Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 3
EPISODE 4
Airdate: October 19, 2014
Title: Slice of Fantastica (Part II)
Segway Segment: Classic Music Videos ("Do the Bartman" by Bart Simpson)
Special Guest Stars: The Mysterious Mr. Enter as Himself, Tara Strong as Cyma Zarghami, Divide the Day (Joseph Nichy, Adrian Maude, Brian Dropkin, Billy Haig) as disguised RK, Wade, and Jaylynn
Satire/Social Commentary: Same as Part I
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Rafael Santana, storyboarded by Tomas Greenberg, directed by Sam Henderson
COLD OPEN
(The instrumental to "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo playing in the background)
(Sparky stands in front of a grey screen with a serious face, in the style of Blossom)
(dramatic adult male voice) SPARKY: Last week, on a very special Thank You, Heavenly...
BUSTER: Why are we doing this?
SPARKY: To catch everybody up.
BUSTER: Yeah, but why are you...
SPARKY: Last week, on a very special Thank You, Heavenly...
(Buster is sitting next to RK, looking scared)
BUSTER: I'm pregnant. With Jaylynn's child.
(RK gasps)
RK: You son of a...
(RK attacks Buster for no apparent reason; Sparky is later shown in Wade's kitchen, with Wade pissed off)
SPARKY: OK, so I hit your girlfriend, but the bitch had it coming. She can't even hold down a good Miller.
WADE: You're a disgusting alcoholic and you're dead to me.
(Wade takes a can of Miller and sprays it in Sparky's face after shaking it)
(Jaylynn is in court on trial while also on the stand)
PLAINTIFF LAWYER: So you ADMIT you drank the soda?
(crying) JAYLYNN: I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON'T LIKE THAT FLAVOR!
Scenes from the A-plot of last week's episode are shown:
-Sparky gets the call in his tree house to come to Burbank
-He and Buster see their brand spanking new office
-Russell Hicks and Sarah Levy alter one of the scripts for The New York Diaries so it's now fit to executive specification
-Buster finds out he and Sparky have lost creative control
-The two are given a serious ultimatum by Zarghami
-The kids react negatively to the series premiere
(opening sequence)
PROLOGUE
(In the style of Kenan and Kel, Sparky and Buster walk through the red curtain on stage doing an urban dance while the audience cheers)
SPARKY: Hello, everybody! And welcome to the Thank You, Heavenly program. I go by the name of Sparky!
(loud reception for Sparky)
BUSTER: And you know, around the way, I tend to be referred to as Buster.
(loud reception for Buster as he flexes his arms like Shawn Michaels)
BUSTER: Dammit, I paid $200 for that pyro to go off. Omar is going to get it backstage.
SPARKY: Well, tonight's show is the conclusion to our big two-parter. Boy, let me tell ya, we have action. We have...
(Buster does Kane's signature pose of conjuring fire, and the screen becomes red and bright for a few seconds while "Slow Chemical" by Finger Eleven plays in the background)
SPARKY: Buster, what the hell was that?
BUSTER: Well, I've always wanted to come out on stage and do that. Besides, some guy paid me five bucks and some crappy tickets to a Passengers concert to do it.
SPARKY: Who was it?
BUSTER: I don't know. All I remember is that he was some weirdo. There he is in the front row!
(Buster is pointing to RK, sitting at the far end of the front row)
SPARKY: Buster, that's RK. RK, why are you in the audience? You're part of the show!
RK: I know, but I'm tired this week. Why don't you guys do something funny?
SPARKY: RK, get your ass backstage or you're fired!
RK: OK, OK, calm down. Or...do it again. But with more authority and roughness.
(Sparky angrily stares at RK)
RK: I'm going, I'm going.
(RK runs backstage while the audience laughs; Sparky then starts to think deeply about something)
BUSTER: You know what? He's right. Why CAN'T we do something funny for once?
(Buster notices Sparky is thinking about something deeply)
BUSTER: Um, Sparky, why are you in deep thought?
SPARKY: I'm just thinking about the word "fired" and what you just did with the fire. In fact, I think fire is going to be a big part of tonight's show. Now, come on, Salty!
(Sparky starts mumbling to himself while he goes backstage)
BUSTER: Sparky? How are you able to dictate what tonight's show is about? Sparky?! I forgot our motivation for making this reference! SPARKY?! AWWWWW, HERE IT GOES!
(Buster runs backstage while the crowd cheers. The curtain pulls back to reveal a black screen. The audience and the stage is never shown again for the rest of the episode.)
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is playing "Knick Knack Patty Wack" by EPMD featuring K-Solo on his computer. He starts performing K-Solo's verse with an exaggerated imitation of his raspy voice when Buster comes in, scratching his head and raising his eyebrow.)
SPARKY: People, gather round listen to flow. Yo, so I can prove that I'm the true Solo. Too many suckers, have bit my name in vain. Punk rappers thought I was sleepin', but Solo came.
(Sparky looks to his left and sees Buster at his door)
SPARKY: Oh, hey Buster.
(Sparky pauses the song)
SPARKY: I wasn't doing anything, you know, bizarre and whatnot, it's just...did you know...that there's only one sample in this song and Dr. Dre stole it? Bit the whole thing?
BUSTER: I know your flow sounds like two cats failing to have sex. Hey, do you know about Mr. Enter's latest video?
SPARKY: Mr. Enter? Who the hell is that?
BUSTER: You know, The Mysterious Mr. Enter? The brony cartoon reviewer? Animated Atrocities, Admirable Animation? (sighs) RK thinks he has a hot voice?
SPARKY: Oh yeah, that guy. He did that whole Squidward Torture Porn countdown video, that was fat, bro. What about his latest video?
BUSTER: He did an Animated Atrocity on The New York Diaries.
SPARKY: WHAT?! Mr. Enter has a lot of street cred on the Internet. Do you know what the hell will happen to our show's reputation with a video like that?! (Sparky pulls Buster by his shirt) DO YOU?!
BUSTER: Calm down, I haven't even seen it myself. Just look it up on YouTube.
(Sparky searches up "New York Diaries Animated Atrocities")
SPARKY: How do you even know about the video?!
BUSTER: I'm subscribed to him, I get updates all the time. Wait a minute. Did you just type that in upper-case letters like some middle-aged white guy?
