Have To Be Enough
by
Kelsey
Disclaimer: Not mine. Belong to JKR, and movie-people, and not me, all around.
Summary: At Harry's first birthday party, right before they go into hiding, Lily and James worry about his future.
Rating: PG
Something was wrong.
Lily Potter had known her husband for twelve years, and though she hadn't necessarily gotten along with him for many of those, she could read his moods. And the plastic smile that he had plastered on his face might be fooling the adoring grandparents, but it wasn't fooling her. Or Remus, apparently. The werewolf had been watching James concernedly all night.
She glanced over at Sirius, but his expression was happy and confident-- not telling her anything. Sirius Black was one hell of an actor, she already knew that.
It wasn't that James wasn't having fun. And the "plastic" smile on his face wasn't entirely fake-- it was just didn't seem entirely real, either. And though the climate of the wizarding world was growing more and more dark, they had lost no close friends recently, nor had there been any major attacks, and it was their son's first birthday. James should be happy.
Wishing she could go and speak to him right then, Lily instead wiped Harry's mouth for what seemed like the fortieth time, and then picked him up from his high chair. Sirius swept in and spelled the tray clean, and Lily smiled at him gratefully. He grinned back. "Looked like you had your hands full," he said in way of explanation, and with a swish of his wand, removed all the food from Harry's face, hair and clothes, then disappeared back into the party.
Having hoped she could pin Harry's care on his godfather while she cornered James, Lily sighed loudly and starting looking around for the next likely victim.
A chuckle sounded by her right shoulder. Spinning around, she came face to face with Remus, looking bemused. Silently, the werewolf held out his arms, and Lily gratefully placed a cooing Harry into them. "Thanks, Remus."
Remus, his eyes on Harry, spared a glance her way and nodded. "Sure. Going to try and get James out of that funk?"
She rolled her eyes and nodded back. "Yeah. Any idea what's with him?"
A cloud rolled across Remus' face. "Maybe." He didn't elaborate.
"Remus!" Lily put her hands on her hips. "What?!"
Chewing his lower lip thoughtfully for a second, Remus then shook his head slowly. "I think you'd better talk to him yourself."
Glowering briefly at the completely useless werewolf, Lily stalked away in search of her husband.
Finding him with her parents, Lily made polite small talk for a moment, and then dragged him away. James, a puzzled expression on his face, followed without complaint as she led him up the stairs and away from the mass of people celebrating Harry's birthday.
Upon reaching their room, Lily shoved him none-too-gently inside and then pulled the door firmly shut behind her. Even as James was turning to face her with confusion evident in his bearings, she'd already started to speak. "What is going on?"
Something seemed to deflate in James, but he kept up the ruse. "What do you mean?"
"What do you think I mean, James Potter? You, moping about, on our son's first birthday, that's what I mean!"
"I'm not moping," James protested hollowly.
"You bloody well are! Remus noticed it, too."
James laughed and rolled his eyes. "Remus notices everything."
"Like the fact that you're pouting and sulky," Lily said pointedly.
Heaving a sigh, James sat down on the edge of his bed and conceded defeat. "Yes, I suppose."
Her anger vanished by her concern, Lily sat down next to him. "What's wrong, James? It's Harry's birthday, we should be happy."
James forced a smile. "I am. It's just... this bloody world that we live in, Harry's not likely to see too many birthdays, and it's been getting to me."
Leaning over, Lily pulled him into a fierce hug. "Don't talk like that. Harry's going to see so many birthdays he won't remember what his name is." She paused and took his hand.
"And even if he weren't, we would just have to live. What else can we do?" Lily tucked James' head onto her shoulder and started stroking the messy black hair. "Just live, James. It's all we can do," she said softly.
They sat still and silent for a long moment as James clutched her. When he pulled away, his eyes were still sad, but shining a little brighter. "Ready to go back down?" She asked.
James nodded. "I forgot to ask. Who'd you leave Harry with?"
"Remus," Lily responded. "Don't worry, I didn't leave him unattended."
James shook his head. "I know you didn't. I was just wondering who we owe, now."
Lily grinned. Harry had been becoming a bit of a handful lately-- a positively cheery baby, still, like he'd always been, but wanting more and more to pull away from his elders. "Remus can handle him."
The messy, black-haired head nodded. "I know. I wish we could have named him Harry's godfather." He looked up and met Lily's eyes. "Don't get me wrong-- I love Padfoot with every bit of my heart and soul-- he's my brother in spirit, but he's going to be sixteen forever."
Ruefully, Lily laughed. "Too true." The silence wore on for a moment, and then she forcefully shook herself out of it. "Nothing we can do about it. We all know the Ministry's whacked about werewolves, but we can't change the law, at least not right now."
Sighing, James nodded slowly. "I know. I'm just worried... about what would happen to him if we were killed."
Though they'd stopped going on raids together once Lily had gotten pregnant, both of the Potters were far too devoted to stop helping the Order any way they could, and while they generally tried to keep out of anything where the curses were actively flying, it was certainly possible to be caught in those situations.
Longing to whisper useless claims of omnipotence and immortality in James' ear, Lily settled for leaning against his chest and murmuring the best that she could. "If we died, then Sirius would do his best, and Remus and Peter would help him. Harry has lots of people who love him. He'd be alright."
"Yeah, I know," James allowed. "But that's not all I'm worried about." He paused. "I'm worried about his safety, too."
Her face hardening, Lily pulled away from her husband's chest. "If it comes to that, then I will die to save him." Her tone was one of firm conviction, and living the lives that they did, James knew she had thought about it, probably repeatedly, and was fully prepared to make good on that promise.
"And I will, and so will Remus, and Sirius, and Peter," James added, his tone every bit as firm.
He sighed, feeling a little helpless. "We just have to hope it will be enough."
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