I do not own anything! south of nowhere is all tom lynch.
Sorry if this is the horrible. I have never written like this before and just wanted to give it a shot. It flip flops between Spencer and Ashley's point of view while going from flashback to their present day at age 30.
Chapter 1.
I take a deep breath and think of how far we have come. There have been struggles but no matter what there magnitude we managed to always find each other again. Our connection has always been intense and it took us walking away from it to see how much we both needed or couldn't live with out it.
I notice her mouth begin to move as I hear that raspy voice and know each of these words is meant just for me. "Spencer, I'll never fully be able to express all that you mean to me, its impossible. But I will never stop trying everyday of the rest of our lives to show you. The person I am today is because of you; you have stood by me through so much, as my friend, my partner, and the love of my life. We met young but through our journey, through the good and the bad, we have grown into adults and with out you I would still be that scared teenager blocking anything with meaning out of my life. I love you for showing me how to live, and making me feel whole."
Listening to her words I see the tears in her eyes that she works hard to hold back and I give her hand a slight squeeze as i tilt my head to smile at her. It seems to have helped as her mouth begins to form a smile. I open my mouth to reciprocate the deeply felt worlds and feel my own eyes begin to water. Tears make there way past my eye lids and roll down my face, there is no way i will get through these few sentences with out crying so i continue.
"Ash." I sigh knowing no matter how well i express myself it will not come close to what i feel for this women. "The day we met was the day my life started. I began feeling changing and letting myself feel things i didn't even know existed with in me. You woke me up and showed how to be myself." i feel her hand on my face as her thumb brushes away a tear. The weight of my head instinctively falls into her palm as i look into those perfect brown eyes. "I love you more each day and will never fear tomorrow knowing you will be there with me."
The minister speaks and we are granted our first kiss as wife and wife. Our lips find each other has they have a million times and gently we part our mouths to taste each other one more time before turning towards our cheering family and friends. Together we hug my parents, Christine, Kyla, and Glen before making our way past the crowed of familiar faces and into the limo waiting for us outside. Once we are alone we fall deeply into the seats, exhausted from the months of preparation and look at each other in disbelief. Finally the day was here and we had just gotten married. Our lives together had started and it felt more satisfying then anything i could remember in my 30 years of life.
"Mrs. Carlin-Davies, you look more beautiful than anything Iv ever seen"
"Why thank you Mrs. Davies, you don't look so bad yourself!"
She softly chuckles before pulling me into a more passionate kiss then we were able to so share moments ago.
The Reception.
The two of us sit centered at the head table with our closest friends lined up beside us. I look to each of them thinking of all the things we have seen each other through. Kyla and Ashley had overcome so much. I thought for sure Kyla would be shut out after the lip-sinking stunt, but they ended up working past it and understanding sisters meant being there for each other forever. Adien sat with his arm around Kyla, they had been married for years and now that Ashley and I had made that commitment we were all family. Given our history i think its odd we are all now connected for life, but then i think of how empty i would feel with out them.
Turning to my right I glanced at my brother that had made so many changes over the years. I loved that he and Chelsea had found each other again now that they had found themselves over the years. They let each other explore and find what they needed, remaining friends until the timing was right for both of them. Chels couldn't have been a more perfect maid of honor. The fact that she made my brother so happy and helped him to grow up was just an added bonus.
So many years had gone by since we all had met, since my brothers and I had moved out here. Now after all this time i was married to the first person i truly loved. I would be lying if i said these years had been nothing but wonderful and life was perfect from the moment i shook her hand in that gym. It was far from perfect, but with out going through all of that we wouldn't be as strong as we were now. We hurt each other, both of us could have done a number of things differently, there are a number of days i wish i could erase from my mind. But I cant so instead i remember our mistakes and think of how much we have worked past to be together.
"You left. You left me alone the whole summer. How do i forgive you for something like that? I had to get over losing my brother forever and all you could think to do was make me feel like i had lost you too?"
"I'm sorry Spence, I didn't know what else to do. I ran. I got scared and left you to deal with everything alone. I panicked, i thought being here with you would mean id have to reface my dads death. I wasn't strong enough to be here with you, if i was i would have never ran in the first place."
"Don't you think i know how scared you get? How hard it is for you to face anything real? All i have done since we became friends is try and show you that I would always be there for you and that you didn't have to try and push me away. I needed you to show me you would do the same for me, just this once. I didn't even care if you said or did the right things to make it feel a little less painful. I just wanted you to be here, next to me letting me cry on your shoulder, or fall asleep with your arms around me. I needed you to just physically be here."
"I know. I screwed it all up. I don't know how you could ever forgive me, but i will do anything to prove myself to you. I want to be us again. I miss you, and us."
"Ashley.... I've missed us for the past three months. I missed my best friend, the person i loved, and the only person i thought could make me feel better. But now, standing next to you I want nothing more than to walk away. I hate the way you made me feel, and how that whole time I wasn't able to stop loving you. You-"
"Spence."
"No! You don't get to show up now and try and hold my hand to comfort me. You can keep trying to prove yourself, but the moment you left is the moment i understood who you truly were and what i truly meant to you."
That was so hard to walk away from her that day. I wanted to turn back and pull her into my arms but I couldn't. I wasn't about to show her I was crying too as I left her standing there alone. I really did hate what she did to me. Those few months would have been horrible even if she had stuck around. Clay was my brother and I couldn't grasp the concept that he was gone. It still is painful to think about him. But with her next to me I would have felt safe. I never felt as safe as i did wrapped in her arms. She was so protective; it made me laugh at times but made me love her even more.
