To whomever may find me,
I stretched and opened my sleep-encrusted eyes to stare at the white, cold ceiling of my room. Yet another day, and yet my last. So... Well, not sure what to say it is, really: a relief? Maybe. Sad? Perhaps. But still my last on this earth. Final: that's the word. Decision. Mine.
I skipped breakfast (what's the point?); I dressed (I think people would run a mile if they saw me wandering the streets in my birthday suit!). That made me smile. What would people really think? Did it really matter? We spend so much time buying clothes, deciding how to wear them, what goes with what, colour matching, blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
I silently closed the door behind me; I didn't want the others to hear me leaving. They would only try to make me change my mind, I know them all too well. I took the stairs to the street and let my feet wander, my mind on other matters.
I eventually ended up on the hill overlooking the town. My town. It had taken me a long time to come back here, to brush off all the memories this place brought back, but still it was my town. The lights in the street twinkled like the lights on the Christmas tree, some coming on in various houses - I wonder where they've been tonight? What have they seen? Did they have fun? Are they just getting up? – too may questions; multiple answers.
I took a deep breath. It felt cleansing, as if I'd made the right decision, but a little piece of my heart said otherwise. I felt that wrenching feeling again, but brushed it away. We are all scared of change, of something new, aren't we?
I could see the sun rising over the far distant hills now, such a beautiful sight. Even if you didn't believe in God, when you sun rise and the earth come to life it fills you with wonder. I watched the birds wake and start singing and going on their way to find food for themselves and their young ones. Watched the night animals seem to sink beneath the ground or find the dark places they needed. Quite fascinating.
I lay on the dew-covered ground and looked up at the lighting sky. It was going to be a lovely day. You could smell it in the dawn air; fresh. Invigorating. I could almost change my mind, but I won't. That's something I will never do now. It's over. But for the moment, I still have time to remember. My loved ones, here and now. My mistakes. My accomplishments, my losses, my gains.
I can feel the sun warm my legs first, rising slowly. Such warmth. It's been so long. On my face now, it feels so good. Just moments now. Just moments.
But you can't stop your mind from wandering, can you? Remebering those crossroads in your life. Or in my case, lives. So many bad ones. So many good ones.
But fon't we all have lives too? What would have happened if you'd taken the other road? Where would you be now? Would it be better? Worse? Who can say? I certainly can't. And don't we all sometimes think back and wonder? Yes, of course we do, because that's just one of our frailties.
'You always want what you can't have'. That's the saying, isn't it? But if the clock doesn't stop ticking, what stops you from having everything?
'Been there, done that': that's another. I most certainly have. Such a waste of energy!
When it comes down to it... What does it mean? I've loved, lost, killed, destroyed, healed, helped, cared, wanted, desired... Everything.
I've left my book beside me. Read it. Take note. And beware – it is yours. And my ashes? Make sure that they go to the wind. That's the one thing I haven't done yet: ride the wind. Such release.
Such freedom.
Yours, Josiah
Please be nice; my first story posted up here.
Welcome-To-My-Halloween
