I Need You So Much Closer

Sequel to: This Brilliant Dance

Summary (a.k.a. so you don't have to go read all 39,680 words of TBD): TBD was a JT/Ash and then became a Sean/Ash. I Need You... will start off as a Sean/Ash. Also: Cr/Em, Manny/Spin, Marco/Dylan, bits of Toby/Liberty, and I may even re-introduce Marco/Sean. Ellie has died of apparent suicide. If you wonder how the hell all of that happened in a simple 11 chapter story, go read it.

Chapter 1: One-Eighty by Summer

Disclaimer: "I Need You So Much Closer" belongs to the song "Transatlanticism" which belongs to Death Cab for Cutie. "One Eighty by Summer" belongs to Taking Back Sunday. Degrassi belongs to CTV and Epitome. Thanks for wasting my time.

I sit alone in my room, my cell, my torture chamber. They gave me a huge diagnosis; the bottom line is that I'm insane. So, they decided the only way to bring sanity back into my life was to send me here. My days are now filled with group therapy and chats with doctors. I'm so normal, so no one has a clue what to make of me. "Why is he here? Who in their right mind would commit someone like that to our care? Must be bad parenting. Nine times out of ten, that's the case." I'm sure that's what their behind-closed-doors chats are saying. Face it, I am J.T. Yorke, I am a genius, and you cannot hide anything from me so don't even try.

I am J.T. Yorke. I am not troubled. This is the last place in the world I should be, and everyone knows it. My heart is not here. My heart is with the wonderful Ashley Kerwin, wherever she may be. On the same account, Toby is a liar. Who does he think he is, coming to my insane asylum where I shouldn't be, and telling me that Sean and Ashley are sleeping together? He even said they're living together, like they even could. It's all very preposterous. They're, at best, very good friends. Ashley will always belong to me and no one else. Everyone would see if I was just able to leave here. Ashley would take me back, and Toby would shut the hell up and never mention his awful lies about the love of my life ever again.

I sit and stare at the bare walls in my room. We're not allowed to have pictures. I guess paper cuts can be deadly. Har har. So, I stare manically at the walls where I imagine my pictures of Ashley would be. First, I would cover that awful stain with the 8x10 of us at the Homecoming dance earlier in the year. Right next to it, I would put the snapshot of her in a black and white bikini at the pool last summer. On second thought, maybe that one would be under my pillow for lonely nights. There are so many other memories that we captured through film, and yet, none if it can be here to help me "heal" from my "sickness". I laugh out loud and roll onto my side.

My eyes are half closed when I hear the knock at the door. "Come in," I mumble in the highest voice I can manage. Laurie, a forty-ish nurse and reigning president of the J.T. Yorke fan club, pushes the door open.

"You have a visitor," she says with a less than contented voice. I drag myself out of bed, racking my brain for who it could be. My parents made their bi-weekly trip on Tuesday, and Toby vowed to be here at his usual time of 7:00 on Thursday. Come to think of it, it might be Thursday. Probably is. I look down at the mess of clothes I have to wear and shrug. There's nothing to say or do that would change them, so accepting them is the only way of coping.

The visitor's lounge is quiet with a mother and her daughter, whom I know from around to be Ryan, the girl who got pregnant, and a solitary figure on the completely opposite side. I would know that hair that covers her eyes anywhere. Her slouched posture and her soft hands cradling her head are such trademark Ashley. At first, I walk slowly because I think she's a hallucination. After touching her hair and realizing how real she is, I gather her in my arms, as coordinated as possible seeing how we're in folding chairs. "I missed you," she whispers. I smile. Toby, ya damn liar, you really should be hear to witness this. "I just couldn't face you. Not after what I did."

"I forgive you!" I practically scream. "You're here now, and I love you more than I ever have, that's all that matters."

"No, J.T., wait," she says. Wait? Wait for what? "I just mean I missed you being around. Being you. I don't want you back; please don't think I'm leading you on. I've done enough damage."

"Ashley, what are you saying?"

"We were more than lovers. We were friends. That's why we had such a beautiful and eccentric relationship, while it lasted. J.T., you have to understand that that is over. We need to start a new relationship, one that is pure friendship. I need you, J.T. I need to know you're OK. I don't want to get reports from Toby before homeroom anymore. I want to be able to see you, to see for myself."

"Ashley," I say, the totally normal tears bleeding from my eyes. "Ashley, they all think I'm crazy. And I'm not! There's only one thought keeping me sane. Ashley, the thoughts of getting out of here to be with you are the only rational thoughts I have. Please don't desert me."

"What did you think was going to happen?" she asks, her eyes piercing through my tears.

"We're in love, Ashley. You know that."

"J.T., no, we're not." For once, her ever present message gets through, although I'm not sure why. I see in her eyes what I've always been overlooking: a feeling of emptiness, a longing for someone else.

