A/N: Hello there! As promised, we're back. This time we thought we would try writing something shorter, so this fic ended up being 3 chapters. The next one will be published Thursday, and the last one the Thursday after that. Co-written with Zayhad, as usual. We're excited to hear what you think :)

Zayhad has made a wonderful piece of art for this fic. You can see it on her deviantart account.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to J. K. Rowling


Chapter 1 - I'll Stick Your Head on the Wall

"For fuck sake!" groaned Regulus, looking out the window to his back garden. "Not again!"

He jammed his feet into his loafers and stormer outside to catch the little white/brown Jack Russel mix sprinting around the lawn in circles, looking like it was having the time of its life. "COME HERE!" yelled Regulus, chasing the dog but falling on his face when he was just about to catch it. "YOU LITTLE BASTARD - just wait till I catch you, I'll stick your head on the wall!"

Finally, he managed to catch the dog, falling on it like a rugby player on a ball. His clothes were dirty, patches of green on the knees and elbows. He scooped the yapping dog up under an arm and marched next door. Hammering on the door, he yelled, "Come out here, you wanker, and take your bloody cur!"

The door swung open and a tall, thin young man stood in the door, looking very irritated when he saw who was on his doorstep. Remus (as was the young man's name) tried to calm himself, however, not wanting to get into another fight with his new neighbour. He had always been a person who tried to get along with everyone, but Black was impossible to please. "Thank you," he said and reached for his dog.

Regulus turned to the side, swinging the small dog out of his neighbour's reach. "What are you going to do about him constantly breaking into my garden? You're lucky I'm against animal cruelty, or I would have just kicked him all the way over the fence!"

"Well, what are you going to do about that skinny rag that keeps shitting in my garden and hunting my birds?" Remus countered, crossing his arms.

Regulus opened his mouth, looking like a fish for a moment. "Don't you dare call Kreacher a rag! And he doesn't hunt your birds - they're wild birds - you don't own them!"

"Might be so, but they're in my garden and I feed them, so it is my business when your bloody cat chases them so I get feathers all over the place! So keep your rag at home and I will keep Moony home as well. Now hand him over!" Remus hated to sound mean but the few months he had lived here, Black had been a constant pain in the backside.

"Next time I might drop him off at the pound instead," said Regulus and finally handed over the dog who yapped in happiness and licked his owner's face.

"Thank you!" Remus said and slammed the door. He sighed and put the dog on the floor, patting its head. "Try to stay home, Moony, will you?"

Regulus marched back to his own house, slamming the front door although Lupin was back inside and could neither see nor hear it. He muttered under his breath as he pulled off his jeans and shirt to put them in the washer, cursing the day Lupin had bought the house next door. Before, an old lady had lived there, who was quiet and rarely came outside. She had even had a gardener attend to her garden, so everything looked neat. Regulus wished she hadn't died so the house had to be sold.

o0o0o

"So have you settled down nicely?" Lily smiled as she sipped her red wine, sitting on a chair, watching her best friend cook.

"I have, and I like it here. Except for my neighbour, who won't get off my back," Remus sighed.

"Still?" Lily said and put her glass down. "Why doesn't he just leave you alone, already? I mean, you and Moony are hardly being nuisance." She looked at the dog, which had settled in its dog bed near the fireplace.

"Well... Moony has broken into his garden a few times," Remus admitted. "You know how good he is at finding loopholes, and for some reason he thinks Black's lawn is a better playground than mine."

"Maybe you should put up a fence at the bottom of the hedge?" Lily suggested.

"I have, but he just digs under it," Remus sighed. "And Black keeps blowing up in my face even though his cat keeps jumping into my garden as well. How's that fair?"

"Oh, he has a cat? Well, I suppose you're both a fault here, aren't you?" she said, a knowing smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

"I guess," Remus nodded and added a few spices to the food. "But I have to tell you: he's bloody sexy. Too bad he's such a wanker."

"Well, perhaps all he needs is a good lay," Lily winked.

"Yeah, perhaps," Remus laughed. He smiled at his friend and leaned in over the counter. "How was your date with that bloke the other day? James, was it?"

