just a oneshot i thought id write after it sprang to my head one morning
XX
I stood over the child's body with my lightsabre activated but held loosely in my hand. What have I done? He was only trying to protect his sister… once I would have done the same. So why did I kill him? What crime did he commit to deserve death?
I deactivated the sabre and threw it against the wall angrily. I should never have listened to him… he twists the truth to suit his own needs, I've seen it before, so why did I listen to him?
The child's sightless eyes stared into me, accusing me. I'm sorry for what I did to you. As if that meant anything to him now. As if it ever meant anything to him.
I should have talked to the Jedi first. I should have practised the serenity I gained with them. Not let my anger rule over my heart. Not attacked those who nurtured and cared for me. Let them die while I walked away unhurt.
I screamed as the thoughts swirled around in my head, back and forth, dissolving everything I thought I knew. But I didn't. I didn't, and now they will never trust me again. Fool.
I couldn't stand next to the small broken body anymore. I ran outside, onto the balcony, but all I saw was the massacre I had caused. I was blind to the suffering I had caused. Why was I blind, why couldn't I see the pain?
The memory of his eyes as I activated my lightsabre haunted me. Why had I struck down that child, struck down my brother, and struck down my best friend? I had desecrated their memories. I fell to my knees, and cried, tears of anguish and confusion.
The fog cleared over my heart, and for the first time I saw everything clearly. The pain in their eyes when they felt my change. Their hurt as they turned away from me. Why had I ever accused them of lying?
No, I couldn't take much more of this. Everything I had ever known had been shattered. Shattered into pieces so small that even I couldn't pick them up and put them back together.
They were only trying to help. Trying to help me, and I struck them down. Why did I deserve such good friends in the first place if all I did for them was hurt them?
The tears blurred my vision, and suddenly I was glad. I didn't need to see the suffering. It was already there in my heart. Already cemented in my mind.
Why was I so foolish to push her away that day? She could have helped me, could have saved me. Yet I pushed her away. She died by my blade. I'll never forgive myself.
I heard running footsteps and a rough voice as a blaster was pointed at my head. I just knelt there, grieving deep in myself. I hardly noticed the security forces surrounding me.
What more can they do to me than I've already done to myself?
"Hands up"
I raised my arms numbly and looked in the face of the young man. He shrank back as he recognised me.
"The Sith we were warned about… told to shoot on sight"
I wouldn't have cared if they had. It was more than I deserved.
"But we'll not do that. Take her to the Jedi for justice"
I was shocked. What would the Jedi do when they saw me? Would they kill me on sight? Or would they try to reach out to me and heal my heart again?
Why was this young man showing me mercy? I had lost everything; life was no longer worth living surely. Why would he disobey his orders and spare my life?
"Please… kill me"
It was a hoarse whisper, all I could manage. But he shook his head compassionately.
"I won't kill another today. Not you, just because of what you stand for"
Why was he doing this? Why was he showing me the mercy I had denied countless others?
"I'm not just a symbol of the Sith. I am a Sith, and I can't count the number of people I've killed"
"I know. I'm not going to deny you the chance at life that the Jedi can give you… that the Jedi gave me. A chance to atone for your crimes"
Isn't it enough I've asked for death?
"I can't face them. Not after all I've done. Not with that blade"
"Is it inside?"
His voice was quiet, and I nodded. He gestured to one of the soldiers.
Oh no, he's going to get it. I never want to see it again, especially not now.
The soldier emerged a minute later holding the black tube and looking horrified. I smiled slightly, I knew exactly why.
He found him. Did his eyes burn into his heart too? Or was that just my punishment?
The leader put the hilt in my hand. I shook my head vigorously and dropped it.
Never put another weapon in my hand. Especially not this one. Please.
He picked it up again, and I saw the squad was confused. What was going on?
"You need to face it sometime"
I swallowed, looking at it, and then slowly activated the twin blades.
I'm not ready for this. This isn't just a lightsabre. This is my wand of destruction and death. This is my past. Physical manifestation of my guilt and sorrow.
The snakes on the hilt appeared to come to life before my eyes, their red jewel eyes glittering, hissing my mistakes at me. But I still kept it activated.
This time I felt no anger. Always before I had hated this weapon and what it stood for, or embraced the comfort it brought me. But now all I could think of was my remorse.
I broke down in quiet sobs again, remembering all the death I had caused. All the suffering I had wrought. All the pain I had left in my wake. The soldiers exchanged startled glances. They would never have expected this or knew what to do. A cruel, dangerous Sith they could handle, but not one sobbing on her knees.
I'm not a Sith anymore. I don't know what I am, but not a Sith. I don't know why I ever aligned myself with them to start with.
I deactivated the sabre but still had the hilt loosely in my fingers. A soldier approached after a minute and tugged at it gently. I saw that it was the same soldier who had originally fetched it.
"Thank you"
He gave it to the captain or whoever then knelt beside me.
"You killed my sister and mother. My father died in the war against your kind. I was prepared to hate you, but now I've seen you weeping, I hold nothing against you"
He stood and joined his fellows. I stared after him, stunned.
What is this thing forgiveness? I had once experienced it myself, but it had been so long that I had forgotten.
I looked into his eyes.
"For everything"
He nodded, and I turned back to the leader.
"I don't know if you can do anything to me more than I've already done to myself, but I'm willing to chance it"
He chuckled slightly.
"I don't think anyone can do that"
He gestured for me to stand with his blaster and led me to the ship they had come in. I settled into the corner for the long journey.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready to face them. But all I have to do is try. It's all I can do.
XX
pleaz R&R and tell me if i should write more!
