[ i. the way they looked at her ]
Maki is only 13 years old when the boys start to sneer at her when she walks to the front of class. There is something akin to disgust on their faces. There is something akin to confusion on hers. They give her a look, the look, and their mouths curve downward. Even the girls are whispering something in the back of the classroom; their eyes are sharp, mischievous, dangerous.
They're definitely showing favoritism.
To whom? That girl? She's nothing.
And everyone's holding their breath. Everyone's staring her down.
[ ii. those eyes ]
Maki is only 15 years old when Yamada sticks his notebook in her desk after school. The next day he comes in and he gives her the look and says, Maki, Maki, you dirty thief.
They're all frowning at her. They're all looking grossed out, they have the look where they're looking at a dead animal caught in a trap, one week old and festering in it's own rot and shit. The rest of their classmates crowd around her and the boy, forming a human wall which separates the guilty from escape.
Not that she's even guilty at all.
She tries to raise her voice over everyone else's, I didn't do it, it wasn't me, I'm sorry, okay, I don't know how it ended up there.
But nobody listens. The boys and girls push her, kick her. They shout even louder, Maki's such a dirty thief, bet she's all messed up in the head, only weird people like her can lie and not feel a thing!
They chant it like a mantra.
Liar Maki.
Dirty Maki.
Maki hides in the bathroom stall for the rest of the school day. Maki doesn't go home until everyone else has already left, until her skin is purpled with bruises from everyone's shoes. Maki sits. Maki waits.
Maki says, Sorry, I'm sorry to the mirrors, to the fluorescent lights, but never to herself.
[ iii. her disgrace ]
Maki is only 16 years old when she comes home one day while her mom is making something in the kitchen. There are dishes balanced precariously in the sink, and there are plates sitting everywhere. Her mother gives her a brief glance, and then dismisses her with a We're having some friends come over, Maki.
Maki nods, and as she's reaching to grab an orange from the fruit bowl in the center of their table, her hand quivers and pushes the fancy decorated bowl off the edge.
Now she's done it.
Useless Maki, her mom screams, Stupid Maki! You dimwit! Idiot! What were you thinking!?
Maki wants to cry. It's been happening a lot lately. She closes her eyes and counts to ten, tries to wash away all the bad feelings in her body.
Her mother's lips curl downwards in distaste, hardly even acknowledging her own daughter slowly falling apart in front of her. Her mother says,you can't do anything right.
Maki says, Sorry, I'm sorry to her enraged mother. Maki stares at the ground, looking at porcelain shards glimmer under the afternoon sun.
[ iv. that feeling of regret ]
Maki is only 17 when—
The girl named Maki is being bullied again—
The girl named Maki doesn't know what to do—
The girl named Maki just wants to be alone—
The girl named Maki can't even tell her own feelings apart anymore—
The girl named Maki—
THE GIRL NAMED MAKI FUCKED UP AGAIN!
[ v. the end ]
Maki is only 18 when—
The girl named Maki is staring at the concrete pavement from the top of the school. The wind howls, but Maki doesn't feel it. Maki doesn't feel a lot of things anymore. Her skin is cold, but she doesn't feel it. Her skin is bruised, but she doesn't feel it.
She's should be used to this; she's been dying for years.
She tries to close her eyes, count to ten, but she can't, her head is pounding. She's full of emotions, but she stopped being able to tell the difference between her regret and her despair and her sadness.
She's going crazy.
She's sure of it.
She takes a step closer to the edge. These last strides of hers means everything.
(three steps left)
They mean the inevitable loss of life, the ending of her torment, her salvation.
(two steps left)
They mean that her classmates will finally stop and they mean that her mother won't have to be disappointed by her anymore.
(one step left)
They mean she can finally be alone.
(this is it)
They mean no more stupid Maki. No more useless Maki. Never again.
[ vi. friend ]
Somewhere through her hell of a life, something went wrong.
So when the man, an escort, Kirishima, comes along, she already hates him.
I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong I did nothing wrong
The man says, Were you truly alone?
He holds out this thing, dimly shining in the night. It's a necklace.
Oh.
Maki, we're friends, you can always rely on me!
Maki, please continue smiling!
Maki, I believe in you!
Somewhere through her hell of a life, she almost forgot something.
And she feels like it was very important, like she'll never feel happy without it.
But for now it's alright.
Yuu.
She remembered.