SPARKY: Yeah. (guitar riff from Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide plays in the background)And I put quotation marks around my search topic so I'll get more specific results. (Sparky winks at the camera and smiles)
(bored) BUSTER: What...what was that you just did?
(gasps) SPARKY: IT'S STARTING!
(Buster runs to the computer while the intro to Animated Atrocities plays; for some unknown reason, the Atrocity number is blurred out, and in the description as well)
SPARKY: I don't get it. Mr. Enter puts the number of every Atrocity somewhere, why is it blurred out?
BUSTER: I don't think we're allowed to say.
MR. ENTER: Two words: Wasted potential. There are certain things that I loathe more than anything else when it comes to animation, and wasted potential is very high on that list. A couple months ago, I said that maybe Nickelodeon just needed to improve. You know, get guys in charge who realize how poisonous pandering is and remember that there was a time where Nickelodeon was capable and competent enough to appeal to multiple audiences at once. It seems like The New York Diaries was meant to be a response to that. I've seen three episodes so far, and each one shows that there's some sort of effort to make a worthwhile cartoon. Not just create a small fan base, but actually change the network as a whole. It's impossible to think that one cartoon could be capable of this, but it at least had to make the executives wake up and realize they're doing something wrong. But with The New York Diaries, that's not the case. An Animated Atrocity goes that extra mile to do something heinous. Whether it's driving characters to suicide ("One Coarse Meal"), having a storyline where a man marries his son ("Fresh Heir"), or destroying the legacy of classic cartoons with an atomic bomb (Teen Titans Go! and Ren & Stimpy's Adult Party Cartoon), an Animated Atrocity has to leave you wondering who thought it was a good idea to put that stupid, stupid shit on the air. The New York Diaries did this to me.
NINE MINUTES LATER...
(Sparky and Buster look pretty disappointed after watching Mr. Enter's review)
MR. ENTER: I somewhat contradicted myself at the beginning of this review, or at least I didn't make myself clear. The New York Diaries is an Atrocity because it can be better than what it is now. Way better. I get that it's the first season and there's always room to improve, but it hurts me deeply when I see a show like this go the predictable route and not even try to go for something different from the norm as far as content is concerned. I don't honestly believe Nickelodeon cares about this show. I don't believe there's aggressive enough quality control on this show. It's just meant to make them look good in comparison to networks that actually know what they're doing (Cartoon Network, The Hub). Even Disney Channel, with as much horrendous content they have there now and have had for months, still manages to put together brilliant cartoons with respectable fan bases (Phineas and Ferb, Gravity Falls, Wander Over Yonder). Guys, just because you finally have an animated series that doesn't look like complete shit on paper, doesn't make us forgive all the garbage you've given us for so long. You have to make sure these shows have substance to go with the presentation. And as it stands now, The New York Diaries doesn't have nearly enough substance to stand on its own two feet. It suffers from poor toilet humor, underdeveloped characters, random schizophrenic plots, and a severe self-congratulating mindset. You may think you're funny, but you're really not. Like I said before, I've seen three episodes at this point, and I think I've laughed about twice. Nickelodeon, you haven't changed yet. John Enter, that's a wrap.
(In the end credits, Mr. Enter says that this was his most requested video yet, breaking the record previously set by SpongeBob SquarePants' "SpongeBob, You're Fired!")
SPARKY: So now what do we do? We have a show that isn't even ours anymore and a contract we were forced into by abusive executive sociopaths.
BUSTER: Well, we could always create decoys, make it seem like we've offed ourselves, and move to the other side of the Earth.
SPARKY: Nah, too messy. We should take action and stand up to those punks at Nick.
BUSTER: Dammit, I wanted to see the motherland. And didn't we already try doing that? They threatened us.
SPARKY: Well, we have intestinal fortitude. Since when have we let anybody stand in our way?
BUSTER: Honestly, I can't remember. You're right, Sparky. LET'S DO IT!
SPARKY: YEAH!
(The door bell rings and Sparky goes to get it. It's a black kid with a pizza box.)
SPARKY: What the...
KID: Hi, my name is Mookie. You guys want some pizza?
(Sparky closes the door and locks it)
SPARKY: The hell?
BUSTER: What happened?
SPARKY: I honestly don't know.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and Buster are walking together as they get disgusted stares from the students.)
SPARKY: Buster, have you noticed anything strange this morning?
BUSTER: Well, I tried calling Diana four times and she never picked up. I hope she isn't starting to think I'm gay or something.
SPARKY: No, not that. Everyone is looking at us all funny.
BUSTER: Well, my fly's up, I don't know about yours. Maybe that's why.
(Sparky angrily stares at Buster when they both run into an angry RK, Wade, and Jaylynn)
RK: What up, Mr. and Mister Hollywood?
WADE: You just said the same word twice.
RK: You bet your ass I did.
SPARKY: Hey guys. Do you know why everybody's looking at us like we killed somebody?
JAYLYNN: Haven't you two heard? You have a really bad rep now.
BUSTER: We kissed one time in first grade, IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT!
JAYLYNN: No, not that. And gross.
RK: What else happened during the experiment?
SPARKY: What's this "really bad rep" you speak of?
JAYLYNN: Ever since you guys have had your show on the air, you've started to change. Nobody sees you anymore, we don't hang out like we used to. We really miss you guys and it feels like you don't care about anything but the show.
BUSTER: How is that our fault? We're trapped in an ironclad contract by jerks who are going to kill our careers if we don't do what they tell us to.
SPARKY: Yeah, we miss you guys too but it hasn't even been that long.
WADE: It's been almost two months since it was just the five of us.
BUSTER: Well, maybe you guys are too needy. Ever thought about that?
SPARKY: Look, guys, we appreciate the concern but we don't have a choice. We have to go to Burbank to work on the show, we have to go to New York City to meet with Cyma, we travel the country and the world doing promotional interviews and press conferences. This is one of the hardest things we've ever had to go through just to make a show we're not even creatively involved in.
RK: Oh please, what kind of idiots would take creative control away from the people who came up with the show?
BUSTER: Sony?
SPARKY: Guys...
JAYLYNN: Save it, alright? What's the point of even getting through to you? Come on, guys.
(RK and Wade look back at Sparky and Buster one last time and leave with Jaylynn)
SPARKY: I can't believe this. We just lost our closest friends.
BUSTER: Diana thinks I'm gay!
