Yippee skippy! The story can begin!!

BUMLETS: *cough*DISCLAIMER!*cough*

Oh, wait.. I gotta do the blasted disclaimer first. *grumbles curses under her breath* Hookay. So I don't own "Newsies" (though I guess Disney doesn't own them either since they don't give them ANY of their attention. Growl.) But Disney owns them, so I don't, and neither does Sapphy. *consoles Sapphy and herself with a happy box of chocolate-covered newsies* Sh-yeah.

SAPPHY: Yuck. I think I got a Pulitzer! *spits it out*

Okay... first, must pay homage to the great and powerful Sapphy *fanfare* for helping me mucho much with this whole endeavor. *Huggles Sapphy* Okay, everyone! Now, every hour, ON the hour, we bow and pay our respects to her, understand?!!

RACETRACK: Ya damn straight! *smiles at Sapphy*

SAPPHY: *gets a devilish glint in her eye and pulls RACE into STAGEY'S spacious walk-in closet* Welp! This is your baby now, Stagey! Call me when you need me! *from inside the closet* Racey... I've been waitin' for this moment for a long time...

RACETRACK: *from inside the closet* WOOHOO!

Ah, my kingdom for seven minutes in heaven... *grins wickedly at JACK who averts his eyes nervously*

**********************************************************

So... the story! HA! RIGHT! Here's our lovely story! Do enjoy it, won't you?

STAGEY: *to audience* It was a dark and stormy night.

AUDIENCE: *stares blankly*

STAGEY: No really!! It was! And so anyhow, on this dark and stormy night, I was IMing my best e-pal, Sapphy...

SAPPHY: *typing to STAGEY* Well, I still think Patrick is Snipeshooter... He has to be! There! That's it! I solved the mystery! Case closed! *Smiles proudly*



STAGEY: *typing to SAPPHY* Aw, yay! I'm so proud! *applauds wildly*

SAPPHY: *still typing* *Takes a bow* Thank you. Thank you... Heh heh...

STAGEY: *still typing* Aw, crap.. this storm is sucky. I think I'd better go.

SAPPHY: *typing* Hmm... OK, then. TTYL!

STAGEY: *is about to sign off when a wicked-bad bolt of lightning sends the computer into a frenzy* Aw, crap.

((doorbell rings))

STAGEY: What the--? *runs downstairs and opens the front door*

SAPPHY: *waves cheerfully* Stagey!!

STAGEY: *does happy dance with SAPPHY* Yay!! Wait. *pauses* How the hell did you get here?

SAPPHY: *shrugs* Don't know...

((Bet it was the lightning.))

STAGEY: *pokes SAPPHY gleefully* Aw, you're real! And you're not a beer belly-scratching stalker who poses as "Newsies" fans to hack into people's computers!! Woohoo!

SAPPHY: *majorly confused* WHAT?!

STAGEY: Sorry... wanna come in? *leads the way into her room* OoOoOh! Look at this!

((Indeed, it is a lovely still of the newsies... MID-THRUST! BWAH!))

SAPPHY: *eyes bug out* Meep. *claws longingly at the picture* You ever wonder why Race isn't in any of these thrusts? *pouts*

STAGEY: *shrugs* Don't know! *grumbles at storm outside* Better turn this artifact of a computer off, Sapph. Damn storm... *shakes fist at sky* Why, God, why?

SAPPHY: He must be angry... Or he's bowlin'... Alrighty... *waves goodbye to the picture sadly* *Pause* I'm hungry... What do you got in this place to chow on? *Walks out of the room*

STAGEY: *calls over shoulder* Cheez-Its are in the second cupboard door from the left!

SAPPHY: YAY! CHEEZ-ITS!!!! *Runs to cupboard*

STAGEY: *shakes head* You're such a goober!

SAPPHY: *Runs INTO cupboard*

STAGEY: Sapphy!! Shall I get thee a helmet? *tries to save picture but computer starts acting funky* Oh crap... Ohhhh crap.

SAPPHY: *in her happy Cheez-its world* Ow.... Hey, Stagey! Haha! Cheez-its! JACK! HAHA! I crack me up... *Rummages through cupboard*

STAGEY: *clicks furiously at computer* Ah! Sapphy.... my computer's getting crazy!! *ducks as a thunderclap sends a happy sonic boom through the house*

SAPPHY: *Runs in with a mouthfull of Cheez-its* Wha va Hell? *Swallows* What WAS that???

