Authors Note: I started writing this story after Artful Dodger, it has taken me a year and have to complete. I have 40,000 words written with 3/4 of the story edited, decided to start posting as I clean up the last few chapters. Parts of this story flowed out of me without effort and other parts fought me for every word. I decided to leave Zoe out of the story and for those looking for TIVA, I don't write TIVA. I also write Senior as he was described in the earlier season, a neglectful parent, who had little time for his son, this is how I still see him even though they did try to soften him up in later season, despite this I love Robert Wagner and he seems to have a real bond with Michael Weatherly.
Disclaimer: I do not have any affiliation with CBS or NICS, just love to write the characters, especially Tony, if you look beyond the mask you find a deeply wounded, complex character. I was sorry to see MW go, but he has given us 300 episodes of Tony DiNozzo, with so much material can keep writing new stories as long as one has an imagination.
I don't use a beta, so all errors are mine, I do want to thank my wonderful wife for proofreading draft after draft of this story, thought it seems no matter how much I proofread, little errors slip by.
Thank you to all the readers, to fully bring a story to life, it must be shared. I hope you enjoy this story and I will be posting on regular basis.
Story takes place after The Artful Dodger: S12E17 aired March 10, 2015, references Cadence: S12 E14 aired 2/10/15 and earlier episodes
Summary: Takes place after Artful Dodger, Tony is reeling from his fathers visit and Gibbs constant dismissal. Tony considers his place on the team, when Gibbs and Tim are pulled away on case, a cold-case takes Tony places he never imagined and he is not sure he can survive. Will Gibbs and the team get to him on time and will Gibbs finally be able to tell him why he was pushing Tony away or is it to late. A/U, no Zoe, Swearing, rape, assault, murder, kidnapping, hurt, comfort.
Story takes place after The Artful Dodger: S12E17 aired March 10, 2015, references Cadence: S12 E14 aired 2/10/15 and earlier episodes
Self Deception
Chapter One:
Tony accompanied his father out and loaded his luggage into the waiting taxi. Standing in the cold night air, Tony watched as the taxi pull away. Shaking his head, he wondered if his father really thought he had bought all the bull, about being an entrepreneur. No matter what you called him, Anthony DiNozzo, Sr. was a con man. His premise was; if he believed in the projects he became involved with than he was an entrepreneur. Tony knew this was crap; his father only cared about the profit. It wasn't as if Senior got involved in projects that actually benefited people or anything for that matter, except him self and the investors. Heading back in, he took a quick shower, put on sweats, and sat on the sofa. Every time he had to deal with his father he was left feeling out of balance, this time was no different, if anything he felt worse.
Thinking back to what Senior had said, as they stood by the door saying good-bye, Tony felt the anger build inside him. Senior wanted him to be proud, proud of the man his father was, wanted him to look at him with love and respect, but nowhere in the conversation did Senior say I love you, at no time did he say he was proud of his son, if anything he had been very quick to introduce Tim as his offspring and had made up a profession that he found more acceptable than a cop, turned Special Agent.
Leaning back, Tony thought; the years with little or no contact with his father had been easier, heck he still didn't list his father as his emergency contact. For years his father had been unreachable, when he was in the hospital with the plague, Kate in an attempt to help had tried to reach his father, the man never called back or checked to see how his son was doing, just had his secretary send flowers. He'd come to accept his father's absence, expecting nothing from the man. Maybe it was Senior's advancing years, his sense of his own mortality or maybe because chasing deals was no longer easy; for whatever reason, Senior now waltzed in and out whenever it suited him and Tony was supposed to be happy and welcoming.
His father manipulated his feelings, his desire for a better relationship and in the end Tony was left feeling empty both emotionally and financially as Senior always took what he wanted and gave nothing back in return. Even harder was that at each visit, Senior charmed his co-workers; leaving them thinking Tony was an ungrateful son, as they went out of their way to accommodate the Senior DiNozzo.
