Closer to the Truth - v22.0
Man, these people were strong. Too strong, in fact. I couldn't breathe! And this idiot WASN'T - LETTING - GO!!! I tried to yell, but it was impossible at that point. Finally, Austie sensed my pain and tackled the guy. Thankfully. He finally loosened his grip and I collapsed, inhaling as much of that beautiful three-letter word, air, as I could.
The guy that had nearly just strangled me straightened up and spoke. "But...I thought that was a sign of friendship in your time? Affection, even? Did I do something wrong?"
I debated about whether to let loose a torrent of words that would sufficiently express my annoyance. Probably including lots of insults and such. I could tell him off. Or I could let it go.
In the end, I decided to just forget the lecture. This guy was our host, after all, and we needed information. I figured that he might be a just a little more reluctant to give it if I started a speech addressing him that began "You stupid idiot". Anyway, it was clear to see that this man meant no harm. Unless I was just kind of lame at telling people's natures, but I didn't really want to accept that.
"No problem. Just, like, go a bit easier next time, 'kay?"
Without waiting for him to respond, I pressed on. "So. I prefer a direct approach. We need answers. You're, uh, Scooby, right?"
"No. Actually, little ignorant boy, the people of this age are all addressed as 'sir' or 'madam'. And we also prefer to go by no less than two names. No one is on a first-name basis these days." Ouch. He seemed a lot haughtier now than he had earlier. I think he was kind of ticked off that I didn't call him "sir." And I really didn't appreciate being referred to as "ignorant." I mean, how on Earth was I supposed to know anything!?
And another thing. No more being knighted, then, I suppose? And wasn't the opposite supposed to be "dame?" Not always, but...ah...so...confusing...
Austie spoke up. "Sir Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser, we are in desperate need of assistance. What we require is information. I understand that you are a most esteemed historian?"
"True, true, my dear boy," said Sir Scooby Ghidorzi fondly, as if addressing his grandson. Yikes. Why did he seem to favor Austie so much? Could it possibly be because he called him "sir?"
Anyway, he continued to speak, even through my musings. "You will have the facts, then. Please, then, feel free to ask me anything that you would like."
"How old are you?" I butted in.
"Not you, foolish boy, but this young sir here," that Scooby guy said. Wow. Okay, he definitely didn't like me.
"Sir Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser, I'll start at the beginning. Why was the Earth - as in the dying Earth we all left - why was there a mechanical forest?"
"Well. That's not so hard of a question, but it is saddening to say. The people, having caused the extinction of almost every animal and most living things except, of course, themselves and cockroaches, slowly began the change to mechanical things instead. One of the portals was situated in a mechanical zoo. Maybe an arboretum. I assume that you must have taken that one, then? No, look. Everything was gradually dying off. The trees and shrubs and plants went first. There was a World War III and a World War IV, you know. The wars were waged, killing thousands of forests. That and erosion turned their former habitats into barren, dry land. And, even before then, you have to understand that there were many more people. They demanded wood and timber to suit their needs. More trees were cut down. Forests were burned by arsonists. It was a mess. Luckily, we were able to create more technology that acted in the same way as trees. But they were never truly identical, never really equivalent to what they had been before. Wildlife couldn't adapt fast enough. The world was never the same...you don't get how uncaring the population of the world can be when it comes to environmental problems. There was an immense amount of pollution in the world. Radioactivity from nuclear research was an issue. Oil spills and industrialization, killing living things in the air and under the water. Global warming. The thing is, not enough people rose to stand against it. To everyone's regret. But, in whole, the ruination of my former world must be credited mainly to Tony Sun, that infamous name that belonged to the person who helped changed all of our lives - and not for the better."
Hey. There was my name again. What had I done? It was killing me not to know. I glanced at Austie, pleading with my eyes for him to ask more. I had an idea that this guy wouldn't react so well to my inquiries.
"Could you tell us more about this Tony Sun, Sir Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser?"
Oh. I wasn't sure if I was ready for this. After all, that stuff about the world's decay had shocked me. How would it feel to learn of the exploits that I didn't even remember? But I still didn't really believe it. No, I told myself. It wasn't your fault, it couldn't be...
Sir Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser sighed. "Well. You have to know, I guess. But, being a historian, sometimes you learn of horrible things that the world has done. People don't learn from their mistakes as much as they should, you know. So, Tony Sun. He was a worthless, stupid, vile little boy, like your friend over there, young sir."
Uh, so I couldn't remember his whole name. Big deal. He didn't have to make such a fuss about it. Although...
"In his youth, he was somehow turned into an ant by some wicked kid called Owen, who apparently aspired to become an evil mastermind. That should have been the end of him. I mean, how long can an ant survive, anyway? But, somehow, he managed to discover the mysterious land of Furonia two hundred and fifty years ahead of schedule. There, he completely wrecked the island and stole, for his own benefit, the failsafes that would enable us to restore the planet to its former glory. Along the way, he also activated the mechanism that worked in essentially the same way. It could change things back for the better in case of a worldwide disaster. Repair the world. And it could only be used once. But that's not the end of it. Following his abominable actions as an ant, he again set out to wreck the peace and security that Earth's residents had built up for themselves. This time, he was attempting to change the Great Lightbulb of Tallinn. With amazing luck, he succeeded, with the help of that fiend Owen. It started up the slow fall of Earth. More natural disasters, more disease, more homicidal thoughts. Everything we didn't want. I don't know how the Great Lightbulb of Tallinn worked. But I have a feeling that Tony did, and he set the apocalypse in motion knowing full well that he was doing it. The only good thing was that he was captured by the hero of the past. Owren."
I fell over. Literally. After listening to his story, it was too much. I had unintentionally screwed up the planet and history had marked me as a villain. And Owren was the good guy? What was going on here!? How could this be!? Why?
Scooby the historian watched me sternly and said, "I see, dumb little boy, that you are quite as clumsy as you are stupid."
How's that for putting someone down? This guy wasn't very nice. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was a liar. Maybe...I gave up trying to make excuses. I had done what he had said on Furonia. Possibly, without even realizing it, it had resulted in this.
No! I couldn't let it overwhelm me with despair. I had felt too much of that already. I had gotten out of it. I would come through this time, also. But what could I do now? What could I do, knowing that I had doomed everything? Maybe it would even have been better for me to have stayed within the dimensional passage forever. I hadn't yet done the second of my supposed deeds, right? I hadn't gotten around to changing the Great Lightbulb of Tallinn. So I could simply stay here forever. Never to return to my own time. Never to have to live with the ultimate guilt.
Then I realized. Owen had set me up to that task. Owen had told me to change that Great Lightbulb. What if it had all been him? What if I had done as I had wanted to, and he had gone ahead with his plans and framed me?
But what if I was wrong? Another impossible choice.
Austie turned to me, looking pained. I could tell he didn't know what path to take, either. He pointed at me. Ah. He wanted me to decide. Swell.
Meanwhile, he continued to ask questions. "What happened here, then? What's the meaning of all this metal networking? I mean, you have like furniture and things in here, but what's happening with this world? Which dimension is this, anyway, Sir Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser?"
"Well, young sir, the people of this world have encased the entire planet in layers of metal. An immense structure. I'm talking IMMENSE. The whole Earth. And I'm pretty sure that there's like sixteen stories. Amazing, huh? It's the biggest apartment complex ever. Like, everwhere, it's there. In it, there are dwellings and homes and such. Apartments. We can't leave and we don't want to, either. Pollution. From the past. You go outside, you die. In that respect, it's even worse than the world we left, in fact. But we remain. The people of this world built this place before us. I don't know how they did it. It should theoretically have taken centuries to complete, but...well...yeah. We're in another version of our time. I believe I mentioned that, but. You see? A different dimension. It is the choices of the people that determine the fate of the world. In this version of Earth, there might not even have been a Tony Sun. I haven't delved all that deep into this world's history. It's hard to find a library or anything. Oh yeah, we have resources. I believe that the sixteenth and seventeenth floors are devoted entirely to creating the necessities we require to survive. Oh yes. And, finally, the matter of the people who lived here before us. In fact, there are more of us than in my old world. There were less deaths, right? So there might be another Scooby Ghidorzi. I don't know. I'm not going to bother to check. We're just lucky that these people were smart enough to construct over triple the rooms that they required so that we could move in. Half of the stories are still empty."
