"Well now gentlemen… what we have here is an impasse." Mal said with a calm yet determined voice. He looked carefully down the barrel of what he assumed was a fully loaded rifle aimed directly at his forehead. To his right, Zoe, never one to show a hint of fear, had her hands up along with a bag of money clutched tight in her right fist.
"Really Milo? After all the ruttin' work we done? We feed you and this how you act?" Jayne snarled angrily. The mercenary held his hands high as well, bitterly staring at the short potbellied man in front of them. His shape bore a striking resemblance to the lop-sided snowmen that River had made at the edge of the clearing where Serenity was currently parked. Inside the main hold of Serenity, the icy standoff continued.
"Come now Mal, you know I'm not the type to twist words. Hand over the money and this will all be-", Milo started, not quite getting his threat out before Mal abruptly interrupted.
"Might wanna do some thinking on that Milo, We just delivered to you 300 pounds of ammo, like we promised. Stole it good and honest like, no trace of being followed. It follows that you're makin' out plenty on this deal…ain't that right Zoe?" Mal questioned the exotic looking warrior woman without even turning his attention from the gun that still aimed dangerously at Milo's face.
"Like a bandit captain," She responded succintly, never breaking her gaze from Milo or his rifle.
"So?" Milo said looking painfully impatient.
"Seems to me yer' temptin' the fates… and memory serves they don't take kindly to bein' tempted." Mal said in a low voice, an ominous air surrounding them.
"I ain't got time for all that gorram nonsense. Verse is full-a lowlife's like you who ain't got the sense to do what ya's told. We's takin the money, now stop tryin' to be smart and hand it over quick like an' we'll be on our way." Milo said as the large fellow behind him started leaning awkwardly, losing his focus for a moment looking generally uncomfortable.
"You ever heard of Karma, Milo? Tends to come after those who don't do rightly by their agreements." Zoe said her eyes narrowing as she gave Mal a side glance.
"I'm startin to lose my...lose my..." Milo stopped talking all on his own. His face contorted from a clear internal pain as the sound of a large rumble pierced the still air, and the grip on his rifle wasn't as sure.
A moment later, all five of Milo's men, (who'd been ready to riddle the defiant three with holes,) began dropping like flies. One started sweating wildy, while another dropped his weapon, grabbed his stomach and fell to his knees... the largest one, a woman taller than Jayne, began heaving whilst clutching her stomach, and let her pistol slip from her hands. Her face was radiating a pale shade of white. Within seconds, Mal, Zoe, and Jayne disarmed the rest as they groaned in agony and clutched at their stomachs.
"Witch… witchcraft! What did you…HOW did you?-", Milo stammered, doing his level best to stay upright. He failed, spilling onto his knees along with his men. In the second his rifle hit the floor, Zoe snatched it, unloaded it in a flash, and discarded it a safe distance away.
"-Make you go all weak in the knees? Must be my cunning good looks... Ma always said I'd break a few hearts one day." Mal said whimsically as he brought his arms down as the peril was quickly passing.
"Got an excellent ear for double cross Milo. Seems one of your friends sent a wave to your boss explaining how you were gonna… what was the phrase?" Mal turned his head to the side for a response from one of his crew, his thin lips playing that lop sided smirk he was known for.
"...Dump our smelly hides after you got the money back!'" Jayne exclaimed excitedly as he grabbed the suffering fatman by the collar. Milo could hardly argue.
"That hearty stew ya'll had was courtesy of our doc. It included a little ingredient, helps folks see what they had for last night's supper without much delay." Mal said as he half looked up to the rafter above, where a smiling Simon stood next to an astounded Kaylee. Kaylee gave the doctor a wide eyed smile in amazement.
"I figured 'do no harm' didn't include painful intestinal incontinence." Simon said quietly to Kaylee as she shook her head in bemused agreement.
"Mal… please… you gotta know.. I didn't- I wasn't-", That was all he could muster over the pain. Jayne grabbed him up as Zoe led the rest of the bandits to the cargo door, Mal signaled Jayne to throw Milo out as well.
"Ya know, someone's gonna have to tell that boss of yours that when I do work, I expect payment. Now we're gonna throw your 'sorry hides' off my boat, as I don't have near enough clean bathrooms as it is. I'm not partial to cleanin' up after you and yours."
"Wash, get her spun up. We need to be off this rock in two…" Mal barked after punching the intercom near the rear hatch.
"Aye Captain, up in two." Wash said briefly through the intercom. Mal turned back to see Zoe and Jayne toss another of Milo's men into the soft snow. There was little argument as the various thugs were dealt with, the special ingredient added by Simon's cunning, disabling them entirely.
"You ain't gunna... you can't let us-" Milo began meek-fully begging, his plaintive cries cut off Mal's swift reply. The captain knelt down with his gun drawn, for what seemed to be a definitive mortal blow. At the last moment he pulled the gun back, and smiled.