Lily snorted and rolled her eyes. "Big-headed and bragging but very charming at the same time. And I think he has a good heart underneath. I can't decide if I want to see him again or not."

"Give the bloke a chance," Remus said. "He's been asking you out for months so maybe he was just a little overexcited when he finally got his little fantasy fulfilled. Well, part of it at least," he laughed.

At ten o'clock someone hammered at the door. They didn't notice at first, because they were listening to rather loud music, dancing and laughing. Lily turned down the music while Remus opened the door, slightly out of breath.

Outside stood a very sour-faced Regulus Black. "I'm sorry - is this the Glastonbury festival? I thought it was a peaceful residential area but I must admit that the sound level has me confused."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Remus said with an irritated voice. "I'm sorry you don't know what a fun time looks like. It's Saturday evening and you're the only one complaining! Why don't you go out and get laid or something, 'cause you clearly need to let off some steam!"

"What? How do you know I don't get laid plenty? And by the way - that's none of your business! Oh, and please tell me you two aren't gonna start shagging loudly in a bit!"

"If you were getting any, I would be able to hear it, since apparently the walls are paper thin here," Remus said. "And not that it's any of your business, but she's missing a few bits for me to want her in that way."

"Wha...?" Regulus blushed when he understood what Lupin meant. "I'm not interested in your sexuality! In fact, I'm not interested in you at all!" He looked down at the small dog jumping up and down at Remus' feet, clearly excited at the prospect of getting another guest. "If he wasn't such a drag I would feel sorry for him - his ear drums must be close to blowing. You know dogs have a much better hearing than humans, yeah?"

"At least I don't bore him to death like you probably do with your rag."

Regulus' hands balled into fists at his side. "Stop calling Kreacher a rag!"

"Sorry. It's just that it's so ugly I keep forgetting it's actually a cat…"

"Oh, fuck off," said Regulus and finally decided to go back home.

Remus huffed and turned the music back on, although at a slightly lower volume, before sitting down across from Lily. Noticing that she was staring at him, he tilted his head and asked what was the matter.

"Blimey, Remus. I've never seen you like that! Honestly, I didn't even think you possessed a temper and could have such a foul mouth."

"I'm sorry," he sighed and ran a hand through his hair before scratching Moony behind his ear as it settled at his feet. "He just makes me so frustrated. You see I can't even enjoy an evening with music and laughter before he's on my doorstep."

"Well, we were a bit loud. But, blimey, is he obnoxious!"

o0o0o

The sound of a screeching cat caught Regulus' ear and he rushed to the window. There, he saw Kreacher coming racing down his blasted neighbour's driveway, his neighbour's blasted dog on his tail. Cursing, Regulus hurried out the door to come to his pet's rescue. "Kreacher, come here!" he yelled. But the cat decided to escape the terrier-mix by scurrying up a tree on the side of the street.

Regulus stood under the tree, calling for his cat to come down, but obviously Kreacher wasn't going anywhere near the ground, with the barking, jumping dog at the foot of the tree.

Remus came out of his house, having heard the ruckus. He stood a bit back, watching his neighbour jump up and down in an attempt to reach his cat, deciding after a minute or so to call his dog.

Regulus turned to see him, glaring glowing hot daggers at him. "Put that bloody mongrel away and come and help me get Kreacher down!"

"Why?" Remus shrugged. "It's not my rag."

"HE CHASED KREACHER!" Regulus yelled, pointing at the terrier. "He had to climb up there to save his life!"

"I doubt he was in any real danger," Remus said. "And he was in my garden so Moony had the right to chase him out. But I'll take my dog with me now so maybe the rag dares come down in a couple of hours."

"Come back here and help me!" demanded Regulus when Remus walked away with Moony. "And bring a ladder!"

"I don't have time," Remus said. "I have laundry and then I'll go watch the grass grow." He kept walking, not even looking over his shoulder at his frustrated neighbour.

o0o0o

Regulus was fuming when he, hours later, could finally go back inside with his cat, in the end succeeding with help from his neighbour on the opposite side of his street. He spent most of the evening thinking about how to get back at Lupin, because he was not going to get away with this one. One thing was that his dog had chased his cat (at least that wasn't something Lupin had made it do) but his refusal to help get Kreacher down was completely unacceptable. He considered actually dropping Moony off at the RSPCA the next time he caught him - then Lupin could go through the scare and embarrassment of having to go pick him up when they found him, but he decided against it out of fear that Lupin would do the same with Kreacher.

