Love's Recovery
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
Indigo Girls - "Love's Recovery"
"Mom? I messed up," Lena said into the phone. She paced the halls of an empty house, taking advantage of a moment alone to confess her sins to someone who would give her an unpleasant - but needed - reality check.
"What happened, honey? Do you need me to dispose of the body?" Dana laughed at her own joke, but Lena was too anxious to find it funny.
"Things haven't been so great with Stef lately," she started.
"Oh, no. You didn't. I thought I raised you better than that," Dana interrupted.
"You remember how Stef and I got together, right? That ship has sailed." If Lena was going to wallow in her guilt, she was going to do it completely.
"Tell me what happened - just spit it out and we'll figure out how to fix it."
"My boss kissed me."
"Wow, when you go for complicated, you don't mess around," Dana commented.
Lena knew her mother wouldn't be able to help editorializing, but she grit her teeth and continued. "She and I have gotten close lately - I told her about everything that happened with Frankie and Tim and the problems Stef and I have been having."
"What do I always say? Criticize your partner in private and compliment them in public."
Maybe this was a bad idea. "Right, so I didn't take your advice, and now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I'm not happy, Mom. Stef doesn't talk to me - she's making questionable decisions that negatively affect our family, and we're fighting more than we're not. I can't go on like this."
"Oh." Dana seemed stunned into silence. "You're not asking for advice on how to get Stef to forgive you - you're thinking of leaving her."
Hearing it so starkly made Lena's stomach twist, but she couldn't deny it. "Yes, that's one possibility."
Dana recovered quickly. "Let me walk you through the reality of separating and parenting three kids."
"Five," Lena interrupted.
"You have no rights to Brandon. It would be his choice whether or not to maintain a relationship with you. Do you think he would be happy with the woman who broke his biological mother's heart?"
"I stepped up for him when his dad messed up - I've been as much his parent as Mike has, if not more." Lena couldn't imagine Brandon not being her son.
Dana's tone was mild. "Of course you have. But he's a moody teenager, and they're not known for making the most rational of decisions."
Lena was afraid to ask her next question. "That accounts for one of the kids you subtracted. Who's the other?"
"You and Stef are in the process of adopting Callie. You can't do that jointly if you're not together. In fact, I imagine your foster license would be in jeopardy, and she might have to move out. That poor girl will be disappointed yet again."
Lena felt sick at the thought, but she didn't speak. Dana was content to continue to paint a vivid picture.
"Do you remember what it was like for Stef with Brandon when you met them? Parenting just one child alone was challenging. That's part of why you moved in so quickly, isn't it? Just imagine having to take care of three kids by yourself every other week. How disruptive would that be for them, not to mention how stressful it would be for you?"
Lena pictured the kitchen each morning, the delicate dance she and Stef conducted, each of them doing their part to ensure everyone ate their breakfast and had a lunch to take with them, the way they negotiated the squabbles over the shower and still managed to get out of the house on time. She couldn't imagine the same scene as the only adult.
Still, it wasn't that simple. "My relationship with Stef is crumbling, and I'm not sure we can fix it. So, what, I should just stay and be unhappy for the sake of the kids?"
Of course her mother had an answer. "No, you should work on being happy again - not just for the kids, but for yourself and for Stef. You both deserve the best. Do you think I've been happy with your father every moment of our marriage?"
Lena assumed this was a rhetorical question, but she pondered it all the same. Her parents had always seemed like a model couple, but she knew there were times her mother got irritated with her father's passivity and her father got frustrated with her mother's strong personality. Maybe there was even more under the surface that they had managed to keep from her.
Dana continued, "Of course not. But I always kept our relationship my top priority, and I saw the bad times as temporary. I knew our commitment to each other was stronger than any fleeting issue. Let me ask you a question - do you love your boss?"
Lena hesitated. Whatever was going on with Monte wasn't love, but the attention was flattering. "No, but…"
"But she listens to you and sympathizes with your side of things and makes you feel special?" Dana filled in the blank.
"Yes," Lena admitted.
"That's your wife's job. And if she hasn't been doing it, you need to tell her that and make the time to rebuild things. While you're at it, you need to check yourself to make sure you're doing your part to provide the same for her. Can you honestly say you've held up your end of things?"
Lena considered how much she hadn't told Stef, how she had quickly criticized her wife's decisions without listening to Stef's rationale.
"No, I haven't."
"Have you told Stef about this kiss?"
Lena hedged. "Well, no. There hasn't been a good time, with the car accident and making sure Ana and her baby are settled at her parents' house. And it's not going to happen again. It was just a stupid little thing. Besides, it's not like I kissed her - she's the one who initiated it."
