Rules

Sam Syn.Drome-A syndrome where the patient is faced with the urge to obsessively eat large quantities of ham, and violently abuse people, namely a Fredward Benson (see 'Wimp' for more information.)

Being Sam's friend was a full time job. You see, Sam had rules to being her friend. Yes, rules. She was a complicated person with complicated emotions; therefore there was a certain way to behave around her. How else could Carly have lasted so long being her friend, best friend none the less? Carly had made these rules after their first anniversary as friends. A year of studying her behavior had inspired this certain list of rules, which had been given to Freddie when he had become part of the gang.

Rule #1: Never, ever tell Sam about the rules. If you value your life even in the tiniest bit, you would avoid the subject of rules all together while in her presence. Sam is, surprisingly, a very sensitive person, and knowing people had rules just to hang around her would hurt her to no end. She is not a very nice person when she gets upset, just ask Freddie. Rule #2: Never insult ham. Just don't. Ham is the most important thing to Sam, and insulting ham is insulting Sam. And that leads us to Rule #3: Don't insult Sam. Period. Poor Fredward learned this rule the first day he met her.

"Sam! I want you to meet someone." Carly pulled a very shy, very nerdy Freddie out of his apartment to show to Sam, who was currently munching on a pack of ham she had just stole from a hobo, on the floor. "This is Freddie Benson, my next door neighbor who just moved here. He's starting school with us on Monday."

"So you're showing me a dork because…" It wasn't that Sam didn't like the kid; I mean she had just met him, but she was not really up for a new friend. Freddie noted this quickly. "Carly maybe I should just..." He gestured back in his apartment. This wasn't a new concept to him. Freddie was quite used to being friendless. Plus he could enjoy liking Carly from afar. It was easier that way.

"No!" Carly exclaimed. "I'm your friend, and Sam's my best friend, so I would love it if we all could be friends. Sam, apologize!" Carly scolded.

Sam rolled her eyes. Like that was going to happen. (See rule #10) "Whateves. Ain't there a movie we're supposed to being seeing?" Sam said standing up, having had finished her ham. Freddie looked shocked. No one had ever been so blatantly... rude before. Yeah, he had no friends at his old school, but people mostly ignored him for the fear of his crazy mom. "Yeah, that's probably best you go to a dark theater so no one can see your ugly face." Freddie thought he mumbled under his breath. Unfortunately for him, Sam heard this remark and stalked over to him. "Wanna repeat that nerd?" Poor, poor naïve Freddie thought Sam, being so little, and blond, could do nothing to him. Ignoring Carly's blatant hand waves, he repeated the insult. "I said I'm glad you're going to some place dark so no could see your hideous face!" "Oh really?" Sam said, incredulous. Who was this nub?

"Really!"

"I'll give you once more to take that back before I break your arm." Freddie scoffed at that. "Please. You're a blond. Could you even figure out what part of my body was my arm?" Carly had stopped waving her arms by now, and had to remember to print out a copy of the rules to give to Freddie later. Sam on the other hand was fuming. She might be lazy, but she was NOT stupid. She hated when people assumed that she was dumb just because of her hair color. She tackled Freddie to the floor and pinned his arm behind his back and beat his head against the carpeted hallway. "Guys! Please stop! Can't we just get along?!" Carly said, hopping up and down, but doing nothing to stop the fight because she knew how stupid that was. (See rule #21.) "Ahhh! Getoof me!" Freddie yelled with a face full of carpet. "Take back Dorkward!" Sam said, still forcefully banging his head into the floor. "Fine, I take it back!" Freddie said, struggling to get out of Sam's viper grip. Sam released him and Freddie backed up onto the door of his apartment. "You know Carly, I don't think us being friends will work. Sorry." He opened his door and quickly slipped in, afraid that Sam might follow him. "SAM!"

Carly managed, obviously, to get Freddie to be their friend again. She printed the rules out, explained them to him, and all was well. And that, my kiddies, is how Freddie meets Sam. But that's not the story we're telling here, is it?

Rule #4: Never mess with Carly. Not saying you'd ever want to, seeing as how Carly was really a nice person, but if you ever had the urge, don't. Suppress it. Sam is very protective over her friends, and yes, even Freddie. She WILL kick your butt if you ever laid a hand on Carly. Maybe Freddie on a good day. That being said, this leads us to Rule #44: Freddie is a close coworker. Noting more. A rule added after iCarly started, because by this time, Sam had started to warm up to Freddie. Not like she'd ever admit it though. But yes, Sam was Freddie's friend, and vice versa. An example of this took place just the other day. Freddie had gotten sick after hanging around Germy in AV club. Seeing as he didn't want to go home, because if he did, well, let's just say he would be having more needles stuck in him then a person with the common cold needs.