Austie's eyebrows were raised. "And the original inhabitants of this version of Earth, they-"
He stopped in midsentence. I looked up from my thinking. I saw Austie drop to the ground, shoved by Agent 003 Feet. The impostor, I realized. In our amazement and curiosity, we had forgotten about him. He had gotten free of his bonds. And he was out for revenge.
"And who is this, young sir?" Sir Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser (whoa, I finally got it) asked. I assumed that he wasn't talking to me. After all, he hated me and never called me "young sir" anyway. Not that I cared. I had bigger problems to deal with. Agent 003 Feet. I lunged for him with my SUPER TONY LUNGE move. I missed and hit the ground right in front of him. But, reacting with SUPER TONY REFLEXES, I looked up and saw his foot heading towards my face. I tried to roll out of the way with my SUPER TONY ROLL, but it failed and I got nailed. Hey, even in emergencies, I'm a poet. I didn't even know it! Okay, enough, enough. Back to my grim situation. I was seeing stars. Who was impersonating him, anyway? Whoever he was, he was strong. That's how I had realized it in the first place. The true Agent 003 Feet would never be able to knock me out. He had no power behind his blows. Not that taking notice of his toughness was going to help me at the moment. Through the haze, I noticed that the gags over his mouth were off. He could easily reveal my identity to Sir Scooby Ghidorzi. That would not be good. Not at all. I had a feeling that matters were worse than I had realized.
In the end, it was down to Austie. It seemed that his primary job these days was taking care of this fake Agent 003 Feet.
He was extremely good at his job.
Agent 003 Feet launched one of his hit-hard punches. I cringed, not thinking that Austie would be able to dodge it. I was wrong. Austie ducked to the left, grabbed the oncoming arm, and yanked, using the impersonator's momentum against him. The false Agent 003 Feet flew forward and crashed to the ground. Yes! Time for some payback of my own. I leaped forward using my SUPER TONY LEAP, ready to finish the weakened Agent 003 Feet, and crashed hard into Austie, who was also homing in on the phony agent, in midair. We landed, stunned, at the feet of the charlatan, who was just getting up. That was the end of the fight. We had...lost.
And now we were tied up. Our state of affairs? In big, big trouble. Agent 003 Feet had told the Scooby dude who I was. He gave Austie's name as Owen. And now they both glared at us with undisguised hatred. It was no difference to me, but Austie was in on it, too, now, I suppose. I wasn't sure whether that made it better or worse. Worse, I guess. I wondered if they still had the death penalty around. If so, I was probably facing it. They believed that I had caused Armageddon. I puzzled over if there were even still laws here. Was there a government? Would I get another trial? I didn't know how anything worked. Basically, I was pretty much dead meat. I decided to try and talk my way out of this with my SUPER TONY PERSUASION skills. I know, I know. None of my other awesome Tony powers had worked. But I had SUPER TONY PERSISTENCE. I wouldn't give up.
"Who are you, really?" I asked the one who masqueraded as Agent 003 Feet for who-knows-how-long. Maybe there had never been an Agent 003 Feet. Wait. No. That didn't make any sense. How could I have told them apart, then? Nah...
"I'm Agent 003 Feet. What's the matter with you?" he responded.
"Uh...no, you aren't." I said.
"Uh...yes, I am."
"Uh, no, you aren't."
"Yes, I am."
"No, you aren't!"
"Yes, I am!"
"NO, YOU AREN'T!!!"
"YES, I AM!!!"
At that point, I had to stop the shouting match because I couldn't yell any louder. He was nothing but a trickster with no morals. Those types infuriated me so much. But what was really annoying was that there was nothing that I could do about it. My SUPER TONY ARGUING skills had failed me.
"You're not Agent 003 Feet," I began. "You're but nothing. You don't understand friendship. You don't amount to anything."
He grinned diabolically. "Of course I understand friendship. If you have more friends, you get invited to more birthday parties."
What a loser. What a lowlife. Although, deep down, I think the real reason that I was despising him so much at the moment was that I had no good comebacks. Still, he had no good arguments, either. Just...better than me.
Ugh! I wasn't supposed to be analyzing the quality of his arguments. I needed a plan of escape. What were we to do now? Austie was tied up on the other side of the room. If I tried to communicate with him in some way, they'd see. And Scooby had just called in enforcement officers. I guess they had laws after all.
"Look, it's obvious that you're not who you say you are. Agent 003 Feet isn't strong. Agent 003 Feet isn't smart. Well, not enough to top my arguments, anyway. The real Agent 003 Feet can't do anything you do with ease."
"How do you know?" was the reply I received.
"What do you mean?"
"How do you know that it wasn't me all along, posing as Agent 003 Feet forever? How do you know...?"
"Look. Answer this question, then. It's from when I knew him one year ago. You couldn't possibly know it. You'll see. They do this in Harry Potter. Well, here goes. Hmm...what was the one subject that Agent 003 Feet talked about most with me when we were both in seventh grade?"
"I...uh...okay. School. I'm positive. Because I was there."
"Obviously, you weren't. We liked to talk about clouds. Like I said, you're not Agent 003 Feet."
He seemed to be thinking. Grinding his teeth together. Looking agitated. This was probably a good sign.
At last, he conceded. "Okay, then, you win. But you still don't know who I actually am..."
He was right on that front. I didn't. That might result in not-so-good consequences in the future. Nothing I could do. I really hated that feeling of helplessness.
But, despite the fact that we were on our way to certain condemnation, I wasn't giving up. My SUPER TONY PERSISTENCE was, perhaps, the only trait of mine that I was actually adept at. I didn't lose hope. Smirking at the fake Agent 003 Feet, I announced, "I have a plan."
What can I say? It sounded dramatic. I love sounding dramatic. Plus, cliches are just plain awesome.
But ideas really had formed in my mind. If Agent 003 Feet was just foolish enough, and my SUPER TONY POWERS didn't fail me, I could get us out of this fix. I said what I did, not just for show, but because it was true.
I really did have a plan.
Navigating the Labyrinth - v21.0
We hadn't gone fifty feet down the weird, chrome corridor when Austie suddenly motioned for me to stop. I doubted that he was tired, even though he had to bear the immense weight of the fake Agent 003 Feet. He was in twice the shape I was. No, this had to be something more important.
Austie pointed ahead. "See, up there?"
I squinted. My eyesight just didn't seem as good after that horror ride through dimensions. But, faintly, I could see that this hallway branched off into ten other passageways, all identical. "It looks like this place could be bigger and more confusing than I thought," I admitted. "How are we going to find our way to that guy's home? What is this place, anyway?"
"Well, I suppose that you should know a little more about where we are," said Austie, looking at me. "The people of the future don't live the same way we do. Not in different houses and different places and all that stuff. They've covered the planet in this enormous metal structure. No one can leave. No one wants to, either."
I suddenly realized that I didn't even know which dimension this was. Luckily, there was a simple solution. I asked Austie, who seemed to know just about everything at this point, unless he was a complete liar and it was just for effect. Then again, I didn't really think that.
"We're in another dimension of the future. It's actually the same time. Just...the people made different choices. It resulted in a different world. One where humanity survived."
I had about a million and three other questons at that point, like why the people would choose to live out their lives in this boring complex, but I supposed that they'd have to wait 'till we got to that Scooby insert-last-name-here's place. Oh yeah. That reminded me. "How do we get to Scooby insert-last-name-here's place?" I inquired.
"It's Scooby Ghidorzi. Technically, it's Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser, but his name is, strangely, pretty unique, so he only goes by the first two. Most of the people of this time have four names, in case you were wondering."
"Oh. And, uh, yeah. Strange that it's so unique. I've, like, heard that name dozens of times before," I muttered, rolling my eyes.
"What?" Austie asked. When I didn't respond, he continued. "So. As for how we get there, I have a room number. It's, uh, nine billion, seventy-seven thousand and four. We just need to find it."
Nice room number. I was guessing that there were a lot more people now then when I lived. "So, where are we now? Hey, and how do the people get around, if there are nine billion rooms around?"
"Teleportation chambers," Austie answered.
"That's amazing," I stated, my eyes wide. "The technology here is truly amazing."
"Of course, that means that you're going to be destroyed in there, and your mind and body reconstructed somewhere else. And there were some mishaps in the preliminary tests, Tyrel tells me..."
Oh. The light is shed. "Okay, that's kind of creepy, actually. I'd rather not, if we don't have to. So how close are we now?"
"Oh, one thousand, one hundred and seventy-three bios away. That's about a mile, I think."