The perfect opportunity offered itself early the next morning. There was a knock on the door, and outside stood a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. Regulus was about to tear them a new one, asking what they thought they were doing, waking people up on a Sunday morning to stuff their blasted religion down their throats; but then he got an idea. "Sorry, I'm a devout catholic, so you are wasting your time here, but my neighbour might be open to it. He recently experienced a great loss in the family, and I think he's still in mourning, having trouble with coping. He's quite shy and not very good at asking for or accepting help, so you might have to push him a bit."

The two looked at Regulus with a strange mix of sorrow and eagerness on their faces when learning that someone was in need of spiritual guidance. So they thanked him and promised to help his neighbour.

o0o0o

The doorbell rang several times before a tired Remus opened his front door. To his dismay he found two Jehovah's witnesses standing outside on his porch.

"Good morning, my child," said the oldest of the two men. "We are here to offer comfort and guidance. May we come in?"

"Um," Remus started and scratched his hair, still hiding halfway behind the door. "I'm not really decent right now. May I ask to what I owe the pleasure?"

"We are here to talk about our lord and saviour," the younger man said with a smile. "We understand you are in need of guidance. We are so sorry about your loss."

"My loss?" Remus asked, confused.

"We all experience grief some time in our life but with the Lord's guidance and comfort the pain can be eased and you can find peace instead of despair. We are here as his shepherds, helping stray sheep into the flock, safe from the wolves."

"I'm not a stray sheep. And what do you mean, grief? Listen, it's nice of you to offer me support but really, I'm fine," Remus smiled.

"We all need help and support, there is no shame in that and it is not a sigh of weakness - on the contrary: an intelligent and courageous man knows his limits and is not afraid to reach out to God for help."

"We understand that you are shy and find it hard to let people in," said the other man, "but you need not take a lot of initiative - just allow us to help and we will guide you. The whole flock - and we are many - will welcome you into the family and take good care of you. People like you will find that everything becomes much easier when just they dare take the first step and allow others to help them."

"No... I'm good, really," Remus said. "I respect your beliefs, but I am not religious and not interested."

Regulus stood watching from his open doorway, enjoying every second. It was too far away for him to make out what they were saying, but Lupin's body language and expressions spoke their clear language of how uncomfortable he was and how he was trying to get them to leave.

It took the best of fifteen minutes until the missionaries finally gave up and left. Just as Remus was about to close the door he spotted Regulus standing in his doorway, arms folded and a large grin on his face. Remus gritted his teeth, glaring at the younger man. Oh, he was going to get some sort of payback. And soon.

o0o0o

Regulus enjoyed the rest of the afternoon, the look on Lupin's face when he spotted him still fresh in his mind. Around 5 o'clock he went into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea and noticed his neighbour and dog on the pavement in front of his house. No, the dog was on his lawn. Pooping.

Remus pulled out a bag to pick up after Moony, but then pondered for a moment before putting the bag back in his pocket. Remus always, always, cleaned up after his dog, but there was a first time for everything, wasn't there?

Regulus clenched his teeth and tightened his fists, intending to rush out the door and give Lupin a good dressing down. But then he thought better of it. No, a more creative revenge was better. He suspected that Lupin almost enjoyed the direct confrontations, so he was going to go another way this time.

o0o0o

A few days passed and everything seemed to have settled down. Remus hadn't had any run-ins with Regulus and it felt good to have a bit of peace and quiet. That was until Remus' phone rang. And rang. And rang. Every time he picked up, someone was asking about his car and if it had been sold yet and how come it was so cheap? After the fifth person had called, Remus suspected that his dear neighbour might know what this was about. Irritated, he walked over and knocked on Regulus' door. When opened, Remus didn't even give him a chance to say a word. "Did you put my car up for sale?"

