Summary: It's pretty obvious that there are a lot of ways to die in DW. But what the games may not show you are the various "off the record" ways to meet your maker...

Disclaimer: I own the games, meaning "copies of the games." Do I own the franchise itself? Only in my dreams...

Queen's Quornor: This is what happens when I'm running on a decided lack of sleep. I start thinking about silly, insane, or perfectly sensible yet odd ways to die in my favorite games. Many of these have to do with my favorite characters, and some of their particular quirks or stories. I respect many of these characters immensely, but hey, if you have loved ones, why not torment them? Er, tease them. Please don't send them after me for this.

If You Have A Death Wish

Wei

1. Steal Zhang He's makeup and use it to paint offensive graffitti around Xuchang.

2. Replace Zhang He's makeup with liquid bronze tanner. Even he wouldn't be able to make something beautiful out of orange skin.

3. Cut Zhang He's ponytail while he's sleeping.

4. Lay a hand on Zhenji. It's debatable who'll get you first: her for actually touching her, or Cao Pi for daring to lust after his wife.

5. Burn Xu Zhu's crops and salt the fields. Do you really want to find out what happens when a fat, angry, hungry man comes after you?

6. Put hair restoration tonic on Dian Wei's head.

7. Make fun of Cao Pi's flowery metaphors where any person every REMOTELY connected to Wei can hear you. If word filters back to him, you are so many pieces of meat.

8. Point out that there is a direct corrolation between the size of Sima Yi's hat and his ego.

9. Bring up Chibi around Xiahou Dun.

10. While he is sleeping, get anywhere near Cao Cao.

11. If he doesn't sleep-kill you, give him a Donald Trump hairdo. Then run like all the legions of Hell are after you. They might as well be.

12. Make fun of Cao Cao's statements about Zhang Liao being his "blade" by informing him of the sexual connotations of that metaphor. Then prepare to be introduced to Cao Cao's sword. Pray Zhang Liao isn't around or your head will then be punted across the city.

13. Put spices in Zhenji's fancy underthings. Works best on nights when she and Cao Pi have been flirting during a battle.

14. Point out that Jia Xu bears a remarkable resemblence to the average weasel.

15. Tell Sima Yi that he's several IQ points dumber than Zhuge Liang, and bring up the moments he failed in comparison to his rival. In particular, mention the womens' clothes and headdress he received during their final standoff at the Wuzhang Plains. Ask him why he has yet to don such a generous gift and parade it around Xuchang.

16. Celebrate when Xiahou Yuan dies, or at least show no remorse around Xiahou Dun.

17. Make Guo Jia prove his masculinity, or accuse him of being a poor excuse for a playa, since he can't seem to get a single woman. You probably won't die quickly - he's more subtle than that.

18. Do a pole dance using Guo Jia's cue stick. Works better if you happen to be a man.

19. Tell Cao Pi that he's a terrible human being, and any of his brothers would have been a better Emperor than he was. Then close your eyes so you won't get dizzy when your head goes spinning away.

20. Imply that Zhenji cheated on her husband with Cao Zhi, his younger brother. Again, the method of your demise depends on who finds you first.

21. Tell the Wei Emperor and his beloved wife that their son singlehandedly ruined the empire Cao Pi and Cao Cao worked so hard to build up.

22. Arrange for Zhenji to do an unplanned Marilyne Monroe impression. In front of the assembled army. During Cao Pi's coronation.

23. Try to make friends with Jia Xu.

24. Shave Xiahou Yuan.

25. Constantly crack Karate Kid jokes around Xu Huang.

26. Try to stage an intervention for Wang Yi's obsession with vengeance and her alchoholic tendencies.

27 Point out to Wang Yi that she might as well commit suicide, because there is very, very little chance she will ever manage to kill Ma Chao.

28. Try to brush up on your archery skills by playing William Tell with Xiahou Ba. Works best if his daddy has no idea you don't actually intend to hurt him.

