Ending of Eclipse, MY way
SCENE: Everyone is fighting Victoria's army of newborns, and Jacob, Edward, and Bella have stayed behind. Edward has left the tent, leaving Jacob and Bella to tackle the awkward nature of their relationship. Jacob has implied that he will kill himself if Bella does not ask him to kiss her.
JACOB: You could ask me.
BELLA: (Whispers) Come back..
JACOB: (smiling and shaking head) That's not what I'm talking about.
(Bella finally gets it through her immensely thick skull that he means he wants her to ask Jacob to kiss her.)
BELLA: Wait…you want me to ASK you to kiss me? Are you serious? You're like, three years younger than me. That's disgusting. Plus, I have a BOYFRIEND!!
JACOB: (meekly) But I—
BELLA: Oh, please, save it! I can't even believe you! Especially after last time when you practically raped me! Just because you think I love you doesn't mean I do.
JACOB: But you said…
BELLA: I didn't mean it THAT way! Ew! You're nothing but a manipulative pervert, Jacob Black. You said I would ask you someday, and I assumed you meant of my own free will! You can't go around threatening to off yourself just so you can get your way. That is so completely selfish of you. You knew I thought of you as just a friend, but you still pushed it.
JACOB: Wait! I'm sorry. You're right, I was being a jerk. Can you forgive me?
BELLA: No. You pushed it too far this time. Get out of my life!
JACOB: Fine. I really will kill myself, then.
BELLA: See if I care. You were just filler in my life until Edward came back. Then you just insisted on hanging around me all the time. Go get some friends your own age!
JACOB: Hey, I have other friends, you know!
BELLA: Yeah, other dogs like you! Why would I want to be with someone who has fleas and rolls in his own poo?
JACOB: Fine, if that's the way you want it! (Runs away to go be annoying somewhere else)
BELLA: (shouting) Edward!
(enter Edward)
EDWARD: Hey, Bella. Are you okay?
BELLA: Never been better. Lets go back in the tent (raises eyebrows suggestively)
EDWARD: (throws Bella over his shoulder and carries her into the tent) Let's see if we can keep you warm until we get back to Forks…
(Edward then rips off Bella's clothes, then unhooks her brassiere with his tongue. Bella then tears off his pants like a maniacal woodchuck, and the two start doing very pervy things to each other.)
BELLA: Ready for these? (Pulling out a pair of furry handcuffs)
EDWARD: (Whoops in delight, waving dollar bills around)
(Exchange of bodily fluids continues. Eventually, they stumble out of the tent, partially clothed.)
….And they lived happily ever after. WITHOUT Jacob. ;)