"Did I what?" asked Regulus, putting a hand to his chest and looking so exaggeratedly surprised that it was clear that he was guilty and not trying to hide it. "I have nothing to do with that, but I do think it's a good idea to get rid of that piece of shite."

Remus clenched his fists. "Take the bloody ad down!"

"I can't, even if I wanted to. It's in a printed paper. But I'm sure people will stop noticing it soon. Not many keep their papers lying around. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do," he finished and closed the door in Remus' face.

Remus stared at the closed door for a minute before heading back to his house, pondering all the while how to get back at Black for this one. Were things getting out of hand? No. Black was asking for it and Remus had become good and proper annoyed by the many phone calls. He just had to come up with a fitting pay-back.

Remus poured himself a cup of coffee and settled on the settee, zapping lazily through the channels on the telly. He stopped when stumbling upon a documentary about male strippers, a wide smile spreading on his lips. Black had made an ad for Remus' car, so wasn't it only fair to give him a taste of his own medicine? Remus logged onto the internet, found a local gay site and composed a stripper ad, describing his obnoxious neighbour as young, slender, beautiful and sexy (which was, in fact, all true, Remus had to admit.) He wrote that Regulus didn't wish to be contacted by phone but rather personally at his address. He added the address, which interested people had to pay a fee to see. Even though he was rather angry at his neighbour, he didn't want to flaunt Black's address for everyone to see. Remus wasn't that mean.

o0o0o

The doorbell rang and Regulus got up from his chair in the kitchen. He was wearing a pair of tight jeans and a blue button-up shirt, the two top buttons undone.

On the doorstep stood two middle-aged men. They both looked him up and down and grinned. "Blimey - you weren't lying," said one.

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "Of course, I wasn't lying. I'm not a liar. What on earth are you talking about?"

"Well," one started with a flirtatious smile. "We would like to hire you to strip at our event next weekend. If you move as well as you look, all the lads are gonna love it!"

"What?" said Regulus, incredulous. "Strip for you? Are you mental?"

"Eh…" The two men looked utterly perplexed. One of the men looked at the house number. "It's the right address, as stated in the ad."

"The ad? What the fuck? Is this a joke? Have you been stalking me or something?"

The men exchanged puzzled looks before one took out his phone and showed the display to Regulus.

Regulus stared at the ad on the display. Then he looked up at the man. "I have not made that! Someone must be playing a prank! Do I look like a stripper to you?"

"Well," he said, clearly considering his answer carefully. "You do have the looks for it…."

Regulus felt his face go red "OUT!" he said, pointing to the street. "Fuck off and don't come back!"

When they had left, Regulus found the ad on his own mobile and marched over to hammer on Lupin's door. When it was opened, he shoved the mobile up in Lupin's face. "YOU DID THIS! I KNOW IT!"

Remus looked at it for a second and then at Regulus. "Congratulations on your new job. I always knew you were a kinky bastard underneath that prudish exterior."

"Fuck off! You've crossed the line now, Lupin! This is your payback for the ad I put in last week, yeah? Well - this is much worse! I sold your wreck of a car - you sold my body!"

"Woah," Remus said. "If I were the one who did this, I technically only sold a dance or two. I didn't sell you for a sleepover."

"Yeah? That'll be your next trick, yeah? Advertising me as a prostitute!"

"Relax," Remus said. "I'm not that cruel."

"Really?" said Regulus, folding his arms. "I'm not so sure anymore of just what you're willing to do. You're a nutter and I hate you!" he finished and marched back to his own house.

Remus kept an eye on his neighbour's house the rest of the day. He spotted three more people arriving but they all stopped at the door and then went back to their cars. The next morning he saw one more. What had Black done to send them off so quickly? Curious, he decided to take Moony for a walk in the direction where he would pass Black's house. Once in front of the house he saw that a note had been stuck to the door. Checking that the windows were empty, he snuck a bit up the path so he could get close enough to read the note. It read:

FAKE ADVERTISEMENT! FUCK OFF!

Remus chuckled to himself. What had he expected it so say? I'm not a stripper!? No, his neighbour wasn't about to announce that to the whole neighbourhood.