Spike's Series of Unfortunate Events II:

Whoof!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Blah Blah Blah Joss Whedon

I had been at Willy's the whole night. I was, well plastered. I stood in the alley behind the bar staring up at the building before me. I was totally smashed. Are you beginning to see a pattern here? I am, anyway. Suddenly the building looked really tall. I'm still not sure exactly what happened. I just know I was standing there, and then I either shrank or the building got really tall.

I started to walk away only to notice that I was no longer walking on two legs but rather four. I looked down slowly dreading what I might see. What I saw caught me totally off guard. I thought to myself, since when did my hands get so hairy. Then it rang into my drunken mind. Bloody hell! I'm a soddin' dog. My buzz started to go away; I was sobering up, and getting a headache.

I stood there in the alleyway looking at my paws for what seemed to be hours. Then once it had registered in my mind what exactly had happened I started to run as fast as I could. I rounded the corner of the alley to the street heading for my crypt when I was abruptly stopped. I fell to my wee little puppy bum with a sharp "Arf!". Arf? Since when do I say Arf?

"Aw, isn't he so cute." Willow cooed as I started to back away whimpering a little. Bloody hell this was the last thing I needed at that particular moment. Me, cute? I'm not cute. Cute, just isn't me.

"Yea, he's a pretty good lookin' dog." Xander said as I started to growl. Apparently it came out as a playful growl to the boy's ears cause he quickly picked me up and I began to try to bite his arms off.

"Aw, he wants to play." Anya said as I bit down hard on Xander's arm. Xander let out a slight yelp complaining about my needle teeth. How could they be so clueless? I was growling and snarling and biting, but to them it was cute. Cute? Ggggrrrr! I'm not cute. Oh yea, covered that already.

So yea, they stood there on the sidewalk toying with me while I tried in vain to get away. Xander and Anya then decided that a puppy would be a nice addition to their new apartment. There was nothing I could do, not a bloody thing. I was being taken back to the whelp's apartment as a puppy prisoner. Willow walked with them till they had to part ways then I was stuck with Xander. I couldn't help but curse myself. I bet the spell was in the beer, if indeed it was a spell. It's the only thing I can think of that I had done differently that night. Usually I drink a nice brew like Killian's, tonight I had had the Guinness Extra Stout. I really can't understand why I had been turned into a puppy. Must be karma.

Any who. To make things worse, oh yes it gets much worse, Anya wanted the puppy to stay in their bedroom and sleep at the foot of the bed. So the couple was conversing about that option. As soon as my padded paws hit carpet in the living room I began to run around trying to find a place to hide. Anya and Xander continued to argue about the prospect of their new puppy sleeping in their room. For once I wanted the whelp to win the argument.

Soon I had found a hiding place and they had ended their argument. They were now stalking after their new puppy, trying to find him. But, if there was one thing I had learned in being around the poof all those years it was how to hide, and hide well.

Or so I thought. I saw feet in front of me, and I recognized them as Anya's. I was as quiet as I could be. It didn't help; Anya bent over and saw me. I ran as she reached for me only to be caught up by Xander. I should have known better. Hiding under the bed, maybe not my brightest shining moment.

Xander held me in his arms as I growled, but he just smiled at me trying to pet me as I wiggled around. Finally I wiggled free and fell to the ground with a thump and another sharp 'Arf!'.

"We should name him Wiggles." Anya suggested as I scrambled around. Xander argued against the name, saying something about it wasn't masculine enough for their little fluffy black pup. I was starting to get tired of fighting this. I felt as though I needed to calm down and come up with an actual plan.

I was hit abruptly with the insatiable hunger for puppy chow. My stomach growled as I just sat in front of the couch. I started to whimper without realizing I was whimpering.

"Aw, Ahn honey, I bet he's hungry." Xander stopped to say as they both turned their attention to the bundle of fur in front of their sofa. Anya quickly agreed to go get some puppy chow and Xander had a seat on the opposite side of the sofa from where I'd managed to curl up. Lookin' back on it, I believe I was curled up trying to make myself even smaller, trying to pretend they didn't notice me.

While Anya went to the store, Xander sat there watchin' the telly. Occasionally, he glanced over and patted his leg as if he wanted me to come to him. I just laid there though, wondering what in the hell had just happened. I just went poof, and voila puppy. What the bleeding hell had happened.

Apparently I was still whimpering cause Xander glanced over at me again and spoke. 'It's okay boy, Anya's gone to get you some food.' He said it almost sympathetically. I let out a sigh, this couldn't be happening to me, of all the bleeding things to happen. I mean, turn me into bangers and mash I don't care, but a bloody dog. How humiliating.

As luck would have it, my depression was coming off as homesickness to the whelp though because he moved to pet me. I wasn't paying attention to him, and before I knew it I was laying on his lap still whimpering. Xander tried to sooth me, but the thought was only making it worse. I wasn't a home sick lost little puppy. I was a master vampire with the worst luck in the soddin' world.

I hate to admit it, and I still think it was the bloody spell or whatever I was under, but after some time, the petting was becoming somewhat soothing and I started to fall asleep. The peace was short lived. Anya soon came home, and she was carrying more than puppy chow.