Cold. Dark. Damp.
I never thought drowning would feel like this. I always thought it would be peaceful. Slowly close your eyes, dunk your head under, and feel the world float out of your fingertips. But this is painful. Struggling to stay under while your instincts tell you to swim up, swim back to life. To go back to the waking hell you're trying to leave; however, you know that this small, brief struggle is nothing compared to the lifelong hardships. The sleepless nights of constant sobs and broken bodies, the lifeless trudge through the streets of London, the blank stares and meaningless conversations with people who don't care, none of it is worth it.
It's all irrational; living, breathing, slowly dying from the toxic intake of social interaction and thought crippling put downs. Why stay? What's the point? So that's why I'm here, forcing myself under with ease. Almost ease. My mind has never been clearer. My perception is perfection, and I slip away.
How would you define hell? Is it just the assumption that it's a pit of doom? Is there a horned monster lurking in the flames that are your final destruction? An afterlife of pain close to the kind you caused on Earth? Maybe then I deserve to go to this so called 'hell'. All I've ever done is hurt you. That's why you left, and don't try and sugarcoat it. I wasn't good for you at all. All I ever did was take happiness, I never gave it.
Happiness is yet another funny concept. You wake up and work day in and day out to reach the ultimate goal of happiness, self-fulfillment, but I'm sick of going through the motions with no prevail. It's said from birth, you are destined for greatness, but are you? Am I? Are any of us? What's so special about our own lives that greatness can come from everyone? Shouldn't it be said that in order for some to be great, others must be awful. We would not know happiness without sadness. The sun would not be appreciated if it weren't for rain. There could not be greatness if there were no losers. That's why I thought we worked. You were the greatness and I was the loser. We complimented each other the way we should have.
But that's what I am, right? A loser. You told me that once in a fight. I know you took it back as soon as the words left your mouth, but you were right. I am the lowest of the low I this cesspool of life. How did I even get to this point? I was a happy go lucky child once. The world was as beautiful as I. So young, so impressionable. The same beautiful world became corrupt. Light merged with dark to form a dull gray, looming over my life like a demon.
It swept me up, held me tight, comforting me until I conformed to its ways. The dark over powered, taunting and twisting until I fell to its grasps. You'd think the fall would be painful, but it wasn't. Not in the least. I finally found acceptance. A second home in that darkness. I wasn't afraid there, but I was only partially broken before I met you; I had the willpower to push it all away when necessary. I never got to the point where it consumed me.
Then when I met you, it all went away. You tore away those clouds. You were my own sun. All I saw were your eyes. Your beautiful, bright blue eyes and I knew I would be safe. You kept me protected, and I don't think you ever really realized that. You saved me.
When you left, that darkness returned. I was content with it. I didn't miss you. I didn't remember us; I didn't remember what it felt like to hold you.
I think that's why I like it so much.
When I met you, I didn't think much of it all. I pushed my feelings down because I knew I would never mean as much to you as you do to me, but I was alright with pretending. I was fine knowing you were my one and only, but I was not yours because then and there I could hold you. Then and there I could kiss you and wipe the tears from your face. I could make love to you and wake up in your arms. Those moments where good enough to hold me over, or so I thought.
I'll never forget our first night together. You completed me. We were both nervous and scared and had no clue what we were getting ourselves into, but the love was stronger than the nerves. I loved you more than anything else in the world. It was gentle. YOU were gentle. I know you could see in my eyes that I was in pain. You'll never understand how much that kiss meant to me. I'm glad you were the one I was able to share my first time with.
Even when we argued, I was in love. The way your face scrunched up when you were thinking, the way your arms flailed about in any and every direction as if it added to your point. I especially loved the end, when you would put your hand through your beautiful hair and fall onto the couch. You would look up at me and I would come down next to you. I'd place my head upon your shoulder and your head would lean against mine. The fighting would stop. All that was left was us.
The day you left was the hardest, but I knew it was coming. I knew I wasn't your 'one'. There was better out there for you, and I'm glad you found it. I came home and your bag was packed. Everything became a blur. Your words slurred together. My brain couldn't process them. Your eyes were bloodshot. The normal calming blue was now ice cold. Your lovely black hair was matted, and the circles under your eyes were massive. Even like that, you were still beautiful. I watched you walk out of the door for the last time. That one little wave was all I had left to hold onto. That door closed and I fell to the ground, never to return to the Dan I was with you.
It's been what, a year since you left? I missed you every second until the darkness came. And now, with the darkness' help, I have the courage to do what I've always wanted. To leave. To go. I don't want to be in a world without you. It's not worth it. I know you'll have a great life with him. He's your 'one'. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be, but know this. I love you Philip Lester. You made me the happiest man in the world. You numbed my pain for a while, and that's more than I could ever ask for. Enjoy your life without me. I know you already are.
Cold. Dark. Damp.
No one ever said dying was easy, but my mind is clear and I finally.
Slip.
Away.