I was elated when they brought Shaman King to America. I was very happy when Shonen Jump did a decent job translating it. I was devastated when I found out they let 4Bakas (also known as 4Kids) dub it and put it on Saturday morning TV. To be fair, I honestly gave it a chance, watching a full 1.5 episodes, but it has traumatized me, and I don't need anymore stress. Therefore, I have since boycotted it, and have now decided to lodge a complaint in my own way.
Disclaimer: I own Hao; you can have everything and everyone else. *is mobbed by other Hao fangirls and then dragged away by the lawyers*
Tamao sighed, shutting the back door of the Asakura residence. She had come over to help with basic household work, but now felt more like staying a good distance away, at least until the coast was sufficiently clear. At least she had managed to finish most of her allotted work.
Anna, now sixteen and properly married to Yoh, was in her second trimester of pregnancy and more irritable than ever. Yoh's training had been quadrupled the past few days despite the fact that there were no more Shaman Fights and therefore nothing to train for. Even the household spirits were starting to murmur of vacating the place until the set nine months were over. The exception to this, of course, was Amidamaru, who remained stoically by his master's side.
A soft noise of footfalls in the garden made Tamao turn around. There, before her, stood Hao. Her hand flew automatically to her side as a battle defense reflex, but he raised his hand in a gesture of tentative amity, his face unusually grave. "I don't intend to do any harm here," he told her.
"Then why…?" she asked, backing away. With Anna-sama pregnant, perhaps he viewed this as a time of weakness….
"There is a greater threat on the horizon," he said quietly, "one we must unite against. It is poised to destroy all of us, and has already begun."
"What brilliant enemy could destroy all of us united?" she asked, not quite ready to believe the infamous Hao, especially since his words seemed to be so out of character.
"Not brilliant," he corrected her. "In fact, their lack of intelligence is the true danger. The threat is the group of individuals known as the American dubbers."
Pallor crept into Tamao's mild countenance.
Hao nodded grimly. "I had wanted to discuss this with my brother, but I see his darling wife has him…occupied." They paused, listening to the clatter of the chopsticks and plates and the splash of dishwater. "The dubbers have already struck at several shamans, though not at us two yet, Tamao. I suppose they'll rename you something like Tabitha, and I shall be Herman, perhaps." He smiled wryly as she shuddered, covering her eyes.
"I have…seen much doom approaching," she admitted.
"So it is," he agreed. "The dubbing has had quite adverse effects. Yoh-otouto and Anna got off a little more easily with the same names, but their voices leave much to be desired." He grinned humorlessly again. "And that's an understatement." He began to list the characters, ticking the names off on his fingers as he went. "Manta has been forced on an extended vacation, has he not? And intense psychological therapy, if my sources are correct. Poor little kid, he had issues with tension and stress before – can't say I helped much – but I'm positive the humiliation of the name 'Mortimer' pushed him to the nervous breakdown." He paused reflectively. "Odd choice of name, really. Hardly attractive, either."
Tamao nodded. "Names are important, especially spiritually, so I did a little research. 'Mortimer' is French and means 'still water.'"
Hao stared. "For that histrionic midget??" he asked, his jaw dropping, looking almost as if he were trying not to laugh. "That's unbelievable. The dubbers are worse ignoramuses than I had realized."
Tamao said nothing, but stood looking mournful.
"Well, where was I?" asked Hao, "Oh, right, I was going through your friends. Who else has fallen victim to this foolishness? Ah, Tao Ren. I heard he tried to go on a mad, violent killing spree in London when they made him 'Len' and British. 'Len' is an American name, by the way. I'm afraid I don't understand. A Chinese boy with a British accent and an American name…it doesn't seem to make sense. Though I must say I never laughed so hard as when I heard the phrase 'old chap' come from between his lips; that's what he gets for not joining me during the Shaman Fights."
"I don't see how those are related," put in Tamao a bit apologetically.
Hao waved the objection away with a gesture of his hand. "It's all related, you know. He does something stupid, and it all comes around."
Tamao looked doubtful, but chose not to argue.
"And," continued Hao, "Bokutou no Ryuu is undergoing a massive investigation to make sure he's not an illegal immigrant from Mexico." He frowned. "Horohoro…well, that just turned ugly, though I don't blame him. I'd be upset if I were named 'Trey' too. Let's not go into that. Tokageroh and Amidamaru have gone into almost suicidal depression – even if they're already dead – over the mispronunciations of their names…the list of unfortunate victims goes on. What have you foreseen?"
She studied the ground. "Lyserg…"
"Is doomed," he finished for her. "Anyone could tell that. His name is derived from LSD; they'll never let that on FoxBox. Hmm…Ren is now British, so does that mean that Lyserg will have to be of a different nationality? Swedish, maybe?"
"I do hope not," said Tamao, horrified.
"They'll change Morphin and Peyote's names too, that's for sure. Drug names on a children's cartoon…," he shook his head. "Though we're not exactly a children's cartoon, to be honest. Some people are just outrageously violent. Honestly! But the worst part is how this will influence fan fiction."
