Errare Humanum Est

AN:
1. A.U. Sorta.
2. Shounen Ai/Yaoi…ish?

Kairi really lives up to her name, "Separation" (in whisper-y commercial voice)… by Calvin Klein. She has that dime-a-dozen female personality of "oh, I shall wait for you," "I am so determined though I am so weak!" etc. She's kinda just there, like a log you have to find. Well, not just there, I mean, she's important to the story and all, but she didn't really leave a mark on me except as girl between the guys, which is a whole other thing by itself because I have too much time on my hands.

Anyway, Riku x Sora is one of the top ranking things in my Great Big Book of Things Great. See how it starts and ends with the word "great"?

Regarding the story, Riku's twenty-ish, of course making the other two a year younger than that vague number. Also for the sake of this story, let's say that Destiny Island is a lot bigger and has a lot more people. I imagine O'ahu because da kine.

Spelling and/or grammar errors due to my inattention and/or laziness. The rest of the story, though, is all my fault.

-1-

"You can't realize who you are. That's why you're unhappy," he says.

Try to be mysterious, why doesn't he?

Saying that it "means what it means" is cheating because things around here aren't that simple. Not that I'm saying things can't be, because that's how everything starts. Simply. Stuff just doesn't always stay that way. Things add up and evolve, following you into your sleep and turning into your dream.

I know you're waiting for me to ask, so here it is: "Is this a dream?"

Well… I dunno.

Kairi's obviously having problems of her own right now so I won't bother asking her about it. This leaves me with no one else but myself to ask, and that's when you know it's no good. I gave up trying to find all the answers… but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy knowing them. Even if the knowledge has only a few seconds to settle in my brain…

…so, getting to the point.

I've been thinking forever about things (technically, ever since I was a baby, but what kind of person remembers that far back? Not me.) You know those hackneyed questions of the meaning of life, happiness, what sorts of things happen beyond the horizon, et cetera. Of course you know them. We all do. You aren't gonna believe it but I used to preoccupy myself with that kind of stuff. Yup, ever since I was a wee lad. I ooze undiluted originality like that.

You see, I hate being naked (the emotional kind, not the freaky kind you perv, you). I tried to cover up my vulnerable self with those sorts of lame questions. Those mostly warded people off. I "hurt" their "feelings" or they got bored or annoyed with me. Mostly annoyed. Perhaps weirded out.

That left no one to hurt me. And no one to help me.

The stupid thing is… some of the questions I asked as a distraction actually got me thinking. Some "answers" magically reasoned themselves into existence and left a (figuratively) rampant itchiness I couldn't scratch. Sure, I asked "why" to cover myself up, but at the same time… these answers had to mean something.

As to how any of that relates to my recent life story, well, everything got so gnarled up so quickly that my questions didn't even have starting points anymore. What truths did I try to hide from and which lies did I want to expose? What was I really searching for? I couldn't figure out what I wanted to know or what I already knew but didn't know I knew. It's confusing but not.

So, what's my problem exactly? Do I want what I want or don't I? Either way, who cares. As of a few days ago, the "who, what, where, why, whatever" of everything lost their value to me. Questions are made for answers, not for more questions. Turns out that I suck at my own game. Thus I am here resigning myself to the unquestioning acceptance that humans call "fate." Just kidding! I mean, I'm human too. Ha ha. But really, I give up. Take note that deliberately giving up isn't my style.

"Why me?" I should wonder. Well, why anything? Was it because I asked too many questions? Did I? Question? Question? Was this all of what life was? Building up to a cavernous grave of idiocy, its gaping mouth waiting for me to step in. Instead of dirt there're question marks. Maybe I'll die before I open my eyes to this world. Maybe I was stillborn to destiny, so I guess that in some way a grave can be like a womb.

Wait a minute. A "womb grave"? Man… this is what I've become. I am whining to myself again. I am making stupid metaphors no one'll care about or understand. Cry me a friggin' river.

All right, then, enough babble. You'd think that with as little time that I have I'd stop babbling some time soon. Can't help it. Now I'm babbling about babbling. I'll stop right… now.

Ok. Back to reality.

In the background, there's a metallic squealing. It's getting louder, gnawing a hole through my skull, becoming louder than the thoughts in my head and louder than the sound of me swallowing my own spit. And it's dark, the kind of dark where you don't know whether your eyes are open or not. Either way it doesn't change the fact that we're screwed. Everyone knows that darkness inevitably leads to dooooom and I whole-heartedly confess that right now this impending doom is riding my nerves.

Well, since I can't bear to think about what's going on around us, or what's gonna happen, and since I'm stuck here with this "fate", think I'll delve back into the semi-safe recesses of my mind again. I'll distract myself by telling me my own story again.

Ready, Me?

All right.

The situation that landed us here started ("started" meaning when I got involved, not when the situation actually began. I got caught up in the middle of this thing) when I went to buy things for Kairi.

Cue flashback.

Kairi'd gotten sick. I don't remember how I knew. Word of mouth probably or me finally noticing the lack of her presence. With me being the extremely nice person that I am (50 percent of that statement is true. I am a person), I went to the market to buy her some flowers. I'd just gotten off from work, meaning I at least looked decent. I had to pass the market anyway and her home was along the way to mine. Score.

"Zinnias", the sign said. So it was zinnias that I bought. It made the florist a little flustered when I gave her the money and asked for the change in ones. Perhaps it was because I'd given her a large denomination bill. Dunno why I wasted time doing that, watching her go to different venders to trade for singles. But remember that the customer is always right.

Me? Stalling? Never. I'd never do such a thing. Why would I be nervous about seeing Kairi?

