OK, before we get started, I'd just like everyone to note that this is subtle humor, and if you've never read a fanfic with a Mary Sue in it, you won't get it. Also, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, Envy would be there 24/7 because he's the best Homunculus. Also, I'd force Cartoon Network to show the new episodes, because I need Wrath to be introduced for my eternal happiness. Because he's a cutie pie. And that's about it. Maybe Gluttony would get eaten by an elephant or something. But it would be cool, and full of awesomeness. But the show isstill cool, and full of awesomeness. AndI love it.But I bet I'mboring you,so I'll stop rambling on about nothing now, and let you read.
Chapter 1: A New Face

Ed and Al were wandering through a busy marketplace, asking for information on the Philosopher's Stone. No one knew anything about it, and so they sat in the alleyway while Ed ate an apple he'd bought. Suddenly, a girl walked up to them. She had long, flowing, curly blonde hair that gleamed in the sunlight like gold. Her dark blue eyes gleamed like sapphires, and her rosy cheeks had heart-shaped tattoos on them. Her long-sleeved blue dress enhanced the beauty of her eyes even more. Ed blushed, and didn't know what to say to this girl.

"Hello," she said. "I heard you looking for information on the Philosopher's Stone?"

Her soft voice rang out like a beautiful bell.

"Well," said Ed, "I, uh, um..."

"Yes," said Al.

"I've heard a bit about it from my father," she said. "I don't know much, but I know that it amplifies alchemy and stuff."

"We know that," said Ed. "What's your name anyway?"

"Talandra," she said.

"That's a pretty name," said Ed.

He was still overcome by her radiant beauty.

"So, are you searching for the Philosopher's Stone?" she asked.

"Yes, we are," said Al.

"Hey, I have a great idea!" said Ed. "She can come with us! That would be awesome and filled to the brim with uber-coolness!"

"Uh, I don't know if that's such a good idea brother," said Al.

"Of course it is!" said Ed persistently.

"I suppose I could go with you," said Talandra.

The wind started to blow and her golden locks flowed through the air.

"Um, all right," said Al, finally giving in.

Ed whooped several times and jumped up and down for a while before he noticed that Al and Talandra had left. He quickly ran up to them and they left the city, entering the deep forests that surrounded its borders.

That night, they pitched the tent and started a fire. Al had gone to bed, and Ed and Talandra were blankly staring into the flames, not saying a word. Ed looked at Talandra and noticed a shining blue bracelet with every kind of expensive blue stone imaginable. Ed broke the silence.

"That's a pretty bracelet," said Ed.

"Oh, thank you," she said, looking up at him.

"But not as pretty as you," said Ed, trying to be romantic.

She chuckled.

"Thank you, Ed, that's so sweet," said Talandra.

"So where did you get it?" asked Ed.

"Well, my mother gave it to me," she said. "Before..."

"Before what?" asked Ed inquisitively.

"Well, when I was five, my father left my family for another woman," she said. "I was so young at the time I didn't understand what had happened. When I was twelve, my mother told me what had happened, and I became very sad. To cheer me up, she gave me this bracelet. It's the one that my father gave to her on their first date. I wear it all the time. When I turned fifteen, which is the age I am now, my mother contracted a horrible disease that affected her mind. She went insane and killed both my younger brothers. Then, she killed herself. I was very depressed. I was all alone, and in a frenzy, I decided I wouldn't live without them. So I tried to create homunculi of them with alchemy. But something went wrong. I lost all of my limbs and then got them replaced with automail. Then, I decided to find my father in the hopes that he might have a way to restore my body to normal. That's when I met you..."

She trailed off, staring into Ed's eyes. He was staring back into hers. They moved their faces closer and closer together, when...

Al came screaming out of the tent.

"What's wrong?" asked Ed, braking away from Talandra.

"Envy turned into a flashlight and went into the tent!" said Al.

Envy came rushing out afterward.

"You snore so loudly!" said Envy, pointing to Al.

"How is that even possible?" asked Ed.

"Uh, I, well, um, I, uh," said Envy. "I don't know! But it just is! It doesn't matter anyway, because I'm going to kill you now!"

He pulled out a gun and started firing at Ed. But Ed was in shock, and couldn't transmute anything in time. So Talandra stepped forward. There was a huge cloud of smoke, and when it cleared, there was a huge wall in front of them!

"What's going on?" asked Envy. "Lust, go attack them or something!"

Suddenly, Lust jumped out of a tree and started attacking everyone with her razor-sharp fingernails. Talandra kept dodging her blows, but couldn't do any damage. So she clapped her hands together and touched them to the ground, where a spear suddenly came up. She started fighting with Lust and easily drove the spear into her head. Lust fell to the ground.

"Now it's your turn!" she said, pointing the spear at Envy.

He suddenly noticed her, with her gleaming eyes and shimmering hair. Lust came up from behind her and tried to chop her arm off, but because it was automail, it didn't work, because her automail was made of a special titanium-steel alloy which Lust probably could have cut through but didn't because Talandra was special. Envy looked extremely uncomfortable. He then turned into a hawk and flew away.

"Envy, you idiot," said Lust, running into the woods.

"Who were those people?" asked Talandra.

"They weren't people," said Ed, "they were Homunculi. They've been trying to get me to forge a Philosopher's Stone for them."

"Let's hope they don't come again," said Talandra. She yawned. "I'm going to bed."

She walked into the tent and fell asleep, with Ed and Al following soon after.

Meanwhile, at the Homunculi's lair...

"Envy, what were you thinking?" asked Lust.

"I... don't know," he said.

"When you saw that stupid ugly girl you clammed up!" she said.

"She's not ugly!" said Envy. "And she's not stupid. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! And the way she wielded that spear was incredible."

"So you're saying she's more beautiful than me?" asked Lust.

"Yes, by far," said Envy. "Her locks are golden and shimmery, yours are just black and, uh, not shimmery! And her eyes are the deepest and purest shade of blue I've ever seen, and yours are-"

He was suddenly cut off by Lust cutting him to pieces with her fingernails. He then turned into an amorphous blob for a moment and then turned back into himself. Suddenly, the door opened and Wrath walked in.

"Oh, uh," he said. "Can you get out for a second?"

"Go away, Wrath!" said Lust. "We're having a private talk!"

"Well, you're in the bathroom," he said.

"Just hold it and go away for a second!" said Lust. "We're having a grown up talk!"

"Hey, I'm just as grown up as you!" said Wrath.

"No, you're not!" said Lust. "Just get out of here! We don't want you near us!"

"You ugly butthole!" said Wrath, grasping her arm and starting to gnaw on it.

"Get off!" said Lust. "Stop biting me! You aren't Gluttony!"

Wrath wasn't paying attention. Without anyone noticing, Envy slipped out of the lair and set out to find the one he loved...


Do the Homunculi even have a lair? I dunno. Review please!