Bellamy barely lasts a day before he goes after her.
They all warn him not to for various reasons.
"She needs time to heal."
"She deserves to be alone."
"She can make her own choices."
"She's not worth the pain."
"She'll come back when she's ready."
Only Abby urges him to go.
"Bring her back to me," she begs, still recovering in the medical tent.
But still, the words of Kane, Jasper, Raven, Octavia and Monty echo in his head as he vanishes from camp in the dead of night. They're probably right, he knows, though Jasper and Octavia will come to forgive Clarke in time. He knows better than anyone that she just did the things that had to be done in order to save their people.
He remembers offering her his forgiveness, though he doesn't think she even needed it. What she really needed is forgiveness from herself.
He wonders if she truly believes she'll find it by being alone, or whether she'll just end up lonely, like he is without her.
As he trudges through the woods he tries to justify his quest to find her, this blatant disregard of her wishes.
It's not that he thinks his needs are more important than hers, or that she isn't capable of making her own decisions.
But… he just wants to see her. To check. To ask her if it would be different if she knew how he felt. Because maybe a person doesn't make the same decisions they would if they had been fully informed.
He's not expecting anything, really. But he just has to make sure.
And okay, maybe it's partly selfish. Entirely selfish, even. He needs her, and god, he has gone long enough without her.
So he goes.
And it doesn't take him very long to find her.
She hasn't gotten far. She's asleep by the dying embers of a fire only ten kilometers from camp.
He just watches her for a moment, her soft skin barely lit, the rise and fall of her chest.
It doesn't take him long to realise she isn't really asleep.
He should have known right away. He never sleeps now either.
Her eyes flutter open slowly to meet his.
"Slow reaction. I could've killed you three times already," he says, without a trace of humour, though he's trying to make a joke.
"I knew it was you," she replies, sitting up. He raises a questioning eyebrow. "Your footsteps," she explains. He wonders if anyone else could possibly know him by the fall of his feet alone.
"Where are you going, Clarke?" he asks.
"I don't know."
"What are you doing out here?"
"Not sure I know the answer to that either," she sighs. Bellamy joins her by the pitiful excuse for a fire.
They're silent for a moment before Bellamy speaks.
"What did you think it was going to be like?" he murmurs.
"What?"
"Earth. How did you imagine it would play out? Before all this shit happened."
"I thought we'd all die of radiation poisoning."
"Optimistic," Bellamy snorts, though it isn't really funny. "But you know what I mean. What did you dream it would be like?"
She's silent for a long time, and Bellamy thinks she isn't going to answer. Maybe it's too painful to think about the past. About what could have been. But she finally takes a breath and speaks softly.
"I thought we'd find our supplies at Mount Weather and the rest of the Ark would join us."
"And then?" he pushes gently.
"And then… we'd start fresh. The dawning of a new day. No more rationing or class systems. We'd have little houses and farms and people could have as many kids as they wanted and we'd hear their laughter as they ran through the forest and breathed in the never ending supply of clean air."
She sounds wistful as she speaks, but her face falls as she crashes back to reality.
"What a childish dream."
"It's not," Bellamy disagrees.
"Isn't it?" Clarke says bitterly.
"I guess I dreamt the same thing," Bellamy shrugs.
"You did?" Clarke seems surprised. "But you were all 'whatever the hell we want' and trying to stop the ark coming down and all that," she points out.
"I was trying to save my own skin. Doesn't mean I didn't dream it could be different."
"Well, I guess we were both naïve then."
"No we weren't, Clarke. It can still be like that," Bellamy urges.
"How?" Clarke says flatly.
"We can start all over again. We have peace with the grounders. The mountain men are… gone. We're still young," Bellamy says, his voice begging her to see how it could be. He knows there must still be some light in Clarke somewhere, amongst the darkness she's been forced to let envelop her.
"I don't feel young," Clarke whispers. "I don't know that I feel anything."
"Clarke. We still have so much to live for. We're out of the woods now."
"We've lost so much," she tears up, and Bellamy knows that she does feel, despite her previous statement. No matter how much she doesn't want to feel, he knows she feels it all, the same way he does.
"I know," Bellamy can feel the tears pricking at his own eyes. "But… that dream isn't out of reach anymore." He grabs her shoulders and forces her to look him in the eye. "Listen to me. It will get easier. Life will go on. And we'll get through it, together." He wonders if he sounds as desperate as he feels. He has to get her to see. He doesn't know if he can bear losing her again.
"Together," Clarke repeats. She looks at him searchingly and Bellamy meets her gaze, hoping his eyes don't betray his feelings. "You sure say that a lot."
"Clarke…" he starts, not sure whether he's about to lie or spill everything. "I don't mean…" he trails off. He's not even really sure what he means, except that life seems pointless without her. And he loves her, he knows that much.
"What do you mean?" Clarke asks. Bellamy thinks her words sound almost teasing, but surely he's wrong.
"I mean," he takes her hand. "We're partners." Clarke nods.
"We're never going to be the same, Bellamy. You don't just go through something like this and not be totally different on the other side," she warns him.
"But we can learn to smile again," Bellamy assures her.
"Not tonight, okay? Let's not go back tonight," she says.
"Of course. Just… close your eyes… and imagine the world is exactly how you want it to be. And I'll be here in the morning."
"And maybe one day we can make up for lost time," Clarke murmurs.
"Lost time?" Bellamy queries. Clarke leans over and kisses him softly.
"Together," she says as she lies back down. "I know what you mean."
"Okay," Bellamy whispers back, and a small smile graces his face.
"Goodnight, Bell."