A/N: I'm diverging from my usual habit of writing one-shots and have graduated to writing two-shots. I'm quite fond of them now. I haven't written a comedy fic in a very long time, so I hope you enjoy this one!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VII.
Somniloquy
Part One
By crazykitsune17
"What is it with teenaged girls and their freakish damned obsession with 'who likes who'?" Cid roared in Yuffie's face after being asked for the thousandth time, "Who do you like, Cid, huh? Is it Shera? Do you love her?"
"Whaaat?" Yuffie whined. "It's just a question. Dunno why you hafta get so uptight about it, you crappy-assed pilot!"
"What did you call me!?"
"Yeah, that's right, your piloting sucks! Can't you fly an airship without making me horribly sick for once?" Yuffie shouted.
"It ain't my pilotin', it's your own damned weakness that makes ya sick!"
"Whatever!" retorted the ninja. "Maybe I won't insult your so-called piloting 'skills' if you'd just tell me who you like!"
"No one!" Cid yelled. "I'm a pilot, all I care about's my ship and my sky. I don't need no woman to make me happy!" He huffed and viciously pulled out a cigarette from the pack he kept in his jacket. "Go bother someone else with your stupid girl talk."
"Whatever, whatever!" sing-songed Yuffie. "Besides, who says it needs to be a woman to make you happy? It could be a guy, too."
"I ain't gay, if that's what yer thinkin'."
"Then how come you won't say you like Shera, huh? She cooks for you, she does your laundry and helps you with your work. She's the perfect woman, don't you think? So why don't you like her, huh?"
"I don't like Shera like that! Now leave me alone, will you?"
"I think you like boys."
"Go away, Yuffie."
"You know, Wutai attracts a lot of those kinds of people. Lots of guys going on secret honeymoons—"
"I said get the hell out, Yuffie!"
The pilot pushed the younger ninja out of his tent that he shared with Vincent. Yuffie stuck out her tongue, feeling cheerful that she had successfully completed her mission of bugging the crap out of Cid Highwind. Though she hadn't succeeded in getting a confession out of the high-strung pilot, she knew she was getting closer to solving the mystery of who is Cid dreaming about when he talks in his sleep…?
Cid's tentmates and hotel roommates had been telling strange tales of the pilot talking in his sleep on dark, clear nights. According to Vincent, Cloud, and Red XIII, who had all at some point shared quarters with Cid, the pilot was known to say things like, "Ungh… Where are ya?", "Eh... Be by my side, will ya?", and even "Nyeh… I love ya…"
Doubtful of the pilot's strange nighttime behavior, Yuffie decided to investigate for herself one night, and, with the assistance of a thoroughly creeped-out Vincent, invaded Cid's tent and stayed hidden in the shadows all night. And, just as the other men had described, Cid did, indeed, sleeptalk… and very erotically so.
"Who do you think he's talking about?" Red XIII had asked Yuffie in hushed whispers the next morning. "Do you think it's Shera?"
"I dunno," pondered Yuffie. "I'm gonna try and find out!"
"Good," Red XIII had said. "It's honestly starting to scare me. And I feel bad for Vincent, because right now he's the only one who will room with him."
"Don't worry, Red XIII! I'll get to the bottom of this!"
For the next few days, Yuffie had been trying – but with no real success – to get Cid's dark secret out in the open. The rest of Avalanche praised her valiant efforts, but it didn't appear that Cid was going to spill his secret anytime soon.
"All right," Yuffie said one night after Cid had gone to sleep. (The pilot had stormed off in fury at the ninja for bothering him once again about "who he likes".) The other members of Avalanche were listening intently to the young ninja. "Desperate times call for drastic measures. Something needs to be done about Cid's sleeptalking problem!"
"I agree," moaned an awfully tired-looking Vincent. "I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in a while. His sleeptalking is extremely distracting."
"Don't worry, Vincent!" Yuffie clapped a caring hand on the gunman's shoulder. "We'll get you a good night's rest tonight! I promise!"
Vincent only shrugged in reply. "All right," Yuffie whispered. "My plan is to ambush him and stage an intervention! We'll force the answer out of him if we have to! Tifa and Cloud, you guys are responsible for stealing all his weapons so he won't have a chance to attack us if he gets too angry. Red XIII and Cait Sith, you two are in charge of securing the perimeter, making sure no one will get in our way. Barrett, you're a big guy, after I wake him up, you pin him down and make sure he doesn't move a muscle while I'm interrogating him."
"Got it!" shouted the various members of Avalanche.
"What should I do then?" asked Vincent. "Do you need me for anything?"
Yuffie looked up at the heavens and its multitude of stars. "Uhm… Nah, you sit this one out, Vince. You're tired, aren't you? Go take a nap or something."
Not sure what to say, Vincent shrugged again and sat down near the smoldering remains of the fireplace outside. Tapping his foot in a languid rhythm, he observed as Cait Sith and Red XIII scoured the perimeter of their outdoor tent camp for monsters and other such interruptions. They found none, so Vincent cast his glance over to Cloud and Tifa, who were making off with Cid's collection of spears and lances, quietly hiding them meters away in some bushes. Yuffie also watched as the Avalanche team prepared for their next mission; she caught Vincent's eye and gave him a wink and an okay sign with her fingers.