Dana chuckled. "Those are all excellent excuses, darling. There will never be a right time - if you put it off, you'll always keep finding reasons not to tell her. And your problems will continue. Even if you try to work on things, you'll have this secret getting in the way. Do you want to work on things? Or do you want to walk away?"
Lena paused her pacing, took a deep breath, and let it out. She loved Stef, she just didn't love what was happening in their relationship. But her mom was right - this could be temporary if she and Stef changed course.
"I want to work on things."
"Good. Then work on things. Remember, you should love Stef for who she is, not in spite of it. I know she's protective and headstrong, but you knew that when you chose to be with her."
Did I? Lena thought back to the beginning of her relationship with Stef. The woman she met and fell in love with was tentative in some ways, not always confident outside of work. It was in those first few years of embracing who she was that Stef became more sure of herself.
"I'll tell her tonight, no matter what. Thanks for talking with me, Mom. This was hard to hear, but it helped."
"I'm so glad you called. I hate that you're going through this, but I believe in you. I know you can work this out."
"I hope you're right."
"Tell Jesus I hope his broken foot heals quickly, and I'm sorry he had to postpone Flintwood."
"I will. He's pretty disappointed, but after such a scare I can't say I'm sorry he's home."
"I understand. I love you."
"I love you too, Mom."
Lena's head spun. Stef was kissing her neck, while her hand slipped under Lena's shirt. It felt incredible, but her accelerated heart rate had as much to do with her guilt as it did with her arousal.
Lena had every intention of confessing when she closed the door to their bedroom that night. But Stef had looked at her with a softness she hadn't seen in months and had pulled her down onto the bed. Why did Stef choose this of all the nights to do more than grunt good night and go right to sleep?
She was torn, wanting so badly to let things continue. Maybe they could work things out without Stef ever knowing about the kiss. Maybe Stef was changing, and everything would be fine. Maybe Stef would be the one to leave her if she found out what happened, and this would be the last chance Lena would have to be with her like this.
Stef's hand moved lower, and Lena stiffened.
"Monte kissed me," Lena blurted out.
Stef rolled off of Lena, a stricken look in her eyes. "What?" was all she managed.
Having begun the conversation with no plan, Lena wasn't sure what to say next. "It was nothing - it just happened. We were talking at work a couple of weeks ago and she kissed me."
Stef narrowed her eyes. "Kisses between married lesbians and their ostensibly straight bosses don't 'just happen.' And you wouldn't have that guilty look on your face if it was nothing."
Lena looked away. She took a breath to say something, but there was no point in denying Stef's statement. She sighed and shrugged.
Lena's apathy sparked anger in Stef, who had been too stunned up to that point to fully react. "You cheat on me, and all you can do is shrug?"
Stef sat up and pulled a pillow onto her lap. Anything to create distance between her and Lena. Her tone became sarcastic. "'Oops, honey, I kissed another woman. It was nothing, just a violation of the marriage vows we took a year ago. Just a betrayal of the twelve years we've been together. No biggie.' Am I supposed to just shrug too, and sleep with you like normal?"
Lena sat up as well. "No, I want us to talk about this," she started, but Stef wouldn't let her finish.
"Oh, so you do want to talk about it? How was it? Were her lips soft? Did you make out for awhile? Maybe fool around a bit?"
Lena flinched. "No! She kissed me, and I pulled away."
Stef gripped the pillow tightly, her knuckles white. "What was she doing so close to you that this could happen in the first place? There's no way I'm going to believe she has some out-of-nowhere crush on you and attacked you with her lips."
"We were on her couch talking. I was upset, and she gave me a hug. When we pulled apart, she kissed me."
Stef paused for a moment. Her voice was quieter when she spoke again, the anger no longer present. "What exactly were you so upset about? I have a feeling it wasn't the latest in curriculum development."
Lena was mute yet again, her expression sad.
"I see. It was me." Lena's face confirmed it, and Stef's anger returned. "You were spilling your guts to your boss, complaining about how terrible your wife is, and she couldn't help but feel sympathy for you."
Lena sat up straight and finally fired back. "You may not be kissing Mike, but you're so far into his business it feels like you're still married to him."
Stef was confused. "What the heck does Mike have to do with any of this?"
"Probably the same thing Monte does - in the end, nothing."
"Nothing? What are you talking about?"
"Us. I'm talking about us. Things haven't been good between us for awhile, and Monte and Mike are just symptoms of it."
"What do you mean things haven't been good? I know it's been a little rough lately, but there's been a lot going on, with five kids and all their drama -"
Lena cut her off. "Are you happy?"
Stef hesitated.
"That's what I thought," Lena replied.
"Clearly you're not happy." Stef was back on the offensive.
Lena's eyes were fiery. "Honestly? No, I'm not. You've shut me out lately. You're off making huge decisions that impact our entire family, and you don't talk to me about them. You obsess about every decision your ex-husband makes, and you blackmail Robert, work to get Callie emancipated, and move Ana into our house, all without cluing me in."