"I've never been man enough for you," I whisper.

She sighs, but doesn't refute me. "I still need you, to be my friend."

"You need me so you can get over your guilt," I say through clenched teeth. It's all coming together, and it infuriates the hell out of me.

"Come on, don't say that. We have an amazing bond, and you'd be lying to yourself if you didn't acknowledge that."

"You don't need me now, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you never did. Fuck you, Ashley. You need to leave."

"I can't go back there," she pleads. "Not yet."

"Well, you can't stay here."

I walk away from my only true love in disgust. Now, do you wonder why I'm totally insane?

"Go on just say it
(Sincerely and sure)
You need me like a bad habit
One that leaves you
Defenseless
Dependent
And alone."

It's hard to be 18 years old and practically married. In fact, it's a bitch. I am in love with Ashley Kerwin, there's no damn doubt about it in anyone's mind. It's just a harder relationship to deal with than most. I long for the simplicity of my relationship with Emma Nelson. Through all our shit, there was probably a commanding lack of love, but hell, at least she didn't live at my fucking house. With no fucking parents. Sleeping together whenever neither of us is tired. Dealing with bills and rent and only a marginal trickle of money.

The thing is Ashley can't get a job. It's absolutely essential for both our sakes that she keeps her grades and extracurriculars so she can get into college. At best, I'll probably do community college for a few classes at night and try to get a degree in something. So, I'm out in the working world already. I actually work my brother's old job at the plant cleaning up the metal. The things I see on a daily basis would make Emma Nelson cringe herself right into a heart attack. I work from 4-10 leaving an hour after school and before work. That's usually reserved for homework and maybe a quick catnap, but if I have a project for anyone, then that cancels out everything else. On a normal night, I'm doing homework until 11. On a project night, make that midnight. As one could imagine, this leaves very little time for Sean and Ashley time, since she's asleep at midnight no matter what. I can't blame her, she's up at 6 taking a shower and doing the things that girls do. Since I shower every night after work, I don't wake up until 7:50. I put on the jeans and hoodie Ash picks out and then we're out the door in 2 minutes.

So, one can imagine the stress. As ready as you think you are to have another person sleep in your bed with you every night, you're not. Especially not at our age. Ashley is incredibly mature; she's 18 going on 35. I'm not running around acting 2, but my temper makes me seem very immature at times. She's very good about dealing with me, but sometimes, I just want to act like an 18 year old. I want to go out and drink and have a good time like everyone else, maybe sneaking in a few kisses with girls, and even guys, when the opportunity arises. However, the circumstances aren't up for changing, and there's no way I can survive without Ashley. No way in hell.

It's a Sunday, my only day off, and so I'm taking in total relaxation. A quick mental note assures me that I have no schoolwork to complete, and I sigh, obviously relieved. Ashley's at a canned food drive, but sure to be home any minute. I open a beer and turn on the TV. It's obvious she was the last one watching it since some celebrity gossip show comes up first. I watch it half-heartedly as I search for the remote. All I want to do is watch a few games, get my mind off my "wife" as the guys at school so lovingly put it. No matter how indifferent I act, sometimes I do want some guy time, but I don't actively pursue it.

"At this year's Oscars, Ashley Judd was looking extraordinarily wonderful on the arm of Dario Franchitti. Although her dress was magnificent, I could do without that hair..." Click. Does everything I do have to be about an Ashley?

"That's right, everyone's favorite holiday, and with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen being legal, the festivities were well in order." Another channel, another Ashley. Click.

Some dark haired chick not talking about anyone named Ashley. Hey, that chick's actually pretty hot. What is this show? Some kind of reality thing? Oh, it's that show that Jessica Simpson's little sis has. It's not half bad. The chick can't sing, but who cares? I'd bang her and her sister. That would be hot. "....to present my sister, Ashlee Simpson!" Click. Goddamnit. Must every chick in America be named that?

I decide to be safe and turn off the TV. I turn on the stereo and let myself fall asleep. Ashley will wake me up when she comes back anyways.

"Cliché like your name
My voice and the center
"I've been trying to forget ya"
But I only sleep beneath you.
And nothing's that important
Not anymore."

"Are you alright, Em? You've been acting distant all night."

"I'm fine, Craig," she assures me for the eighth time this hour. I still don't buy it.

"Is your spaghetti good?" I'm very proud of myself. I made her dinner and laid it out on her front yard in picnic form. I even have the picnic basket, as corny as it is.

"It's wonderful. This is all wonderful. I don't deserve this."

I feel like slapping her and squeezing her to death all at the same time. "You deserve the world, Emma. I don't deserve you."

"You saved me," she says barely over a whisper.

"Excuse?" I say in a fake Italian accent.

"I don't know how I would have survived this past year if it weren't for you. Even when we weren't together, you know, you just being there meant the world to me. Thank you."