Wait a minute. "But they used miles as units of measurement in that forest...oh. So they just have other things like bios instead of feet or meters, then?"
"Yeah, I guess so. I don't know everything, just what Tyrel told me when we were waiting for you to come around. That was probably about two days, by the way. Agent 003 Feet must have really nailed you. Strange, 'cause I always thought of him as kind of a weakling..."
He stopped talking, and we set off at a comfortable jogging pace. Luckily, the, like, decuple fork at the end of the road had labels on each of the passages.
Ten minutes later, we were there. That large door seemed kind of imposing. Austie touched his hand to a button next to it and a camera popped out of the wall to analyze him. We were startled by a voice. "Who are you?" it boomed.
"Uh...Sir Scooby Ghidorzi Leeum Ryser, sir, I'm a friend of Sir Tyrel Banks Goncalo Hann-Jing, who is the friend of the friend of your friend. We need some help."
For a minute, there was silence. I wondered whether he was going to let us in. Then the door rushed open again and Austie stepped through. But before I could come in, it slammed shut. How's that for hospitality!? Then again, that was exactly what had happened to Tyrel.
But then it slid down again to allow me to pass. I walked into the apartment and was immediately knocked back to the door that had just closed, in a death grip that forced the air from my lungs.
Getaway - v20.0
There was no question about it. We had to get out of here. I didn't know much of anything about this device, but somehow it didn't seem feasible that some little machine could permanently and instantly wipe out your mind and memories.
But I didn't want that, anyway. These people had saved us from the lousy fate of being stranded on an Earth that was long past overdue.
We couldn't stay here, though. I still didn't know how to explain anything, although I suppose there was no point at the moment. And I had no idea how to provide a reasonable excuse as to why we were sitting around here with these brain-dead people. Yep, there was no good reason to hang around here. There had to be someone on this place who could give us answers.
Except I had no idea where we were. I'd been unconscious for the most part of my time here, and I'd never had any recollection of being anywhere but this room. Oh yeah, and I wasn't sure how to get through that door. It looked like a wall. It didn't have any hinges or handles or anything. I walked over and tried to push it open. I kicked it. Then, noticing some kind of panel next to it, I just decided to give up. Maybe it wouldn't open for me, anyway.
Over to the side, Austie had reached the same conclusions as me and was now watching my failed attempts to open the door. "Tony, that won't work, and this isn't a good place to stay. We have to leave this guy's residence and-"
Wait a minute. I wasn't getting this. "Residence? This room was his home?"
"There isn't time for this now," Austie said. "We need to make our getaway, and soon. I know that you really want answers, and I have some for you. But it'll have to wait for later. We need to look for a guy named Scooby Ghidorzi. And we'll have to take this traitor along, too."
"He's not a traitor-" I started.
"Look, I really don't care right now. I mean, I do, but I don't want to hear it at the moment. You can tell me everything later and I'll fill you in on what I know. Can you bring that man over here? His name is Tyrel, by the way."
Now I know. Tyrel, as I can now call him, was trying to stand up at the moment. He seemed a little uncoordinated. I gave him a hand and led him over to Austie.
"Hey, Tyrel, remember me?" Austie asked.
"Uh...no...who...is...Trowel?" Tyrel spoke slowly, as if trying to remember the words.
"You're Tyrel, of course! And I'm your best friend, man! We were just about to go out, remember?"
"Uh...okay..."
"So, come on, let us out and we'll be leaving!"
"Uh...okay..."
Austie grabbed his arm and pulled him over to the panel by that stupid, all-too-solid door. "You want to go now, right?"
"Uh...sure..."
"Then just place your hand on this and we'll be off, old chap!" Austie had to guide Tyrel's hand to the thing. "Now just hold it there for a moment..."
The door slid open. But, like, it went down. I guess it didn't matter. Austie slung Agent 003 Feet, who was now all tied up, over his shoulder, and we both walked out of the door. Tyrel started to follow, but it suddenly slid shut in his face. I wasn't getting all this technology.
Although, like, Austie said, it didn't matter right now. Right now, all I had to get was away. We broke into a comfortable jog. I followed Austie, who was slowed down a bit by the considerable weight of not-Agent 003 Feet, to who knows where. Scooby whatever's place, I guess. Soon, I would have some answers.
We were on our way.
Mindless - v19.0
His words knocked the breath out of me harder than anything Agent 003 Feet could do. I couldn't believe it. Me, cause the doom of their world? Me?
Off to the side, I heard the false Agent 003 Feet yell, "It's him! He-"
The impostor was cut short. Austie had managed to subdue him, I suppose. I was too stunned to look. How could this have happened? But then the implications of the man's words hit me. I didn't want them to know who I was, if it was really me who had ruined their lives. I'd read all too many books to know that it wasn't good to let a group of people immensely stronger than you know that you had destroyed their planet and caused them all to evacuate. I stumbled over to Austie and slid the remote out of his hand. I looked at it. There were too many buttons and none of them were labeled. What was wrong with this? How would anyone even know how to use this? I handed it back to Austie and told him to try to use it to erase Agent 003 Feet's memory. I sneaked a glance at the guy from the future. He was just sitting there patiently, waiting. Watching us curiously. Probably wondering what the heck was going on. I didn't know what to tell him. What would be the best way to lie? The truth wasn't an option. I was guessing that this was getting suspicious. I had no choice but to wing it.
"So...tell me more about-" I started.
Unexpectedly, that mental blast hit me again and I was sent reeling. I clutched my head. It was throbbing horribly. I couldn't do anything but try to wait it out. I couldn't do anything. It was impossible to think.
After what felt like an eternity, it stopped. I felt weak, but at least I still hadn't lost any of my memories. What had Austie done? A failed attempt, perhaps, to make the phoney Agent 003 Feet forget about me?
Then I saw the others. Their faces were blank, and they were gazing at us confusedly.
Oh.
I'm History - v18.0
Some time later, I slowly regained consciousness as sense flooded back into me. Ouch. Knocked out again. How many times did this make it in the past year? Too many to count, I guess. Not to mention those stupid samurai ants that I encountered, who killed me one hundred and forty times consecutively. I vowed not to let it happen again. Of course, I didn't really have much power to back up that statement, but so what? Promises are made to be broken, anyway. Now, to assess my current situation. I was still hurting from the beating I had received upon entering this world. And though I was now awake and alert, I had not stirred from my position so as not to let anyone around know that I was no longer out cold. However, although my body lay still, my mind was racing. Where had the dimensional gate brought me? Where had the engineers of this invention set it up? Where were my friends? Most importantly, who had knocked me out? Were they still around? I had to risk it. Cautiously, I opened my eyelids a fraction of an inch, just enough to see what was going on. And what I saw was...absolutely nothing. It was pitch-black in here, too. What was wrong with me? Had I gone blind, maybe from the effects of that wormhole? And then lights blazed on throughout the room. Not that it made any difference. In fact, it was even worse. I was blinded for a minute, and I pulled myself up as I waited for my eyes to adjust. Oh, wait...argh! So much for keeping unnoticed. Quickly, I lay back down, hoping against hope that no one had seen me. Was there someone here now, someone who had just turned on the lights? And were they my mysterious attacker? Actually, yes. I heard heavy footsteps and did my best to look dead. It didn't work. I felt someone or something tentatively poke me in the face. They told me that they knew I was awake now. Figuring that there was no point in faking it, I opened my eyes and found myself staring into the face of Agent 003 Feet, who was leaning down to look at me. Although he didn't really need to lean all that much, if you get my meaning. I jumped up and grabbed him.
"Who are-"
Oh. Wait. I had just been thinking that someone might have been impersonating Agent 003 Feet. But that wasn't possible. He was too small. Ah. Oops. I put him down.
"Uh, sorry. Hey, Agent 003 Feet, nice to see you back, I guess. Do you know where we are? And did anyone attack you or anything when you first arrived?"
He went all pale. I got an ominous feeling from his expression. He was about to tell me something he really didn't want to.
"Er...um...uh...I don't know where we are..." he stammered.
Hmm...that didn't seem so bad. Was he trying to hide something?
"And what of my other question? Who attacked me? Know that one?" I asked.
"Eh...no...no one did anything to me...heh, heh..."
Okay, this was seriously weird. What was wrong-
Just then, Austie rushed into the room.
"It was Agent 003 Feet!" he yelled. "Apparently, he thought you were like a bad guy or something. Like, so much for intelligence, right? Luckily, I pulled him off of you before he could do any major damage. He tried to get me next...but, you see, he's a little puny short kid. And I'm...normal-sized. You see the point, I hope."
