A/N
Seeing as how my Aizen in Oz and Ichigo in Wonderland has done very well I decided to take on all the fairytales. In one crack filled story. This is just the intro of how this insanity came to be. The Fairytales start next chapter. Still I laughed the whole time writing this chapter. Please enjoy.
Chapter One- Tea in the First Division
Everyone knew that once a month the first division would have a tea party. Head Captain Yamamoto loved his tea. So he would throw a tea party for his whole division. No one but members of the first division were allowed. No exceptions. While some of the other captains were some what curious, no one really wanted to have tea with the head commander.
Ukitake and Shunsui would occasionally grumble that old man Yama never threw them tea parties. And Aizen would ask, anyone who would listen, what kind of tea the first division captain made. Byakuya wanted to see what kind of china and décor was inside. But no one ever really wanted to go.
So by some chance they found themselves, captain and lieutenant alike in the first division. Sitting at a big table. Even numbered captain's to the left, odd to the right. Yamamoto's empty seat in the middle. The lieutenants kneeling behind their captains. The whole first division was sitting at small tables in front of them. The captain commander and his lieutenant no where to be seen at the moment.
All at once all twelve captain's leaned in to talk. Their lieutenants doing the same so they could listen.
"What in the world is going on?" demanded Soi Fon. "I have things to do today," Unohana nodded in polite agreement beside her. Byakuya was eyeing the room. Ichimaru shifted uncomfortably next to Aizen. Displeased that he was going to have to sit beside the head captain.
Aizen adjusted his glasses. "Seems we have been invited to the first division tea party."
"Wow Sousuke! Did you figure that out all on your own?" snarled Soi Fon. "You're a freaking genius." Aizen held his head up high, not going to give her the satisfaction of a reply.
Kenpachi sighed bored.
Mayuri scratched the table with his overly long nail.
Toshiro yawned sleepily.
"This beats paperwork, eh, Izuru?" asked Gin stretching cat like, his spine cracking loudly in several places. Making several people in the room flinch. He smiled wider getting the desired reaction.
"I guess so," the blonde said eyeing his captain's back with a worried expression.
"Gin, that was gross," Rangiku sighed from the other side of the table.
The seconds ticked by. The clock chimed six and the captain commander entered his lieutenant following him. He took his seat in the middle. "Let us begin," he stated.
Several members of the first squad began to place cups down in front of the captains and to fellow members of the squad. Tea pots and other necessities were set in place. Honey sugar and other things one might need.
Soon enough the tea was poured. The captain's waited until Yamamoto had sipped his tea before they sipped their own.
It was at that moment when many questions that had been asked over the years had been put to rest.
Ukitake and Kyoraku exchanged glances. They were glad that up until now they had never had a tea party with the head captain. It was awkward. As Aizen choked on the tea he now knew that it was by far the worst tea he had ever had. And Byakuya decided after struggling to swallow the tea in front of him, that the décor was tacky at best and the china mediocre.
Hinamori patter her captain on the back, her eyes filled with worry.
"You can't breath and drink at the same time, Sousuke-kun," chuckled Ukitake weakly, helping to cover the fact of why the man was really choking.
Aizen nodded setting the cup down. Other's were not as subtle at showing their dislike for the tea. Gin flat on gagging on it next to captain commander. And Kenpachi none to quietly asking; "What the hell is this crap?"
Unohana caught Soi Fon spitting the tea back into her cup, discreetly.
Izuru quickly reached out to the table and pulled a sugar bowl towards his captain. "I know your not found of tea, sir," he said a little louder than one should, but he was doing it so the commander would hear. So he would know that Gin acted like this around all tea, not just his. Even if that was not entirely true. "You'll like it better with sugar," Squinted eyes eyed the bowl of sweet cubes.
Aizen watched somewhat amused and somewhat horrified as Gin was going on twenty some cubes of sugar and still going.
"I think that's enough," he laughed slightly.
"I just want it to be solid, so I can't drink it."
Aizen laughed weakly and moved the bowl to his other side taking a good amount of cubes while his hand was there and adding them to his own drink.
Some were even less subtle then Gin. Toshiro was thinking along the same lines as the silver haired captain. Just taking the bowl and dumping it into his cup. The boy didn't even like sweet things.
Tousen was a trooper drinking his tea the way it was. Unohana and Byakuya took turns taking spoonfuls of honey and adding it to their tea. It wouldn't look as bad if they took turns.
"So, Yama," sighed Shunsui after a few more pained moments. "you've never invited all of us to one of your tea parties. What's the occasion?"
The elder of the group cleared his throat. "I feel the captain's should be a little more unified. After all the only time we are all together is during meetings. A little bonding will do us some good."
"That's a good idea," agreed Ukitake. "Lot's of bonding happening here," There were a few glares sent his way.
Trays of cakes were set down in front of them. They looked good enough. A ripple of hesitation went throughout the table. Again, they waited for the head captain. He ate one no problem. Warily the rest of the captains reached for a pastrys.
Everyone regretted it.
"Eat this Nemu," Mayuri demanded handing her the cake with a single bite in it.
"Yes, Mayuri-sama,"
Kenpachi tossed his cake to Yachiru who was practically drooling at the sight of food. She ate it without complaint. Unohana politely used her napkin to hide the partially chewed food.
Another set of coughs from Aizen as he again had to choke something down his body did not want. Hinamori's eyes wide and fearful, wondering if her captain was going to make it through this tea party.
"Stories are in order here," Yamamoto insisted.
"Stories?" the captains asked in unison. Couldn't they just leave? Hadn't they suffered enough?
The head captain nodded. "Yes. Not just any stories, fairytales. I told the boys last month that I would gather up all the captains and we would tell stories."
"Just the captains?" asked Hisagi, hope ever so evident in his voice.
"We'll see. But for now, yes just the captains."
Matsumoto pointed at Gin and silently laughed at him. Mocking his predicament.
"To demonstrate what I want I will tell the first story." he said. The captain's looked at him warily. He cleared his throat. "I will tell the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
Soi Fon face palmed. Unohana's smile was strained. Toshiro's head hit the table with a thud.
"But to make all these old tales a little more interesting I'll change some things. So it should really be called. Unohana Retsu and the Seven Captains."
"What?" the forth captain asked.
"Silence. I will tell the story."
