Disclaimer: Joss, WB, UPN, Fox et al. own Buffy (or Xander, as the case may be). AIC and various others own Tenchi Muyo and all of its related wossnames. I do not.
Title: I'm the Doctor
Author: Paradigm Shifter
Rating: 12? 15 for safety, given the innuendo.
Thanks: Trevelyan for the above-and-beyond help, Bobby Cox for the extra reading and Anime-Ronin for putting this cross into 'Suiting Up'. I want to see more Tenchi Muyo crosses:-)
Notes: Short little Washu/Xander drabble. Well, it might not be so short,
actually. It might not even be a drabble fic! I've started a couple of other
fics, one a cross, one not. The cross might possibly end up Xander/Kiyone.
Or it might not. Anyone interested?
Written to: The title should have given something of a hint, here:
Motorhead, 'Iron Fist'.
Continuity: Post-S7.
-
Xander sighed, even though he really wasn't quite as depressed as he could have been. He could still have been in Africa. Damn, if that wasn't the most depressing two years he had ever had in his life. At least Japan didn't have things that tried to eat in him his sleep every night, even if he did still have to deal with the stigma of being a 'gaijin' almost everywhere he went. The major cities and holiday locations weren't too bad, but some of the more out of the way locations had been... difficult.
Still, he was in a pleasant place at the minute - which was half the problem.
Still searching for the Called Slayers, he had seen some truly incredible things happen from a house not far from Osaka... and had gone to investigate. While it was true that the Slayer spirit manifested itself in certain ways - at least as far as Watcher records showed - he did wonder sometimes whether a person would manifest skills in things that their environment required.
Naturally, he had put this question to Willow and Giles when it had occurred
to him. Willow had flattened his idea faster than he could blink; stating
categorically that Slayers only exhibited certain traits without even
thinking about any other possibility: faster reflexes, stronger muscles,
greater stamina, increased healing ability and metabolism. Giles, on the
other hand, had looked fascinated, had muttered something about 'research'
and had vanished into the remains of the Watcher Archives for close to a
week, before emerging triumphantly with a tome so ancient that he refused to
open, or indeed even touch it without wearing gloves, in case his
perspiration damaged it.
He had proceeded to explain to the Scoobies and Sunnydale Survivors that the Slayers would not necessarily display all the same traits - some would be better at a particular area than others - for example, the Slayer Visions or the healing aspect of their powers. He hypothesised that there may be some Slayers out there capable of much more than merely beating a vampire into submission before staking it - he thought there might be Slayers capable of telekinesis or even matter manipulation.
Naturally, this had created a lot of speculation. Why would it happen so?
How would it happen? Willow had not been pleased to find she was wrong, but
had accepted it. Buffy and many of the baby Slayers moped around, apparently
upset that they weren't the be-all and end-all of Slayerdom.
When multiple reports of strange occurrences in Japan reached the ears of Giles, he sent Xander to investigate. This had been, initially, because Japan was deemed 'safe'... unfortunately, that had now been repealed, but Xander had not been able to return home. His current benefactors made sure of that; not that he was complaining, of course. However, Xander had encountered his first problem with his theory in the house he was now technically living in, near Osaka.
That first experience had borne the name 'Ryoko'.
Xander, having grown up in America, had read lots of comic books, and had heard at least five theories about Area 51. As part of the comic book generation, he knew aliens existed.
He had, more importantly, perhaps, grown up on the Hellmouth, too. While he 'knew' intellectually, that aliens might exist, he didn't necessarily believe in little green men - and the idea of a hot alien Space Pirate was even more... ahem... alien to him, Xander was a lot more at home with the idea of demons, vampires, ghosts and other spirits existing.
So when he saw Ryoko gliding swiftly over the ground, partially see through,
he jumped to exactly the wrong conclusion.
When he got close enough to see her, he was even surer she was a demon than he had been those few moments earlier; otherwise why would she have cat-like eyes and other abilities that were far from human?
Then he encountered Ryo-ohki, too, when the cabbit succeed in sneaking up behind him and scaring him so much he knocked himself senseless as he slipped down a bank into Ryoko's path.