Tamao nodded, realization dawning on her.
"It will only be a matter of time before FanFiction.net is overrun with 'Morties' and 'Rios' and the flood of horrendous Mary-Sue self-insertions that come with unresearched-authors-who-don't-use-spell-check." He winced. "Not to mention a lot of other things. You do know that when I said I liked Ren, it was only a comment on my admiration for his strength and fighting skills, right? I never wanted to make out with him or…erm…do anything else. He'd probably behead me if I even suggested something like that." He gave a dramatic sigh. "I see much doom for my dignity and a lot of outrageous yaoi in my future."
"But the greatest doom," said Tamao quietly, "is for the X-Laws."
"Ahh, I should have known," said Hao with rather little pity. "All those religious icons, not to mention Jeanne's numerous self-torture devices. Silly of them. My friends from the Yu-Gi-Oh cast were complaining about that too; every single image of a cross gets edited into some sort of neutral shape. And every creature with connotations either to religion or possibly offensive witchcraft gets changed too."
"So…the angels?"
"Super-shiny gundams!" suggested Hao, bursting into laughter. "Their names'll go too; no way ones like Sariel and Remiel will make it."
"Poor Lyserg," said Tamao, clasping her hands.
"I wonder if I shall still be able to burn his parents," mused Hao, earning a timid yet disapproving glance from the girl in front of him. "I wonder if I shall be able to burn anyone! Or let the Sprit of Fire eat there souls!" A hint of concern glinted in his eyes. "And Shamash did make such a lovely crunching sound when my darling mochirei devoured him."
"Perhaps it will be best," said Tamao neutrally, though she was obviously remembering the numerous people he had hurt. "Little good came from what you did."
He shot her a glare. "My abilities are far from useless, Tamao. I still hold more power than you can imagine, and I can put it to good use if I like."
She did not reply and did not look at all convinced.
He smiled, a familiar evil light in his expression. "In fact, I intend to have the Spirit of Fire find out tonight precisely how the souls of dubbers taste."
She covered her mouth.
"Come now, don't look so shocked," he chided her. "You are rather partial to the idea yourself, I know. I can tell."
"But…they…"
"They're not innocent, that I can tell you," he said matter-of-factly. "I'll probably be doing all your friends a favor, as well as saving myself."
Still she hesitated. "If I tell Yoh-sama and Anna-sama…"
"This is one thing in which I will not let either stand in my way," he told her firmly. "And, somehow, I doubt they would wholeheartedly oppose my actions. Besides, Anna is pregnant, is she not? In that delicate state, when facing me, she –"
"She'll slap you twice as hard as before," said Tamao without any hint of jesting in her voice.
Hao blinked, thinking over the options. "I'll just be off then," he decided, and the Spirit of Fire materialized behind him in a rush of warm air, one huge hand extended down toward his master. Hao stepped on and then turned back once more. "Care to come with me, Tamao? It's your name we're fighting for, too."
She looked about, glancing back at the house once more and then back at Hao. She stood still for a moment, and then slowly took his hand, hoping she would not regret this later.
No one noticed the streak of flame that sped off into the sky, headed for America.
Owari
AN: In other words, there will be no continuation unless I come across something else that absolutely outrages me.
AN2: Yes, I am a Hao/Tamao supporter, though this was meant to be more about the dub than about romance.
AN3: I don't subscribe to yaoi/yuri/slash in any way. I won't hate you or flame you if you choose write it (I have good friends that do), but I don't read or write it.
(1.24.04) This is just a response I felt I needed to make to a review. (Curse these debate tendencies.) I don't usually do this. Feel free to ignore.
To Amor (though I wish you had left an email address) and anyone else who feels similarly: I totally understand your point of view, so don't take this story too seriously. The fic is almost entirely hyperbole (in other words, my "predictions" are statements on things 4Kids has done before, not necessarily what I think will happen); I find it difficult to protest things that upset me without turning to humor (be it blatant or no), and thus I exaggerate to get my point across. As an author and amateur manga-ka of original stories myself, I understand the importance of and thought that goes into the naming of characters, the twists in the dialogue, etc. Though I may be reading into things completely wrongly, I feel it is disrespectful to the creator and his characters when there are changes like we've seen in a lot of cut anime. You might be surprised at what kids accept in terms of character names (though, granted, they may laugh initially.) Some names, too, are made to sound silly: "Horohoro" was teased in both the manga and the anime. Sure, the dubbers have to make money, and I don't hate dubs in general (there a couple of well-done ones I am very fond of, in fact) and I apologize if it seemed that way. But there is a market out there for uncut and unchanged stuff. Look at the popularity of Shonen Jump and Adult Swim, for instance. In my humble opinion, if something can't be given to the kids on Saturday mornings as is, it shouldn't be mutated to fit the bill.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments; I appreciate different points of view and pay attention to every response.