Standing, Tony walked to the bookcase and grabbed the framed picture of himself with his mother. Taken a year before she died it was one of the few pictures he had of the two of them. She had been a beautiful woman, with flowing brown hair and green eyes. When she smiled, it was as if the room was lite with sunshine, unfortunately those moments had been far too rare. Holding the picture in one hand he traced her face with his finger, his vision blurring with unshed tears.
He would never forget the night she died. He had been left with her in the hospital, his father off somewhere closing another deal. When Senior came back several days later it was to bury his wife, not comfort a grieving child. Tony remembered, several weeks after her death, Senior found him crying, curled up in a ball under his mother's piano, hugging sheets of music. Senior hauled him out by his arm, in a quiet, menacing tone he reminded Tony that he was a DiNozzo and DiNozzo's don't cry. Without another word, Senior snatched the sheet music, grabbed his hand, dragged him to the back patio and made him watch as each sheet was burned. On that day what was left of his childhood died.
For the next four years, he had a series of Nannies, Stepmothers and disastrous trips. In Hawaii, Senior left him alone in a hotel for three days, he never found out what had been so important. At age 12, he was disowned and sent off to boarding schools and summer camps. He rarely saw his father, spending holidays at school or with classmates. His father paid the tuition and sent a small allowance, until Tony turned 18, then he was on his own.
Still standing, holding the picture in his hands, he wondered what would have been different if his mother had not died so young. She was not the most nurturing of parents but they had felt like a family when she was alive, at least when she wasn't drinking. She had given him some precious gifts: his love of music, especially the piano and his love of movies. At the piano and at the theater she was happy, attentive and loving, those moments belonged to just the two of them; maybe this was why he could not play for others. Closing his eyes he could feel himself sitting next to her at the piano, taking his little hand, too small to reach across the keys in hers. With long slender fingers, she showed him how to play the notes and with quiet patience taught him to read the music.
The woman, who spent time with him at the piano and at the movies was his Mom, at those times he could call her Mummy, in keeping with her English upbringing, she would laugh with him, hug him and give him warm kisses. He would pray each night that this was the mother he would wake too. At other times, she was distant and cold, treating him like a possession to show off, dressing him in little sailor suits and he would need to address her by the more formal 'Mother'. To survive he learned to read her moods, he knew when she welcomed his presence and when he needed to stay out of her way. Reading people was a skill he carried into adulthood. Wiping a stray tear from his eyes, he gently placed the framed photo back on the shelf, over the years he tried to focus on the good times with her, having long forgiven her for not always being the mother he wanted or needed.
His relationship with his father was more complicated, as they had years of hurt and neglect to overcome, without few good memories to link them. At this moment he was not sure what he wanted from the relationship. Tony felt conflicted, he did love his father, but he did not like him very much and he was not proud of him.
Heading to the kitchen he grabbed a cold beer and went back to sit on the sofa, taking a long draw from the bottle, he placed it on a coaster. Leaning back, he wondered why his team, including Gibbs were so willing to let Senior in.
On this last case, the team started the meeting with his father without him. When he had walked into the conference room he was shocked to find his father sitting at the head of the table, surrounded by items taken from his desk. Gibbs, Tim and Ellie sat around Senior, as if he was leading the meeting.
He could not believe it when Gibbs agreed to send Senior off with Tim. When had Gibbs ever let an untrained outsider be part of an undercover mission, an elderly untrained man at that? It was one thing to let Ducky go, while Ducky never said so exactly, not all the "operations" he had been part of, took place in a surgical suite. The meeting had broken up shortly after he arrived and they had not even taken the time to give him a full update. Tim smirked, as he walked out, telling him all the assignments had been handed out.
Tony had gathered his things and headed back to his desk, while he waited for his "assignment" if Gibbs even remembered to include him. Jimmy Palmer still on paternity leave, stopped to visit. Clearly in love with his baby girl, he told Tony how worried he'd been as she experienced her first illness. Hoping that at least Jimmy would understand, Tony told him about his father's most recent visit. As their friendship evolved over the years, Jimmy was one of the few who knew some of the details of Tony's childhood. Maybe Jimmy was now more empathic to Senior because he was a new dad, but it felt as if Senior won again, as Jimmy, in essence told him to cut his father some slack.
