Summary: (AU) GaaraOC Gaara went through hell in the first three years of his life alone. His soul slowly died, and he lost all conception of life. One sleepless night, a new child was brought into his life, and his understanding of reality was distorted. She thought she could look up to him, and was destroyed when he broke their promise. He promised he wouldn't let her leave him, and he did. Now several years later, Gaara runs into a strange girl with mismatched eyes and tri-petals of a sakura flower upon her forehead. He now has the chance to make up for his mistake, and it is his choice whether to take it or leave them floundering for eternity.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any of its characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Any original characters you see, on the other hand, belong to me. This story is for entertainment and learning purposes only. Meaning I'm writing this to get better at writing. Blech.
White Impurity
Lucid Lunaire
Hey
now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey
now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your
lights on
Because there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I've got nothing to fear
Santana feat. Everlast – Put Your Lights On
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Chapter
One; Monster in the Closet
"Matron…"
"Gaara-chan…?"
"I had a nightmare…and…a-and…they…I…"
"What on…"
"Matron, I…they…they made me, t-the nightmares, they make me do things…Matron…?"
"…Earth…Gaara…you…the b-bl…"
"They make me do bad things Matron. I didn't know. I…Matron…y-you...M-Matron!"
Screams.
"Matron!"
That's right. He hadn't been able to sleep since then. He found no peace when he slept. Not with the nightmares, not with the chaos. He hadn't meant to do what he did that night. He had been too young to really understand what had happened back then.
He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. They were bruised from the insomnia that had plagued him since then, and no matter what the doctor or physicians had said, he could not go to sleep.
It was some freak phenomenon that happened with him, he supposed. The gods had decided to spite him and made him a spectacle among human kind. What a sick sense of humor they had, he thought faintly.
Gaara frowned. Shifting the weight he applied to his elbows on the balcony railing, he shut his eyes half-way as the sun broke over the eastern horizon of Kyoto and listened to the faint music of the city.
The sky painted itself orange just as the sun began its ascent into the sky. Orange, yellow, then blue. He stared at the sun and let the morning's beams burn his retina, just to feel something other than the numbness that he felt just moments ago.
When the pain became unbearable, Gaara turned his gaze from the sun and blinked away the temporary blindness that it caused.
His vision cleared, and blue filled his vision. He had stared at the sun long enough for it to break from the earth and to paint the sky in its beautiful stark blue. Faintly, Gaara had questioned what he should do to busy himself with.
A shower would be a good start.
While he sauntered through the crowded living space of his too small apartment, moments in time that should have been long forgotten played like a broken record through his head.
"Gaa-chan?"
His hand squeezed hers slightly, letting her know he heard her.
"You'll never let me go, ne?"
Black.
"Hn."
She stumbled.
"Ah…!"
"Be careful."
"I know."
She fidgeted.
"Gaa-chan…?"
He squeezed her hand again.
"Arigatou."
He promised, didn't he? He'd promised her, and yet broke it at the same time. Like some simple heirloom, he threw it away without really knowing the true value. But it had been so long ago. She had wanted him to promise so very much. She had asked almost every day when they were little. He had never really given her an answer.
Gaara twisted the knobs of the shower, twisting them so he was hit with scalding water. Stripped to the flesh, he closed his eyes and let his body temporarily cleanse itself from the sins he had committed.
His sins would never be cleansed though. Even so, why did he have to face everything alone?
Running his hands through his short red hair, Gaara lifted his face into the oncoming water flow. His skin burned, yet he felt utterly and absolutely clean, even if it was only for a little while.
Gaara traced the skin above his heart tensely. He always hurt there, in his heart, and he couldn't fix it. He had heard once that wounds of the heart were trickier than flesh wounds. He couldn't agree more, now that he thought about it. Sometimes, wounds of the heart would never heal, and that there was no quick way to take away the pain, his uncle had said.
But…
There was one thing, and one thing only that could take away the pain in his chest. And it…
Gaara cut off his train of thought there and promptly shut the water off.
He leaned against the cold tile wall of the shower and opened his eyes just a sliver. He just stopped thinking all together.
Stepping out of the tub, Gaara grabbed two towels and wrapped one around his waist while using the other to rub his hair down. On his way to his bed room, he briefly stopped in front of the vanity mirror that hung on the wall above the bathroom counter. He stared at it a while, then rubbed one of his bruised eyes with the palm of his hand before continuing to his room.
Rubbing the towel once more thoroughly through his hair, he threw both towels onto his unmade bed and began to rummage through his wardrobe.
Apparently, he wasn't a prude.
Finding something that was decently appropriate for his mood, Gaara dressed himself.
Now comfortably decent, he ran his fingers through his hair to comb out the tangles and did so while walking to the front door of his apartment. He snatched his keys from a hook on the back of the door, walked out, and promptly slammed the door shut again.
"Gaa-chan?"
He didn't look at her, but merely made a sound of acknowledgement.
"Am I pretty?"
He stared hard ahead of him.
"…"
"Ga-"
He cut her off.
"You're not ugly."
She smiled.
"What do I look like to you?"
He looked at her.
"What do you mean?"
She thought.
"I mean… describe to me what I look like to you."
He still didn't understand.
"You…"
She waited.
"…you look like an orchid."
She thought some more.
"Gaa-chan?"
He said nothing.
Dread.
"What does an orchid look like?"
He hadn't forgotten.
The sound of morning reached his ears as he walked through the crowded streets of Kyoto. He didn't like the noise of society. He didn't belong there, he was estranged to it. It was something foreign to him.
And just as he didn't like society, society didn't like him.