(Buster starts crying while Sparky looks repulsed, and he carries Buster to class while everybody continues to stare at them)
SCENE 3
Nickelodeon Headquarters
Interior Elevator
New York City, New York
(Sparky and Buster are both in suit and tie, and both look disappointed)
SPARKY: Halley hasn't spoken to me in days. I don't get it. What went wrong?
BUSTER: I don't know. I thought this whole New York Diaries thing would be fun but it's not. I'm getting all this hate mail from people I've never even heard of. Last night, some guy called me and told me I'm a bitch who passes it around to every guy I see.
SPARKY: That sounds highly unrelated to you.
BUSTER: Yeah, the police found out it was some guy who thought he was drunk dialing his ex-girlfriend.
SPARKY: Oh.
BUSTER: Yeah.
(The elevator stops and the two best friends walk into Zarghami's room together)
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Well, don't my two guinea pigs look adorable?
SPARKY: You bitch, you ruined our lives!
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Yeah, like I'm the reason you guys are hated by everybody you know. People are jealous, that's what you have to deal with when you enter this business.
BUSTER: We rarely ever get time to ourselves, we don't even write our own material anymore, and we're the butt of every cartoon critic's jokes.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: At least we're still crediting you with the writing and production.
BUSTER: Yeah...which makes it WORSE!
SPARKY: How long do you expect to keep playing this game, Cyma? You were never interested in our show at all. You just wanted something you could put your name on and get respect from those who don't know any better.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Amazing how you two didn't catch on the first time we had this discussion. In case you're still living in your own little fairytale fantasy world, this is Nickelodeon. We make the shit, and you eat the shit. People won't understand your show. Look at Korra. That can't make money. So we did what we had to do and got rid of it. We put kids first, and kids want interchangeable garbage that can easily be replaced. That's what happened to SpongeBob. We made sure we got people who understood our style and didn't have much to fight for. Look at the Breadwinners guys. They ain't worth a (bleep). But they're cheap and just want to be famous. So, for you two punks, we don't care what you want to change. You won't fit in. Every now and then, we'll give something new a chance so we can stick up the finger to the hipsters who think we ain't shit. But as long as WE'RE in charge, Nickelodeon will stay on top, make money, and that's all there is to it. Now get your beauty sleep tonight. We're having a press conference at Radio City Music Hall and I don't want anyone thinking you're not being cared for.
(Sparky is about to cry but he manages to keep his composure as he walks out the room. But in the hall, he loses it. He viciously rips off his tie, throws off his suit jacket, and collapses on the wall while breaking down.)
BUSTER: Sparky, calm down, man, it's going to be OK. (Buster begins to hug Sparky) It's going to be OK.
SPARKY: NO, IT'S NOT! YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID, WE'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A JOKE HERE! WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN A DAMN JOKE! WE'RE WORTHLESS PUPPETS, SIDESHOW ATTRACTIONS THEY'LL THROW AWAY WHEN THEY'RE DONE! WE LOST OUR FRIENDS, WE CAN'T BEAT THESE FREAKING EXECUTIVES, IT'S HOPELESS! IT WILL NEVER BE OK, WE FAILED! (BLEEP) CYMA, (BLEEP) RUSS, (BLEEP) SARAH, (BLEEP) THIS WHOLE DAMN COMPANY! I HATE NICKELODEON!
(Buster is also close to crying)
BUSTER: We don't know that for sure...we can't give up. We have to fight.
SPARKY: How can we?! We're slaves!
BUSTER: NO! We're NOT puppets, we're NOT sideshow attractions, and we're NOT slaves. When have we ever let anybody stand in our way before? Every obstacle we've faced for so many years, we've conquered. And we're not going to let these suits take away ANYTHING from us.
SPARKY: I feel like we can't win.
BUSTER: We WILL win. Please don't give up, Sparky...when you give up, you freaking scare me.
(The camera zooms out as Buster continues to console a broken Sparky)
("Where Do I Go" by Sebastian Mego playing in the background)
Sparky and Buster are forced to accept their fate as Nickelodeon now has them under their control. The two become more and more tired as they travel for interviews and press conferences and photo shoots and talk show guest spots. RK looks at a picture of him, Sparky, and Buster dressed like The Whispers from the time they parodied the video for "Keep On Lovin' Me." He sighs and has a look of regret on his face. Sparky and Buster walk past a bunch of female groupies in the hallway as they just want to get to their hotel room and sleep for the night. As they walk, the colors become black and white. Jaylynn is watching TV at her place with Wade and the two keep seeing commercials for The New York Diaries. For one particular spot, Sparky and Buster themselves are interviewed, which is a rarity for television in general. Wade looks a little confused and then suspicious, as he closely listens to what the two are saying.
WADE: Hey Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Yeah?
WADE: Why do I feel like what Sparky and Buster were saying the other day wasn't hyperbole?
JAYLYNN: Who knows? Maybe they...you're thinking what I'M thinking?
WADE: Yup.
That same night, Sparky looks at a picture of him and Halley hugging and smiling on his bed at a hotel he and Buster are staying at. Buster tries to call Diana again, but she doesn't pick up.
BUSTER: Crap, the fifth time this week alone.
Sparky looks tired and depressed, and goes to sleep. Buster, seeing how out of it Sparky is, turns off the lights and goes to sleep as well.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Frontyard
Seattle, Washington
(RK is making his way to Sparky's house and opens the door, but all he sees is Bitch Clock watching TV and drinking a bottle of Olde English 800)
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky's still touring around the world for his show. Malt liquor?
RK: No thanks, I don't drink.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, so you're one of those pussies who chugs down Alize, aren't you?
RK: Dude, please remember I'm (bleep) nine. You know, I miss Sparky. AND Buster. I wish they didn't have to work on that dumb show all the time.
BITCH CLOCK: Isn't that YOUR fault? I mean, you, Wade, and Jaylynn kinda made the problem worse by not hearing them out.
RK: No, I'm not accepting full responsibility for that. If there's one thing my dad taught me, it's that there's always a way around things. In this case, I take 33.3% of the blame.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm about half-drunk right now and even I know you're just talking out your ass when you say that.
RK: Screw you. (Heading out the front door and away from Sparky's property) Stupid alcoholic alarm clock trying to give me a lecture. Breaking the laws of physics by talking and whatnot.
SCENE 5
The Newman Condominium
Exterior Back Area
Seattle, Washington
(RK is seeking "advice" from the Talking Dumpster.)
