THROUGH THE DARKNESS
Author's Note: I have no clue at the moment whether this will be a one shot or a story..so I think for now it is a one-shot, but if people want me to continue, I will consider turning it into a story! Read & Review!
Disclaimer: Obviously, I own nothing. Or Marissa would be alive and happy with Ryan at Berkely and the OC would still be running. But, sadly enough, that is not the case.
Info: post season 3 finale, ryan-centric
"Perhaps the most painful part of the person you love dying is the finality. Because no couple has always been together and happy, every couple has had problems. But there was always another chance. And the finality in this loss kills you inside because you know that they're gone forever and you've finally run out of chances after wasting all the rest."
Ryan and Marissa were that epic couple where no matter what happened, no matter how many things came between them, or people, or how many times they broke up and got back together, they always loved each other more than anything in the world. Sure, they had distractions, brief periods of time where they were pulled apart for varying reasons, but they'd always find their way back to each other. Oliver, Theresa, DJ, Alex, Lindsey, Johnny, Sadie, Volchok..they were all just distractions, obstacles that truly tested Ryan and Marissa's love. And sure, a lot of time they weren't together, but they each knew in their hearts that they were lying to themselves because something was missing and the only things that could make them right and whole again were each other. They were one of those fated couples where nothing could stop them; they were honestly and truly meant to spend the rest of their lives together, even if they needed a bit of time and space now. And they knew it, too. They could deny it all they wanted, but Ryan and Marissa were painfully aware that the only one who could make them completely happy was the other and so they knew they would find their way back to each other someday. And then, someday, they would be together and everything would be right and they would be so happy.
But apparently, fate had other plans for them. Because on what should have been one of the best days of their lives, Ryan was run off the road while Marissa was in his passenger seat, and she paid the consequences of his failure to avoid Volchok. She was so close to escaping Newport for a while, to get her head together before they could truly be together, that it was almost painful to think about the fact that she had nearly made it out of there when it finally got to her. Ryan's brand new car, a gift from Dawn that made him so much happier than any other, nicer car from the Cohens could have, was a symbol that Dawn was honestly getting her life together and doing well, and he was so proud of her and so excited. And now, it was flipping over and over, crashing down finally on another road beneaeth them. Ryan struggled and pulled Marissa out, carrying her away from the soon-to-explode car. He set her down on the road and stared into her scared eyes and his heart was breaking. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't in their plan. She was supposed to get out of there and then they were supposed to go to Berekely. She wasn't supposed to die. She was supposed to live..and live happily ever after with Ryan. But with fate being as cruel and unyielding as it always is, that was what happened. Marissa died in Ryan's arms, and neither of them got the chance to express their feelings one last time. He was looking at her and he knew that it was so close and it was killing him because Marissa couldn't die. She was his everything. They had problems, sure. But they were meant for each other and they knew it and they always had another chance, another try. And one of these times, it would work, Ryan was sure of it. But now it seemed that his last chance had been ripped from him before he could register that there wouldn't be another one. So he sat in the road, holding the love of his life in his arms, rocking her back and forth as he cried silent tears muttering "No..No..No.." over and over again as he tried to reassure himself that this wasn't it.
But this was it. She was gone..forever. And Ryan didn't know how to deal with that because even when they weren't together, she had always been there. Maybe not with him, but she had been in the picture somewhere and that comforted him because he knew that someday she would be with him.. But now, she wasn't anywhere. She wasn't in the poolhouse or at the beach, she wasn't at the lifeguard stand or the diner, she wasn't at the Bait Shop..the list went on and on of places that she had once been but where she would never step foot again.
Ryan was drowning in his guilt and pain, his anguish and despair. He closed anyone and everyone out, hiding in the poolhouse with his punching bag as he punched it again and again and again and again, just wishing he could do this to the bastard who took Marissa from him. He missed her so much that he couldn't believe it was possible. He was in real, physical pain because of his devastation. He missed her so much that his chest hurt sometimes and sometimes at night, in the darkness where he could lose himself so easily, tears would slip down his face as for once, he didn't restrain them or rub them away immediately.
The darkness became Ryan's escape. He wallowed and he lived in depression, revelling the darkness around him. He was drowning in pain, emotional and physical, and he was being slowly dragged down. He missed her so much already and only a few days had passed. How would he ever last weeks? Months? So he allowed himself to get lost in the temporary comfort that the punching provided to him and soon he was hiding in the poolhouse all day and only sneaking out at night for scraps of food. He was anything but happy. Ryan was a broken man who could not be fixed and any one who tried would only be hurt in the process.
It had been a week since the accident when Ryan moved out of the Cohen's poolhouse in the middle of the night without telling them. He left a note, of couse, telling them that he was sorry but he couldn't stay there any more where he was suffocating from all the memories pounding through his mind everywhere he went in that house. Ryan had gone to a bar a day or two earlier and requested a full-time job. The manager had looked surprised but offered him the room in the back. Ryan accepted without caring that he no longer had all the luxuries that living with the Cohens for years had afforded him, thinking that it was better this way because he would be reminded less of Marissa.
It had been a week since Ryan lost the love of his life, and he still couldn't believe it. It had been a week since he had seen her smile, heard her laugh and just sat and talked to her. It had been even longer than that since he had held her and whispered sweet nothings into her ear as she giggled and kissed him. It had been seven long, sleep less nights since he had last seen her beautiful face in person. It hurt too much to think about.
So Ryan moved into the back room of the bar and put all his pictures of Marissa in a box under his bed where he wouldn't be tempted to look at them. But that didn't matter because he saw her everywhere regardless. He saw her on the beach when he jogged by a dirty blonde giggling with a brunette as they lay tanning on the beach. He saw her face when he closed his eyes. His heart leapt every time he thought he saw her and came crashing down every time as he had to remind himself that it wasn't her, that she was gone. His heart was broken into a thousand pieces and it could never be fixed because she wasn't here with him. But as much as seeing her everywhere around him hurt because he knew she wasn't really there, it was all that kept him going. When he'd lie down at night and close his eyes, he could see her face through the darkness. And that was all that kept him going.
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