Episode 3: Attack of the Cheese Lords
One day in the Lylat System, the Star Wolf team was cruising through space..............................
And guess
what? Among pilots, Panther Caruso was an ace.
Suddenly the team
received a transmission, interrupting Wolf's favorite TV show about
fishin!
"I am the cheese lord, Ghoutah, from Planet Amoutara!
I promise wealth, if you send me some cheese, and send me some
pronto! My planet's people are starving, and my last name is El
Gonzo!"
The Star Wolf Team glanced at each other in
disbelief.
"We've got to go get some cheese, and send some
cheese packages to Ghoutah El Gonzo! He might give us enough money
to
go buy a condo!" exclaimed Wolf.
"But we're outlaws,
we're crooks, heck, we are SHNOOKS! We can get money in a much easier
way! We can go rob
a starship, or beg Miyu or Fay!" responded
Panther.
"No no no, my fine little friends! It is cheese we
must find, and of which Planet Amoutara's future depends!" said
Wolf.
So the team set a course, set a course for Planet Kew. It
was there that the cheese industry flourished and grew. When they
landed on Kew, there was only one thing to do.
Buy some cheese,
from a farmer. An anthropormorphic fish guy farmer named Lou. They
were short on money. So the three friends, Panther, Wolf, and Leon,
decided to persuade the farmer with gifts.
"Panther brings
you greetings, greetings from the stars. We are three travelers, and
we bring you fine gifts! Some old plasma guns, a snowboard, and
re-chargeable fake Nova Bombs, how are those
for gifts? Specially
designed to relieve you of psychotic angry fits! Now now, will you
give us some cheese? If we gave you those gifts, would you, would you
please?" asked Panther. The farmer agreed, that those were fine
offers indeed. So he gave them some cheese, for cheese was their
need. And with that, the Star Wolf team blasted off the planet Kew
with blinding light-speed.
"We got it baby! We got the
cheese! Without having to pay any ridiculous fees!" said Wolf.
"I think we should have tortured him, and then stolen the
cheese! We could have gotten more, without having to say please!"
said Leon. Wolf simply scoffed, and wondered about the whereabouts
of
Planet Amoutara. Panther had loaned their star map to some cat-girl
named Sarah.
"Where the heck is Planet Amoutara?" asked
Wolf. Thankfully, Leon knew, and so they went there, and to get
there, they flew. When they arrived on the planet, the people there
so starved and deprived,
were relieved when they saw the Star Wolf
team flying above, and they were thankful to be alive.
"Alright,
little aliens, behold, behold, the POWER OF CHEESE!" said Wolf,
as he threw cheese down to the citizens out the window of his star
ship. He thought of himself as a cosmic Santa Claus,
and with
that, they flew back home, and Panther licked his paws.
"I
wonder if we'll be known as heroes now, instead of villains, now that
we delivered all those tasty little cheese spillins!" pondered
Wolf.
"I doubt that, seriously!" said Leon, who was
grimmacing. "Lord Ghoutah stole the cheese from the citizens
with some new "all your cheeses belong to us" act, and he's
using the food
to build weapons, weapons of war and great
evil!".
"WHAT?" protested Wolf. "That is
impossible! He's using the cheese to power his war ships! Now we'll
have to flee this galaxy, or we'll be blown into space chips!".
"We need to destroy Lord Ghouta's incoming armies! We need
to strike back, before they strike Corneria! Then we'll be known as
heroes!" suggested Panther.
"But our weapons are no
match! To strike back, we need cheese! And umm...I need to go weeze!"
said Leon, as he ran off to the little lizard's room. A transmission
came up on their
screen. It was from Team Star Fox. Fox Mcloud
began speaking.
"Corneria has perfected a new Blue Cheese
Blast Bomb, so while you guys are off playing Croquet or Ping Pong,
we'll be blowing the bad guys to smithereens!!!!" said Fox. Wolf
began panicking.
