SYNOPSIS:
After years of moving on with life and going steady with her long time boyfriend Enishi, Kaoru finds herself still torn from a lost love who was now perfectly happy with her new girlfriend, Tomoe. She is faced everyday with the pain of seeing her beloved get over her with Tomoe by his side. Finding no one to lean on to, she decides on pouring out her feelings into writing.
My Memories of You
It was one of these days that I found myself thinking of you realizing very much that I was never over you. They say that you'd never realize the true worth of one person until you see them over you and living their lives perfectly well without you in the picture. And that's how I feel right now—crushed by the realization that you are now completely over me and hoping for nothing that even just for a few heartbeats, I have crossed your mind. But who was I fooling?
I was never a bitch, much less a cheater. But here I am pouring my sentiments on this little piece of paper I know you'll never even think that I'd be writing because what you know and what everyone else knows was that, I too, was perfectly happy with someone I have been going steady for almost 2 years now. I have no doubts that I love this person I call mine because he is, after all, that kind of person I always wanted to be. He may not be perfect but he is so kind that breaking him now was like tearing my insides open as well. I love my man… but I love you too. .. And it isn't right anymore because you were never mine to begin with.
I have suppressed so many deep feelings for you since middle school because you made me believe that you never wanted me the way I wanted you. I loved you back then and yet you pushed me away until he came and saved me from the pain that was yet to come. I thought it would be easy then and that I was over you. But you came and declared your love for me, and because I still loved you, I gave in and accepted you even when I was with someone else. It wasn't exactly the doings of a loyal woman… but that was how love is… it makes you do crazy things—even things you wouldn't imagine yourself doing. In the end however, it never worked out and we took our separate ways even as I harbored feelings for you. Maybe it was all just for the better… things that I had to pay for involving myself into something I shouldn't have gotten myself into when I had so much more. And after those fleeting years we avoided each other, I thought I was over you again. But seeing you now, perfectly happy and very mush n love with her has made my insides tumble and turn. I wanted to cry out loud, screaming for a lost love. But I couldn't also bring myself to regret that I stayed with the person I really belonged to because he didn't deserve the heartache. You were so different from him and most of the time I despised you because you were rude and uncaring… but even then I realized that I still loved you. And I still love you that it hurts so much every time. It's so tiring having to face you every time with my same I'm-so-happy-for-you smile when I knew I wasn't really happy. In fact, I was miserable because I wanted you yet I couldn't because I am a perfect porcelain doll expected to do nothing but what responsibility and conscience tells you to do. I couldn't have you because you could never want me back again. Like every day, I find myself on unfamiliar grounds torn between what and who I want. But just like before, nothing I could say or do would matter anyway because none of it would ever change how you feel. My role in your life in your life was long gone even before I had the chance to be in it. You have her, I have him and that's just how it's supposed to be forever.
In the end, I write this only for myself to somehow ease the pain of not being able to tell you up front.
I write this only for myself because I couldn't write or tell anyone about my memories of you afraid to be judged and looked down by the people around us.
And I write these things for myself hoping that someday, somehow, I wouldn't feel the need to write about you anymore because I am finally over you.