That was a pretty long list. But Stef wasn't going to stay on the defensive. "So it's my fault you're out kissing another woman? You're not happy with me, so it's okay to go off and find happiness with someone else?"
"Don't put words in my mouth. I was honest with you. I want to deal with this."
Stef wasn't appeased. "You want points for honesty? You kiss someone else, and I'm supposed to be happy because at least you told me about it? I can't believe, with everything this family has been through, that you would -"
"I'm sorry."
Stef stopped her rant.
Lena continued, "I'm sorry I let it get this far. I'm sorry I got close to Monte when I wasn't happy at home. I'm sorry I hurt you."
Stef's face fell, and she couldn't help the tears that came to her eyes. The anger dissipated into sadness, and she let the realization that her marriage was in trouble wash over her. "What are we going to do?"
"We should go to marriage counseling. We need professional help." Lena felt in over her head. Her tentative efforts to communicate with Stef up to that point hadn't worked, and she wasn't sure what to try next.
Stef tried to keep the bitterness out of her tone as she responded. "We have five kids - we don't have the time or money to go to counseling."
Lena's voice was tight. "Then what do you suggest?"
Stef threw up her hands. "I don't know? Can we just buy a book or something? There's got to be something out there that can help us that doesn't cost an arm and a leg that we can do at home in what little spare time we have."
It wasn't Lena's preference, but she decided if it failed she'd have more ammunition to advocate for going to therapy. "Fine. We'll find a book. But this is serious. You - we - have to commit to this."
"Like we committed to love each other faithfully? Yeah, I can do that." Stef was reeling, yet she had enough self-control not to make things worse in this moment. There were so many nasty things she could think of to say - wasn't she the wronged party? - but if she did she wouldn't be able to take them back. She refused to even consider the possibility that she and Lena could break up, and the momentary satisfaction of landing a verbal blow wasn't worth it.
Lena chose not to rise to the bait. "Let's just go to sleep. We can figure out our next step tomorrow."
"Fine, I'll build the pillow wall."
Lena wasn't sure when she'd last felt so on edge. In the weeks since the kiss with Monte, she had avoided her boss as much as possible. She and Stef had barely spoken in the two days since her admission, and trying not to let the tension show in front of the kids was a strain. Finally, it was the weekend, and while the kids were all out and about she and Stef had agreed to try to select a book to help them work on their relationship.
"We're putting an awful lot of pressure on this book," Stef commented as they sat close enough on the couch to see the laptop without actually touching each other.
"Let's not overdo it. The main thing is we're committing to consciously work on our relationship. The book is just a tool to assist us." Lena's words belied her continuing fear that nothing could save their marriage.
"Right." Stef typed "marriage counseling book" into Google and awaited the results. They appeared to be mainly textbooks aimed at psychology students.
"Maybe try 'relationship self-help book'?" Lena suggested.
Stef looked like she wanted to say something but kept her mouth shut and typed it in. This time the results seemed geared toward unhappy individuals.
Lena rolled her eyes as she looked down at what Stef typed next - "help me save my marriage."
" ? Fox News resources? I think not. Here, let me have the laptop."
Stef wordlessly passed the computer, but her expression was skeptical.
Lena typed "lesbian relationship book," and this time the results were more promising.
"'How to Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Partner' - wordy title, but at least it's strengths-based," Lena commented.
"'Loving Lesbians: Exploring the Uniqueness of Female Relationships' - good grief." Stef was unimpressed.
After a few minutes of clicking on options, they settled on "Grounded: a Guide to Re-establishing Your Foundation."
"Apparently all the titles are wordy. They're probably going to want us to process a bunch, huh?" Stef hated processing.
"We're probably due for a little processing," Lena pointed out.
"Probably," Stef acknowledged. "What do we do between now and when it arrives? Continue to avoid each other in the same house?"
"Is that what you want?" Lena was trying to give Stef the space she needed, for the moment. As much as Lena wanted to jump into addressing their issues, she knew her kiss with Monte was still the thing Stef was focusing on. Lena wanted the support of an external resource to help them tackle the myriad other issues they needed to work through.
"Yes. No. I don't know. Let's just try to not make things worse, how about that? We don't have to avoid each other completely, but let's just call a truce on the heavy stuff."
"Okay, I can do that."
"Will you read into it if I go for a run right now?" Stef asked, standing up.
Lena smiled ruefully. "I'll try not to. Go, blow off some steam." She waved her hand at Stef and slumped back against the couch.
Apparently, they weren't doing a great job of keeping their tension from the kids. Thirty seconds into driving Callie home from work, Stef had to field her very blunt question: "Are you and Lena getting a divorce?"