"Please! I didn't know! I hadn't even been awake 'till then!" Agent 003 Feet pleaded.
"But you were! You walked into the portal of your own accord." Austie stated.
"But...but..."
At that point, we were interrupted by the arrival of the man who had saved us. He looked a lot better. Wonders what food and rest could do to you. And while I'd gotten the latter, I still hadn't had anything to eat or drink. I was famished, and I told him so. But when I said that I wanted some Twinkies, he looked at me strangely.
"What's a Twinkie?" he wondered aloud.
Oh. Right. They wouldn't have the same food as us, would they?
"We only have natural, nutrient-filled nourishment here," he told me, as the rest of the troupe strolled in, pushing a cart with platters of covered dishes.
But when we saw what was under the lids...
"I give you...kale and seaweed salad!"
"Can I interest you in some fresh swiss chard?"
"Pea soup, anyone?"
Ugh. Obviously, some of the foods were the same. Of course, they had to be all of the disgusting ones. Reluctantly, I accepted some pea soup. I had to have something.
After I had had my fill - this wasn't all that much, considering that the pea soup tasted like...well, I don't want to say - we all sank into these coolio luxury-style chairs. It was explanation time. The man from the future was going to tell us everything. You know, I just noticed, I still didn't know his name. I'd have to get to that later. Or maybe people from the future didn't have names. No, that wouldn't make sense...would it? Gee whiz...time travel was confusing. And an idea started to materialize in my mind. Something that had been bothering me for a grand total of twenty minutes. What had Agent 003 Feet been trying to hide? Then it struck me. The truth. It was the only possible answer. Thinking back to how he had violently assaulted me, it all made sense. Sort of.
Quickly, I stood up. "Sorry to delay, but, before we start, I have to get to something."
I pointed at the impostor. "You're not Agent 003 Feet!" I cried. "You're...well, I don't know who you are. But whoever you are, you're definitely not Richard!"
Everyone stared. Maybe it was because I'd just revealed Agent 003 Feet's secret identity in front of a crowd of people. Or maybe...
They all burst into laughter. And it didn't die down. They just kept on laughing and laughing. I was getting angry. This wasn't a joke.
"SHUT UP!" I screamed. Normally, I wouldn't let such an outburst arise from my lips, but I couldn't take it any more. The pea soup had made me irritable and this ridicule of my theory when I hadn't even gotten the chance to explain it was too much. "JUST - SHUT - UP!"
They didn't stop. I noticed something. For everyone, it was the same annoying laugh. I mean, people don't all laugh the same laugh. Some are like dolphins and some are like donkeys. You know? And this...this was like a chorus. Except for one thing. One of their chuckles were different. It sounded sinister. Evil. The kind of mad laugh that Owen's always trying to perfect. And it was coming from Agent 003 Feet.
Abruptly, it all stopped. The silence was uncanny. And then one chortle erupted from the mouth of Agent 003 Feet. What was going on now? He was my friend, albeit a short one. And why did I feel so confused? No. What? I had just been thinking that he was a fake. What had changed my mind?
It was Agent 003 Feet. He gazed at me with dead, empty eyes.
"I know you, Tony Sun. You always made fun of me. Laughed at me, ignored me, took my opponent's side. And, yet, there was one thing that made it all worse. You pretended to be my friend."
He took a step closer. "And now you shall pay."
This couldn't be happening. I had never meant any of that. It had never seemed like Agent 003 Feet had really minded. Could he have? No! It wasn't Agent 003 Feet! ...but why not? What had been my reasons? Augh...my head felt like it was splitting apart. I couldn't think. And then, suddenly, it all ceased. Blearily, I looked at Agent 003 Feet. He was pulling out a small control. Like a remote control.
"Funny, this is. Who would have ever guessed that this ordinary television remote from your world - would one day be modified and adapted to become a device of mind control?"
Pure pain blasted through my thoughts, tearing them apart. Why was Agent 003 Feet...no...yes! It was Agent 003 Feet. How could it not be? No...wait...that wasn't right...
"Hmm...your mind is tougher than most. Not easy to break, eh? Well, try this."
I tried to move out of the way. It was futile. Whatever Agent 003 Feet was doing had a wide range. But I had guessed what he was trying to do...alter my thoughts. Change my thinking to how he preferred it. But, at once, the agony subsided. Wincing, I looked up. Austie had tackled Agent 003 Feet and was wrestling him for the device. Ha! Looks like I wasn't the only one with the willpower needed to overpower the control. Although the others were sitting around, dazed.
And, of course, Austie got it. How could he not? All of Agent 003 Feet's attention had been focused on me, and he was way too short to put up a fight. But...no. It wasn't him. I decided that making a speech in this present situation might not be the most useful idea. Instead, I crawled over to the group of people and tried to rouse them from the spell. I waved a hand in front of one's face. After a minute, they snapped out of their trance. I grinned...then realized that it was because Austie had regained control over the control and Agent 003 Feet was no longer overpowering their perception.
But it wasn't Agent 003 Feet!
Oh yeah. Everyone was coming to, though. Time enough to explain everything later. Agent 003 Feet was in custody, courtesy of Austie. It looked like it would all turn out okay.
The chief of the assemblage of people of the future shook his head. "I had the strangest dream...unending laughter...screams...and the mention of the name Tony Sun, who began the destruction of our planet 282 years ago."
Traveling - v17.0
The first thought that hit me as I fell through the portal was that it was dark. I couldn't see anything. It was, like, pitch-black in there. I guess it'd be terrifying if you were afraid of lightlessness. The second thing was that it was completely silent. Not a sound to be heard. Yeah, kind of spooky, I know. And then the monster leaps out of the shadows... Well, I don't actually watch horror movies or anything like that. Personally, I don't see the point in being scared out of my wits for no apparent reason. Downright foolish in my opinion. I frown on all the young'uns who can't get enough of them. Er, just forget I said that. Back to the sights (or lack of) and sounds (or lack of) and sensations in general of this tunnel that stretched across the borders of, well, everything. I'll be frank. There were none. Zip. Zero. My sight and hearing weren't the only things I'd lost. It was like all of my senses had been dulled down, like, big-time. I couldn't feel or speak or anything. Trust me, I tried. To no avail. I was completely at the mercy of this oddball passage. Looking back, I find this experience impossible to describe. It was unnerving. I couldn't even tell that I had a body. For all I knew, I didn't. The only thing left to me was the ability to think. I could still conceive thoughts, and it was the only thing left that really tethered me to existence. If not for it, I could just be in that gate and out without even knowing anything had happened. And then a horrible thought struck me. Suppose people never did get out of this tunnel. Maybe they were just left to this lifeless journey forever. Maybe this was a complete trick. No. I couldn't let these thoughts overwhelm me. But, believe, me, for my time in that place, I was scared. More scared than I had been in a very long while. Or even ever. Like, the only thing that had ever frightened me more was when I thought I had forgotten the recipe for my famous beef and bread sandwich. And recently, I'd been scared a lot. But this was the worst. Trapped in this miserable continuance for all eternity...
Then I felt a jolt. Obviously, the feeling in my body had returned to me. Yes! I could definitely tell that I was in a recumbent position. The ground was cool and unmistakably solid. Could it be? Was I finally out of this nightmare? Something bumped me again. And then, two seconds later, things started happening. The wind was knocked out of me. Like, badly, because it seriously hurt. In anguish, I screamed. Well, nice to know that I could talk again, even if it wasn't in the greatest of situations. I was beginning to go all woozy. Vaguely, I felt something hit me again.
I was already blacked out when they dealt the third blow.
Departure from this World - v16.0
It was amazing. At the sight of that tiny little piece of shredded mechanical monkey, the gloomy expressions of the travelers cleared from their faces to be replaced with wide grins. The cries they made were of jubilation. I couldn't believe that they could have the strength to yell, even after trudging around this forest for days. The people of the future were made of stronger stuff than us, I suppose. Maybe evolution had granted them greater resilience. Anyway, the sight was warming. I say that, not to sound cheesy, but because it's the truth. If this little thing could invoke so much exultation in these people who had given up hope, then it had to be good. And it was. It turned out to be the device inside the monkey that would have led us to the gate had it not, er, misjudged its aim so badly and shattered on impact with the ground. We were in greater luck. The man knew how to use it.
"The portal's only three and fourteen seventy-ninths of a mile thataway," he called out, pointing.