29. Give Dian Wei's head a good coat of varnish.

30. Glomp Xiahou Dun. He's not the most cuddly guy in the world.

Jin

1. Dare to lay a hand on those ungaurded meat buns.

2. Slap Wang Yuanji's ass in full view of Sima Zhao.

3. Say anything derogatory about Zhang Chunhua. Depending on which son hears about it first, you'll either be turned into swiss cheese, sliced to ribbons, or literally ridden face-first into the dirt.

4. Try to force Guo Huai to stay in bed.

5. Tell Zhuge Dan that he is a poor excuse for a member of the Zhuge clan.

6. Help Sima Zhao be lazy.

7. Instigate yet another disagreement between Sima Zhao and Zhuge Dan.

8. Tamper with Sima Shi's favorite food. This can be done by moving the buns to an undisclosed location, swapping them with buns full of not-so-tasty centers, or poking a hole in the bottom and removing the meat filling.

9. Mock the famous laughter of a certain father/son duo.

10. Try to explain to Zhong Hui exactly where he went wrong.

11. Tell Zhong Hui that, although he is a highly intelligent man, he is a complete idiot for thinking he could recreate the kingdom of Shu and usurp the Simas as the sole Emperor of China.

12. Accuse Deng Ai of being a traitor before Zhong Hui does.

13. Try to snuggle up to Zhong Hui. Seems to work better if you are a woman.

14. After he is injured, pass comment on Sima Shi's mask.

15. Point out that, no matter what he says about his retreat being on purpose, Sima Yi still lost.

16. Constantly ask Wang Yuanji why she would ever waste time with Sima Zhao when she would probably be a better match for his older brother. That patience of hers has to have a limit.

17. Say anything bad about Xiahou Ba's father.

18. Upon seeing how big his weapons are, accuse Xiahou Ba of compensating for something.

19. Make fun of Sima Yi for being afraid of his own wife.

20. Tell the men of the Sima clan that the woman of the house should be the kingdom's strategist. It takes one extremely smart woman to manage those three, without completely upstaging them.

Shu

1. Steal a kiss from Guan Suo after he meets Bao Sanniang.

2. Try to play Walk the Dog with Bao Sanniang's spinner.

3. Make fun of Liu Shan.

4. Help Liu Shan hide from Xingcai when he's supposed to be training.

5. Say ANYTHING bad about Liu Bei. If either of his brothers or Zhao Yun are anywhere in the vicinity, nobody will ever find your body. God help you if Zhuge Liang overhears you - by the time he's done with you, your brain will have exploded.

6. Go for a joyride in one of Yueying's juggernauts.

7. Hit on Xingcai.

8. Trim/cut/mess with Guan Yu's beard.

9. Say anything about Guan Ping's sword being an obvious compensation for something else.

10. Get within arm's reach of Zhang Fei when he's drunk.

11. Tell Ma Chao that justice isn't always right.

12. Accuse Bao Sanniang of being an annoying, childish attention-whore. If you do, beware of green-clad 'chuckers.

13. Point out that Liu Shan's simple, childish ways are more than likely his father's fault, since Liu Bei threw him down on the rocks after Zhao Yun rescued him, accusing his son of nearly costing his best general his life.

14. Claim that Guo Jia is a better strategist than Zhuge Liang, since he alone can tell what the allied forces at Chibi are up to.

15. Accuse Jiang Wei of turning into an obessed zealot after his mentor dies.

16. Betray Liu Bei.

17. Side with Liu Feng over Liu Shan.

18. Cut the tassle off Ma Dai's hat.

19. Dip Ma Dai's brush in varnish before he uses it.

20. Mess with Wei Yan.

21. Call Huang Zhong an "old man."

22. Accuse Liu Bei of being a lousy father, considering how little time he seems to have spent with Liu Shan and, of course, the whole throw-the-baby-on-the-rocks thing.

