I own nothing.

Chapter 1

Some days when I look across our desks, I see something in her eyes that makes my heart stop. I know I shouldn't think about this; but when she has so much hurt. I can't help but feel sorrow and I want to take it all away. She looks at me at times and I see everything she needs me to see. My heart aches for her; but she is a strong-willed woman who takes care of herself. I've never understood how she can go through this everyday and then go home to an empty apartment. My refuge is my kids. They help take away the sorrows, the pains of what we see each day. But she has no one, but this job and me. I know she says she is married to the job; but really that means me. We are partners for better or worse. I told her that the first year we worked together. It was the day after she slept with that jackass, Brian Cassidy. It seems like centuries ago now.

We have seen so much that he tears my soul out. We both are so jaded after all this time. We are hanging on to this job for each other these days. It's hard to think about working this damn job without her. She is my back and so much more. I don't know what I would do if she ever quit. In the far back of my mind I know that I feel more for her than I should. I have always had a soft spot for her. She has always made my crappy life better with just being beside me.

She doesn't know what is going on in my personal life right now. I have kept it from her for a reason. The last time, when things went to shit, I took it out on her. But I promised myself that I wouldn't do that this time. This time I'm going to handle the divorce right and then tell her everything. I just hope she understand and doesn't high tail it out of my life for good.

********EO************

He looks at me differently these days. I'm not sure why or if he even realizes that he does. Like now he is staring at me with a weird look on his face. Like always I pretend to be working and don't notice it. I hate we don't talk anymore, like we used to in the early days. It's like after all these years we don't need to use words to communicate. Just one look, it's all we need. That's why it's hard to believe he doesn't see right through the facade I've put on all years. If he knows me so well why doesn't he see what I really feel? What would I do if he did call me out on it one day? Maybe that's why he hasn't, because he knows I was run like the wind.

Jesus, he is married with 5 kids, what on earth could I give him, he doesn't already have. The thing is, it's not what I could give him, but what he could give me. I'm being selfish and I know it. But damn it I have nothing and I know it's my entire fault.

I have pushed so many guys away from me over the years. I can't blame him for my choices. Half the reason I don't do relationships is my mother. She always told me to never trust men; they were only trouble.

She would say, "Liv your heart was worth more than some nice looking prick with only one thing on his mind."

Yep, my mother had a way with words. Honestly, she had a very good reason to hate men. I never blamed her after she told me about my father. She had every right to make sure her daughter was safe. That's why I'm who I am. She is the only reason I'm a cop and why I fight for the victims every day of my life.

After all these years with him by my side; I feel closer to him than I ever felt with her. She loved me in her own way; but it was from a distance. She always had her guard up even with me.

Elliot has always showed love towards me, even though I'm not sure he knew it. He is a protector, that's what he does. But I can tell he feels more for me than just being my partner. I know in his mind he will never act on his feels; because he is married with children. Of course, I respect that. I would never want to jeopardize his family life for me. The love I have for him is too great to hurt him like that. We are best friends and that's good enough for me.

I look over at Elliot now wondering what he is thinking about. It's lunch time so I lean over my desk and asks, "El you want to go grab a bite, since things here are slow today?"

He jumps at the sound of my voice, coming out of his trance, he says, "Sure why not."

**********EO*************

He grins, gets up, and grabs his jacket. As he walks over to her side of their desks, he sits on the edge, and waits for her to get her things together. They walk out the door of the squad room side by side. Both thinking about why they are thankful they met 12 years ago.

TBC

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