Tony did not even know how to respond. Poor, misunderstood Anthony DiNozzo Sr. still grieving the loss of his beloved wife, left alone with a difficult 8-year, it wasn't his fault he could not spend time with his son; he had to work to provide for his only child. It wasn't his fault; he had to ship his son off to boarding schools and summer camps, because he could not get along with the growing string of ever-younger stepmothers. It wasn't his fault that sometimes he had to use corporal punishment, maybe a belt was over the top by today's standards but it was acceptable in the 1970's. What was he to do, when Tony destroyed his property, using a very expensive ski suit as a Halloween costume? Hell even to this day, his Boss had to give him a smack on the back of the head to stay focused.
No, it was never Senior's fault. Tony was a messed up kid, no wonder his father would rather pretend that Tim was his son. Would rather tell his friends and acquaintances that his son was a catalog model, because being in law enforcement was not prestigious or glamorous enough. But, Tony was supposed to introduce his father with pride, when his father could not accept who he was, had never shown any pride in him.
It was a shame that Coach Tanner, a man that had been in his life for just a year at Remington Military Academy, had thought more of him than his own father, had seen potential in him and had been able to express his feelings, telling Tony that he was proud of the man he'd become, while his father could not.
Sighing, Tony took another sip of his beer, he was tired but as wound up as he was right now, he'd never be able to sleep. Changing clothes, he went out for a run. With the onset of middle age, his weight had crept up. Dr. Brad Pitt, who had saved his life when he had the plague, warned him that his scarred lungs could not take the added weight. Concerned, that his status as a field agent could be in jeopardy, he started working out again. The result was a 45lb weight loss, his stamina increased and he actually enjoyed running again. When time allowed, Brad would join him and together they had trained for and completed a triathlon last summer. Brad as fate would have it, had not only played football against him in college, but was the one who broke his leg in the game that ended his chance of going pro.
Participating in the triathlon was a boost to his damaged ego; he'd taken vacation time and none of his co-workers had an inkling. As they crossed the finish line, the only one there to cheer them on was Brad's wife, Emma. Emma had been his nurse at Bethesda, while he recovered from the plague. Brad and Emma married a year later.
Running also let him relax and gave him an outlet for the ongoing stress of the job, in particular the change in his relationship with Gibbs. Hard as he tried, he could not figure out what he had done too piss off the man. Once he thought they were friends, he really did not want to think about his real feelings but now it really didn't make any difference, Gibbs always avoided him and when he addressed him it was always terse.
Senior staying with Gibbs this visit had been a mistake, he was sure Gibbs would find a way to punish him for that. He'd been surprised that Gibbs had even let Senior stay but then had promptly kicked them both out, obviously annoyed that he had been dragged into the middle of the DiNozzo drama.
It also bothered him that his private life and work life had intersected too often of late. Tim would be surprised but he really was a very private person. With his father involved in this latest case, Gibbs had used his personal life to weave the code word 'precious' into the meeting at the Adam's House, with Tim, Bishop and the backup team listening. Maybe, Gibbs was trying to get his father to understand, but he did not need to make it public. It bothered Tony that everyone felt they had a right to meddle in his relationship with his father. In reality there was no one in his life that made him feel wanted or precious and Gibbs and Senior were at the top of that list.
It wasn't just this incident; the universe was playing jokes on him or maybe it was just bad karma but just a month earlier they had end up with a case that involved Remington Military Academy in Rhode Island, the last military boarding school he had attended. Gibbs showed little concern for his feelings, sending him to Rhode Island. He tried to explain that he needed time to wrap his head around going back; Gibbs, calling him Skippy in a sarcastic tone, told him he would have the ride up to pull it together. Gibbs could have gotten a team from the Newport office to conduct the interviews at RMA, but Gibbs insisted he make the 8-hour drive with Bishop. The whole freaking trip was a nightmare, except connecting with an old classmate. RMA was a part of his life he thought deeply buried, all of this was too much and it left him feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Luckily, Ellie Bishop was astute enough to see how hard this was for him. She had not used what she found to tease him but rather tried to get him to see he had nothing to be ashamed of, that he was a good person.
