Parody of Oedipus Rex

Part I: Truth Revealed

Or

The Mysterious Eyebrows

[After end of Antigone.Antigone, Creon, and Oedipus are dead. In the palace at Thebes, Ismene wallows like a pig in her misery.]

Ismene: Oh poor, wretched, miserable me. My father, mother, and sister and brother are dead! If that was not enough, my dear beloved uncle Creon has departed from this world to never return. Tis too much! I am left here to drown myself in mine own tears as the blood flows freely from my wrists! Oh to be young again and to frolic like the wind over a field of harvest wheat! I am gone, I am withering, I am undone. Save me O Zeus, king of the pagan gods! I call on your good-for-nothing power to bring back the creature that I once was! Bring back my joy! Bring back my happiness! [She thinks to herself as she rubs the scar in the form of a lightning bolt on her head.] Well, at least I am the heir to the throne.

(Enter Laius.)

Laius: Da Da Da Da Da. [Huming a tune.] What a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood. [Notices Ismene, and addresses her.] Would you be mine? Would you be mine?

Ismene: I hardly think that this is a moment for jest! Can't you see that I am wallowing like a pig in my misery? Are you blind?

Laius: Tut, Tut, that's no way to speak to a god!

Ismene: A god? By Jove! You're not....

Laius: Yes. Check for yourself.

[Ismene runs to the sacred hair chamber and searches for the lock of hair that used to be that of Laius before he shaved his head and became immortal. She begins to rub her bald head in confusion, and when she finally finds the right lock she yelps in joy.]

Ismene: Halt! Stand still whilst I test this lock against thine own!

Laius: But I'm bald, woman!

Ismene: That makes no difference. I shall test it against...thine eyebrows.

[Laius shrugs as Ismene approaches him and touches his face. He shuffles nervously.]

Laius: Are you yet finished? How long does it take to examine a man's eyebrows?

Ismene: Shut up! It's never been done before! [After she is done.] Good lord, you are Laius!

Laius: Yes, I have been made a god! Muahahahahahahaha!

Ismene: Why are you here? I thought you died!

Laius: It only appeared that I had died. Twas not so.

Ismene: Well, that certainly clears things up.

Laius: I have come to tell you something.

Ismene: Pray, tell.

Laius: Oedipus never really fulfilled his prophesy.[He tells her as he trims his fingernails.]

Ismene: [gasp]

Laius: Actually there was no prophesy to begin with.

Ismene: [gasp]

Laius: Good god woman is that all you do?

Ismene: [gasp] How did you know?

Laius: I'm a wise man of the world. [He strokes his chin thoughtfully.]

Ismene: Tell me all.

Laius: Sorry. Can't. I've got a game of golf with Hades to attend. Love to chat, but I gotta fly! [Sings.] So long! Farewell! Aufwiedersehn, goodnight. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight...

(Laius exits.)

Ismene: My father never fulfilled his prophesy? There never actually was a prophesy? What have I gotten myself into?