drink alcohol, cry about school, and be lonely! Peace!