AN: This is a Sylarmance! Okay, it's a parody Sylarmance. This came into my head at work, so I just thought I should share. Oh, and later chapters will have Parody!Slash, so if you can't even take that much, just read this first one. But seriously, who doesn't love disturbing mock-pairing? Well, some people…whatever. Just read. Or not.
One day Sylar was scrolling through Heroes fanfiction and it finally occurred to him: a lot of fanfic writers can't spell for beans. It also occurred to him that although there was a plethora (big word that didn't come from the thesaurus) of Sylaire (SylarxClaire) fics, there were very few of SylarxOther. No, not OCs. Even Sylar fears a Mary Sue. It was just sad that the only Sylarmance he got was with an underage cheerleader. He's freakin' Sylar! He's not a touchy-feely-chipper-happy monogamous person! It was at that moment, he realized he had to get back in the Game. The Game. Not the crappy CW show, but The Game.
So Sylar did that really-careful-combing-hair thing that he does, put on a nice sweater-vest and went out into the dating world.
OPTION #1-Niki Sanders
Niki was hot. Well not really 'hot', she was kind of old-looking and sort of emaciated, but compared to the rest of the 18+ women of Heroes, she was hot.
Sylar found Niki at Victoria's Secret, in the fitting room. He was kicked through the door and halfway across the store.
"Wanna go out with me?" He asked, and pulled out the now smashed rose he had bought all for her.
"I'm married." She said.
Sylar's heart was torn asunder, and he thought he might die.
"And you're creepy." She added.
"Please, haven't you hurt me enough?" He begged. So Sylar ran off, sobbing, unaware that if he had killed DL he would have a pretty good shot with her.
OPTION#2-Simone Deveaux, or Devereaux. Or whatever she feels like.
Simone was…well…she was…she had money?
So Sylar went on his merry way to wherever it was that Simone lived and knocked on the door. She answered and did not kick him. He was off to a good start.
"Wanna go out with me?" He asked, holding the smashed rose that he got all just for her once Niki turned him down. Sort of. She didn't actually say No. And Sylar has yet to realize this.
"Actually, I'm already dating a guy and cheating on him."
"What? But…" And Sylar was speechless, the rending of his soul to painful for words.
"Who are you?" She asked, unlucky to have not had the Sylar Experience.
"I AM SYLAR!"
And he sliced open her head and did something with her brain, but was disappointed when he didn't get her totally awesome power, because she was a muggle…uh non-powerfied person.
OPTION#3-Audrey Hanson
Audrey was…female. At least, he thought she was female. He couldn't be sure. So he followed her to the restroom and looked over the stall…
And she was pointing a gun at him. And still had pants on.
"Why did you follow me? You some kind of perv?"
"No. Wanna go out with me?"
"What? No!"
"Really? I am Teh HAWTNESS!"
"You spy on me in the restroom and then ask me out!? You're psycho."
"But underneath this psychopathic exterior there is a sad little mama's boy."
"That ain't helping your case."
"Oh. Well under that is a narcissistic, psychopathic, OCD freak."
"Get out of here!"
Sylar's hear was again, ruptured beyond repair and he slunk off into sadness.
OPTION #4…
He couldn't remember Option 4
OPTION#5-Eden McCain aka Sarah Ellis
Eden was cute. Unfortunately, she wanted to kill him and he kind of killed her before. Or she shot herself. But it's still all the same. So Sylar went to her grave.
"Wanna go out with me?"
"No" Wrote itself in blood on her tombstone.
"Why?"
"Duh"
"Because I made you have to kill yourself?"
"Bingo. Oh, and I hate you."
"So?"
"Hate/Love doesn't work outside fanfics."
"This is a fanfic."
"Damn."
"So? Wanna go out?"
"I'm a little dead today, come back tomorrow."
"Okay! Woo!" Sylar was very pleased, until he realized she would be dead tomorrow as well. So, having a tiny moment of humanity, he left the smashed rose on her grave.
"I'll never forget you, girl with short hair."
"My name is written on the frickin' tombstone!"
"Sarah. I'll always love you. I'll never let go. I'll wait for you."
"Uh…"
"I'll get you back!"
And with that he ran off like a girl. To return to the dating world.
Once Sylar was gone, Charlie Andrew's tombstone bled.
"He forgot me!"
"How sad." Eden bled back.
"But my power was super eidetic memory…"
"Ironic."
"You're just happy cuz you have a date!"
"Yay me."