"Let's go!" she whispered, and Barret snuck into the tent with her.
With mild amusement, Vincent watched and listened to the scuffle that ensued. He heard a string of swearwords – undoubtedly Cid's – followed by a lower-toned string of cussing – that one Barret's – and a shrill-pitched scream belonging to Yuffie. Cloud and Tifa ran in to help, and finally, the four had succeeded in dragging a highly agitated Cid Highwind out onto the ground.
Sputtering and swearing, Cid roared, "What the hell's this all about? What are you doing? Get the hell offa me, Barret!"
"No can do, captain," laughed Barret, one giant foot planted on the small of Cid's back. "You got shit to talk about before I can let you go."
"Whaddya mean I got shit to about?! What's going on?" Cid seemed frantic as well as angry, and Vincent couldn't help but think that maybe this was all a little bit too much just to force a ridiculous secret out of him. The sleeptalking wasn't all that bad. Sure it was annoying and a little bit creepy, the way the pilot carried on about… whoever he was dreaming about… but it wasn't anything the gunman couldn't handle. He had been asleep for years in a coffin; it wouldn't kill him to lose a couple hours every night due to a certain stubborn pilot with a bad habit of not being able to keep his mouth shut…
Just as he thought that, a yawn overwhelmed him, and his eyelids grew heavy, and Vincent knew he was kidding himself. It wouldn't do any good to keep going on such little sleep – not with all of the battles and dangers he faced every day with the Avalanche team. No, this unorthodox intervention was a necessity. Shaking his head, his raven locks caressing his cheeks with every swish, Vincent urged himself to stay awake and listen carefully to whatever Cid had to say. It's true; he was a bit curious as to who it was that Cid dreamed so passionately about.
"Let me go!" Cid cried pitifully. "Is this a mutiny against your captain? I said let me go, damn it!"
"Sorry, captain, but you're gonna hafta hear me out," said Yuffie in a disturbingly authoritative manner. Even Cid noticed the official tone in her voice and quieted himself in his subdued position on the ground. "All right, question number one," Yuffie began, pacing back and forth in front of Cid, trying with all her theatrical prowess to play the role of "bad cop" in this charade. "Are you aware, Mister Highwind, that you talk in your sleep?"
"Dunno what the hell you're talking about," Cid muttered brusquely. "I don't sleeptalk. Only nutters do that sort of thing!"
Yuffie gave Barret a look, shook her head, and continued on with her investigation. "Whatever, Highwind. Let me just inform you as a first-hand witness that you do in fact talk in your sleep and it's freaking everybody else out!" She planted her hands on her thin hips and leaned forward. "Just take a look at poor Vincent! He looks like he's gonna drop dead of exhaustion any minute now. All because your whacko sleeptalking keeps him up at night!"
Cid snatched a look at Vincent, who did, in fact, look rather sleepy as he sat alone on an upturned stump near the fire pit. The gunman tried his best to look as awake and alert as possible, but failed and slumped his shoulders to a more relaxed position. The pilot squirmed under Barret's foot, and he felt slightly guilty.
"Well, maybe I talk in my sleep. Sorry 'bout that, Vince. I don't mean to keep you up…"
Vincent waved a hand as if to brush off the comment, but he could feel the pilot's sincerity in his apology and appreciated it nonetheless.
"Yeah, yeah," said Yuffie, stepping in front of Cid again and blocking Vincent from his view. "Next question! What are you dreaming about when you talk in your sleep?"
Cid's face blushed red. "Wh-What?"
"You heard me! Whatcha dreamin' about?"
"H-How the hell should I know?" Cid spluttered. "I don't remember half of what I dream about!"
"Liar!" Yuffie shouted. "It's written all over your face. You remember exactly what – or should I say who – you're dreaming about, because your face is beet red!"
"Th-That's just because Barret's damn foot is shoved into my back, and I'm suffocatin' here!"
"Let him go, Barret," said Vincent. "I don't think he'll run away."
Barret relinquished his foot from Cid's back and gave the fallen pilot a helping hand in standing on two feet again. Wheezing, doubled over, Cid mumbled curses to Barret but thanked him anyway for letting him go. He took a cigarette from his jacket and lit it, his face still not losing any of the red blush from before.
"Well?" said Yuffie, tapping an impatient foot. "Spill it, Cid. The only way you can conquer your annoying sleeptalking is if you talk about what's bothering you. Isn't that right, Tifa?"
"Yeah, we'll help you through it, Cid," said Tifa the cheerleader, giving the flustered pilot a bright smile. "We're here for you."
"… Goddammit. You people won't leave an old man alone, will you?" Cid growled.
"Nope!" Yuffie grinned. "Now answer the question!"
"That's personal information!"
"All right, all right, baby steps," said Yuffie. "Let's start by process of elimination. Is it Shera?"
"Hell no!"