RK: So, Sparky and Buster mean the world to me and I love them like brothers. I don't know, maybe I should take more responsibility than I thought at first. Do you think I drove them away?
TALKING DUMPSTER: Look, Sparky and Buster are clearly stressed out from having to deal with the show and don't have time to deal with a babysitter. Maybe you should give them a chance to be them. Get some exercise, eat some fresh fruit...
RK: You don't make any (bleep)ing sense. Why do you always give us advice that never relates to the actual problem?
TALKING DUMPSTER: Because most of the time, I'm very, very high.
(Wade and Jaylynn rush to the scene)
WADE: RK, RK, we have hit upon some groundbreaking discoveries that will have major ramifications as it pertains to Sparky and Buster's show.
RK: OK, I'm getting your shucking and jiving so far.
JAYLYNN: You know how Sparky and Buster were telling us how they no longer have creative control on The New York Diaries?
RK: I think so, yeah.
WADE: Well, check this out.
(Wade hands RK a Gmail letter)
WADE: After checking out an ad spot last night for the show featuring the guys, I tried getting in contact with some of the program's adult staff members. I successfully gained correspondence with Thomas W. Lynch and this is what he had to say.
JAYLYNN: Apparently, this Zarghami chick is just using Sparky and Buster in a cheap way to give Nickelodeon respect again. And they have to do everything they're told or there's going to be serious trouble.
RK: So...Nickelodeon is just treating our best friends like crack-addicted prostitutes?
WADE: I'm afraid so.
JAYLYNN: And get this: Sparky and Buster are still being credited but they have no say in the writing or production or anything anymore. It's all the executives. Thomas said he was planning to leave, but the paycheck is sick, so...you know.
RK: Well, it's up to us. We have to go to New York City, take out the executives and save The New York Diaries for the guys.
WADE: How are three small children supposed to overthrow a multimillion-dollar television juggernaut like Nickelodeon?
RK: Hey, stranger things have happened in the past. Remember the time I saved the Super Bowl?
WADE: You didn't save it. The Seahawks won, that was excellent for this city.
RK: What are you talking about? The Broncos paid off the Seahawks to throw the game so they could win the Vince Lombardi Trophy as part of their evil plot.
JAYLYNN: If anything, it felt like the other way around.
RK: OK, apparently we're supposed to forget what I did and just act like it was a big fat dream. Matter of fact, how come no one ever brings up the fact that I prevented a crappy Super Bowl this year?
WADE AND JAYLYNN: BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED!
RK: Don't give me that crap, I know what I did!
SCENE 6
Nickelodeon Headquarters
Interior Office of Creative Development
New York City, New York
(Sparky and Buster are the only ones in the room, looking at mail sent to them by fans and critics. Their hair is messed up and they have on no suit jacket, with the sleeves on their button down shirts rolled up.)
SPARKY: Hey, look at this. Another hate letter.
BUSTER: What's it say?
SPARKY: "You guys are the absolute worst. This is the most pathetic cartoon I've seen since Mega Babies."
BUSTER: Ouch. You know, it sucks how we're taking the heat for something we have nothing to do with. I feel like Seth MacFarlane or something.
SPARKY: Well, there's nothing WE can do. Remember? We gave up a long time ago.
BUSTER: Actually, after you gave up, I was still fighting. Then Big Time Rush threatened to kill me if I didn't fall in line. Hey, look, a fan letter!
SPARKY: What's it say?!
BUSTER: "Dear Sparky & Buster, my name is Jennifer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. You guys are so cute, I would just love to lock you in my house and turn off the lights and..." What the hell is wrong with these people?!
SPARKY: What's the rest of it say?
BUSTER: Look, the next time we're in Pittsburgh, just remind me to look for Jennifer so I can report her to the authorities.
(Meanwhile, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are in front of Nickelodeon HQ dressed like they were when they attempted to pull off the heist with Uncle Carmine and KG. Well, Wade and Jaylynn anyway. RK is dressed like Das EFX's Skoob from the music video for "They Want EFX," complete with a bandage on the right side of his eye.)
WADE: Alright, now all we have to do is think of a way to infiltrate headquarters and incinerate that blasted contract for good.
JAYLYNN: RK, don't you ever question if your disguises have any basis in reality?
RK: At least I look like the average man. You clearly look like you're trying to rob somebody or kill a poor civilian or forcibly take money from the bank to decrease the pitch of your annoying-ass voice.
WADE: Will you two stop it with the bickering? We have to find a way to break in without calling attention to ourselves.
JAYLYNN: Well, I think RK is doing a wonderful job with the opposite.
RK: Why don't you look at yourself, future cover girl of Fugitives Magazine?
JAYLYNN: I bet that magazine isn't even real.
(At this point, Wade sighs heavily and just walks into Nick HQ)
RK: It's not, that's the joke, dipshit.
JAYLYNN: You're always full of shit, RK.
RK: At least I'm not bitter because I don't have the guts to tell my dream girl how I feel about her. Isn't that right, Wade? Wade?
JAYLYNN: Where'd he go?
RK: To get some live EFX?
(Jaylynn sucks her teeth while "They Want EFX" plays in the background for a bit. RK does a series of complicated flips and ends up bumping into Jaylynn, which leads to them bumping into Wade and the three of them flying through the air. It ends with them falling through a hole in the floor.)
RK: Ugh, waffles.
WADE: You bastards, that was obviously intentional.
JAYLYNN: This is totally weaksauce. We fell through a hole that's placed here for no damn reason and we're no closer to saving Sparky and Buster.
RK: Calm down, Raven, I'm sure there's a reason this hole was here.
JAYLYNN: I thought you were the crazy one, not the stupid one. Why would there be a big, gaping hole in the hallway for no apparent reason?
WADE: Actually, that's the dead hallway. No one really goes in this area. In fact, I think there were caution signs everywhere. In fact, according to this description...on my iPhone (Wade chuckles while RK and Jaylynn groan), the chances of anyone ending up in the dead hallway at all are 500-1. So, through sheer luck and insane troll logic, we somehow fell through this hole.
RK: Talk about convenience.
WADE: And I probably should've pointed this out from the jump, but did anyone notice the circular shaped door we're standing in front of?
JAYLYNN: I'm scared to see what's there. RK, why don't you open it?
RK: I thought you weren't scared of anything or anybody.