Unfortunately, by the age of 17 he had already internalized all the negative things said about him by his father and teachers, he had felt alone and abandoned. His father disowning him, getting kicked out of one boarding school after another, being told he would never amount to anything and would end up the gutter; those were the feeling he still carried deep inside. He used humor and pranks to keep anyone from looking too closely. If they thought he was a shallow womanizer they would not look any deeper, but he hoped that after working with the Gibbs and the team for years, they would have taken the time to get to known him better.
There was a time when he thought Gibbs could see the real Tony behind the mask, maybe the years of deception and distrust that had infiltrated the team over the past decade had changed Gibbs opinion of him, made it hard for the team to accept him any other way.
Ellie was a welcome addition. With a fresh eye, not jaded by the past, she treated him with respect and he enjoyed their playful bantering but what Tony really longed for was the relationship he once had with Gibbs.
The Gibbs who would take him in when his heat was out, the Gibbs that let him sit on the basement step for hours without ever a word spoken between them, yet he would leave feeling as if he had worked out, whatever issues had been bothering him. He would keep working for the man as long as he was wanted, he would always have his six, but Tony knew he had been replaced as heir to the throne.
At 45, he had now been at NCIS for about 14 years, working with Gibbs as a two-man team for the first 2 years. His career had become stagnant. He should have had his own team a long time ago. Director Shepard offered him a team lead in Rota, Spain, but he turned it down, the timing was not right, worried that Gibbs still had some gaps in his memory after getting seriously injured in that explosion, loosing all memories of the last 15 years and running off for four months to Mexico. No, leaving had not been an option, someone had to lookout for the Boss.
Director Vance never made a similar offer but he did allow SecNav to use him for a secretive mission during that the whole mess with E.J. Barrett and Cage. He was also willing to leave him hanging after the whole Rivkin affair.
Rivkin was Mossad Kidon working illegally in the United States. Rivkin killed an FBI agent and he was the one to 'take one for the team'. No one, not even Gibbs had bothered to stand up for him, letting them drag him off to Israel, after several days without sleep, his arm broken and his body covered in bruises from his fight with the Mossad operative. In Israel, they let Eli David question him alone, no support or legal representation. Luckily he had bested Eli and gotten him to admit that Rivkin was working under orders. Ziva only added to his injuries when she knocked him down and stuck a gun in his chest. He had not bothered reporting her; neither Gibbs nor Vance would have believed him or they would have made excuses for her. When he returned home, Ducky scolded him for being careless, as his broken arm had to be reset. Tim and Abby blamed him for Ziva staying in Israel, how quickly they overlooked her passing on information to her father and hiding a Mossad operative in the US illegally.
Running around the last corner, he headed back to his apartment. Tony wondered how things could have gotten so messed up, as a young police officer he had shown promise, becoming one of the youngest detectives in Baltimore, PD history. The move to NCIS was supposed to be a step up in the career ladder, but in reality it became a step to nowhere. Maybe it was time to explore something else, he had enough years in to take early retirement, he could transfer to another office or even another agency.
Who was he kidding, his time was past, if he applied for another job, they would wonder why he had been in the same position for so many years, they would question his ambition. At one time, his skill in undercover work would have been coveted, but that was for a younger man, he was now too old to be credible in most of the cases they investigated and he did not have the heart and desire to be undercover for months at a time. After Jeanne Benoit, he could not do that again.
Letting himself into his apartment, he grabbed a quick shower and tried to get a few hours of sleep. After, tossing and turning he gave up about 4:30, getting dressed, he headed to the Navy Yard, even stopping at the coffee shop to pick up breakfast for the team he was in by 5:30.
