Title: So much for staying alive
Author: Jessica
Email: jrothenyahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: Partings
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Luke's reaction to what happened in the season finale and the events that followed it.
AUTHORS NOTE: Title comes from a song by Kristoffer Åström. Remeber this is written in Luke's POV. English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.

I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Luke's POV

You stand there a long time afterwards.
Dark clouds have moved in from the west to darken the sky above you.
You lost her today.
The real and simple truth was that you let her go.
A better man might have been able to close his eyes for the obvious:
She had torn out your heart in one single move.
He might have been able to see the bigger picture.
You were not a good man.
Now all you had ever wanted had slipped through your fingers like grains of sand.
You stand there outside the place you call your home as raindrops falls from a blacken sky.
They smash into you with the power of a gun.
But you don't feel them.
You don't feel anything anymore.

She had always been the one you wanted.
From the moment she entered your life she became a part of it.
And somewhere along the way you fell in love.
You loved her, but somewhere in the back of your mind you knew that she would crush you.
She was a force of nature that not even you could hold.

Your death was a painful one.It crushed your heart with such force that you could almost hear it breaking.
He came with the promise of rain lingering in the air around him.
He came to break your heart.
You didn't react as he stood there in the middle of the diner and told you the truth.
You could hardly look at him.
He didn't ask for forgiveness for there was nothing to ask for forgiveness for.
He had won and you had lost.
It was as simple as that.
You didn't believe him at first.
The truth was too painful to believe.
She walked back into your life two hours after he had left it.
You wanted so desperatley to believe it was a lie that when she kissed you, you kissed her back.
Afterwards, you stood there with your lips bruised by her kiss and you searched her eyes for something that you could latch on to.
Anything that could keep you from drowning.
But you found nothing.
She was saying something but all you could hear was the voice inside of your head that screamed she was a liar.
"Luke? What's wrong?"
You had been so blind.
You saw that now.
It laughed you straight in the face.
"Christopher was here."
She didn't react.
You wanted to scream in her face.
You wanted to shake her until she confessed.
"Okay."
That was all she said.
"He told me about last night."
The words were painful to say.
She blinked once, like your words had caused her physical harm.
You hated her then.
It ran hot in your veins, almost burning you.
Her eyes met yours and in one single second you knew.
It shattered your insides with such force that it almost had you gasping for air.
"Luke."
She reached for you but you moved away.
Your voice was barely a whisper as you spoke:
"You slept with him, Lorelai."
Your words tasted like venom in your mouth and twisted your face in pain.
Her blue eyes glimmered with tears as she moved towards you.
"Please, let me explain.."
Her words sounded pathetic.
"Explain, what? What is there to explain?"
You moved towards her and she seemed to shrink in that moment.
"I made a mistake!"
"A mistake? He came here to the diner to gloat...He stood where you are standing now and he told me everything!"
You felt like such a fool.
If you had just opened your eyes.
But you had been too wrapped up in holding on to a piece of yourself that you had wanted for so long.
This little thing, this person, was a part of you.
And you found yourself falling in love with April in a way you didn't know was possible.
So you did everything to hold on to her.
She was your daughter after all.
You had someone in your life that was truly yours.
Somehow you had lost another part of your life by welcoming her into yours.
It wasn't fair.
"I was so upset when I left here and I needed to talk to someone and.."
"So you went to him."
"Yes, I went to Christopher's apartment."
"And?"
Your voice was harsh and your eyes burned into her.
All you could see was him touching her.
And it was killing you.
She crumbled under your gaze and her voice trembled as she spoke:
"And nothing."
"You slept with him."
"Yes."
One simple word and what was left of your heart was grounded up and spit out like it was nothing.
Like a fool you had clung to the idea that if she didn't actually say it out loud then it might not be true.
Stupid, really.
But one single word put a stop to it.
You moved away and turned your face away from her.
Her hand touched yours, briefly, and she said:
"Luke, please!"
Her touch caused you more pain than she could ever imagine.
"Did you like it?"
You turned back towards her and let your eyes burn like two fires.
"Don't."
She reacted like you were just about to slap her.