Then he discovered that as real as he thought demons were, aliens were just as real - they just weren't little green men from Mars. They were fantastically attractive women, many of whom were fully capable of destroying the planet - whether by accident in Mihoshi's case, or design in Washu's - without so much as breaking a sweat.
When he put it quite like that... well... Angelus just kinda got less and less scary, yeah?
Besides, if all Martians were male, wouldn't that be just a little
disturbing when it came time to... youknow? And how come dudes from a red
planet with low gravity were short and green?
Wouldn't they be, maybe, tall? Colour optional. As for the first one,
well... maybe they had a sort of plant-thing going?
-
Mecha-Washu-A hopped onto Xander's shoulder as he lay strapped to an examination bench in Washu's lab, "Whatca thinkin' 'bout, Xan?" It enquired with a voice far too chirpy to be real.
"Nothing," Xander didn't smile. He still didn't know quite what he thought he was doing here. Washu might be strong-minded - she might also be very attractive when in her adult form, but he still wasn't sure if he fully trusted the self-proclaimed 'Greatest Scientist in the Universe' not to somehow get it wrong when she went poking around inside his head.
Mecha-Washu-B hopped onto the other shoulder, "Oh, don't be like that, Xan!
You know Washu-chan doesn't like it when you mope!"
Washu's voice came perkily from behind one of the mountains of metal that was a not-failed-but-not-quite-complete experiment, "And how much I don't like it when you lie, either," her voice turned evil as she cackled, "Or do you want a repeat of the last time?"
Xander swallowed in fear, "Uh... no, no! I'm fine! Really!"
Washu looked at her two Mecha-Washu's, who hopped off Xander to perch on her shoulders, "I am beginning to think that I need to reprogram you two... you like Xander-san far too much."
"But he's so... kawaiiiii!" The first Mecha-Washu squealed, with the second nodding vigorous agreement.
Xander looked worried, "I'm cute! That is so not the sort of thing a guy wants to hear..."
Washu stood in front of him, and peeled his eye-patch off with one delicate hand, before placing it in a sample tray that was floating comfortably within reach, "Really?"
"Really!" Xander replied, perhaps a tad too high.
Washu stroked his face, "Are you sure?"
Xander looked at her silently for a long moment. "Can we just start?
Please?"
Washu nodded in satisfaction. "I still do not know why you took so long to come to me with this, Xander-san. It would not have been too much for the Greatest Scientific Mind in the Universe!" She preened, "After all, if I can develop a bomb that can annihilate whole dimensions, why, an eye should not be too much trouble!"
Xander gulped as he realised that his request could potentially end up spreading him across several of those previously mentioned dimensions in decidedly non Xander shaped pieces. And that was if he was lucky.
Washu held up a small sphere, displaying it to Xander. "This is it: it took me all of four hours to put together," she tutted, as if she could have done it faster.
"That's it? Just that?"
Washu cackled, "Oh, no! Not just this," her lab coat was replaced by the
rather tight nurses uniform that Tenchi knew all too well. With the cackle
now fading into a quiet giggle, she plucked a stethoscope out of thin air,
and hung it round her neck, "I have come to the conclusion that subjects
react far better to a nurse than to a doctor. You would not try to impede my
research, would you, Xander-san?"
"No," Xander said quickly, "never."
"Good." Washu smiled down at him, and Xander wondered if that smile was the last thing far too many lab rats had seen before going to the Big Cheese in the Sky.
"So, it's just that that goes in my head, then, yeah?" Xander was not going to allow Washu to derail him from what he considered to be the central point. "And it will work too?"
"Of course it will work!" Washu snapped, "Who do you think I am, Mihoshi?"
Xander froze, "You didn't say that was the only thing to go in my head."
Washu grinned, "Well... it is... broadly speaking. This is the largest of the implants, certainly."
"Just... how many others are there, then?"
"Oh... a few," Washu said evasively. She really liked Xander - he helped her with a lot of experiments. Tenchi had learned far too quickly for her liking how to avoid her requests. Xander, on the other hand, was far too polite to think of following the teen's example. It helped that hiding in Washu's lab also got him away from Aeka and Ryoko, who seemed to him to be perpetually one small step for woman away from mutual homicide.