"You're acting very emotional tonight," I comment, brushing a tear as it threatened to spill over her eye.

"Sorry," she says.

"So, you're going to be having a pretty huge birthday coming up," I say casually. I'm still totally clueless as to what to get the girl I love.

"I'm going to be an adult, can you believe it?"

"Not at all. Then again, I still don't believe that I'm an adult."

"Well, if I remember correctly, you're going to be graduating here pretty soon."

My smile fades. I got the acceptance letter from Columbia today. It's been my dream since I was 6, and my mom took me to Manhattan on a business trip. I can't decide if I'm going to tell Emma or not. Chances are I'm just going to Toronto so I can stay near my family and Em and all of the grade 12s who are going there, too. "Yea," I say meekly.

"Have you heard from Columbia yet?" she asks earnestly.

I give a weak smile. "I didn't get accepted."

"I'm so sorry," she says, crawling onto my lap. I give a passing glance to her house, but then I remember that her family is out with another family with a toddler they met at Jack's day care.

"It's a blessing in disguise. I can stay here with you now."

"Yay!" she cheers. I chuckle at her. Suddenly, her face grows dim again, and she crawls off my lap.

"Em?" I ask.

"Craig," she says, cutting me off. She looks up, and I notice the tears are back. "Don't get mad."

"Are you ashamed to say what you want to?
(Well are you?)
Tell me you want to.
Say it.
Go on.
Just say it."

I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to break this news to him. I'm so scared of how he'll respond. When Manny told him, didn't he want her to keep it? Didn't he get mad when she had an abortion?

Things are different now. Money's already super tight, and he's leaving for college in 6 months. These are his partying years, and I don't want to tie him down. Maybe I should just have the abortion and not tell a soul. Maybe if I can hold out 2 more months, then I can do it without even mom knowing.

I know I can't. I already love this baby so much, and I just found out yesterday. I just wish we could've waited a few more years.

"Emma, what is it?" he asks, looking seriously worried now.

I can't tell him. Everything in my body is screaming at me to just tell him already, but I hold my tongue. I don't even know for sure yet, why would I tell him? It doesn't make any sense. "Sorry," I say wiping my tears. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm full." I push the half-eaten plate towards the center of the blanket.

"Emma, can you please just tell me what's really going on? You don't expect me to buy that, do you? Not even in your most emotional state do I believe that you're crying because you couldn't finish dinner. Tell me the truth."

The truth? I don't trust myself with the truth. I trust you more than anyone, Craig, but I still can't. It's too harsh. "I'm just stressing. I need you to touch me."

He looks at me questioningly but obeys me none the less. He comes over to my side of the blanket and wraps one arm around my waist. Since I'm sitting cross-legged, he rests his other hand on the inside of my thigh. His hand is turning me on. I want him so bad that I can barely stand it. I put my own hand on top of his and slowly move it upwards. "Are you sure?" he asks, his voice coated in concern. "You don't seem like you're in the mood."

"Don't talk," I say, covering his lips with my own. I kick off my shoes and move the food off the blanket as he kisses my neck. I moan out a few times in complete ecstasy, never wanting him to stop. As soon as the blanket is cleared, I lay down on it.

"Em, we can't," he says, suddenly stopping.

"Why not?" I ask, taking breaks in between kissing his chest to talk.

"I don't have a condom. Besides, we can't do it out here. What if your parents come home?"

We don't need a condom, I want to tell him. But I'm still not ready. It would be so hot if we did it out here. Damnit. Everything always has to end up sucking. "Fine," I say breathlessly, giving up on his chest. "We can go to my room. I have a box down there."

"I hold my tongue
Use it to assess
The damage from way back when it mattered
Feel aroundGet cozy
Go crazy
Get comfortable.
We're just protecting ourselves from ourselves."

After he stormed out cursing me out, it would be the safe and normal thing to quietly leave. I didn't want to leave, however. Sean doesn't want me home, and I didn't want to leave J.T. like this. Not after everything he's done for me. And in return, I broke him. All I want to do is make things right again. Toby says he's not there in the head anymore. I had to see it for myself.

After I did, all I wanted was to erase the memory. I look around the dingy "hospital," and I didn't fail to notice the day's uncanny similarities to the day he wound up at my house, looking close to death. My head is throbbing, and, finally, I give in to it. I rest it in my hands which are on my knees. I look like crap. I don't think I can drive. What did I say wrong?

"You're still here?" I hear an incredulous voice ask.

"J.T.," I whisper.

"I didn't mean those things. I need you, too."

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

He waves his hand and brushes the thought off. "What doesn't kill you..."

"I broke you," I say, now starting to sob.

"Don't give yourself all the credit. I like to think I was fucked up before you."

I manage a small laugh. "Sean doesn't even know I'm here."