He kept his hands stuffed in the pockets of his crimson overcoat and brushed passed the people around him without a second glance.
And he arrived at his destination; time seeming to pass him like water fell from the sky. He was staring up a mountain of stairs that reached into the sky. Gaara forced himself to move, made his legs take the steps to climb to the top.
Only a few people were climbing the stairs with him. A couple here or there, children, an elder or some other. No difference was made. They were all a part of the same society, one in which he did not belong. He would not be here, save for the fact that she had loved to visit this place. She would try to goad him into racing her up the stairs, but each and every time, he would refuse. She would be disappointed and would complain to him about his lack of enthusiasm until they reached the top.
His face was set in a perpetual frown, his hands shoved in his pockets and moving at a brisk pace towards the shrine that she loved.
Gaara came to a stop at the offering hall, which currently seemed to be free of other visitors. He pulled a 50 yen coin from his coat pocket and tossed it into the offering box.
Bowing twice, Gaara then rang the gong, clapped his hands softly twice, and prayed. What for, he didn't know. There was nothing that he wished, though… He thought for a moment.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to turn back time, I want to tell her that I couldn't keep my promise, I want, I want, I want…
He cut off his prayer and bowed once more before turning abruptly on his heels and taking off in the other direction. He had to leave this place. It hurt to be here, to think of anything, to think of her again.
Gaara shoved his hands back into his pockets and nearly flew down the shrine's stairs.
His chest hurt so much.
He looked to the cloudy sky and inhaled.
Yuki…
"Ahh..!"
He whipped his head around.
"Yuki..!"
He glared.
"Don't do that."
She smiled knowingly.
"Do what?"
"Scream."
"Why not?"
"…Just don't."
"Aww. You're no fun."
He frowned.
"I'm not supposed to be."
She pouted.
"But really, shouldn't you be a little more enthusiastic?"
He stared at her, deadpan.
"I mean, it's snowing, Gaa-chan."
He looked to the sky.
"…So?"
She just laughed.
"I can feel it snowing, Gaa-chan."
He watched her.
"Just be grateful. You can see it."
She kept reminding him. Why, even now when she was gone, did she remind him?
It was like torture, these memories. They kept flooding back into his consciousness, reminding him of his past mistake. She depended so much on him. He was her pillar, and he let her fall. He took away his support and let her leave him.
Why…?
It would have been better.
No.
It had been better. Hadn't it?
Was the sacrifice he made on her part worth all the agony that he had gone through since she left? He didn't know. He didn't know anything.
He walked on aimlessly, his feet carrying him to somewhere he did not care to know. His mind was foggy, his chest hurt, and he forced himself numb. It didn't matter. It was all his decision in the end. It was for the best.
Maybe if you keep saying it, you'll believe it, ne?
He could hear those words spilling from her lips even now.
Doubts plagued him, and the monsters nibbled on the edges of his consciousness. He wondered if he was really right in making those decisions. He ran his fingers through his unruly red hair; his palm brushing briefly passed the kanji scarred on his forehead. He choked. Suddenly, his skin burned and he was too hot.
Oh, how he remembered. But he refused to acknowledge it. He wouldn't remember it for it would bring back memories of how he had lost it and created the empty void in his chest, and had inherently created the pain that plagued him now and forever.
Gaara slipped off his overcoat in a vain attempt to cool his body down, to slow his heartbeat if only a little.
He screamed.
She stumbled hurriedly over to him.
"Daijoubu?"
He cried and clutched at his head.
"Gaa-chan…!"
She panicked.
"Make...m-make it go away..!"
She ran her hands over her face.
"What…?"
Hot.
Sticky.
"Gaara?"
She cried.
Blood.
He had woken up like he had whenever he slept. Screaming, terrified, dark emotions and evil thoughts tore at his conscious.
Gaara had woken up one night and had felt searing pain in his forehead. He had been scared, and started screaming. He didn't know what had caused it, and he had been absolutely terrified.
His screaming had woken her up.
Too dazed to know what was going on, he had continued blindly in his hysteria, not knowing that she had been next to him, worrying and crying and terrified and…
He didn't know. He had regretted it the next day, when she had confronted him about it. But even then, the memories of that night had almost thrown him into another wild hysteria and it took all he had in him to calm himself down, if only for her sake.
Gaara leaned back against the bench he had finally sat down on after his little paroxysm. The sky hadn't cleared up in the least, but he didn't mind. It kept snowing, and he kept reminiscing.
"Konbanwa."
"…Konbanwa."
She stumbled forward.
"Ah…ano…?"
He stared at her.
She smiled sheepishly.
"Can…I know your name…?"
He stared in the opposite direction.
"Why do you want to know?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
He glared.
"You'll hate me like everyone else."
She blinked.
"How would you know that?"
Silence.
"Gaara."
"Ne?"
"My name's Gaara."
She laughed freely.
"My name's Mahiru."
And even if it was only for a short amount of time… she took away his monster in the closet.
She made him feel safe, if only for a short amount of time.
He could have kept her; he could have avoided hurting her like he hurt himself.
But he didn't.
And now his monster had come back.
And he was terrified, and hurt and confused and he just wanted the hole in his chest to go away.
So he closed his eyes, and let the snow she could feel fall on his searing skin.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
A/N: Ugh. Chapter One rewritten, and definitely more to my liking. God. Now I need to change this from Drama to Angst. Curse me and my love for angsty depressing stuffs. Anyways, if you would like chapters to get out faster, please do review. They motivate me more than you can imagine.
Also, I am looking for a beta-reader. It would help me find some mistakes I may have missed, and would make the story tons more interesting. So please, drop me an email or mention it in a review and we'll see what'll be done!