"How many is a few, Washu-dono?" After seeing one too many of Washu's psychology investigations via the aforementioned Ryoko and Aeka, he wasn't going to settle for anything other than a perfectly straight answer. Xander wondered, in a sort of perverse interest, if the knowledge that Washu had engineered some of their fights might actually make the pair agree on something.
She leaned down to whisper something in his ear, with a large grin on her face, "A thousand tiny implants in your brain, Xander-san. That's all."
Xander's eye bulged, "A thousand?"
"I would say, 'I'm the Doctor', Xander-san," Washu readied a hypodermic needle, and smirked down at him, "But that would be incorrect, since I'm dressed as a nurse." The smirk became a grin, "Don't worry; it'll all be over soon..."
Xander whimpered as the needle approached, and continued to do so even as he blacked out.
-
The next time Xander opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was the still adult Washu, grinning down at him in satisfaction.
"Congratulations, Washu!"
"You're the greatest, Washu!"
He winced at the volume of her two puppets, who were dressed in miniature cheerleading costumes and waving pompoms energetically from opposite sides of his head.
As the restraints released, Washu offered Xander a hand, "How do you feel?"
Xander's hands came up to his face, feeling around where an hour earlier had been an empty puckered socket. "It worked?"
Washu was tempted to rail at him for his lack of confidence in her work, but counted to ten instead, "Of course. Did you doubt my ability as the Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe?"
"No," Xander sighed, "it's just that whenever anything really good happens to me, something always comes and screws it up."
"Nothing will 'screw it up' this time, Xan-chan," Washu smiled, "I guarantee it."
"Lifetime warranty, huh?" Xander grinned, suddenly feeling a whole lot better than he had this time the day before. His search for Slayers here might have reached a dead end, but his three weeks as guests of the Masaki's was far from wasted, if this was the result.
"Mm," nodded Washu, "my lifetime."
Xander looked back at her quickly, as he had been slowly turning his head taking in the lab - once again in glorious stereo. "Huh?"
"I made a few... improvements... to the original design. It barely took any longer to install, but will provide you with a few advantages!"
Xander suddenly wasn't so sure he liked what he was hearing. He had
something in his head that was originally intended to be an eye... but had
sprouted a few extras along the way, and without his consent. "Like... what,
exactly?"
"Well, it can synthesise several useful chemicals from those found in your
body, as well as providing you with enhanced vision when you desire it.
Simply think it, and if the eye can do it, it will!"
"Like...?"
"X-ray vision? Heat vision? Night vision? Zoom?" Washu chuckled, "one of the other implants I added will circulate a fluid akin to Holy water in you bloodstream, so any vampire that bites you will think its drinking concentrated sulphuric acid!"
"What do some of those chemicals do, Washu-sensei?" Xander began to think
that he had best be as respectful as possible to the - potentially mad -
scientist.
"Synthetic versions of all of the important bodily hormones, with a
two-hundred fold improvement in effectiveness. I would have tried for a
two-thousand fold increase, but that might kill you due to sheer
concentration. Oh, and I added a few of my own devising: a cell regenerator,
a cancer suppressor, fatigue suppressor, strength and stamina enhancer"
she muttered something that Xander didn't catch properly.
"What was that last one?"
"Stamina enhancer," Washu repeated.
"No, after that; you muttered something?"
Washu looked away, "Performance Enhancer..."
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad. What's so wrong with a performance enhancer...?" He trailed off, suddenly, as the penny dropped. "Unless, of course, it's a..." he blushed, "Um... a performance enhancer..."
Washu's nurse outfit suddenly seemed to shrink - or tighten, Xander couldn't decide which.
"Er..." Xander said, suddenly feeling like he was one of the lab rats he had been thinking about earlier.
Washu grinned at him, "It's time for my payment, Xan-chan! Since Tenchi is being so difficult and impeding my experimental progress, I will have to acquire... alternative data..."
Xander remained silent, looking like a deer in the headlights of an eighteen wheeler.
Washu leaned into him, whispering in his ear, "And I have soo much data to collect, Xan-chan..."
-
Reviews would be appreciated. :) I might get around to posting this on eventually, too...
I've actually started continuing this (since I went to all the trouble of setting up a vague plotline an' all...) but currently, to all intents and purposes, this ends here.