It was dark; the rain was cold and it hit her like bullets. She was freezing, and she knew that she was starting to get muddy, sitting her in the grass while it was raining. She was sitting there in the cold and the rain with her arms wrapped around her knees in the fetal position. Her back ached because she'd been sitting there for hours. She was rocking back and forth and staring straight ahead of her.
She heard thunder booming, but she didn't move. There was no where else she'd rather be; here, she felt close to him. Like maybe he was looking at her right that moment, and maybe he felt just as alone as she did.
She came to see him everyday, despite anything she'd had planned. Not that she planned much anymore. Not like she did much of anything anymore.
The doctor's had said she was crazy, said that her behavior wasn't normal even for someone in her predicament.
The doctor's don't know shit. They don't know how she feels about him, or how much she loves him.
They said that if she didn't get herself together soon, they'd send her away. They said they'd take her baby away, and they'd send her to the nut house. They didn't realize that her son was the closest thing she had to him.
They didn't realize that now that he was away, now that he was so lost even she couldn't get to him, that their son was the only thing keeping her alive.
"Mommy, where's Daddy?"
"Are you okay?"
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
He was too young for this, and so was she. He was too young to have his aunt be the one living his house and keeping both his mother and him alive and okay. He didn't deserve to go through the rest of his life with a missing piece in his heart.
He didn't deserve to grow up like both of his parents did, without a dad.
The rain came down harder and so did her tears. She was getting used to the tight feeling in her throat and the headaches that came with the crying.
She heard footsteps behind her, but she didn't care. She didn't care if someone tried to kill her right now, at least it would stop the immense pain she had to feel.
But she knew that if it came to that, she'd have to fight, because Nathan, bless his five year old heart, didn't deserve to go through life without both parents.
"Sam," The voice was soft and she almost couldn't hear it over the sound of the storm picking up.
Suddenly, she couldn't feel the cold rain falling on her, and she assumed the girl behind her had held an umbrella over her. The girl sat down and carefully put her arm around her, pulling her into her and hugging her tight.
"Carles, he should be here with me." She cried, her voice breaking and coming out so quiet she was shocked she had heard her.
"She is, Sam. He's looking over you, you and Nathan and he always will be."
"But he should be here, on Earth, in my arms."
"He loves you Sam. He always has and he always will and you know it."
"He was so stupid. Letting the safety of a freaking deer come before his life."
"He was always a nice person like that. He cared about everyone."
"Even me,"
"Especially you,"
She turned her head a little bit so she could see Carly's brown eyes looking down at her. Her brown hair was soaked, pushed back behind her ear. Carly gave her a small smile and began to stroke her hair.
"Sam, you've got to pull your life back together. Soon. Think of Nathan. He shouldn't have to grow up with an emotionally distant mother like you did."
"I know. I'm trying. But it's hard."
"I know,"
They were quiet for a while, the only sounds being the thrum of the rain against the umbrella and the sound of thunder somewhere in the distance. They sat there for a long time. Maybe minutes, maybe hours. Sam didn't know anymore, she closed her eyes, only listening to their breathing and the sounds of the rain. She felt herself slowly drifting off.
"Carly?" She asked sleepily.
"Hmm?"
"Thanks. For putting up with me, and flying Mel up here, and helping with Nathan. Everything. Thank you so much."
"No problem, Sam. That's what friends are for."
A few more minutes of silence.
"I'll never love anyone the way I love him." She was slowly losing conscience.
"I know."
"I miss him so much."
She continued to smooth her hand over her hair. She reached down and patted her cheek, "I know."
And with that, Sam fell asleep in Carly's lap to the sound of her best friend's voice and the rain thrumming against the umbrella.
Carly sighed and closed her eyes. After a few minutes, when Sam was absolutely asleep, she opened her eyes and looked up into the sky.
"She misses you so much. We all do. But I'll take care of her. I promise you that,"
And then she looked at the grave in front of her.
Freddie Benson-Puckett
1994-2019
Loving Husband, Father, and Best Friend