Cool. Not only did they still use our language, but they used our units of measure, also. Interesting. And the gate was only three and whatever seventy-ninths of a mile away. Even better.
And so we began the walk to our ticket off this dimension. After waking Agent 003 Feet, of course, who had still been down and out.
*TIME LAPSE*
And so we ended the walk to our ticket off this dimension. Here was the portal in all its glory. It looked like a simple archway. Except you couldn't see through it. All that was visible was a creepy, shifting vortex. Weird.
"I assume that you can figure this out for yourself. Or at least from our example. How to use it, I mean. Not how it works. Just step through the gate and you will be instantly transported to wherever it has been set up in the alternate dimension. So. We shall go first, and you shall follow us, hmm? I shall be there to greet you on the other side," the spokesperson told us. With that, he stepped into the swirling wall of...whatever it was.
The sight was strange. You couldn't see the parts of him that had already passed through. But it was fast. He was gone. The rest of the group followed suit. Soon, we three were left alone. I looked at Austie. He seemed to have taken charge in this situation and with the absence of Owen.
"I guess we have to chance it," he said. "There's no other choice, really. You go first. Agent 003 Feet can follow you, and I'll take up the rear. Okay with you?"
I heard myself mumble that it was fine. To tell the truth, I was kind of frightened to do this. I wasn't sure I trusted this technology. Where would it take me? And what would this trip be like? Only one way to find out, I thought grimly. Without a word, without looking back, I stepped through the archway.
Salvaging for Salvation - v15.0
We were stuck. Other than wandering around aimlessly in search of a passage, there was no avenue of escape. Nothing. The situation was hopeless. I closed my eyes and dropped to my knees. I remained in that position for a bit, until I finally glanced upward and saw everyone staring at me. Quickly, I stood up and brushed off my pants. Yeesh. Some people just don't have any sense of drama. Their loss, I suppose. But back to the matter at hand. These were bad circumstances. I was ready to give up. Yet I couldn't. I didn't possess the strength to leave everyone I'd known behind. Well, aside from Austie and Agent 003 Feet, since they were here with me. Plus, dying wasn't all that high up on my agenda. Especially in another dimension. On the other hand, what could we possibly do? Was there some hint as to the whereabouts of this portal? Something I'd missed? Right now, I'd have settled for anything that could even vaguely be considered a clue. But I didn't think so. There were no leads. We had come to a dead end in our quest. Waves of discouragement washed through my mind. I sat down and looked around. Agent 003 Feet was still unconscious. Austie seemed to be deep in thought. The people from this world were trudging around gloomily. Except for the one we had talked to. He was kneeling, his gaze fixed on the ground. Had he fallen into a spell of despair, as I had? No. His eyes scanned over the pieces of the golden lion tamarin monkey we'd caused the destruction of. Suddenly, I saw his eyes light up. He bent down and picked something up. It looked to be about a three-inch cube. What was it? The man gave a shout, the first exclamation of joy that I had heard in a long while. At once, I understood what the protagonists in books meant when they described things as the sweetest sounds they had ever heard. It was an expression of hope. Maybe we weren't done after all.
Lost - v14.0
They looked down. Their faces turned pale. A chill ran through my body, also. I just sort of had the feeling that this wasn't good. Unfortunately, I turned out to be right.
"This isn't good," the speaker for the party whispered. "We could never find it now. We'll never get away..."
"Hold it! What is this portal that you keep referring to?" Even though the situation was looking grim, Austie insisted in having the answers he sought.
"The dimensional gate. So we could all evacuate."
Austie looked incredulous. I felt that way, too. I didn't know that they existed. Actually, I still wasn't sure that I believed this guy. But after all I'd seen in my life, it was just possible. Like Owren's teleportation powers. Maybe this place was some kind of future Earth. That'd explain it.
"Um...tell me, what does this dimensional gate look like?"
"I don't really know. That does it! We're doomed! Doomed to be wayward travelers forever...or at least until we die of hunger or thirst..."
Oh, great. How does this always happen? Suddenly, I kind of wished Owen was here. He'd probably have some kind of idea of what to do. But he wasn't. And if this was the future, and he'd lost the fight, then he was no longer even alive, probably. So no chance of any evil inspiration. But Austie had some ideas of his own.
"Wait. We're not done yet. Remember how we got here!? Maybe Owren sent us here from that portal! And we fell from the air..."
Everyone looked up. There was nothing there. So much for that theory.
Austie gave a breath. "Okay, then, we're definitely lost."
We Discover That Our Guide Has Gone Kablooey - v13.0
Whoa. That was new. I didn't like it. How could Earth be dead? Where were we?
Austie seemed to be pretty shaken, too. "W-what? What happened?"
I knew what he was thinking. We weren't on the same planet we had been before Owren sent us away. What was going on here?
But the person didn't seem to want to talk now. They did seem pretty, well, exhausted. Despite that, they seemed to possess immense willpower. Hadn't they said they had been walking for days? It was too much! my head was spinning. There were too many questions to be asked. Of course, Austie got to the important ones.
"Where were you going? Did you say something about a portal?"
"Yes...well, if you don't know where it is, have you seen the monkey anywhere? It's supposed to find and guide anyone lost."
"Monkey!? You mean that one that attacked us?"
"Attacked you? It wouldn't have attacked you...it was programmed to find you and take you to the portal. So have you seen it?"
Austie bit his lip. "Um...you might want to look down."
Lifeless Planet - v12.0
They wore strange clothing and unfashionable hats. They carried ridiculously large trunks on their backs, hinting at amazing strength. But they were undeniably human. And I was undeniably relieved. It was a party of twenty or so, all heading in the same direction, towards us, and all with the same determined expression on their faces. They saw Austie and Agent 003 Feet and me, and trudged over.
"What are you doing here?" one of them asked. Their voice seemed faint and it cracked as they spoke. "I thought we were the last ones..."
The last ones? The last ones for what? I didn't get it.
"What do you mean by the last ones?" Austie questioned.
"On the planet, you fool! We got lost...we've been walking for days. Is the portal near?"
"Wait, what!? The last ones on the planet? There's no one else here?" Austie exclaimed.
"Yes...where's the portal?"
"What do you mean by all this? What portal? And what about that? Where's everyone else? What's wrong here? What happened to Earth!?"
"Well, it seems impossible that you don't know, kid, but the Earth is dead."
An Unnatural Forest - v11.0
Austie was the first to react. He sprung up with incredible swiftness and motioned for us to be silent. I looked around. Agent 003 Feet and I were lying on the ground. I was pretty much out of what was happening right now. Agent 003 Feet was just out. I racked my brains. Oh yes, Owren. Back at the jail. But where were we now? And what to do? At the moment, Austie seemed to be concentrating on something. What was that, I wondered? What could it be? I still wasn't even sure where we were. Seemed sort of like a forest, but...different, somehow. Fake. That's it! It was like everything was fake. Everything looked to be solid and...shiny, almost. Not living. But yes, there were trees! And other stuff, bushes and dirt and...bugs. Though they looked mechanical...what was going on here!? I glanced at Austie. He was still silent, unmoving. As if he was waiting for something to happen. Strange. I was almost ready to dismiss it, when things did. A reddish-orange blur flew out of a tree, straight at Austie. But he was ready. Austie leaped out of the way and turned around to face the animal. But it didn't matter. The monkey hit the ground and exploded. I'm serious, it blew into thousands of little pieces. It really was only an imitation. A robot, I guess I'd say. I looked around again. Nothing else seemed to be coming at us from above, now. Safe? I didn't think so. After we shook Agent 003 Feet back to consciousness, we decided to move. Try to get out of this place. Get back to the jail, beat Owren. Still, we didn't know where we were. And we didn't understand this mechanical forest. But we couldn't get the answers we needed here. Somewhere else, maybe. And it was then, after we reached that conclusion, that the people arrived.
Coming next time: "A Dying World - v12.0"!
Jailbreak - v10.0
I didn't get it. Why would Owen send Agent 003 Feet to jail if we were just going to break him out anyway? I guess you just can't fathom the mind of an evil genius.
"So, which prison is he in, anyway?"
Owen grinned. "It's a stockade for the criminally short."
"Great...how many other prisoners are there? What kind of jail are we dealing with?"
"There's no one else short enough. So, just one prisoner. But the security's pretty good, I believe. Enough talking! Let's go!"