"We need to stop the evils of Lord Ghoutah's
armies before Fox does! Come on let's figure out how to get cheese!"
said Wolf.
"A way to get cheese, without torture or fees!
Yes, we can find come up with a recipe! A recipe for cheese! That is
it!" Panther.
"Ehh, none of us are chefs, and we don't
have chef hats! We aren't even rabbits, nor are we bears or cats!"
said Leon.
"We should go back to Kew. They're having a
cheese-off, so I think that's what we'll do!" Wolf decided
finally, after thinking and pondering for 30 minutes straight. When
they flew back to Kew,
and set foot on the planet's surface made
of green goo, they noticed the fishy farmer named Lou was having a
cheese-off with his twin brother, a boy named Sue.
"Let us
join this event, or you're dead meat! You won't have a head, let
alone arms or feet! And if we win, give us all your cheese! I mean
it! It's necessary for
the safety of the many galaxies!" said
Wolf pointing his plasma-gun at the innocent farmer. The fishy Anglar
farmer feared for his life, so he let them join in. Woah, Lou could
have lost his left fin! A cheese-off is a real event, it is
not
fake, it's true. It involves uneaten cheese still wrapped in plastic,
and a lit BBQ. The rules were simple as well, and the words that go
with them are easy to spell. Simply drop your plastic cheese pouches
on the all-holy grill, and hope your cheese pouch INFLATES before the
other ones do!
The Star Wolf Team won the event hands-down! They
got lots of cheese, and then blasted off into the stars! They used
their little star ships, not magic horses or cars.
"OH NO!"
thought Wolf. "Where's Pigma? He's gone! I haven't seem him
since yesterday's dawn!". Suddenly another transmission came up
on the screen. It was from Pigma.
"ATTENTION STAR WOLF TEAM!
I have joined up with Star Fox again, and with the good guys, I
swing! I'm a traitor! I switch sides constantly, I guess it's my
thing!" said Pigma.
"The only weapons-mechanic on the
team! Without him, our cheese is useless, and I think I'm gonna
scream!" said Wolf. As time passed on, and Wolf was feeling
suicidal,
yet another transmission popped up on the TV screen,
during Lylation Idol.
"This is Beltino Toad, weapons builder
extrodanaire! I'm availible all day, except when I'm playing
abandonware! I can even turn cheese blocks into nuclear SUPER NOVA
bombs!
Star Wolf, I'll help you! I feel sorry for you guys! You
aren't really bad, you're just rogues and that's cool! Star Fox is so
full of themselves, so full of bull!" said Beltino. After
sending their
cheese blocks to Beltino Toad, they thought they
were heading towards VICTORY ROAD!!!!!!!! The Star Wolf Team flew
towards Planet Aquas, and began planning their vacation, should
they
stop the baddies before Star Fox did, and should the Star
Wolf team succeed, on behalf of the people of Lylat, wow what a
revelation.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? BELTINO BETRAYED THEM!
He used their cheese to build bombs, but with them, he blew up all
the Star Wolf Team's ships, and they all crashed unto the seas
of
Aquas, and the giant space fishies were licking their lips! The
Star Wolf team, all soaking and wet, walked slowly to the shores, all
of them arm in arm. They were worn out, exhausted, battered,
and
torn.
"I guess we'll never win! We're failures! It's cuz
we're criminals I guess!" said Wolf with a sigh.
"Yeah,
and it's cuz Pigma turned into a Star Fox spy!" suggested Leon.
Flying above them was good o'l Andrew Oikonny. He thought that the
Star Wolf team was acting silly and whiny. He told them he'd help
them get new jobs that weren't criminal or slimy.
AND SO THREE YEARS LATER.......
Lord Ghouta's forces were defeated! The Star Fox team prevailed.........with Pigma back on their side, and with weapons of cheese!
AH, THE POWER, OF CHEESE!
THE END
PART 3 is nigh! Look for the third silly tale in this series coming soon!