STAGEY: *picks head up from a haphazardly strewn pillow* Beats me!!

SAPPHY: *Continues to munch of Cheez-its* The Lord works in mysterious ways... *Pause*

STAGEY: *trying to be the smart-ass and figure things out* I don't know! I just-- *doorbell rings* Sweet Forrest Gump! Who could THAT be?

SAPPHY: Life is like a box of chocolates... And all the good ones have already been eaten, leavin' behind the crappy tastin' ones... *Nods*

STAGEY: *pauses, twitching nose* Hmm. Never thought of that! *skedaddles over to the door and flings it open* HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!

SAPPHY: MARY'S AT THE FRONT DOOR?!?!?!?! Stagey, if she's pregnant again, whatever you do, don't turn her away....

((*singing* O, Holy Night...))

STAGEY: *stunned speechless* Oh... my... God... *collapses in a heap at the door at the sight of the newsies on her front porch* *babble and drool* Meep.

SAPPHY: *Stares at the newsies* Stagey, you silly girl, that's not Mary... It's just the newsies... *Walks off* Doo bee doo...

((BWAH! SAPPHY! JUST TURN AROUND!))

SAPPHY: *From Stage's room* AHHH! *Runs back in*

RACETRACK: *rubbing head* What the HELL was that?

SAPPHY: Hubba-wha-...EEp... *Points at the boys shakily*

RACETRACK: Oh! Heh. *cocks eyebrow at Sapphy* How YOU'SE doin'?

((Sh-yes. That Racetrack is one smooooth operator!))

SAPPHY: *collapses next to STAGEY*

SPECS: Damn you, Race!

SAPPHY: *Faints*

RACETRACK: *scratches head* That ain't never happened before... *in a quick reflex, catches Sapphy*

JACK: *To Stage* Is ya friend gonna be awright??

SPOT: Dammit tah Hell Kelly! Da more important ding is wheah are we???

((Listen, you little twerp! NO one backtalks Jack Kelly-- oh my GAWD! JACK KELLY!!))

STAGEY: *babbles* Ah-herm... er... gah... bwa... *goes cross-eyed and falls again... on top of her dog Toby*

TOBY: Squeak! *gives newsies a dirty look and trots off to his supper dish*

SAPPHY: *Talking in her sleep* The sea monkeys stole my money...

DUTCHY: What the--? Sea monkeys?

LES: *whimpering* I wanna go home!

DAVEY: Shut up, you! *violently covers his mouth*

SAPPHY: *New dream* Yes, I do take Anthony Racetrack Higgins as my husband for as long as I live...

ALL NEWSIES: Whoa dere, Race!!

RACE: *blushes*

JACK: *Points and laughs at Racetrack*

BLINK: *emerges through the crowd* I smell money!! *sniffs around for the wallet in Sapphy's back pocket*

SAPPHY: *Wakes up* Stay away from my wallet you scabber! *Retreats to corner with a protective hand over her back pocket*

BLINK: *pouts* Dammit.

SAPPHY: *Looks at Stagey* What did you do to her?!?!

STAGEY: *babbles indistincty*

SAPPHY: *Pokes her*

BLINK: Wha? I didn't do a damn thing!

SAPPHY: Yes you did! *Under breath* It's always the pirates...

BLINK: *grumble* I ain't no pirate... *retreats*

STAGEY: *in her sleep, like Shawn in "Boy Meets World"* I'm going to the market to buy some eggs... rub two eggs together and you get a spark...

SAPPHY: *Pause* What am I supposed to do? *Shakes Stagey* WAKE UP! *Spots out Tumbler* OHMYGOSH! *Drops Stagey*

STAGEY: *eyes flutter open* Ooof. *and is once again rendered unconscious as Sapphy drops her*

SAPPHY: *in hot pursuit of TUMBLER* You're so cccccccuuuuuuuutttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! *Rushes over to Tumbler to cuddle him* Can I keep you?

TUMBLER: *panics and runs to the bathroom and locks the door*

SAPPHY: *Starts to kick the door in* COME BACK HERE!

RACE: *approaches Sapphy* He ain't comin' outta dere if ya keep bein' forceful.

((Aw, Sapphy! Can't ya see? Race is jus' tryin' to get yer attention!!))

SAPPHY: *Temptingly* I'll give you a cheez-it.... I mean, come on! A cheez-it!

