Roll Call, or Why people are so blase about Kim & Co.
It was morning at Middleton High School, and Steve Barkin started the worst chore of the day.
Roll Call.
Other schools had it easy, but not here. The students were bored, but then they had no idea what this entailed.
"wilson!"
"Here!"
"Michael!"
"Here!"
And of course the Librarian had some how alphabetized the attendance list using her own...special, system. Barkin thought morosely. Ah, here was a bright spot.
"Flanner!"
...
"Flanner?"
"...killyou eatyour brains, destroy all things for those that CHEW the walls of space." Barkin paused and looked at her mad, staring eyes, the fact that she appeared to be wearing an octopus on her head and the flesh bound tome in front of her.
"Ah, your literature project: 'proving the mythos is a fake' has ran into a snag?"
"KILL YOU, KILL YOU FOR HIM! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" She leaped for Steve, fingers curled into talons, but Big Mike made the intercept.
"Mr. Barkin?" Big Mike asked, holding the shrieking ball of insane honor student.
"Yes, yes, I'm certain the nurse has some sedatives for her."
Bearing his frothing charge, Big Mike left, as Barkin searched for his name and marked him present.
"Rockwaller?"
Silence again.
"Bonnie Rockwaller?"
"Here!" Tara said chirpily, putting what appeared to be an opossum with a bow in it's hair on Rockwaller's desk, which glared at Mr. Barkin, "On the way to school, we sort of got in the middle of a fight between DNAmy and that monkey guy." The cheerleader frowned, "Or maybe it was foreplay."
A shudder ran through the classroom, not the least through Barkin's frame. But he persevered. "And Rockwaller?"
"Oh, she got shot with a...Genetic comboing field." The perky blonde pulled out a note with hearts and flowers on it. "Miss Amy gave me this." She cleared her throat, "Tell Stevey Weavy that Little Miss Grumpy Pants will be right as rain in about a day...or maybe less. Love and Kisses You-"
"-That's enough...we get the point." Barkin replied, shuddering again. He looked over at the next two on his list. Monique Jones who thankfully looked normal, and Alex Sapphic, who appeared to be a cyborged warrior with only one natural eye, casually examining her ugly looking pistol with her glowing cyborg eye.
"Need I ask?"
"Ask away, Chummer." Alex said, "Was doing a run against Saeder Krupp when this gateway opens up and dumps me here. Hope your Alex is pretty whiz, because the old snake was about two feet behind me."
"Old Snake?"
"Lowfyr." She said, grinning. Barkin decided not to press it.
"Pan dimensional Vortex Thingie." Monique supplied. Barkin sighed and marked them both present, noting the "parallel universe duplicate" box next to Sapphic's name.
Finally it was over. The various students, some looking normal, some looking...different, marched out. Just another day at Middleton save for...
Two panting teens burst into homeroom.
"Mr. Barkin, I'm sorry!" Kim said, "I know we're late but-"
"Can it possible." Barkin said, "What was it? Mad scientist?"
"No."
"Alien invasion?"
"No."
"Mystic ritual gone horribly wrong?"
"No."
"Mystic ritual gone horribly right?"
"No."
"Got turned into a monkey again?"
"No!"
Barkin blinked.
"Then what was it?"
"Flat tire." Ron supplied.
"No." Ron and Kim blinked.
"What?"
"There is..." Barkin felt his reserve cracking, "No place on this form for a flat tire!"
"But..."
"Do you want detention Possible?"
"No!"
"Then what was it?"
Ron cleared his throat. "On the way to school the car was disabled by a mystic ritual gone horribly right cast by the vanguard of an alien invasion, aided by a mad scientist who also turned Kim into a Monkey?"
"Ah." Barkin said in satisfaction. "I have a check box for that."
End.
