First of all, I want to take this time to apologize for all the people who are waiting for me to continue All I Ever Wanted. I am severely stuck at the moment with the story, and chances are I'm going to rewrite it, so please be patient.

Also, this is going to be a new thing for me. This isn't exactly a story, more as a collection of lost letters both Olivia and Alex wrote to each other while Alex was in WPP. I say lost because as we all know, Olivia didn't know Alex as, and Alex couldn't send them in chance that she was found by Velez, so I'm gonna try this out, please let me know what you think!


November 2003.

Dearest Olivia,

This is honestly the twentieth time I have tried to begin this letter to you. Dear Liv, Liv, To Whom This May Concern, Olivia, Dear Best Friend, and so on are how I've started a few of them. Even though I know I will never be able to send this letter to you, I believe this may be therapeutic to me, and it may get me through each and every day. I've been in witness protection for a month. One whole month and I'm already bored out of my mind. Of course I am filled with regret, guilt, fear, and believe it or not, some serenity. I regret not telling you every little detail about me and my life. I'm full of guilt because I got myself into this situation by not leaving my mouth shut. I fear my life ever day, still. I always have to look behind me and make sure no one is following me. Yet even though I am terrified of anyone finding me, I'm filled with this serene feeling. I catch myself from time to time smiling because I close my eyes, and all I can see are your chocolate brown orbs, saving my life.

You have no idea how grateful I am for you, Liv. Granted, at first I wish you would have just let me die there because I didn't want to leave my life behind; now I am so relieved you put all your pressure on my shoulder to stop me from bleeding out. I know you're probably angry with me, and I don't blame you. But I also hope you can forgive me and can understand why I had to leave. I knew that If I had stayed, I would most definitely be dead by now. There is just no doubt in my mind that Velez would've had his goons hunt me down till the day I die, and unfortunately, it was just easier to make everyone believe that I was dead. You and Elliot are the only ones that know that I am alive. I hate myself so much for not being able to tell my mother that I am safe, and that she had to go through the heartbreak of thinking I was gone. My mother and I didn't always get along, but she's my mother, and I knew she loved me. It breaks my heart knowing that she is probably at peace with the fact that I'm not with my father. At the same time, that puts me at ease, because if she believes that and it makes her days easier, then I think I made the right choice. I'm always going to have doubts in my mind if I made the right choice. There's just no ifs, ands, or buts about that.

I hope I didn't hurt you and Elliot too much. Scratch that. I Hope I didn't hurt you too much. Elliot and I always butted heads and I'm sure he may be somewhat relieved I'm not there. It gives him a new ADA to rough up and acts like a muscle head to. But you… You were… you ARE my best friend. Granted, we didn't exactly get along either when I first became your ADA, but you were the only one to truly open up to me. Sure, there was Munch, but come on now, he's all about his conspiracies and theories and that's just not me. In my life, things are either black or white, no gray area. Except for one thing; you. You were that grey area for me. You tore down your walls, and caused me to break down mine as well. I've never really had friends. I did have this one friend back in like my sophomore year of high school; her name was Jessica. We hit it off immediately. She was a new student that year and she transferred from some school down in New Jersey. Now I know you know about that "Jersey Reputation", where the girls are all prissy and rich snobs… But Jess, she was completely different. Sure, her family came from money, but she didn't act the same as other girls did. She was extremely nice and she had a warm heart. I never understood how a girl could be so amazing and so sweet. Then one day I went over her house to check on her because she wasn't in school for a week, and I saw that she had moved. I saw her neighbor outside mowing his lawn and I asked him when they moved, and if he knew why. He told me that their family was so heartbroken over her death that they had to move back to Jersey two days ago to be with family. I asked him about whose death, and he said Jess. He told me that her father was a belligerent drunk and came home one night and found out she was having trouble in one of her classes, so he beat her into a coma. She had such massive brain swelling that she didn't last three days, and her mother had to pull the plug. My heart instantly broke knowing my one best friend was murdered by her own father. Stuff like that never happens around here, and to find that out was just so traumatizing. My mom and dad both tried to comfort me at the time, but I was just so depressed that I didn't want to hear any of it.

Her death was truly a turning point in my life. That was when I knew I wanted to help people, somehow. I started to really amp up my school work and do my best. Why am I telling you all of this? I don't know… Maybe because I feel bad knowing that I never did… There are just so many stories I wish I could have told you back when we had lunch so many times, back when you were always staying over my apartment, but that's all lost now. You weren't just my best friend Liv; I truly believe you were the love of my life. I never liked women before you, and I never thought I would. I don't believe I am gay or whatever, but I do believe that I am in love with one woman, and that woman is you. You are the love of my life, not were. Who knows, even if I do end up meeting someone here, I know it won't amount into anything. Having someone here will just fill the void known as Olivia Benson. Just know one thing Liv, even if I don't get out of WPP for twenty years, you'll still be the only one for me.

I love how I put so much heavy stuff in the first letter to you. I'm sorry. Once I start writing I just can't stop. Here I am, sitting in Wisconsin at a small picnic table in my backyard, crying my eyes out as I write most of this letter. I can't believe I got this far without completely breaking down… The first ten times I attempted to write this letter, the moment I started to write your name, I just broke down. I miss you. I miss you so much. And I hope you can forgive me one day. I hope that if I ever get out of here and back to New York, you'll still be there waiting for me…

I can only hope..

My love is lost.
But is my love lost forever?
I fear it is so.
My love was once great,
But my love is no more.
My love is like the sun at night...
It is not there.
My love was once as bright as the sun,
Now my love is dull as a light gray rock.
My love used to be courageous as a lion,
But now she is as useless as a bow.
My love used to have eyes that sparkled
Like the stars in the night.
My love is gone now. My love has been taken.
But where to? I don't know.
But I do know that I shall never see or touch my love again.
She is gone...