JAYLYNN: Dude, I may act like that every now and again, but deep down inside, I'm a little bitch! What if the ghost of that psychotic singing hot tub is behind there, rising up from the depths of Hell?! It wants to finish me off for good!
RK: Spaz, what you just said raises a bunch of questions that I don't really think I have the answers to.
(Wade turns the door handle counterclockwise and it opens)
WADE: There. There are no depths of Hell, and there's no (bleep) hot tub ghost trying to kill you.
JAYLYNN: Phew. I was SO scared. And I still am. I don't want to do this anymore!
(RK slaps Jaylynn in the face with his hat three times after taking it off; long pause)
JAYLYNN: OK, I'm good.
(The three venture inside the tunnel, which has a red carpet. Wade opens another door counterclockwise, and when the three go through THAT door, they step inside a dungeon with all kinds of weaponry and firearms)
RK: This is like Mister Rogers' Neighborhood on crack or something.
WADE: What's the meaning of this place?
(The three see two guys drinking orange soda and watching Clarissa Explains It All)
WILL MCROBB: And so that's when I told Pete, OK, "You have to do the movie, you just have to." And when he didn't, I gave him a snow day right in the jaw. (Will starts cackling)
CHRIS VISCARDI: You tell that story so many times and yet, so well each time.
RK: Excuse me, who are YOU guys?
(McRobb and Viscardi turn around, scared that someone has found the dungeon)
WILL MCROBB: Who are WE? Who are YOU and how did you find this dungeon?
CHRIS VISCARDI: Yeah, only people who got thrown down here are allowed access.
RK: Will McRobb?!
WADE: Chris Viscardi?!
RK AND WADE: The Pete & Pete guys?!
(long pause; Jaylynn has a blank stare while RK and Wade remain shocked)
JAYLYNN: I'm so in the dark when it comes to things like this, I don't...
("Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush playing in the background as RK and Wade can't contain their shock while McRobb and Viscardi look confused. Jaylynn continues to have a blank stare.)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS
Artist: Bart Simpson (voiced by Nancy Cartwright)
Song: Do the Bartman
Album: The Simpsons Sing the Blues
Year: 1990
Label: Geffen
Michael Jackson, a huge Simpsons fan, co-wrote and co-produced "Do the Bartman" with Bryan Loren, but due to copyright issues, he was unable to receive credit. "Do the Bartman" received heavy rotation on MTV and ended up being nominated for a Video Music Award in 1991 (Best Special Effects).
(The video for "Do the Bartman" starts up)
SCENE 7
Nickelodeon Headquarters
Interior Dungeon
New York City, New York
RK: I can't believe I'm standing in front of Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi! You guys are television legends!
CHRIS VISCARDI: Legends? Nah, we just did what we had to do back in the day.
WADE: And bonus points for the refreshing humility. Most people I've met in this business are so dramatic.
JAYLYNN: I don't get it. Why should I know these guys?
RK: Jaylynn, these men were the geniuses behind The Adventures of Pete & Pete back in the 1990s.
WADE: Some people say that it was the greatest live-action show in Nickelodeon history.
JAYLYNN: Wait, you guys WORKED for Nickelodeon?
WILL MCROBB: Yeah, and we worked for Sanjay and Craig for a couple months before we ended up here.
WADE: You mean, that vile 22-minute abortion littered with cheap gross-out humor?
CHRIS VISCARDI: Right now, I would say it's an OK 22-minute abortion.
RK: Why did you end up here?
WILL MCROBB: Well, we were executive producers on Sanjay and Craig and helped with some of the earlier episodes. Like that Family Double Dare episode? That was OUR idea. Marc Summers didn't even want to talk about it until we told him that the show wasn't complete crap. I'm telling you, we had to beg. A LOT.
CHRIS VISCARDI: Then Cyma said that we were going soft on the gross-out humor, and when we told her we couldn't make it flow organically in every episode, she banished us here. We could've starved or froze to death with how cold that weapon room was, but we secretly got some tools and hey. If you make Pete & Pete, you can make anything.
WILL MCROBB: So how did YOU guys find this place?
JAYLYNN: Sheer coincidence, I'm telling you that for your own benefit.
WADE: We're trying to overthrow the dictatorship better known as the Nickelodeon executive board so we can save our friends and incinerate their ironclad contract.
CHRIS VISCARDI: Wait, the kids doing that New York Diaries thing?
RK: Yeah, why?
WILL MCROBB: Give up while you can. You destroy the contract or Sparky and Buster leave, they'll never work in this business again. And by some chance you DO succeed, you either end up here or you're never the same again. Nobody leaves Nickelodeon with their sanity intact under those circumstances. Look at John K.
WADE: He's gross.
JAYLYNN: Is there any way Sparky and Buster can destroy their show on the inside?
(Will and Chris stare at each other, then smile at the guys)
RK: By the look on your faces, I assume you want to destroy US on the inside.
CHRIS VISCARDI: Are you gay?
RK: Bi, in a relationship, on the fast track to becoming pansexual in five years.
WADE: Is there a way for Sparky and Buster to go out without having something bad happen to them in the aftermath?
WILL MCROBB: Definitely.
(Will walks over to the library full of books and grabs one on the table. It's orange with no words on the cover, and covered in dust. Will blows off the dust and everyone coughs.)
WILL MCROBB: I know, too much fake dust.
RK: What's it say?
WILL MCROBB: "If more than one member of the band JONAS is crushing on the same girl, then under no circumstances may any band member ask out said crushee, otherwise destroying the bond that makes them awesome bandmates and brothers."
(Everyone is justifiably confused at what Will just said.)
CHRIS VISCARDI: Dude, I think that's the JONAS Book of Law.
WILL MCROBB: Son of a bitch. I never get those right. Ah, here we go.
(Will grabs the right book this time with no fake dust. This book is also orange, but with green spots.)
WILL MCROBB: They call this book 100 Ways to Kill Bitch-Ass Nickelodeon.
JAYLYNN: Who wrote it?
WILL MCROBB: I don't know. I think it was Mathew Klickstein. Anyway, just take this book home and you might just stand a chance at saving your friends.
RK: Cool! Thanks, Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi!
CHRIS VISCARDI: You don't have to say the whole thing, you know. This isn't The Simpsons.
JAYLYNN: Well, we know our mission. Let's go, gang!
WILL MCROBB: Best of luck in your mission!