STAGEY: *babble and drool inertly*

JACK: *Approaches Stage and picks her up* Wheah should I put 'er?

MUSH: *rubs hands evilly* Lemme have 'er!!

SAPPHY: *Half paying attention* In her room... Preferably in her bed...

((Sh-YES! Good plan, Sapphy! Jack Kelly carrying my inert shape to my bed. Don't get no better 'n' that!))

TUMBLER: *with the prospect of a Cheez-it* Uh... slip it under the door!

SAPPHY: *To Tumbler* It doesn't work that way! Please come out... *Working up some tears*

TUMBLER: *reluctantly opens door a smidgen of a crack* I opened the door! What do you want from me, huh?

SAPPHY: Please, I'm not gonna kill you! *Tear* I just love you so much! *Hugs*

TUMBLER: *smiles smugly at Race* Aw, really?

SAPPHY: *Cuddles* Yes! You are by far, the CUTEST newsie!

SPOT: Awright! Wheah da Hell are we??? *Is getting annoyed quickly*

((A-herm. What else is new?))

STAGEY: Heh-men-uh... *babbles incessantly as Mush makes a mad grab for her*



JACK: *Backs away with Stage* Stop it, Mush!



MUSH: Aw, please?



JACK: No! She's unconcious foah Christ's sake!



MUSH: *grins* I know.

((Ohhh my God.))

SPOT: No one ignores Spot Conlon...

RACE: What da hell, Spot?

SAPPHY: *Stares at Mush* Eww... Aren't you supposed to be all sweet?

MUSH: Wha? Huh? Of course I am!

SAPPHY: *To Race* Spot's talkin' to himself in the third person...



RACE: *snickers*

SAPPHY: *To Mush* you sure aren't now... That's like... Creepy-stalker crap you're pullin'...

SPOT: WHAT'S GOIN' ON?!?!?!?!

BUMLETS: Some one please answah da man befoah he explodes...?

STAGEY: *briefly opens eyes, which are glazed over* Wha? *mumbles in a sing-song voice* You're in my house... happy day... *making up a song* bum bum bum-bum...

SAPPHY: STAGEY! *Drops Tumbler and runs over to her* Are you okay????

SPOT: I's jus' tawkin' tah myself heah, ain't I?

SWIFTY: Pretty much....

STAGEY: *looks around like a drunk on crack* Me? Oh... I'm fine. I think I'll go back to my village now... *perks up enough to yell at Spot* You're in my house, dumb-ass!

SAPPHY: *Giggles at Spot* Stagey yelled at you! *Titters*

((*cracks knuckles* Yer damn straight.))

DUTCHY: *falls to the floor in a rush of giggles*

JACK: *Sets Stage down* Glad tah see youse back...

STAGEY: *wide eyed and bushy-tailed at the sight of Jack* Meep...

JACK: *Smiles dashingly*

RACE: Jack, you sure is one smooth operator!

((Ah, that he is, Race, me boy... that he is... *melts*))

STAGEY: *smiles with tongue halfway out of her mouth, looking like a complete fool*

SAPPHY: *Smacks her upside the head* Dude! Don't do that! You look like Toby!

TOBY: WOOF!

SAPPHY: *Spots out all the boys at the door* Don't be shy! Come on in! *Ignoring the fact that it's not her house*

STAGEY: *shoots Sapphy a Look*

SAPPHY: *Spots out Dutchy and Specs* OHMYGOD! Stagey!

STAGEY: Wheehee, Sapphy! Look who it is!! *gleefully skedaddles to the door*

SPECS: *scared and confused* WHA?

SAPPHY: It's my FAVORITE slashy couple! *Smiles widely*

STAGEY: Yippee!!! *happy dances with Sapphy*

SAPPHY: *Hugs Dutchy and then Specs* I love you guys!

SPECS: Uh... whatsa slashy couple?

SAPPHY: Um... Nothin'.... Never mind..... *Cough cough*

STAGEY: *stifles a giggle*



SAPPHY: *Giggles along with Stage*

((Sh-yes. Slash... like Fisher-Price: "Oh, the possibilities!"))

RACE: *to Sapphy* What's goin' on heah?

DUTCHY: Yeah, wheah are we?



SAPPHY: *Stares at all that is Racetrack* I don't know.... And I don't care... You're here! *Hugs Race* I LOVE YOU!!!!!