And we were off, into the day. I don't know why we're breaking him out in day. Don't jailbreaks usually happen at night? Anyway, it was time to go.
At the Stockade for the Criminally Short, Agent 003 Feet sat in his cell and plotted. He thought and thought. There was only one thing that he knew. The security at this prison sucked. Maybe everyone just underestimates short people, he thought. He knew that'd work in his favor. He had to get out. The sentence was for life, anyway, but maybe he could clear his name. Or do something. Agent 003 Feet had observed many things about the inner workings of this place. First of all, the prison was tiny. It was like five different rooms. The visitor's entrance. An office. Two other cells. And Agent 003 Feet's cell. There were no other prisoners. It'd be easy. First, to get out of the cell...
We'd arrived at the jail that Agent 003 Feet was being held in. I looked at it. It was miniscule. It was smaller than Agent 003 Feet's house. I wondered about that.
"So, what's the security around this place?" I asked to Owen.
"Hmm...well, there's video surveillance for every room. And there's two guards. That's pretty much it. Oh yeah, and the doors are all locked, unless you know the combination."
"It's a combination lock? This place is pathetic," I said. "Still, the cameras could be a problem, right?"
"No. There's no one monitoring them. So there's pretty much no point to them. The people here are new at this. I'm pretty sure that one of the guards is blind."
"Oh, wow..."
"So, all we gotta do is find out the combination and take out one of the guards. Good?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever."
The combination lock was two numbers. What the heck is the point in that? There's only a hundred possible numbers it could be. Time to start with the basics. 00, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07...there was no need to continue. It was 07. This is kind of sad, I thought...
In no time, we were in Agent 003 Feet's cell. All the combinations were the same, and we didn't even run into any guards. How's that for tight security? We walked in. Agent 003 Feet was pacing around the area. We stopped him.
"Come on, it's time to go," I said. "We're getting you out of here."
And then the door slammed shut. The lights went. And we were trapped...
Not. Owen was playing a joke on us. He opened the door and Agent 003 Feet and I strolled out. But it was when we were exiting by the front door that things all went wrong. We found that we were surrounded by guards with some kind of projectile weapon. As they fired and I was falling unconscious, my last thought was that it had better be nothing more than a tranquilizer.
We were lucky. It was just a tranquilizer. But we were all in a new cell. It seemed to be bigger and better. There was more room. There were no windows. Also, it just seemed to suit the picture of a solid prison. I looked to Owen.
"So, where are we now?" I questioned.
"I dunno. This wasn't part of the plan..."
Yeah, I'd say it wasn't. We came to rescue someone. Now we all need to be rescued. How's that for a successful jailbreak? But I knew Owen'd have a plan...hopefully...
"I have a plan," Owen announced. "Agent 003 Feet? Go stand by the door."
"THERE WILL BE NO STANDING BY THE DOOR," a loud voice boomed. I jumped. Where had it come from? I looked up. There was a loudspeaker system set in place. And a camera. Great. Now what? They had video and audio surveillance. And someone was actually monitoring us here. I don't think we were in that stockade for the criminally short any more. We'd been moved. So what to do? Owen was taking out something. It was a...weed hacking tool. How on earth had he managed to get that past everyone? Wasn't this supposed to be a high-security confinement center? Not that I cared.
"What are you going to do with that?" I wondered aloud.
"Bust through the door." he said, holding the tool like a battering ram. "Three...two...one..."
The door burst open. A burly guard stood there.
"I'm here to take away the weapon. Hand it over, 217," he rumbled.
"Come and get it," Owen taunted.
The guard's expression was one of rage. He started in...and tripped over Agent 003 Feet. The lower spy had manuevered over with his tiny frame in front of the unsuspecting guard! I was betting it was all part of Owen's plan...the evil mastermind in question, seeing the guard fall, had rushed over and knocked him out with the mallet. I didn't know how he'd gotten all these deadly weapons in here...
"Tie him up, Agent 003 Feet. I'll check out the corridor out here."
While Agent 003 Feet scrambled to follow his orders, Owen took one step out into the hallway...and pulled it back.
"They've got cameras here, too. They've got everything! Let's go!" he exclaimed. Leaving the guard bound in the cell, we all sprinted down the hallway. At the end of it, we had to wait for Agent 003 Feet to catch up. There was a door. It wasn't a combination lock, either. We couldn't see any lock, actually. But it was definitely locked. What now?
"The door's fake!" Owen proclaimed. "We ran the wrong way."
Spinning around, I saw that the situation was bad. Three more guards were hurrying down the hallway toward us, carrying more tranquilizer guns. At least I was hoping they were tranquilizer guns.
"Take out the cameras!" Owen yelled to Agent 003 Feet. "I'll get the guards."
"Got it." Agent 003 Feet said. He pulled out a slingshot, launching small rocks through the equipment. How could they possibly have gotten that in here!? We'd been searched. I was the only one with nothing. Meanwhile, Owen was flashing his mallet around.
"The one with the mallet is the one with the power," Owen said, "and you guys know it. Let us go."
They laid down their weapons and walked away. Go figure. But I could understand that, sort of. The mallet was the dominating force in the world, I guess. Anyway. We dashed down the hallway. The other way. Wait a minute. This door was fake, too! What!? Owen pointed upward. There was a giant chimney-type thing there. It led upward. That was where they had come from. But we couldn't get up there. So now what? And where had the guards gone? They hadn't used this chimney. Back into the cell!? What was going on here? We scampered back in. There was no one there. But Owen examined it closely...
"The wall's fake," he proclaimed. There's a door here. But we can't get through it. It opens from the outside. So...Agent 003 Feet, take out that camera while I think."
Agent 003 pulled out his slingshot and soon the deed was done. As soon as it was, Owen swept his cape over himself. We couldn't see what was happening underneath it. But in a minute, the door had opened. Yet another guard walked in. I tensed myself. Was another fight about to break out?
"No," Owen said. "Austie's here. It's time to get out."
Ah. Austie'd disguised himself!? That was a new one. He led us out. There was only one room, and I could see sunlight beyond it. We were nearly there! And then another one dropped from another chimney. He unfolded his cape. And, with a pang of surprise, I realized that I recognized him. It was Owren. From Furonia. What was he doing here!? I remembered. We'd barely defeated him then. Not now. Without anything to help us. Uh oh. I remembered. He'd had incredible powers...even Owen didn't. He was an enemy of the weed hackers. In that moment, I was pretty sure we were all doomed.
The battle began. He fought the same way as before. But I remembered something else. How it'd gone last time...oh. He only wanted Owen. To him, we were all meaningless...and what had happened? And then the world around me flashed blue. Agent 003 Feet, Austie, and I all tumbled out of a hole in space. Teleported away. But I knew Owen was still locked in a clash with Owren. We were all away from jail. But we had to go back.
A Load of Presumption - v9.0
Owen sighed and sat down in his judge's seat. He motioned for me to sit down. I looked. There was nothing for me to sit on, not including the floor. No way was I falling for that one. So I continued to stand. Owen took out his mallet. I decided that sitting on the floor might be the best option. So I sat on the floor. Except I couldn't see Owen now, so I don't know what he was doing. That might be a bad thing, but I couldn't do anything about it. The one with the mallet is the one with the power, I say. Anyway, it was time to get some answers.
"So?" I asked. "What have you got to say about this?"
"The Great Lightbulb of Tallinn? Well, let me answer your questions, then. First, how I know it exists. I don't. Not for sure, anyway. Happy?"
"What? Are you joking me? My sentence is to change some stupid lightbulb that you don't even know for sure is real?"
"Well, that's just 'cause I'm not sure of anything. I think it's an actual thing, though. Ah, someone told me, long ago. It was for their report on Estonia. They'd stumbled upon it in their research."
"Who was this?"
"I can't tell you that. But I trusted them, then," Owen said. "Anyway, for your second question. What is it? Well, this is no ordinary lightbulb. It's supposedly the largest ever created. Grand, even. Oh, yes, and it's surrounded by magma. Notice that I said magma, not lava, because-"
"Don't tell me. It's below Earth's crust..." I groaned. Another impossibly hard quest.
"Precisely. That's where it is. Below Estonia. And that's why no one's ever changed it. Have you ever tried traveling through magma?"
"No, I haven't, actually, beccause I value my life!" I shouted.
"And, lastly, the part of 521 years. I'm not quite sure on this one, but I have a theory. And my theories are usually correct."
"Sure they are..." I was appalled. I was going on some random adventure that could endanger my life, just because of Owen's hunches?