(long pause after RK, Wade, and Jaylynn leave)
CHRIS VISCARDI: You know, you must be relieved they didn't see your vibrator.
WILL MCROBB: I told you, CHRISTINE left it!
SCENE 8
Loews Regency Hotel
Interior RK and Wade's Room
New York City, New York
(Shots are shown of New York City at night in the style of a 1980s sitcom. The last shot is of the hotel. In RK and Wade's room, a plaque is above the bed that says: "Bless Mr. Maxtone-Graham." Jaylynn is there as well, and all of them are sitting on the bed below the plaque.)
RK: Aren't you guys afraid that Sparky and Buster are here too?
WADE: Negative, RK. I was able to do some digging and found out that Sparky and Buster's hotel of choice is always the Marriott. With this book, we'll disguise our voices and give Sparky and Buster nightly information over the next couple of weeks that will aid them in beating Nickelodeon.
JAYLYNN: Are you sure they won't figure out who it is?
WADE: Of course not. We have a large vocal range, we can do it.
RK: I guess. Should I talk like a sucka from the hood? "Yo, G, I saw that chick, she had the cake, man. Now my homies be drid 'cuz they ain't know about collecting that paper. WU-TANG, NEGROES!"
(Wade looks disgusted and Jaylynn looks confused)
WADE: Don't ever do that again. Ever.
RK: Well, I DID say he was a sucka.
Meanwhile, at the Marriott...
Sparky and Buster are getting ready for bed.
SPARKY: Well, time to crash. We have another awful day ahead of us tomorrow.
BUSTER: Hey, what do you know? Diana sent me a love message on Facebook. "I know we haven't talked to each other for a while, but I love you no matter what and I hope you're OK because that's the only thing that matters. We're going to meet again and when we do, I'm going to spend all my time with you. Sweet dreams lover boy." That's amazing.
SPARKY: I thought she treated you like crap.
BUSTER: Eh, she drifts in and out. But I didn't think she was THIS romantic. I can't even remember the last time she said something like this.
SPARKY: I'm happy for you. I just wish Halley would answer my calls or something.
BUSTER: Don't worry, bro, she'll come around. I know Halley, and she's the kind of girl that...
(Sparky's phone is ringing. His ringtone is "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line.)
BUSTER: Maybe that's her right now.
SPARKY: No, it's an unknown number.
BUSTER: You should pick it up. You never know who could be calling. Could be a supermodel, a drug addict, a little less threatening drug addict...
(Sparky sighs and answers the phone)
SPARKY: Hello, you don't have that long. I have to hit the hay soon.
(in the voice of Joseph Nichy) WADE: I'm Pete. You don't need to know anything else about who this is. All you need to know is that we know about your little problem and we're prepared to fix it. Your problem with Nickelodeon.
SPARKY: Is this some kind of joke? Because seriously, I've had it with people pranking me by tapping my phone and making it look like they know something they clearly have no idea about.
WADE: Oh, really? Well, we know that you don't write for the show. We also know those nasty executives are taking away your creative power.
(Buster looks intrigued)
SPARKY: Go on.
(in the voice of Adrian Maude) RK: This is Pete's buddy Dennis. I'm a mercenary for hire and I kill at will.
WADE: Dennis, shut the hell up with the role-playing and just tell him what you know.
RK: As far as I'm concerned, Nickelodeon is full of a bunch of money-obsessed, corporate bastards who have no basic understanding of morality. You have to find ways around the system, and that's what we're specialists in.
SPARKY: No offense, but I don't think you know about what this company is actually doing to us.
(in the voice of Billy Haig) JAYLYNN: Oh, don't we?
RK: Damn, your voice is masculine, man!
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm a guy, you got blasted in the head with a guitar? Look, Step #1 is actually pretty obvious: Turn in the episodes late. We call it the John K. Method. You miss deadlines, tell the executives you can't come to work because you're too sick to even move an inch. And since the media still believes you guys are behind the operation, you have the right to make alterations to your scripts if you need to. Those people at Nick are participating in illegal business.
BUSTER: But how can we make sure the episodes are late when we're not involved anymore?
JAYLYNN: Do I have to explain everything?
BUSTER: To me, yes.
JAYLYNN: You make sure you're involved no matter what. You annoy the executives and screw up their schedules so they have no time to work on your show. You make changes to scripts at the last minute, you delay production so they have no choice but to take what you already made so it doesn't look like the episodes are rushed and disjointed.
(in the voice of Brian Dropkin) WADE: Exactly. Follow these rules and you'll do better in school.
SPARKY: You do realize this has nothing to do with school, right?
WADE: You know what I mean, it was in my head so I said it! Look, we're going to keep calling you until we see changes in The New York Diaries. Having a man on the inside is all it takes to beat the machine.
BUSTER: Wait, what? I missed that witty statement, I was trying to touch my nose with only my tongue.
(Sparky sighs, along with the guys on the phone)
("Set 'Em Straight" by Eric B. & Rakim playing in the background)
Sparky and Buster have decided to follow the tips of their "advisors" and get the show cancelled or adjusted so much in the positive direction the executives will have no choice but to relinquish creative control. The John K. Method appears to work, as the boys routinely destroy finished episodes while making new, improved episodes. Although these episodes are getting better reviews from fans and critics, executives are not pleased with The New York Diaries' new non-conforming style. Scenes already finished during animation are messed with if the scripts aren't, forcing them to be redone and sent to Korea to get fixed. With little to no control over anything anymore, the executives start making mistakes like adding voices after finished animation or giving themselves more credit. Russell and Sarah are repeatedly scolded by Cyma while Sparky and Buster start taking more time off and enjoying themselves in New York City.
SCENE 9
Loews Regency Hotel
Interior RK and Wade's Room
New York City, New York
RK: Wade, I've been wondering something for the past couple weeks that I never bothered to say until now.
WADE: Well, what is it?
RK: What's the point of disguising our voices and making Sparky and Buster think we're somebody else?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, Wade. Aren't we just lying to them if we're doing this?
WADE: No. At the time, I still felt bad for our foolish decision and not listening to them the first time. But I just ran with it because...I don't know. It was fun? Maybe I didn't think this through like I usually to. I want to keep it vague. Sparky and Buster will find out the truth one day, just not anytime soon.
RK: Well, it's almost time to call them up. (in the voice of Adrian Maude) But I wonder if we should give them more tips. I mean, not everything there is golden. I'm pretty sure there was something about orange soda affecting how you do in math or some stupid shit.