SARAH: *Glares at Sapphy* You just love everyone, don't you?

((And just when we think things couldn't get better, SHE had to show up.))

STAGEY: Aw, shit. What the hell are YOU doin' here?



RACE: Yeah! Shut yer face, Sarah! *smiles at Sapphy* Get 'er, Sapph!

SAPPHY: Yeah. What's so wron' with th- *Realizes it's Sarah* AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *Points at her* BITCH! BITCH! IT'S THE BITCH! *Snarls* My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father... prepare to die!

STAGEY: Yay for "Princess Bride" allusions! *dog pound: WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF!*

SAPPHY:Sword... Sword... I NEED a sword... *Snatches Les' wooden sword away from him*

LES: HEY!



SAPPHY: Shut up! Do you want to hold your precious sword? Or for me to kill your sister?

ALL NEWSIES: *chanting* KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!

STAGEY: Gah!!! BEAUTY AND THE BEAST allusions!! *titters gleefully*

((*singing* Tale as old as time...))

SAPPHY: *Pause* Wow... You ALL hate her?

STAGEY: *under her breath* Except for Jack... *growls*

DUTCHY: *Ignores Stagey* Yeah, sure! I mean, LOOK at 'er!

SAPPHY: *Turns to Stage* Bein' the one who loves Jack... Would you care to do the honors? *Holds out sword to her tantalizingly*

STAGEY: *blushes* Bite your tongue, Sapphy! I... uh, don't love Jack!! *grins devilishly* But I'd be glad to kill Sarah anyhow... *backs Sarah into a corner and hardly makes a dent since it's a wooden sword* Oh... bloody hell.

SAPPHY: *Bites tongue* Ow.... Dammit! *Looks around before grabbing Spot's cane and slingshot*

STAGEY: *runs frantically to knife drawer and pulls out the cheese grater*

SAPPHY: Heehee... I touched Spot's butt to get his slingshot.... *Grins devilishly*

((*gasp!* Sapphy! You dog! *grin*))

STAGEY: *renders Sarah unconscious with slingshot and cane and proceeds to grate her to death*

SAPPHY: Eww.... Sarah cheese....

((Ah, the power of cheese.))

STAGEY: *disposes of remains in a Ziploc baggie*

SAPPHY: *Pulls out her trusty lighter* *Lights up the ziploc* MUAWAHAHAHAHAH! Fire pretty.... Oooh....

LES: Hail to Sapphy and Stagey! The wicked bitch is dead!

ALL NEWSIES: Hail, Sapphy and Stagey! The wicked bitch is dead!

JACK: *immediately falls to his knees in bliss* T'ank you GOD!!! I'se free!! I'SE FREE!!

((*tips hat* My work here is done.))

SAPPHY: *Stares into the flames*

RACE: *pulls Sapphy away* Sapphy... don't get crazy, now.



SAPPHY: *Snaps out of it and glances over at Stage* This remind you of anythin'? *Winks*

STAGEY: Sh-yes!

((Ahh, "The NEWSIES of OZ!" How could anyone forget?))

SAPPHY: *Pokes Race* Too bad he has no heart.... *Points at Jack* And Jack has no brains...

RACE: *hurt* I got plenty haht!

SAPPHY: *Looks at Spot* And Spot is a big baby....

STAGEY: And look! *indicates Davey* It's the prettiest lady in Emerald City!

SAPPHY: *Cocks eyebrow at Stage before bursting out in giggles*



STAGEY: *shares a giggle-fest with Sapphy*



SAPPHY: How are those red slippers, Davey? They look so beautiful on you. HAHAAHAHAHAH!

DAVEY: *blushes* Wha? I don't have... agh. Forget it. I'm going home!

STAGEY: Oh, but Davey... you CAN'T go home!

((BUM BUM BUM!!! What can be done?! The newsies can't leave!! We have a whole host of things to do... not to mention our CC gals are comin' in later... Gah!))

SAPPHY: *clings to Race* No!! He can't go! NO one's leavin'!!! *lightbulb* Heyyy... maybe they'll hang around if they review what's here so far... *points to audience*

STAGEY: *sniffles* Good idea, Sapphy... *to audience* Folks, please review! I don't want 'em to go!!!

JACK: *goes over to Stagey* Aw, Stagey... I ain't goin' nowheres...

STAGEY: *bats Jack away* Hush!! We need the reviews!! *smiles sweetly at our audience*