Her eyes were filled with tears and she flinched as you screamed:
"DID YOU LIKE IT?"
You felt sick to your stomach.
"Please, don't do this!."
She was begging for mercy.
You knew that but you didn't care.
A sick, perverted part of you felt joy as you saw pain in her eyes.
"Answer the question!"
"Luke."
You moved towards her.
You wanted to draw blood.
You wanted her insides to twist like yours did.
"Did you kiss him?"
"Don't!"
"Did you?"
"I'm not going to.."
"Did you!"
"Yes. Okay. I did."
"Do you love him?"
Everything inside of you screamed out to her to say no.
Your question hit hard.
Right on target.
"I'm not going to answer that.!"
She turned around, opened the door and walked out from the diner without giving you an answer.
You followed her out into the street.
You didn't care who heard.
You didn't care who saw.
All you could see was her.
"Answer me, Lorelai!"
She turned towards you, her eyes draped with tears.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I deserve an answer. At least you can give me that!"
"What for?"
"Just answer the question!"
You felt pathetic standing in front of the diner begging the only woman you had ever loved to put you out of your misery.
She stood in front of you with tears streaming down her face and with eyes begging for forgiveness.
But you ignored that.
You were too blinded by your own numbing pain.
"Luke."
"Do you love him, Lorelai? Was all the things you said just a lie?"
Your words tasted bitter in your mouth and they seemed to burn as they rolled of your tongue.
"How can you say that?"
"Was it all just a lie?"
"I love you, God damnit!"
You wanted to believe her. You needed to believe her.
It was a matter of survival after all.
But all you could see was his face as he told you about their night together.
"I waited for you, last night. Do you know that? I thought you would come back so we could talk. Make things right, you know. I waited for hours. I kept a light on just in case. Silly me!"
"Luke."
She reached for you but you just stood there.
You eyes met.
You couldn't remember a time when you didn't love her.
She was your life after all.
How silly that sounded now.
How pitiable it sounded.
And what was left now was just an empty hole.
"How could you do it, Lorelai?"
"I know it means nothing, but I never set out to hurt you."
You wanted to laugh at that.
You almost managed a smile.
She moved towards you.
Tears glittered on her skin like millions of tiny diamonds.
Her hand was warm against your cheek as she forced you to look at her.
You inhaled her scent and for a moment you wanted nothing but to lose yourself in her.
"It meant nothing. I love you, Luke!"
Then she leaned into you and brushed her lips against yours.
It was like a bolt of lightning right through your body. You moved away like she had just burned you.
"No! You can't just..For God's sake!"
She moved towards you.
"Tell me what to do! Tell me how to set things right!"
It felt like she had just slapped you.
"You slept with him, Lorelai. I can't just.."
"Tell me what to do and I will do it!"
In her eyes you saw desperation and fear.
It felt like you were treading water and you were slowly getting tired.
"You sat in my diner and you asked me to marry you. Was that just some game to you?
Was I just a substitute until Christopher got his act together?"
"No! Of course not! Don't say that!"
"Then tell me this; you and me, did it mean so little to you?"
You were so tired of fighting for staying afloat.
You were tired of being angry.
You wanted to subcome to the pain that enveloped you.
"You have to forgive me. You have to let me set things right. I can do that. If you let me."
She was begging you to let her back in.
To forgive.
To sweep it under the rug and forget it ever happened. You couldn't do that.
That wasn't in you.
"I can't."
Pain burned hot in her eyes in that moment.
You had gotten a small revenge but you couldn't smile about it.
She kept shaking her head while tears blurred her vision.
She stumbled forward on weak legs.
"Luke, please!"
"I can't."
She took you hand in hers.
You didn't move away.
It was time to stop running.
Your eyes met. Her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke:
"This can't be it. It can't be!"
You had loved her for as long as you could remember.
But what was left of you was nothing. You couldn't let her back in because there was nothing left of you to get back to.
She had made sure of that.
"Then why is it?"
Something came apart inside of her in that moment.
She gasped for air.
You let go of her hand and started to move away.
She reached for you again, but all she grasped was air.
"Luke!"
Your eyes met.
"Goodbye, Lorelai."
Then you turned around and walked back into the diner.
You closed the door behind you.
She stood there with her back towards you.
Then she moved.
She didn't run.
She walked away.
Your hands trembled as you opened the door and walked back out.
You stood there on the street and watched as she walked out of your life.
And you died a little more inside.

-
Feedback jrothenyahoo.se