"Not gunna what? Kill you Milo? No… come now. That'd be merciful, wait 'til you see what you got ahead. Doc tells me that this particular ailment will last until you've either puked or evacuated everything that went in for the better part of the week. With some rest and a little bit of luck, you might even be able to take solid food fore' U-day. Could be you think twice for robbing honest folk of what they got coming, dong ma?" Mal said; a fierce determination in his tone, as the punishment for the bandit's deeds became clear.
In a few minutes, the ship powered up. Mal turned to leave the groaning raiders as they lay on the ground in the sort of obvious pain that was on their faces despite the snow.
"But what are… we supposed to do?" Milo said groaning after Mal in a pathetic manner.
"Find some leaves," Mal said with little to no sympathy for the ordeal he was leaving the fat man in, as he hopped back onto Serenity's landing bay. "And maybe some new pants!" Jayne yelled in addition as the roar of the engines increased, and the doors locked securely as the craft lifted up from the snowy clearing.
Jayne's rumbling laughter began as Serenity cleared the tree line, and continued as the ship sailed it's way toward the Black.
...
"Nice work doc," Jayne actually sounded truly impressed for once.
"I can't believe it actually worked. I mean the Magensiate Diaxopil has a bit of an aftertaste, besides the violent diarrhea and stomach clearing properties of course." Simon said in a slightly proud manner that made River smirk as she loomed from a nearby vantage point on an internal brace.
"It was a smart notion, worked like a charm to." Mal said draining a cup of stiff coffee.
"Frankly, I'm surprised they had seconds," Inara said as she chuckled with Wash about it. Zoe stood giggling behind Wash, who was doing his best to not explode with laughter.
"Remind me to go on a very short diet when Simon's cooking turn is up!" He said as he finally laughed aloud.
Jayne sat with his legs up devouring a can of processed beans with a spoon that looked more like a long knife. River sauntered by, giving him one her trade mark grins.
"Gettin' harder to pull a job without complications." Zoe said rubbing her man's shoulders, bringing the difficulty back to mind.
"Yeah... well, I think he got off easy," The burly man muttered with a grimace. As he eyed his food suspiciously, and looked back at River with a worried look.
"Maybe so, but he's the only contact on Jian Ying that we didn't burn since our last stop. Live folks tend to be better for business than dead ones generally." The captain said as he got up to go to the kitchen.
Jayne tapped his foot on the small yet strong box of money.
"Still though, ten thousand credits split five ways… I can think of a few ways to spend this", He said reveling in the take.
"Five? What happened to 'good work doc'?" Simon retorted quickly noticing the math had seemingly changed.
"Did'ya get a gun pointed at your head?" Jayne asked pointedly.
"It's good to be warm… but not too warm…" River said to Simon with a strange urgency, that distracted him from the simmering confrontation.
"Six ways," Mal said disapproving of Jayne's notion quickly, "'sides we got some time for we can port to spend it, mean to swing by Haven for a spell put the word out for our next enterprise." Mal announced off-handedly, giving an impromptu itinerary.
"Mal," Inara started with a dulcet tranquil tone, but before she could get another word out, Mal interrupted.
"No, I said no once before, but now I mean it. And yes I know what you're gonna say-", Mal said as he prepared a new cup of coffee.
"Seriously? How could you possibly-" Inara's eyes searched right through him, as she tried her best not to argue.
"It's the same thing as last time, I'm not lookin' to get to cozy on one of them core worlds. Place like that makes a man soft…Money we got now is for the supplies and repairs." Mal said in a definitive manner that sounded as if he was desperate to have it settled.
"Well 'soft' men tend to have better hygienic standards. We've had barely enough time to rest after the last caper, and frankly I haven't been able to find a client in almost three weeks that was worth my time," Inara said defiantly.
"You could uh… widen your client base-", Jayne said in a manner that was meant to be seductive, but landed with a thud.
"I'll let you know if I ever start taking on moon brains that smell like gun oil…" Inara, said with an eye roll, not amused in any way.
Mal looked back towards Inara, taking in the companion's suitably beautiful attire. He constantly wondered where her dresses came from, as she seemingly always wore something that was shiny and new, even in the black for a month on end.
"Captain, If I can't work, then how am I expected to-" Inara looked him over, her eyebrows furrowed.
"Go HWONG-TONG… We go where the work is Inara, besides-" Mal was cut off as an alarm bell sounded. Zoe was on her feet before the first siren bleat finished.
"Gorramit!" Jayne said as he nearly toppled over in startled surprise.
"What's happening-?" Kaylee asked desperately.
"Emergency… cargo bay!" Shepherd Book's voice boomed over the intercom.
...
That's the end of the first chapter. As always, comments are appreciated! :) let me know if you'd like to read another chapter.