23. Get between Zhao Yun and his lord at either Changban or Yiling.

24. Say that Xingcai is more of a man than her husband.

25. Steal Ma Chao's horse. Or Ma Dai's, for that matter.

26. Try to stop Liu Bei from taking vengeance on Wu.

27. Refuse to follow Guan Yu's orders.

28. Offer your dead brother's widow to Zhao Yun after swearing an oath with him.

29. Get into a debate with Zhuge Liang.

30. Give Pang Tong liquor.

Wu

1. Get between Ling Tong and Gan Ning during a fight or a sword dance.

2. Tell Sun Shangxiang that she's too masculine to ever get a husband and keep him.

3. Pass comment on how Zhou Yu must be a pedophile, to marry a little girl like Xiao Qiao.

4. Remark that Da Qiao really should stay at home, because she is in complete absence of a spine.

5. Try to steal away either of the Qiao sisters.

6. Mistake Zhou Yu for his own wife.

7. Switch all of Huang Gai's clothes with ladies' dresses.

8. Get Zhou Tai drunk

9. Get Sun Quan drunk, and then beat him in a game of Go.

10. Hit on Lianshi while Sun Quan is anywhere nearby.

11. Deny Lu Xun's pyromaniacal tendencies.

12. Apply any sort of real (I.E. modern) medical knowledge around Sun Ce.

13. Say anything derogatory to Sun Jian about his children.

14. Sneak up on Taishi Ci while he's training.

15. Accept any offers to marry Sun Shangxiang, if the proposal is offered by Sun Quan and Zhou Yu.

16. Display a higher intelligence level than Zhou Yu.

17. Offer to supply arrows for the Battle of Chibi. You can only get away with this if your name is Zhuge Liang.

18. Don't pay attention to the direction of the wind during the Battle of Chibi while holding a torch in front of you.

19. Play with the Qiao sisters' kitties.

20. Try to keep Ling Tong from getting his revenge on Gan Ning.

21. Try to separate Lu Meng from his studies in favor of carousing.

22. Go drinking with Gan Ning.

23. Get into a fistfight with Gan Ning.

24. Make fun of Sun Quan's eyebrows.

25. Try to get Gan Ning to wear a shirt, and "help" him put the thing on.

26. Tackle any of the Wu pretty boys and try to drag them off.

27. Endorse one of Sun Quan's sons as his successor. Lu Xun died because of the sheer anger and frustration this situation caused him - what makes you think you'd turn out better?

28. Speak up in favor of surrender after a certain desk has been split.

29. Suggest to Lu Su that maybe he shouldn't be so trusting of Zhuge Liang. The sheer amount of excuses will annoy you to death.

30. Make fun of Ding Feng's poetry.

Other

1. Get between Dong Zhuo and his dinner.

2. Free the women Dong Zhuo had kidnapped for his perverted fantasies.

3. Get anywhere near Dong Zhuo's treasure.

4. Call Yuan Shao "the Golden Bastard."

5. Constantly mistake Meng Huo for an orangutan.

6. Tell Meng Huo that his wife is one hot Mama. He probably doesn't realize what that means, and won't think it's a compliment.

7. Throw gasoline on Zhu Rong. Mushroom cloud, anyone?

8. Call Lu Bu the "Flaming Cockroach of Doom." Only pronounce it as "DOOOOOOOOOOOM" whenever you see him.

9. Try to hit on Diaochan.

10. Drink liquor around Lu Bu, after he's been holed up in Xiapi for awhile.

11. Suggest to Diaochan, in earshot of Lu Bu, that perhaps she should consider her options and make a break for it.

12. Grease up Lu Bu's halberd.

13. Get anywhere near Hua Xiong.

14. Tell Meng Huo that his wife has him totally whipped.

15. Tell Zhu Rong that she's more of a man than her husband is.

16. Put on that special Nanman armor before going up against the Shu forces.

17. Advise Yuan Shao to go ahead and surrender after Wuchao falls.

18. Tell Yuan Xi that he is clearly a pathetic excuse for a man, since his wife left him for a much better model at the first opportunity.

19. Get involved in the feud between Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang.

20. Fastest way to die: go up to Lu Bu, and explain to him that Diaochan is a lying, cheating, manipulative whore who never really loved him, and potentially had an incestual love for her adopted father. Your upper torso will hit the ground about five seconds before you realize that A) you are in a shit-ton of pain, and B) he just killed you.