"Dork! Go make me a samich!" Sam said, breaking into the Shay's apartment once more. Nothing new, really. Except instead of Freddie hopping up and calling Sam a 'rude, vicious, demon, with no sense of respect for others'; he just groaned, waved his hand, and sneezed. "Oh geez! You're sick?" Sam asked, walking over to him, and inspecting him suspiciously. "Wat wnas yor fbirst clbue?" Freddie tried to say, failing though because of his mucus-infected nose. "Right. Well, make sure none of your sick germs get into my area, alright?!" Sam said backing away from Freddie. After that whole Missy incident with the rotten chocolates, Sam was really weary of getting sick. She made less and less stops to swirly Germy then usual. Freddie knowing this faked a cough and smiled. Sam just glared at him and ran into the kitchen to make her own sandwich.

Freddie had been sleep ever since same had gone into the kitchen and made her food, which was about an hour ago (she had made about 5 more since). All of a sudden he felt a sharp pain to his rib and open his eyes. On further inspection he saw Sam shoe nestled in his side, and her holding a glass of water and a bowl of soup. "Um, here. Carly said that this should make you feel a little but better so…" Freddie smiled at this. Carly was at the movies with Spencer, and she always turned her cell phone off, so there was no way Sam could have reached her. "Oh, thsanks." Even though she lied, Freddie was still really touched that Sam would do this, and wished he could have said so without her denying it. "Yeah, yeah. Just remember to keep your germs over there." Sam said, taking her foot out of his rib cage and plopping down to the floor next to him.

'What was she doing?' Freddie wondered. 'Sam didn't get this close to a sick person anymore. Why was she now?' Sam realized he hadn't touched his soup yet, so she looked up at him on the couch. "Well, you gonna eat that, or should I?" Freddie decided that things were better left alone with Sam. Besides, she would never tell him she was doing something nice. I mean that was Rule #9: Sam doesn't do nice. Smirking, Freddie picked up his spoon and took a big slurp of the soup. They both smiled as they watched 'Girly Cow' on the television in peace. And when Carly came home after 3 hours and saw Sam with her head back on the couch, resting in the crook of Freddie side, she would smile too.

Now wasn't that a nice story. But remember, Sam don't do nice, so never mention it, okay? Great… Let's see. Ahhh! Rule #22: Sam is still a girl, with girlish things happening to her. So when it is 'that time of the month' make sure to avoid her. Yes, indeady! Sam is most vicious at this period of the month (no pun intended), and this is why Gibby makes sure NOT to come to school every third week of the month. Probably why his grades were so bad. Rule #5: Don't tell Sam to do things, she'll just do the opposite. Sam is a very stubborn person, and refused to listen to what anyone said. Even Carly couldn't sometimes control her. Examples of times likes this would be the 'Swing Licking Incident', the time where Sam repeatedly licked Freddie phone (he said it smelled of ham weeks after this). There is one incident though more less none. An incident so… wrong, the gang has sworn never to speak of again. Yes, the 'Cotton Candy' incident.

Carly, Sam, and Freddie were very excited today. For today was the day of the city wide carnival! Spencer was literally skipping down the parking lot, as he made his way to the car his friend Socko's brother, Otto, had lent him. Yes, today was a day of fun. So that is why Sam and Freddie had decided to put aside their difference's and completely ignore each other so they could go the whole day without any arguing. As much as Carly wished there was a better solution, she knew there wasn't, so she just left it alone, and proceeded to enjoy her day.

After have ridden about every ride there is to ride at a city carnival, Sam had gotten hungry and demanded that someone buy her a cotton candy. Spencer handed her a five-dollar bill and she ran off to the concession stand. "I better go follow her to make sure she doesn't bite off the concession guy's head off for not giving her all blue cotton candy." Carly said, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, me too. I want some funnel cake." Freddie said. "You guys go ahead. I wanna ride the Ferris wheel again!" Spencer giddily said, pointing to his favorite ride in the whole park. "Go head, we'll be waiting at the tables near the stand when you're done." Carly said. Spencer nodded and ran off toward the line of people also waiting to ride the big wheel of merriment know as the Ferris wheel. Carly and Freddie caught up with Sam, who was currently eating an all-blue cotton candy happily. Carly sat down with Sam whilst Freddie got his funnel cake. Unfortunately for him (or fortunately, depends on how you look at it), all they had was cotton candy because they needed to make some more batter for the funnel cakes. And they were all out of blue, thanks to Sam who had demanded she get three times the serving then regular. So Freddie unhappily sat down with an all pink cotton candy. "God Fredweido, I always knew you were a girl, but this just proves it!" Sam said in a fit of laughter. Even Carly snickered. "Hey! It takes a real man to eat pink!" Freddie exclaimed angrily. "Yeah, but you're not a real man. I don't even think you're a real person, because no one human could be as nerdy as you!" Sam retorted back. "Guys! I brought they spray bottle with me!" That shut both Sam and Freddie up. Suddenly, a camera man came over. "Want a picture to remember this occasion? Best picture wins a year worth of free smoothies from the Groovy Smoothies!" Sam instantly jumped at this, and commanded that Freddie and Carly take the picture with her. The two agreed. "Nerd, gimme your cotton candy. I want to take the picture with two in my hands." Sam said, holding her arms out expectantly. "No, get your own!" "Fine, then I'm going to have to take it!" Sam lunged across the table trying to grab the cotton candy of Freddie hand. Carly just sat there, shaking her head. Rule #21: Never break up a physical fight when there's Sam involved.