BUSTER: You know, I really enjoy these advisors. They have been so helpful. A couple of weeks ago, I was depressed. Now I feel like flying out this window and crashing onto the ground below very dramatically. (long pause; Buster thinks about what he just said) Man, that was dark. Are they calling us soon or what? I have to sleep and this face is walking into that office tomorrow without any eye bags. It's a must.
SPARKY: I think so. It's always the same time. 10:28 PM.
("Me and My Broken Heart" by Rixton playing on Sparky's phone)
SPARKY: That's them.
BUSTER: You and your devotion to pop ringtones. That's why Diana and I always go in one direction.
(Sparky gives Buster a bored look for a while and then answers the phone)
SPARKY: Hello. Advisors?
JAYLYNN: I think we SHOULD tell them.
WADE: But...
(Jaylynn angrily stares at Wade)
(in the voice of Brian Dropkin) WADE: (sighs) Fine. It's time to come clean. We're not who you think we are.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
WADE: We're...
RK: Hey Wade, pedophiles keep tapping my phone and I'm scared shitless, can you fix it for me?
WADE AND JAYLYNN: RK!
RK: What? I thought you told him already. What the hell were you doing for the five minutes I was gone, playing with yourselves?
JAYLYNN: Kinda.
SPARKY: RK?! Wade?! Jaylynn?! YOU'RE the advisors?!
BUSTER: Damn, they're great voice modifiers. They sound like some rock band we're supposed to know.
WADE: Look, Sparky, we found this book at Nickelodeon HQ and...
SPARKY: Wait, you were in New York and you didn't even bother to see us?
WADE: We didn't want to. I mean, we wanted to but we were too scared.
BUSTER: Scared? About what?
JAYLYNN: Is that Buster? HI BUSTER, I LOVE YOU!
BUSTER: I LOVE YOU TOO, JAY!
(Jaylynn giggles, and RK and Wade look disturbed)
JAYLYNN: What? I can't be cynical all the time.
WADE: We wanted to give you this information to help with your show and free you.
RK: Yeah, to make up for not believing you about Nickelodeon.
SPARKY: But you still lied to us. You could've just been honest and helped us as yourselves. Doing this just proves that you still have some sort of problem with us. You don't want us to win, you just want them to lose.
WADE: No, trust me, it's not like that...
SPARKY: Believe me, it is. You don't have to call anymore, we have it under control.
(Sparky hangs up; long pause)
BUSTER: Hey, did you know that the WWE Network is only $9.99?
(Sparky angrily stares at Buster)
BUSTER: I'm sorry, I'm just naturally terrible with conflict.
SCENE 10
Nickelodeon Headquarters
Interior Lobby
New York City, New York
Sparky and Buster aren't even wearing a suit and tie, to further emphasize the chaotic nature of The New York Diaries lately.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm worried Testicular Sound Express is done for good.
SPARKY: No, it's not that bad. I just can't understand why Wade of all people would lie about that. The reasoning doesn't even make sense.
BUSTER: Hey, you know kids. 85% of what we do has no meaning whatsoever.
(Sparky looks at his W.W.A.M.D. bracelet)
SPARKY: What would Alex Mack do?
BUSTER: She would probably talk to her friends, clear things up.
SPARKY: She would, wouldn't she? You know what, why don't we...
(Cyma, Russell, and Sarah appear behind Sparky and Buster)
CYMA: HEY!
(Sparky and Buster turn around)
BUSTER: Oh, hey guys. We have some business to take care of so...
RUSSELL HICKS: No, you don't. You've been making us look like idiots for weeks now and we're going to do something about it.
SPARKY: What are you gonna do? Fire us?
CYMA ZARGHAMI: No, we're going to kill you. (Cyma holds up a gun and points it at Buster)
BUSTER: Is that shit real?!
SARAH LEVY: What do you think, retard?
SPARKY: Are you nuts?! You're going to kill two little kids?!
CYMA ZARGHAMI: You guys obviously hold the power now and we can't get it back. If we fire you, you're going to walk away with the victory. You CAN'T win. CYMA ZARGHAMI ALWAYS (BLEEP) WINS! So we're going to shoot you and nobody will know a damn thing!
(bored) BUSTER: You're going to murder two fourth-grade boys in a public area where gunshots and screaming are guaranteed to be heard?
SARAH LEVY: Nope, it's a silencer gun.
SPARKY: Wait, really?
SARAH LEVY: Nope, we're going to take you to the dungeon and do it.
BUSTER: We don't have a dungeon, you creep.
(Next thing you know, the five are in the dungeon. McRobb and Viscardi aren't seen because they're in the room with all the weapons.)
BUSTER: Oh, so we do have a dungeon.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: OK, who's up to bat leadoff?
BUSTER: Sparky, do you think we should flip a coin? I mean, I don't want to put you in this situation voluntarily, I think we should be fair about this.
SPARKY: Don't worry, Buster. No one's dying today. You guys are insane if you think you can get away with this.
RUSSELL HICKS: Yeah, we can. Nobody even knows about this place.
SARAH LEVY: So your bodies can rot here with the Nick Studio 10 kids.
(Sparky and Buster look towards the corner and see a bunch of skeletons covered in cobwebs)
SPARKY: Oh, so that's what happened to those annoying kids.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Yeah, even WE knew they were pandering too much. Not even the rats hump the bones.
BUSTER: That's cold, bro.
SCENE 11
Meanwhile, at the Regency Hotel...
(Wade, RK, and Jaylynn are packing their things. Wade is wearing a gold African medallion and a T-shirt that says, "My Fork Hates Pork.")
RK: Wade, do you really think it's a good idea to start packing? I mean, Sparky and Buster might need our help.
WADE: Dude, they despise us now because of our deception. The only thing we can do now is go away and hope things cool down.
RK: But what if they're in big trouble right now?!
JAYLYNN: Then they can handle it themselves.
RK: But...we're booked here one more night, you might lose a lot of money!
(Wade gives RK a blank stare when "Young, Gifted, and Black" by Big Daddy Kane plays as his ringtone.)
WADE: Hey, it's Viscardi.
RK: Since when did you two have each other as contacts?
WADE: I might have went into the dungeon the other day.
(Wade picks up the phone)
WADE: Saltalamacchia the Asiatic speaking.