"Yes. They are. Anyway, my explanation is this. The lightbulb in question? It's from the future. I assume you are familiar with the concept of time travel? Everyone's thought about it at one point. A fantastic idea. Going between different points in time. I suppose that we are all time travelers in our own way, moving towards our future. And there's theories on it, too. The theory of relativity? It's arguably possible to travel into the future, correct? But with this concept of time travel comes the inevitable paradox. Suppose you could go back in time. Suppose you killed your grandfather. Do you eliminate your own existence? How is that possible? Anyway, the paradoxes aren't really important. We don't care how they accomplished it, just that they did. I believe...I believe that the people of the future have found a way of moving through the fourth dimension. I'm not sure. Not quite sure, yet. Like anything else. But it is my belief that they sent this great lightbulb back in that place. When it had eroded and the lava had cooled. The landscape of the future would be different, aye?"
I was silent for a minute. Then I began to laugh. This was completely ridiculous.
"I know, it's completely ridiculous, right? But true, I think, and you have to trust me. Anyway, I'll be coming on this expedition to change it, also. I have some ideas of my own on how to accomplish this. Don't worry about the planning. An evil mastermind always has a plan. Leave that to me. You're just the labor. You do whatever I tell you. It'll be easy, got that? Easy."
I couldn't believe this. No way was I going to put all my faith into this guy. This could be a trap. It could be-
Owen banged the mallet on the table. I inwardly sighed. I suddenly knew I'd have to do whatever he said. As long as Owen has the mallet, he has the power. Great. I've got to go change some possibly nonexistent lightbulb. Great.
"Of course, I've already enlisted Austie on this. Like, telepathically. Cool, right? Now we just need to get Agent 003 Feet."
"You sent him to jail," I said. "So now what?"
"We break him out, of course."
The Great Lightbulb of Tallinn - v8.0
There it was. What I have to do now. It's pretty bad, I know...wait...what? Did Owen just say to change a lightbulb? He can't be serious.
"I know what you're thinking, and I'm completely serious," Owen said. "Changing a lightbulb doesn't seem like much, but it can be one of the most difficult, laborious tasks ever thought up. Why do you think that there's all those expressions and jokes about how many people it takes to change a lightbulb?"
"That's the thing!" I cried. "They're just that. Jokes. Although don't worry about it, I'll complete my sentence. So, will any lightbulb do?"
Owen glanced at me. "No. That's the point. It can't be just any lightbulb. This is the one that caused all those 'jokes' that I was talking about. The big one. The lightbulb most difficult to change."
"Which one would that be?"
"The Great Lightbulb of Tallinn. Tell me, have you heard of the city of Tallinn? I'm guessing no. It's not a well-known place. Ah, for people who live here, in California, anyway. Unless you're a geography freak or something, but there aren't a lot of those people around any more. Tallinn is the largest city in the country of Estonia. Do you know where that is?"
"Europe," I ventured, having heard of it before.
"Correct. And the lightbulb is somewhere in that city. Your sentence? To locate the Great Lightbulb and change it. It went out about 500 years ago, if I recall correctly."
"You weren't alive 500 years ago. You're like thirteen years old."
"Still, I have a long memory. Yeah, about 521 years or so. Anyway, you need to change it. Got it? Good. Now get out. I need to try some short kid who goes by the name of Agent 003 Feet now."
I was hustled out of the court room in shock. Estonia? How was I gonna get there? Sure, when I was an ant, I'd traveled across the world, eventually ending up off the coast of Japan on an undiscovered island of Furonia, but I had been with lots of allies then, and less responsibility. It would be a lot harder now. What to do? Just then, I saw Austie, over on the bench across the hallway. Hurrying over, I asked him what had happened in his trial.
"I got off," he said. "Did you have Owen as a judge?"
"Yeah...and I now have to change the Great Lightbulb of Tallinn. Something like that."
"What? That's ridiculous. What's a Tallinn, anyway?" Austie asked.
"I'd never heard of it either..."
And then the court door opened again and Agent 003 Feet walked out, fuming.
"That was a completely unfair, biased trial!" he grumbled. "Owen was the judge. He's all prejudiced against short people. He barely even listened to anything I tried to say. He just gave some random explanation of how I somehow caused the test to go on a rampage. It had something to do with my height provoking it and making it insane or whatever. And then, my sentence? He gave me a choice, going to jail or going to the slammer."
"What's that?"
"Jail. So, obviously, I have to go to jail. And he didn't even say 'till when. Just until I get taller, I think it might have been."
"Well, I'll ask him. You might be able to help me change the Great Lightbulb of Tallinn, which I know nothing about. I have no idea how I'm going to do it."
And so I stormed back into the court room, where Owen was opening and closing his suitcase in a dreamy fashion. There was nothing in it. He looked at me, asking what I wanted.
"I want to know how the heck I'm supposed to change that lightbulb! I've never heard of it. How do you even know it exists? What is it? Why hasn't anyone just changed it in 521 years? Hey! They didn't even HAVE lightbulbs 521 years ago. What's with this? I want an explanation, now!"
Sentenced - v7.0
"Guilty?" I screamed. "How can you possibly find me guilty of such a ridiculous crime!? Why would you think that I chewed up the French room? I mean, come on!"
Owen peered over his spectacles that he probably doesn't need for any particular reason. "I don't," he said. "This is what I believe happened. A hungry French test went around and killed the room. It's the only logical conclusion. But who cares about that? I'm talking about playing golf in the rain. You're guilty. Don't say anything. You admitted to the crime."
"I was joking! And that's not even the case here! We're supposed to be talking about the French room that was trashed!"
"Well, I don't care about that. I was there. Why do we need to judge things that I already know what happened? Anyway, Shun-Ho told me about you golfing in the rain. You're 104.5% guilty."
"Shun-Ho doesn't even know anything! He's never actually shown himself to be intelligent at all! Remember the talk show he used to have? He just made a bunch of stuff up, insulted you a lot, and told you never to say the word 'pineapple'!" I shouted.
"Who cares? He has a beard. All people with beards are wise. And all people named Tony Sun are guilty of playing golf in the rain. Therefore, I give you your sentence. And though you are young, your crime was vile. Therefore, your sentence must be fitting, I say. You are to change a lightbulb."
Court Proceedings and the Sequitur - v6.0
So, let me tell you about this juvenile court. It's been a mess. After we were arrested and detained in a detention facility for questioning and trial, we were supposed to be sent to the pro per pre trial. Well, the name's something like that, anyway. So, we, the minors who SUPPOSEDLY committed the crime, and a guardian would attend this. Except they couldn't get to our parents because of some vicious bunny guarding them, I think, so they decided to just skip this step after that bunny landed fifteen officers in the hospital. I'm not sure why our families need protection...that'll come clear after court, I sure hope. I hate mysteries. Sure, I've been called "Sherlock Tony" in the past, but I gotta say, it was kind of a joke. I've never solved anything in my life. Not even the daily chess puzzle in the news. Probably 'cause I've never even looked at the daily chess puzzle in the news. Come to think of it, how do I even know that there is a daily chess puzzle in the news!? It's killing me! Why are there so many mysteries these days? Not like the 1960's...okay, not really. Anyway, it's time for court. After the pro per pre trial that never happened, we went to a settlement conference. I'm not really sure what happened there. Nothing much. So. Following that comes the actual trial that I'm in right now. Did you know that minors apparently don't even have the right to a jury trial!? Although I'm not sure that even helps me...so, well, there's a judge. Owen. He was supposed to be my lawyer, but apparently he betrayed me. Unfortunately, if I yell "Benedict Arnold" in his face, he'll probably sentence me to something bad. Like having to teach a butterfly to cook roast beef or whatnot. Sounds like something he'd do. So, he's asking me questions now. I don't even have an attorney. I'm one dead Tony. "Hello. What's your name?" Owen asks me. I answer, telling him it's King Kong. He nods slowly, taking a note.
"How are you today, King Kong?"
"Pretty bad, actually. I'm stuck in court for some crime I didn't commit."
"So you're claiming that you never committed this crime?"
"That's what I just said."
"What did you just say?"
"What do you mean?"
"I dunno, what did you just say? Sorry, I'm getting kind of old. My ears are failing me..."
"You're school age! You're the same age as me! How can you possibly be feeling old? How are you even a judge, by the way?"
"I dunno, what did you just say?"
Great. I'm stuck with a deaf judge who I know. I thought you're not supposed to have judges who know you. I wonder what he did to get to be my judge...