Freddie on the other hand took off running. He ran around the table, running the opposite direction of Sam every time she would switch which way she was running. Eventually, Sam got tired of this and leaped across the table. Freddie was completely unaware to this, and screamed like a girl when Sam tackled him. He blocked his face foolishly with the cotton candy when they landed on the ground. "Mmmm... Cotton Candy." Sam said, licking her lips. "Sa...mmm. Please do...don't eat it!" Freddie yelled nervously. That did it. Sam took a giant bite of the sweet fluffy treat just as a flash went off. "Wow… this might be the best picture yet!" The photographer said. By now, Sam had rolled off Freddie and was munching on his cotton candy, while Freddie stood up, brushing his pants off. "Really, let me see." Carly said curious. She had been sitting there the entire fight; head down on the table, praying the two wouldn't draw any crowds. She ran around to where the photographer was standing, looking at the black and white photo he had took on his digital camera. Her face instantly paled. The picture was of Freddie on the ground, staring out at Sam with wonder, the cotton candy in between them with Sam taking a big bite out of it, her eyes closed, mouth formed into a smile. The picture itself was beautiful. The only problem was it look as if it the two people in it were a happy couple, enjoying themselves at the carnival, not her two bickering best friends. "You have to delete that photo." Carly said, shaking her head. "Why, what wrong with it?" Sam said walking over to where Carly and the photographer were standing. As soon as she saw it, she tried to snatch it from the guy's hand. The photographer was too quick, and snatched his hand up. "What's so bad about it? You guys were cute!" The camera man said happily, completely oblivious that the two weren't a couple. "What? What are you guys talking about?" Freddie said walking over after to have brought him a funnel cake, the batter ready. "Here ya go kid, take a look." The man handed the camera to Freddie, who dropped the funnel cake he was holding after he saw it. The photographer could easily see his distress and snatched the camera back, afraid he would delete the picture. "Look, I gotta go. Have to show this one to my boss!" He ran off, leaving a pale faced Carly, a Sam who was angrily gripping the cotton candy, and Freddie, who had began to bang his head against the table. Carly came to after hearing the rhythmic banging of Freddie head. "Freddie! Stop it! It's not so bad. Who to say the carnival owner will choose it?" She said sheepishly. He looked over at her. "Carls did you see that picture? It was gorgeous. He would have to be a fool to see that." Freddie said sadly. "Shut up dork. It's not like it was Picatto or anything." Sam said angrily stuffing pieces of the pink cotton candy into her mouth. "One, its PICASSO. Two, you should be worried too. They show those pictures on a huge screen at the end of the firework show, for all to see!" Freddie exclaimed, hoping Sam would make some brilliant plan to get the pic back. All she did was stuff more cotton candy into her mouth. "Guys, I think we should leave now. I mean the firework show is starting in," Carly looked down at her digital watch "five minutes. We'll just wait for Spencer, and then leave." They both nodded and sat down at a table, waiting for Spencer to return, two of the people at that certain table hoping that no one from school was here. "See, this is why I don't like pink cotton candy. It causes nothing but trouble. They should start selling ham here." Sam said, still stuffing the pink cotton candy into her mouth, even as she was insulting it. The other two members of the trio just rolled their eyes. Spencer ran over after awhile, giddy. "I managed to ride it three times!" He yelled, throwing his arms up in the air happily. "Whatever, can we just go?" Freddie asked, a little annoyed he had to miss the fireworks all because of Sam. "Sure, but what's wrong?" Spencer asked his face turning from happy to worry. "Nothing. I'll explain on the way home." Carly reassured her brother. "Ok then… of the car!" Spencer proclaimed, pointing to the parking lot.

After they got home and Spencer was clued in, they all agreed never to mention this again. In fact, they ankle swore. But that didn't stop Spencer and Carly going back the next day and getting a copy of the photo and the certificate to the Groovy Smoothies. I mean it was only for the smoothies. Really.

Another reason why the rules were made. If Sam had listened, and got off of him, they would have taken a boring photo that would have won nothing. Sam never listens. But then again, neither does Freddie. He really should of gave her the cotton candy.