Senior year was tough. The shooting left us all broken to a degree. Now looking back i think everyone was searching for some way to just put it in the past. We all ended up making shitty choices at some point that year. Being lost was inevitable after a situation like that but at the time this thought didn't comfort me at all when i saw her get off his bike that morning. Those first few months of school were pointless. I don't think i retained any information. I still cringe when i think of what a mess i was back then. Glancing back across the friends seated at our head table i think of how one by one we have helped pull each other up out of many messes. We really were one family in the end.
I feel her hand find mine on my lap and as we intertwine our fingers she raises our hands to kiss mine gently. After all these years the slightest touch or kiss still sends shivers down my spine. Our eyes meet and like always I am lost in her gaze.
"Where did you drift of to during dinner?"
"Nowhere really. Just thinking of how far all of us have come over the years."
She looks at me in that knowing way we both seem to have after years of being so close. "I love that for the rest of our lives I will be able to hold your hand and comfort you." Another kiss gently grazes my hand and I smile in amazement at how well we can read each other's thoughts.
After the plates are cleared and we have made our rounds to thank everyone for joining us we are told to cut the cake. With out much of a mess we feed each other a bite of our wedding cake. Ashley wipes the frosting off the tip of my nose and kisses me after i remove the frosting from her chin. We are introduced as a couple and take our spot in the center of the dance floor. The band stops playing the song we had picked out and Ashley informs the crowd and myself that she has recorded a song she would like to play instead. After returning the microphone she takes my hands and the sweet sound of her voice leaves the speakers. My eyes begin to well as I lean forward and find the crook of her neck. My head rests there perfectly as it had many times before. I listen to Ashley's voice whispering the words of the song made just for me into my ear.
With you I can over come all.
I remember a time we were apart.
I looked for you everyday waiting for us to find our way.
My dreams kept me sane those days.
My dreams kept me with you those days.
You found your way back to me and I held on so tight.
Keeping you safe and loved was my goal each night.
Writing those lyrics had come so easy. I think about the times we were apart everyday, I don't think I could ever forget what those days felt like. But thinking about them makes me remember how amazing it was when we would find each other again. Spencer had to put up with me making so many mistakes over the years. I know she made some too, but now after all this time we both got it right.
"Slow down Chels. What happened? What about Spencer? Is she ok?"
"Ashley, hurry and get to my studio. I just walked in on Carmen pushing Spencer around. I got Carmon to leave but I can't calm Spencer down!"
"Are you fucking kidding me? Where is Carmen?"
"I don't know she just ran off! I know you guys aren't real close right now but Spencer's scared and…. She's coming back from the bathroom I have to go."
"What are you doing here?" she seemed completely shocked to see my face again that night.
"I called her Spence. I'm sorry."
"Are you ok? Let me see what she did to you."
"I'm fine Ash. You didn't have to come here. I'm fine."
"You are not fine. I can see you shaking. Let me help Spence, I want to be here."
Chelsea slowly got up and pointed for me to sit next to Spencer. I wonder if the hitch in my breathing was noticible as I placed my hand on her back. I wanted to be there for her so bad but a part of me wanted to get up and run around LA until I found the fucking girl that did this to her. But I knew even sitting next to her, touching her back was a big step for us and I wasn't going to screw it up. Slowly starting to talk on the phone again had taken so long and after the club tonight with that Carmon girl I thought I had sent us back to square one. I have to be doing something right just sitting here because her tears seem to be slowing down.
"Ash. I don't know what happened. She got so mad so fast. I tried to calm...." Her words trail off as tears start back up again and she hides her face.
"Shhh. Its ok. I promise I'm going to sit here with you as long as it takes for you to not be scared anymore." I softly say next to her ear in an almost whisper, as I continue to rub her back. She looked up at me through her tears and quietly said "thanks" before resting her head on my shoulder.
That seems so long ago now thinking about it. Every movement I made scared me. I thought at any second I could do the wrong thing and she would pull away. I couldn't blame her, what I did to her was inexcusable. I was so stupid. I walked away from the only person worth sticking around for.
I did feel slightly better when I bumped into Carmon the next day and got to see how she liked being pushed around. I don't remember much after locking eyes with her. It's as if my mind had left my body and all that was left were clenched fists and a grinding jaw. But now holding her tight while we dance at our wedding makes every argument or break up so meaningless.
"Ashley! STOP IT! It's not even worth it. Get off of her Ashley! Your going to get kicked out." she said to me as she helped pull the two of us apart. I was being restrained by arms that had wrapped around my waist, Spencer's arms. I could hardly breath, I'm not sure if this was from the adrenalin pumping through me or the fact that I was for the first time in months wrapped in her arms.
"Yea why don't you and your tease of a girlfriend beat it?"
"That's it! Spencer let me go! Let me go!" I tried everything to escape her grip but of course Kyla and Aiden jump in making it impossible for me to get any closer to my enemy.
"Ash come on lets go, I don't know what's going on but Spencer is right, it's not worth it. You need to cool off, were getting out of here." Kyla looks at Spencer and Aiden showing she means all of us and they push me towards the car.
"You didn't have to do that Ashley, I can take care of myself. Plus look now your hurt." She gently raises a hand to touch my lip and I flinch at the contact. After taking in what was going on I realize Spencer and I are sitting in the back of Aiden's car. This is the first time the four of us had been together since prom. I can only hope the pain of my bruised face will distract me from the mind numbing conversation the four of us are going to have to tackle. I so did not see my day ending up like this when I got up this morning.