So, in the end. After Owen asked me all these stupid questions (like "how is your cat feeling today?" or "have you ever played golf in the rain?" or "what is the capital of Eritrea?") he told me to close my eyes and count to ten. I did. Nothing happened. He told me to do it again. When I opened my eyes, he told me that I looked silly closing my eyes and opening them. "What kind of judge are you!?" I yelled.
"One that judges you. And I'm ready to. Just give me a moment. The spirits are telling me whether you're innocent or guilty. Actually, one spirit in particular. Shun-Ho. He knows all. Still...be quiet for a moment..."
I decide to just be quiet and wait.
"Got it! I pronounce you..."
This is it. The big moment. It's so suspenseful. I can barely wait. I'm quivering in anticipation. I'm sweating down to my shoes. I'm...running out of words to describe my apprehension. Hurry up!
"Guilty."
Preparing to Face the Music - v5.0
I'm in tribunal. Well, juvenile court, anyway. We're minors. But this is ridiculous. Do they think that I somehow chewed up the French room? Do my friends and I eat furniture now? Are we a new, evolved type of human being? Well, maybe Richard is. Although that might actually be a case of regression. Anyway, back to the court. I'm being sent here for my homework's crimes. I tried to tell everyone, but for some strange reason no one seemed to believe that my French test had suddenly come alive and gone on a rampage, before we managed to subdue it with a vicious bunny. Go figure. There's no way that it's gonna get away with this. My lawyer won't let it. Come to mention it, where is my lawyer, anyway? I look around. I look around again. I get Agent 003 Feet to look around for me in case he is below my eyesight. No sign of Owen. Hey, wait...uh oh.
Owen's the judge who is going to judge me. Oh boy.
The True Meaning of Mortal Combat - v4.0
Sparks and fur flew as the test and the bunny collided and engaged in the most intense fight that I have ever seen. No words can describe the battle that was being fought. I won't even try. Needless to say, it was close. Very close. But, in the end, the bunny won. It ripped the test into pieces with its killer teeth. It's done the same to my hair many times. With that over, the bunny stood up on its hind feet, bowed, and left the room in a dignified manner. I surveyed the damage. There was scraps of stuff all over the floor...and I think that used to be my desk...everything was chewed, basically. I mean EVERYTHING. The cabinet, the books, the ceiling...everything. As I already said. With a sigh, I knew that was in big trouble. I began to prepare for my defense. First step. Hire an attorney. Easy. I got Owen, the evil mastermind. He and the others, incidentally, were cluttered around the room, shocked from the battle. I am too. But that would have to end, as I heard a banging noise. It was time to face the court. Yeah. My French teacher had arrived.
The Appearance of the Bunny of Doom - v3.0
Shoot. Where was Thomas? I'd searched the library, the blacktop, the science room, the gas station...everywhere. And no sign of him. War was being waged in the French room, and here I was, being of no help. Gritting my teeth, I resumed my search, to no avail. I was just about to give up and return, when I spotted Thomas heading into the IRS headquarters. Grimacing, I gave chase, following him into a room saying "staff only." With a sigh, I opened the door and strolled in, ready to start screaming, when I noticed something. There were about twenty workers, holding coffee cups, and no sign of Thomas. What!? Hey. Scratch that. The coffee cup -holding employees were staring at me...and was that anger I spotted on their faces? Uh oh. Screaming, I ran out of the building, just about to dejectedly decide to quit trying to get Thomas, when he parachuted down right in front of me. Sometimes, he just doesn't make any sense. But enough of that. I didn't care how, but here he was. I grabbed him to make sure he didn't for some reason run off, and yelled that we had to go. I started running, pulling Thomas along behind me. He shook me off, asking what this was all about. "What is this all about? WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT!? THE FRENCH ROOM'S GETTING RANSACKED BY AN EVIL TEST, THAT'S WHAT! COME ON!" I screamed in a panic, grasping him again. He shook me off again. "Well, we could get there faster with my bunny's new rocket skateboard. After you," he said, pulling a giant skateboard out of his pocket. Not getting this, I jumped on. He sat down behind me. And with no warning, the thing took off. It was horrible. The wind was pelting my face and I could have sworn we went at like 100 miles an hour. I could vaguely hear Thomas laughing behind me. Next time, I'm calling the back...and then we were there, crashing through the window. No matter, at least we had arrived. And just in time. Agent 003 Feet had somehow been knocked out by the test, Austie was still running around the room, and Owen was sobbing over his ruined weed hacking tool. But our savior had arrived on the scene. Thomas, seeing the test moving around, eating the sink, knew why he'd been brought here. For his bunny. And so, with a yell, he threw his bunny at the test for the battle of the century.
A Plan - v2.0
With a crash, my voracious exam hit the lights. As my (slightly fatter) test dropped to the floor, they popped and went out. And then, my stupid French quiz turned its sights to me. I groaned and started forward, ready to take out my grade...and was brushed aside as Owen rushed forward with a tool that I think is supposed to be used for weed hacking. He swung it, trapping the paper to the floor, but my ravenous test only chewed through the end, escaping. It leaped at Austie, but he was already gone, running through the classroom in hope of finding something to use on this monstrosity. Snarling, my evil French assessment charged at Agent 003 Feet, who tried to run, but tripped over his little legs and fell. My test descended upon him...and was knocked aside as Owen pulled out a watering can and threw it. This was probably a mistake. Soaked, the test was now increasingly enraged, and we were going to have an even harder time with it. Suddenly, I realized that there was nothing we could do. My test could eat anything we threw at it, and we had nothing else. Desperate, I looked to Owen for help. After all, wasn't he the evil genius who was supposed to have a plan for everything? Yeah. Glancing back at me, he shouted, "Your final is...the most worthy opponent I have ever faced. In my career as an evil guy, there's been lots. For one, the ice cream man..." I groaned. We didn't need Owen's reminiscing at this moment. "I don't care about the dumb ice cream man!" I yelled. "Just what do you have in mind?" Owen, dodging the carnivorous test, shouted, "Find Thomas! It's time to fight fire with fire." These words reverberated in my ears as I rushed away from the scene of battle, in search of the best chance we had.
posted by evil king of the world at 10:38 pm 0 comments
labels: to change a lightbulb
friday, december 4, 2009 A Slight Problem - v1.0
Hey, I'm back. What's up? The sky? ...er, yeah, I'm hilarious, I know. No need to laugh. Anyway, I'm back in school, taking this stupid French test. I mean, c'mon, this is unfair! I missed the whole school year because I was off dodging shoes and being chased by lizards and all your usual Tony stuff. All I know is one, two, three, four, five, and alligator. Because Owen, who claims that he's an expert at this, told me. Over off to the right, I see Adam Z. sitting there, his paper on the floor, as he strains to look at the vocabulary list for Chapter 13. Behind me, I hear Agent 003 Feet, the shortest kid in the school, muttering to himself. Doesn't sound much like French to me, but hey, what do I know? I have eighty-six absences total, and a criminal record to show for it. I knew those weed hacking meetings were a bad idea! "Five minutes," my teacher, Mrs. Grewal, calls out. Five minutes!? All I've done is translate the numbers by the questions we have to answer. Somehow, I doubt I'm going to get full credit for those. Maybe I could put up argument for that, somehow. So, I answer every question "alligator" and pray. No, I'm serious, I pray, and I'm not even religious. But I can hope. Just as I mark the final r for the last problem, the teacher orders everyone to pass in their tests. I groan with everyone else. But I have reason to. I'm pretty sure I just got a 3. At the most. With that, the bell rings, and we all crash out through that pitiful little space that the door opens to reveal. If Agent 003 Feet were standing in front of this bunch, he'd get trampled. But he's not standing out in front. He's next to me, being short. After the crowd passes, we cautiously step outside, then break into a run. We crash right into Austie and Owen coming out of the Spanish room. "How was the test?" they ask. "Uh, fantastic," I reply. "I think I got a 3." They suddenly halt. I trip and fall in my haste to stop, and land in the bush. "What? I was absent for half the school year, you know," I complain. "As you very well know." Owen glances at me, and slowly points to the window. The inside is empty. "So what? A window?" I groan. He shakes his head and points again. This time I notice. My test is eating the stapler. I barely feel a sense of surprise. My experiences have changed that in me. Without further ado, we rush inside, just as the thing leaps for the lights.
The Sequel: To Change A Lightbulb.