JAYLYNN: Ewwww.
WADE: Wait, what?! Chris, don't play with me like that! OK, we're coming RIGHT NOW!
(Wade hangs up in a frenzy and his hands are shaking)
RK: Is this about what I think it is?
WADE: Will and Chris were hearing shouting in the weapon room and they snuck a peek. Apparently, Cyma Zarghami, Russell Hicks, and Sarah Levy are holding Sparky and Buster at gunpoint.
JAYLYNN: WHAT?! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!
WADE: YEAH, WE HAVE TO GO NOW!
SCENE 12
Nickelodeon Headquarters
Interior Dungeon
New York City, New York
(Russell is now holding the boys at gunpoint.)
RUSSELL HICKS: Will you guys please stop stalling? You're getting your brains blown out on the (bleep) floor, understand?!
BUSTER: Yeah, about that, Rush, I think there's something you should know.
RUSSELL HICKS: What?
BUSTER: Your shoe's untied.
RUSSELL HICKS: Wait, seriously?
("Invincible" by Adelitas Way playing in the background)
(Buster dropkicks Hicks and takes the gun. Sparky grabs a rope in that moment of table turning and starts choking Cyma. Sarah tries to intervene but Buster starts pistol-whipping her in the face. Russell scurries over to the shelf to get a butcher knife but Buster dodges the attempt to stab him. Instead, Buster shoots him in the leg which forces him to drop his knife, runs up behind him and gives him a Backstabber. Sparky gets the gun from Buster after getting it tossed to him and shoots Sarah twice in the chest and once in the head. Cyma kicks Sparky in the nuts and threatens to shoot him but Buster gives her a Zig Zag. Or at least he tries to. He sets her up for it but she turns it into a powerslam. She then throws the gun to the side and locks Buster in the camel clutch. Sparky tries to stop it but he falls back to the ground in pain.)
RUSSELL HICKS: Cyma? Cyma! I could help you with the...the thing.
(Russell collapses)
CYMA ZARGHAMI: You took out both my guys, so it's time to take YOU out. Now, who's up to bat leadoff?
(At that moment, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn come barreling down the steps and dive onto Cyma. Jaylynn grabs an iron stick and whacks Cyma in the head with it while jumping in the air. RK and Wade do a tag-team move where RK holds Cyma's legs and catapults her into a mysterious blinding white powder tossed by Wade while he jumps in the air.)
RK: Why do we keep jumping like that?
JAYLYNN: Because it's cooler that way.
RK: Oh.
CYMA ZARGHAMI: MY EYES, MY EYES!
(At this point, Will and Chris run out of the dungeon and salute Wade, RK, and Jaylynn, who all salute back. Sparky rises back up and takes Cyma down with a bunch of Daniel Bryan-style kicks to the head and chest. For some reason, Cyma is on her knees but doesn't lay flat on her back until Buster rushes the scene with a Busaiku Knee Kick.)
SPARKY: Guys, you...you saved our lives.
WADE: Look, man, I lied to you and I'm deeply sorry. I'm also sorry that I didn't listen to you, and so are they. (pointing to a smiling RK and Jaylynn) I think we can all agree that there were some big misunderstandings and we obviously learned something so why don't we just go?
BUSTER: We can't go! We're still under contract! And trust me, if you know what I know, we can't be pushing this shit another week.
SPARKY: Well then, there's still one more thing we have to do.
SCENE 13
Nickelodeon Headquarters
Interior Ms. Zarghami's Office
New York City, New York
(Sparky holds up a copy of the New York Diaries contract)
SPARKY: There are four copies of this contract. We burn this, it's over. Everything's over and we get back to our normal lives.
RK: Oh, that's good because lately, we've been missing a LOT of school with our antics.
JAYLYNN: I'm so proud of you guys that you were able to fight the power and beat the crooked corporate system. I don't know if I've ever told anyone this, and it's weird to hear me say this but...you guys are my role models and I have a lot of respect for you two.
SPARKY: Awww, lay it on me, old chum.
(Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn hug each other)
RK: Wade, I love you, man!
(RK squeezes Wade)
WADE: But RK, I didn't do anything.
RK: Please don't (bleep) up the moment.
(Cyma comes in, beaten and disheveled. Sparky is about to burn the contract with the match.)
CYMA ZARGHAMI: Please don't do it! I beg you, please don't! I have nothing! Me and my executives are just slaves to Viacom and we've been corrupted for years. I'll give you 100% creative control! We'll stay out of everything, just don't leave!
SPARKY: You don't get it, do you? The minute you realize your walls are collapsing around you is the minute you realize you're wrong. And if you're not realizing it, you're admitting it. Personally, I don't want to work for a bunch of spineless jellyfish like you and the rest of these executives. You guys never change. You're just going to continue on the same path you've been going down for years and you won't stop until someone finally breaks through your thick skulls. (Sparky burns one of the four copies, and keeps going)
CYMA ZARGHAMI: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME! RUSSELL, SARAH, MY BEST FRIENDS ARE GONE!
RK: I don't really see why we have to pity you. You were about to kill our best friends, (bleep) you.
BUSTER: It didn't have to be this way but you brought it on yourself. We were originally going to kill you, but you don't deserve the satisfaction of dying with what you did so you can live with that for years and years until you finally apologize in Hell.
(Sparky burns the last copy and then the original)
SPARKY: The New York Diaries is dead, you can make up another fake-ass story. By the way, you have a press conference tomorrow so make sure you get some shut eye tonight.
BUSTER: Yeah, you don't want anybody thinking you're not being taken care of. (snickering) Idiot.
(Sparky and Buster lead the way by leaving, while RK, Wade, and Jaylynn follow. Jaylynn actually does one last thing by spitting in Cyma's crying face and roundhouse kicking her.)
JAYLYNN: Weaksauce mother(bleep)er.
(Jaylynn spray paints a red X on the wall, puts up the middle finger and leaves.)
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express is watching TV, bored.)
BUSTER: Guys, I still feel like there are some loose ends to tie up.
WADE: What loose ends?
SPARKY: We murdered two people and assaulted the president of Nickelodeon.
BUSTER: Exactly. Aren't we going to go to jail?
SPARKY: Nope, because we're out of time.
(long pause)
RK: Buster, did you literally just come to that possibility after everything we went through and the plane ride home?
BUSTER: Yes.
("California Love" by 2Pac featuring Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