"Is it a girl?"
"Of course it's a girl. I ain't gay, you know that."
"Right. Of course you're not," said Yuffie. "That's why you never stare at any of the pretty girls we come across in our travels, huh? Cloud and Barret look at every pretty girl that walks by! Especially when they came across me! Nobody in that group could keep their eyes off a beautiful girl like myself!"
"Wait a minute, I don't look at the girls all the time—" Cloud interrupted, but Tifa elbowed him in the stomach. "Yes you do," she hissed. "Remember those girls in Costa Del Sol?"
"Well, they all had skimpy little swimsuits on, how was I not supposed to look—"
"Hey! Cut it out, you two!" snapped Yuffie. "We're not here to talk about Cloud's bikini girl obsession. We're here to sort out Cid's problem, not yours!"
Cloud and Tifa quieted down. Cid glared at Yuffie.
"Just because I'm not sixteen and my body's not raging full of hormones like yours, you sexually repressed jailbait—"
"Woah, woah, you've got some nerve calling me sexually repressed, crap pilot! I had lots of boyfriends back in Wutai!"
"Poor bastards…"
"What was that!?"
"Whatever, Yuffie, I ain't gay, just leave me alone!"
"Then who are you lusting after when you talk in your sleep, huh, Highwind? Is it Tifa? Or maybe it's me…?"
"Don't flatter yourself."
"So is it Tifa?"
Cid looked at Tifa with a questionable look on his face and frowned. Tifa returned the frown, scooting closer to Cloud, who wrapped a protective arm around her waist. "Nah," said Cid. "She's not really my type."
"Then who is it?" demanded Yuffie with an impatient stamp of her foot. "Come on, now, we don't have all night here! Some of us wanna get to bed, and it would be much more helpful if you would just cooperate!"
The rest of the Avalanche group was starting to get visibly irritated with Cid and Yuffie's little game of intervention. Red XIII wasn't even paying attention anymore, Cait Sith was trying out Cid's hidden weapons, and Barret exhaled loudly, signaling his own impatience and boredom.
"… Fine!" yelled Cid. "You want to know that damn badly, I'll tell ya who I'm dreamin' about!"
"About time!" cried Yuffie, throwing her hands up in the air with exasperation. "Now tell us, who's the lucky lady you're devoting nighttime soliloquies to?"
"It's…" Cid paused, looking around at the annoyed group of Avalanche fighters surrounding him. He cast his eyes down for a moment, then brought them back up, as if to face his fears head-on, the way a good pilot should. "Goddammit, yer the one I'm dreamin' about, Vincent!"
A collective hush swept over the group. Cloud looked dumbfounded; Tifa carried a knowing smirk; Barret looked disgusted; Red XIII cocked his head to the side, a charming confused puppy sort of look gracing his fiery features; Cait Sith stifled a snort, and Yuffie looked triumphant. The only one who appeared not to have noticed Cid's outburst was Vincent himself, who sat, fast asleep, his chin buried in his mantle, eyes closed, looking like he was finally getting the much-needed rest his still-human body deserved.
The collective hush dissipated into hysterical laughter as the full irony of the situation sank in. A comically defeated look washed over Cid's face, and the cigarette he had been smoking fell out of his mouth. Cloud and Tifa chuckled their way over to their separate tents and called it a night, the two of them both thankful that Cid hadn't been lusting over Tifa. Cait Sith held out his hand to Barret, who plopped down a hefty sum of gil. "Told you it was Vincent," the puppet whispered, grinning and bouncing his way to his own tent. Red XIII and Barret both went into their tents, howling with laughter, leaving Cid, Yuffie, and a sleeping Vincent still outside.
"Wow!" hooted Yuffie, doubling over with laughter, tears springing to her eyes. "I knew this was gonna be good, but I never expected something like this! You're dreaming about Vincent, that old vampire? Gro-oss! And – ha ha – he's not even awake to hear such a beautiful confession! That's rich!"
"Shut up, Yuffie, or I swear I'll fly my airship so well it'll make you puke your own brains out."
"You're such a sore loser!" whined Yuffie, scampering off into her own tent she shared with Tifa.
Cid sighed, alone outdoors with Vincent. "Figures… It's my own damn fault you're so tired that you fall asleep during my great confession. That's fuckin' beautiful." He grabbed Vincent's limp, sleeping form and pulled him upright. "Hey, you dummy," he whispered, "wake up."
Vincent mumbled and moaned, not opening his eyes, but instead latched on to Cid's shoulders, nuzzling the pilot's neck with his cheek. "All right, all right, I get it, you're tired. Let's go to bed, Vince." Dragging the sleeping gunman behind him, Cid made his way slowly over to his tent, making sure to stamp out what was left of the fire, and gently laid Vincent down on the roll-out mattress.
"Again, I'm sorry for keepin' you up all these nights," Cid whispered. "I just hope you can let me make it up to ya sometime…"
Vincent let out another small noise and pressed his sleep-starved body against Cid's. The pilot smiled.
"This is a good start..."
- crazykitsune17