"I hear you're living with him now," he says. I nod without meeting his stare. "How's that going?"

"Not perfect, but I never imagined it would be."

"He's lucky, so lucky," he says, brushing the hair on the back of my head. I suddenly feel all the effects of not sleeping last night, anticipating this. I lay my head on his lap. He continues to stroke my hair.

The silence is comforting. I almost nod off, and then I realize that I have to leave. "I have to go back to Sean now, but I'll be back before the weeks over. Take it easy, kid."

"Sure," he says, kissing my cheek. I smile with a disappointed expression on my face. He doesn't bring it up, and I turn on my heel and leave. How did that happen?

"So forfeit yourself
Give me up. Give me up.
And make something more to your liking.
A poet
Oh, prince
I don't think I'll ever come back down."

So, this is weird. Never in my life did I think it would come to this. And I still don't know how it did.

First, I made good on my promise to visit Paige, even if it was a few months later than he expected. Then, I went to his house to tell him just how fine she really is. After that good news, he seemed ready to celebrate. I couldn't help it. The way he looked at me, God, I just couldn't help myself.

Me and Spinner? List that under never thought would happen. There's a good chance he was just using me. It's not exactly a secret that I'm not a virgin. I know, huge shocker, right?

If he was using me, that's pretty scummy. Would I be severely disappointed? We just made out. It's not like he's my one and only true love or anything. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of ever receiving love from a male. Yet, being used by Spinner isn't the most horrible thing in the world. He's quite cute, and it's not like there's any friendship between us to fuck up. And he doesn't have a girlfriend right now, so that's always a plus.

Who am I kidding? I'm already making our wedding invitations. "You are cordially invited to the union of Gavin Mason and Manuela Santos..." Hopefully, this won't be because he knocked me up.

I'm not a slut. I'm just misunderstood.

Spinner's calling! Why does that make me so excited?

You are cordially invited...

"Are you ashamed to say what you want to?
Tell me you want to.
Even after all we taught you
Still,
It just seems pointless
With all the obvious lines all out of focus."

"Morning Ash," I say as I sit next to her in homeroom. She looks like shit, but I won't mention it.

"Hey Craiggers," she says.

I still can't believe how lucky I am that she's my friend. She's so beautiful, inside and out, and I was a total jackass to her. Her life kind of went down the crapper, too, and it kind of sucks that she's so tied down so young. Although, I know I could do it for Emma. I guess Ash and Sean are really in love.

"Was that English a bitch or what?"

"Kwan's the bitch," she retorts. I laugh. "Seriously though, 10 workbook pages? About grammar? Who does that?"

"I know what you mean. It took me an hour to do 4, and then I gave up."

"Here," she says, passing her pages over to me.

"Why, Ashley Kerwin, are you condoning cheating?" I say playfully.

"If you get caught, you took them without my knowledge."

"Deal," I say and start to fill in my blank answers.

"So, how's Em-time?" she asks, using a nickname that she gave Emma in grade 11.

"I don't know," I say, still filling in answers. "She was so off yesterday, it was weird. She was so emotional about everything. She started to cry because she only ate half the spaghetti I gave her."

"That is weird," Ashley agreed. "Must be her cycle."

"That's nice," I say, rolling my eyes. "How's Seanathan?"

"Tired. Stressed. You know."

Actually, I don't, but I nod anyways. After finishing most of the papers, I finally glance back up. Her eyes are glossed over, and she's totally not with it. "Earth to Ashley," I say, running my hand in front of her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking."

I wonder if there was ever a time that Degrassi wasn't filled with so much drama.

"Still,
(You sing you sing you sing)
Why can't you just be happy?
Why can't you just be happy?"

"Spinner, stop," she tells me before physically removing my hand from the top of her belt.

"Why?" I ask.

"I don't want this to happen yet. I want to make sure you like me."

"Manny, I love you, now let's have sex."

"Spinner, what's your problem?"

Why do you have to be so dramatic? I know you do this, stop playing games. "Alright, alright. You're right, I'm stopping."

The truth is I'm actually starting to like Manny's company. She's a little more tolerable than Paige. She doesn't totally control me, but who knows what will happen once we start dating? You don't know a girl until you've seen her ugly side.

"Do you want to go see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Friday?" I ask.

"Is that the Johnny Depp movie?"

"Uhm, yea."

"Well, is it a date?"

"Yea. I can't take Jimmy because he'll say I'm hanging out with Marco too much, and I can't take Marco for obvious reasons."

"Sure, I've wanted to go see it."

This is so weird. Could it be Spinner Mason and Manny Santos on a real date? How did I get here?

"I'll just say it.
Live up to your first impression
My best side was your worst invention
"Can't you live without the attention?"
Defenseless.Can't you live without the attention?
Dependent.
Can't you live without the attention?"