A/N: So I pretty much don't like this fic anymore but dammit I'd really like to upload SOMETHING. so um here you can have it i guess. In the meantime I'm going to work on something that's actually good. By that of course I mean I am going to dick around and not work on my NaNoWriMo fic.

"Darling nicotine, you want me back, back, back
but everything I wanted in you lack, lack, lacked.
The feelings that I felt
when I said I needed you...
But I don't recall that you would ever say it back."
~Darling Nicotine by Brighten

"Please, Neku. Please."

Neku Sakuraba is sick of it all.

Cutting it off with Joshua for good is a lot harder and a lot more painful than Neku feels it should be, but he's sure that when all is said and done he'll be glad he did it.

Words mean a lot to Neku. He hates when Joshua lies to him; it's almost as if he is aware of how important words are and purposely tries to fuck it up.

Joshua and Neku avoid phrases like "I love you" and "I need you" because, well, neither of them can admit that there's at least a tiny bit of truth in them. Occasionally the word "love" slips off of Neku's tongue, and sometimes he admits to needing him, but the two rarely acknowledge it.

Really, it doesn't mean anything to Joshua.

He used to hang out around WildKat, but he hasn't been around lately. Neku had assumed he'd left Shibuya, but there he is walking past Hachiko.

Neku doesn't know what to think of him. Better-looking than he is simply by design, violet eyes and Pegaso threads and ash blond hair; the world was made for him. Or maybe he was made for the world?

Either way, Neku isn't jealous - in fact, he doesn't really give a damn - but he wonders why this man is now sauntering up to him, a smirk on his face.

"Hello there," he says, looking incredibly smug. "Is there anything you'd like to say to me?"

The hell?

"No," Neku says shortly. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I couldn't help but notice the way you were staring at me."

Neku hides his blushing face in his overly large collar. The man giggles at him.

Jesus. Neku hates him already.

"What do you want?" he asks, eyes narrowing.

"What do you want?" the man repeats. "I wasn't the one staring."

"I wasn't staring at you."

"Whatever you say, dear."

"Who are you, anyway?"

"Yoshiya Kiryu. Friends and family call me Joshua." He smirks. "Please, consider yourself a friend."

"I'll pass." Neku desperately hopes he will never see him again.

"Now, now. That attitude is completely unnecessary."

The smirk on his lips and that joking tone of voice make Neku want to slap him. Repeatedly. He scowls.

Joshua leans in as if to examine Neku's face. Neku takes a step back. Is the concept of personal space so alien to him?

"Adorable." Joshua stands up straight again. "Would you be interested in going on a date sometime?"

"What? No!" What is this guy's deal?

Joshua giggles. Giggles. The fuck.

"Okay then, no need to shout."

Neku isn't qu te sure if this guy is serious or not

"I'll ask, if only for the sake of conveniece." Neku is about one smart-ass remark away from punching him in the face. "Do you have a name?"

"No."

Joshua stifles another giggle. "Cute."

Neku glowers at him. "It's Neku. Neku Sakuraba."

"Charming."

Charming seems like a...strange word to use, especially to describe his name. He really wishes he knew what was going through Josh's mind.

"Oh, would you look at the time," Joshua says casually, glancing at his cell phone. "I really should be going. See you around, Neku."

"See ya around, Kiryu."

And finally he's gone, walking off to who gives a damn where. They talked for all of maybe five minutes and Neku just fucking hates him.

Yoshiya Kiryu is everything Neku is not.

And Neku does not, in any way, consider this a negative.

Smoke from his cigarette twirling in the air, Neku's never smoked before but he's always liked the smell.

"Sanae used to smoke too," Joshua comments in an almost absent-minded fashion.

It takes Neku a few seconds to remember who he's talking about. He always knew Sanae as Mr. H; it never really occured to him that Joshua might refer to him by a different name.

No one speaks after this. Joshua simply watches Neku smoking, and Neku wishes he'd stare at something else.

"It's funny though." For once, Neku is relieved when Joshua starts talking again. "He didn't smoke before I met him."

"Neither did I," Neku informs him, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"It's strange. Everyone I grow close to develops the same filthy habit."

Neku just shrugs, doesn't say a word. What could he say to that, anyway?

"Hey, Yoshiya!" Neku calls, beckoning to Josh.

"It's Joshua," he corrects, smirking.

"Whatever." Neku takes a hold of Joshua's hand. The two continue walking without any sort of destination in mind. "Hey, why don't we go to WildKat? We haven't been there in a while."

"Er, no, I'd rather not." His smirk turns to a slight frown; Neku decides not to push the matter.

The same filthy habit of smoking or the same filthy habit of always coming back?

When Neku enters WildKat for the first time he sees the man behind the counter exchanging a kiss with a younger man, a man who has the loveliest silver hair. It's a bit of a strange first impression, but Neku doesn't really care.

The silver-haired man leaves. He ignores Neku completely, but Neku swears he saw him smirking.

"You should meet my buddy Josh sometime," Hanekoma says one day at closing.

"I'd rather not." Neku slips his headphones on. "Later, Mr. H."

Just completely fuckin' antisocial. Hates pretty much everyone. Hanekoma really can't stand it.

If he were omniscent, would he still have wanted Neku and Joshua to meet?

"I love you."

Joshua doesn't reply, just quickly kisses Neku's lips and pulls him back under.

Neku really has to just give it all up.

"Why doesn't Joshua come here anymore?"

Hanekoma looks up. "What?"

Neku rolls his eyes. "Joshua! Why does he never want to come here anymore?"

"Well..." Hanekoma scratches the back of his head.

"Oh, was it like...a bad breakup or something?" Neku asks.

"Yeah." Hanekoma turns around and begins working on Neku's coffee. "Pretty much."

His phone rings, the screen lit up to show Joshua's name on his caller ID. He fights with himself, mentally debating whether or not he should answer.

He picks up the phone. Neku Sakuraba is really bad at letting go.

Without even waiting for a greeting, Joshua asks, "Why don't we try again?"

He can't stop smoking, it seems.

Whenever he tries, he can't stay away. The very second he sees cigarettes when out shopping, he has to buy a pack. Or two.

He's not necessarily trying very hard; it's too frustrating to really give it a decent effort. Everything else in his life is stressful.

He can't give up Joshua, and he can't give up cigarettes. Isn't it just fucking wonderful.

He knows he needs to fix this, somehow.

He needs to get away. If only.

But he can't-

He shouldn't keep running back when Yoshiya Kiryu calls his name.

Neku drops his cigarette and crushes it with his foot. He's got to try harder to quit.

It's a filthy habit, anyway.

"Please leave a message after the tone."

"Come on, Neku. This is silly. Come meet me at Ramen Don and we'll talk.

"Please, Neku. Please. At least give me the dignity of picking up your phone."