Part I - Left Behind...
Illya was in the office putting the finishing touches to yet another report when Napoleon sauntered in, resplendent in a crisp white shirt and bow tie, with a Tuxedo slung over his shoulder.
"Which secretary is it tonight?" Illya enquired.
"It just so happens that I have an assignment this evening." Napoleon replied, carefully adjusting a cufflink. "Mr Waverly has asked me to entertain a young woman on behalf of U.N.C.L.E."
"Who is she?" Illya asked curiously. "It's hardly normal for Mr Waverly to assign an enforcement agent to entertain a V.I.P."
"A Dr Maria Kendall" Napoleon replied. "Apparently Thrush has been sniffing around her. She mentioned their approaches to the Dean of her college and he asked Waverly to look out for her. The old man thinks that maybe a bit of overt attention from us will make Thrush look elsewhere."
Illya's eyes lit up. "I've read some of her papers on Quantum Mechanics. She has a truly remarkable mind."
"Great. Looks like I'm in for a fascinating evening." said Napoleon.
A woman with a remarkable mind for Quantum Mechanics did not sound like his idea of a good time. He'd had to stand up Sadie from Records for this little soiree as well. It had taken a couple of weeks to persuade her to go on another date, after that last time. Still, he mused, maybe after she'd spent a hard day at calculations or whatever, he could persuade this lady to live a little.
"I could go instead, if you like." Illya suggested hopefully. "I'd be interested to discuss some of her theories."
"Last week I asked you to go out to a restaurant with that nice girl from Finance and you said you didn't enjoy that kind of thing!"
"The only reason you asked was that her friend wouldn't go out on a date with you on her own! Besides, you can hardly compare an evening of serious scientific conversation with your usual dating techniques."
"Nothing doing. If you won't co-operate when I really need you, then I think I should face this assignment alone. If she reveals the secret laws of the cosmos, I'll be sure and let you know." Napoleon put on his jacket, smoothed the sleeves carefully and left.
Illya leaned back and cast a mournful gaze over the heaps of paperwork on his desk. A physics journal lay half-buried by a stack of expense claims that had been returned by Mr Waverly with a request for clarification. It included one of Dr Kendall's latest papers and he'd even made notes on it, hoping to sneak down to the lab and discuss them with some of the techs. She was wasted on Napoleon!
Sighing deeply, he returned to the report he'd been writing. The old man was on another economy drive; sometimes he seemed more interested in how suits were torn and fenders crumpled than in how much damage had been done to the opposition. On the other hand, '1 Secret Chemical Weapons Installation (with contents), 10 Guards (with equipment, assorted), 3 Jeeps and 1 ICBM (stolen)" would look even worse on the form for Thrush Central. Thrush Accounts probably sent back something a bit harsher than a rude note too.
The last part of the report was tricky; in all the excitement and confusion, it had been a perfectly reasonable mistake to forget about the river. They had, after all, saved all the documents and equipment that they'd recovered from the Thrush lab. It was just a pity about all that U.N.C.L.E. equipment that had been washed away. And Napoleon's suit and shoes of course - those muddy water marks were never going to come out.