Stef wanted to immediately deny it, or ask Callie why she thought that. But she knew why, and she respected the young woman too much to brush off the inquiry. At the same time, she didn't want to bring a teenager into her parents' drama.
She paused so long, choosing her words, that Callie filled the silence. "I got nominated to ask. Jesus and Mariana were chickens. And Brandon said there was no way it was a possibility. Poor Jude has been cleaning everything he can think of in an effort to be helpful, as though that has anything to do with your issues. Everyone knows he's already the good kid."
Stef couldn't help laughing. "Is that why the floors are always shining lately? What a sweet kid." She sobered. "I'm sorry we've let this affect you guys."
Callie pressed, "You still haven't answered my question."
Stef gripped the steering wheel tighter than necessary. "I want to say 'no.' As much for you guys as for me. But I can't predict the future. What I can promise you is that Lena and I will work as hard as possible to fix whatever's not working between us and to make sure you guys all know how much we love you. This has nothing to do with any of you - sometimes couples have troubles, and Lena and I are no different."
She glanced over at Callie to see how she responded. The girl looked a little less tense, but her hands were still twisted together in her lap.
"I know it's scary when your parents fight. I'm so sorry this is making you guys worry."
Callie still looked a bit skeptical, but she nodded.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
Building the pillow wall had become automatic. Stef still felt the sting of Lena's betrayal, even if she understood rationally that Lena hadn't exactly cheated on her. The emotional connection Lena had clearly forged with her boss hurt at least as much as the kiss.
"We need to say something to the kids about what's going on between us. They're worried," Stef said to Lena as she placed the last pillow.
Lena's forehead wrinkled. "You want to involve the kids in our marital issues? Let me guess - you want a chance to paint me as the cheating harlot so they'll be on your side."
Stef put up her hands. "Whoa. That's awfully harsh, don't you think? Or is that the guilt talking?"
Lena looked away as Stef continued, "Apparently, Callie got nominated to ask me if we're getting a divorce. I don't want their information about what's going on to be filtered through an anxious teenager."
"What did you tell her?" Lena asked.
"I said we were working on things, that we loved them, and that this isn't about them."
Lena couldn't find any fault with that. But she still tried. "So now you're all for openness and honesty? You sneak around gathering intel on Callie's birth father and trying to get her emancipated, but suddenly you want to communicate openly?"
Stef was taken aback. "You don't actually disagree with what I'm suggesting - you just want to stay mad at me. I'm trying to do the right thing for our family."
Lena tried to keep her voice down, but it still felt like she was yelling. "That's always your excuse - that you're protecting us. But that allows you to do whatever you want without input from anyone else. That way no one can tell you it's wrong. You shut me out when I'm supposed to be your partner. I can't live like that."
"I'm not shutting you out now! It's not like I called a meeting with the kids and spilled my guts about our problems without talking to you. Why are you mad about this? I'm trying to do the right thing."
Lena's shoulders sagged. She wasn't really mad about Stef's suggestion. It was actually a very good idea. If she were totally honest with herself, she'd have to admit she was mad - maybe even jealous - that Stef was willing to be so open with the kids, when she'd spent so much time recently not communicating with her. Now that Lena had let Stef know how serious their problems were, she couldn't seem to stop herself from bringing them up.
"You're right. We should talk to the kids. I'm not mad about that."
"Okay. Can we save what you're really mad about for when the book comes? I thought we agreed to table the big stuff until then."
"Fine," was all Lena said before turning off the light getting into bed. She faced away from Stef, her body as far towards the edge as it could be without her falling off.
Having vented, Lena managed to fall asleep relatively quickly. But Stef lay awake on the other side of the mountain of pillows, trying to make sense of the evening. She hated that the kids had not only noticed what was happening with her and Lena but had also been so upset about it that they made Callie ask about it.
On top of that, Lena's anger and frustration had been so clear Stef finally had to face how threatened their marriage was. The kids had seen it. Stef had just chosen to pretend it wasn't that serious. She was mad enough at Lena for kissing Monte, but ending their relationship had never crossed her mind. Lena, though, clearly had a great deal of negative feelings she was just getting started letting out.
I can't live like that echoed in Stef's mind. It sounded like Lena had thought about getting out, had seriously considered leaving. The implications were more than Stef could imagine, and she had been through them once before.
Poor Callie - she had understood. No wonder she was so anxious. If Stef and Lena broke up, there was no way she could be adopted by them. There wouldn't even be a custody issue. Stef knew she had to fight for her relationship, if only for the kids' sake. She just didn't have a clue where to start.
That book had better be amazing.
A/N: I listened to Brandi Carlile's The Firewatcher's Daughter on repeat while writing this (the story is complete and will be updated at least once a week) - I highly recommend it in general, but it also aligns with the overall vibe of the story if you're interested in a musical companion piece.
