Alice Unarmed: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 1
I knew I shouldn't have smoked those funny-looking hand-rolled smokes I stole from the administrator's office. I fell asleep in my room with the door left open. What a mistake! I woke up with one of the superintendant's nephews on top of me pulling my clothes off. Bloody fat disgusting bloke. I kicked him off, but he seemed to have lost interest having seen me in just underclothes.
"Good Lord! Bitch, do you ever eat? You'd be quite a dish if you had any meat on you anywhere, but who wants to bag a sack of bones?"
Off he tromped. Good! Those smokes had made me woozy in the head, and I fell asleep again only to find myself hurtling down a familiar vertical tunnel. The landing sure wasn't the same, though.
A condom dump. All unused and still in the original packaging. Hallelujah! I'd hit the jackpot. Finally a way to have sex without having to worry about ending up prego. I realized that I might not end up a twenty-year-old virgin after all. My twentieth birthday was in four months. Four months to get properly laid. Not raped, I hoped.
No cat to greet me. I stuffed my apron pockets full of condoms and went in search of anyone in the Gnome Village that I knew to be just down the road. Not a gnome in sight. I wandered past the Gnome Village Mayor's office and marveled at how empty the place was. Out the doorway opposite the mushroom shop two card guards came charging at me shouting, "Search her for contraband!"
Contraband? What? I didn't hang around for the card guards to catch me and ran back toward the chasm with a creekbed full of green, nasty, slimy water flowing through it. There was an air geyser in the center of the creekbed with enough lift to let me float over on my wire-rod fitted dress. I jumped and the two idiot card guards jumped also thinking they would float just like me. Straight down into the slime they went. I sure enjoyed taunting them from the bank while they dissolved.
"Awwww! Guardies fall down?"