Before leaving with a snoot-full of pollen and a swollen pocket of singles, there was some huge commotion. What'd caused it ran smack into me. And get this, this doesn't happen in real life but… I saw his face. Guess what that face was? It was familiar.

For the three seconds I gawked, disbelief had enough time to thoroughly massage, infiltrate, and saturate my brain. It hurt a little inside because there was no sign of him recognizing me back. They were just eyes—and they were looking at me yet still not knowing who I, The Great Riku, was!

Our staring contest was interrupted when a lady screamed. The familiar stranger took off fast, cutting through the crowd like it was nothing. Other screams were in reaction to the first one and the crowd boiled into a small-time frenzy. People were pushing me out of the way and I shoved them back. Just because.

Then some other person pointed at me and yelled, "Him, too! There's blood on his collar!"

I followed the accusing finger to myself and I'll be damned, I did have blood on my collar. On my white, perfectly ironed collar. The interloper had unmistakably smeared me with the stuff when trying to plow me over.

What was he doing with blood on him?

Before anyone could heed the words of the crazy person, I tucked in my collar and went on as if nothing happened. Continued being pushed out of the way and continued shoving back for no reason… but that composure didn't last too long. I don't know what it was, maybe the stuffy air or the motion of a gazillion bodies in that heat or the color of blood stuck in my mind's eye, but something got to me. Something inside me began to crack but not quite crumble.

I hauled ass outta there quick, smashed flowers and all.

Leaving that scene behind, I was supposed to be on my way to Kairi's. Remember? That's what I'd planned but yeah right. Auto-pilot took me home, to the shore in back. I pulled out a year-old, weatherworn cross I'd made and stuck deep into the sand (which was silly because I don't believe in anything and I'm not stylishly atheist).

It was symbolic, yeah, that's it, of resurrection and lowliest defeat. Or maybe just cliché. Undiluted originality, like I said.

Disregarding whatever else my subconscious tried to make it into, that cross was a sober reminder of the day when Sora went missing. Those two slabs of wood were something I saw every day… they were real so it made the fact they represented real. Kinda like stopping denial before it starts. I'm sure it'd make me mad to know I was living with the lie of false hope. The living part is fine but the knowing it's fake is… no.

What, wasn't my pain "tangible" enough for you? Isn't it still!

But after what happened at the market I could throw that thing away. I chucked it far into the ocean and watched it begin its journey to wherever. It felt great for a little bit but the funny thing about time is that it can breed doubt. It's not a flat world, that cross can't fall over the edge and disappear, I mean… even if my hopes had risen, I couldn't ignore the past year of my life and make it disappear. I couldn't erase the fact that he'd been gone. Always something to remind me.

What if the stranger wasn't Sora like I was hoping to high heaven it was? That truth would—suck. As in a lot.

I eventually backtracked and made it to Kairi's front door, standing there awhile before actually doing anything. I lifted my arm, knocked using that knock-y thing, and waited. I noticed some small fluffy creatures running across the ground and watched their tails sway to and fro. Interesting. Squirrels. There wasn't much else to be distracted by so local wild life had to do. Wait, were squirrels really local or introduced to the—

"Riku?" Kairi's face suddenly appeared where the door used to be.

I swallowed and felt something that wasn't exactly pity and nothing like relief. Her face usually had a cute pinkish tinge but some pixels got turned off and her face was a milky yellow. How sick do you have to be to make that color? She was wearing a turtleneck, which was kinda weird since it's the middle of summer and freaking paradise around here. Did she still manage to have the chills?

I wanted to help but, you know. Me? Attempting to cure illness? No dice. The only constructive thing was to wish well. Or at least pretend to.

"Hi. Um, for you," I lifted my arm like a dumb robot to display my multi-colored, zinnia-ish show of friendship. I began to wonder if she'd notice how the plants were all creased and smashed. She didn't. Whew, there goes a load offa my back. Not.

"Thank you!" her voice went raspy with enthusiasm.

"Don't get too excited. They're just flowers."

"They may be but the thought means more. Come in! That's if you want to, if you're not afraid of catching anything from me."

I looked at my watch, but not conspicuously because you know how that'd make me look. I had about two hours before I had something to do, and that something was dusting lampshades. (What? Lampshades get dusty.) I could've lied and left but I didn't hate her. She was just—Kairi. Besides, I'd spent more than half my life knowing her and was yet to catch any breed of Kairi-Brand Kooties.

Looking past the sincerely fake smile on my face, her eyes fell and stayed a few seconds on my collar. I'd folded it in trying to hide red streaks but maybe she got some wrong ideas. Great, so it turned out that I tried to hide something only to make it more obvious. Like I cared. I didn't. That's why I did it in the first place.

Good going. Now I was reminded of the "Event of the Stain."

Kairi went on talking and I went on sitting on her couch and nodding my head. Some words I chose to hear sank in but I preferred my thoughts over the reality of that moment. I was still trying to figure what the heck happened earlier…

"Riku?"

I'd seen that he was still alive.

"Riku."

I'd felt him, his breath. It had to be real.

"Hey."

Sora's alive. There was an amount of time that passed after he went missing that I began to estimate his date of death.

"Riku!"

"Uh huh. That's really interesting, Kairi." (Claiming that something's interesting usually keeps you out of trouble.)

"You daydreaming?"

I seriously thought she was asking about my sighting.

"No."

Then I remembered that she couldn't read minds.

AN: I know you wanna know the meaning of zinnia flowers. C'mon. It's in the next chapter (unless you're smart/bored enough to look it up yourself… or if you already know... or don't read the next chapter. Boo-hoo).