When did you know?
It's always the question we're asked as gay people, no matter how good or bad our coming-out experience was. At first it felt like an annoying question from curious straight people, but after my first year of college, I welcomed it because it made me feel a part of the community.
I know I was pretty vague about my Brandon Urie and Daniel Radcliffe crushes, but it felt more like they were only a small part of when I knew. I knew for a fact after my tumultuous (Bram would be so happy I used that word) and very public coming out in Shady Creek when that, as Bob Ross would say, happy little accident catapulted me through the bizarre experience straight into the arms of Blue. Who turned out to be Cute Bram Greenfeld. You may have heard of him, the cute soccer player with soccer calves.
That was four years ago and college has been great. Nick ended up getting into Julliard to further discover what he could do with his incredible musical gift. And that was only because Bram wrote Nick's personal essay. Bram, with his English obsession, found himself further south at the University of Maryland. Abby, after a lot of work and self-discovery, realized she loved the stage as well, but wanted to design sets and costumes and ended up at NYU. It was great for Nick and Abby as they were never too far apart.
Leah. Oh my god Leah. For being the biggest stickler against 'The Man,' she found her way working part-time for BuzzFeed as a contributor while she was still in school. Her major is Sociology, but it was her convictions that landed her in a temp-to-hire position with a company with a major social platform and she planned on being a warrior. Her powerful (self-written) essays landed her at Yale where she is still causing a stir. Literally as we speak, she is in the student center fighting for trans students rights.
Me? Nick wasn't the only person Bram helped write a letter for and that beautiful boy, along with my subsequent audition, got me into the Yale School of Drama in Connecticut.
Now I know what you're thinking, and you're not the only one. I felt in the beginning that this would spell disaster for our group. I felt it, Nick and Abby felt it, and Leah rolled her eyes and told us to get over it. Bram. Bram never felt it. He knew exactly what to say before we left each other for the first time to go to college freshman year.
"We need to be in this together, but also in it for ourselves...That doesn't make sense, does it?"
"No," I replied, stomach churning warm sadness. Sadness because he was right. "To be the best for each other we need to be the best for ourselves. I would never want to be the reason you didn't follow your dream."
"Follow my dream? Si, you are my dream. We're here." His cute smile and white teeth melted my anxiety. "If you think for a second I'm not where I want to be right now, you're crazy."
"What are we up to in the number of times I've told you I love you today?" I said as a genuine and warm smile drew across my face by Bram's words.
"I think we're in the fifties, but it never gets old," he shook his head and pulled me close to him. "I know we're only eighteen and this may be, uhm…preemptive of me to say-"
"Bram, I don't have a way out." It came out without me wanting it to, just like when the school found out. "What, I, um, mean by that is…fudge. How do I say with without sounding nerdy?"
"Sound nerdy." Bram whispered against my lips and it sounded like a request, but was more of a beg.
"In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, one of the challenges for the TriWizard Tournament involved a hedge maze where Harry and the other competitors enter."
I stopped to gather my thoughts as Brams soft lips made it hard to concentrate. I could feel Bram's smile.
"Is that it?"
"No," I stammered, smiling back. "What I'm trying to say is I'm ready to go into this maze with you, but I have no intention of ever finding my way out."
Bram smiled even bigger and his breath made me swoon for his touch.
"You're a nerd. And I love it. And I love you." Bram said, kissing me between each sentence fragment. "I feel the exact same way. Are we crazy?"
"No." I swallowed and pull Bram's hips closer to me, resting my hands on the curve of Bram's behind.
"I don't think there is anything you could ask me that I would say no to. Is that crazy?"
That's when I knew. Not about when I knew I was gay, but when I knew I couldn't continue life to the fullest extent unless I married Cute Bram Greenfeld with soccer calves.
It was the last week before I had to be back up at Yale and I made my parents take me to dinner without Alice or Nora, which was a lot more difficult to pull off than I thought it would be. I told them it didn't have to be fancy, but it couldn't be a fast food place. Mom was, of course, over analyzing and quiet on the drive as Dad sat in the passenger seat turned almost all the way around cracking jokes.
"Is the 'Are you pregnant?' and 'Did you get Bram pregnant?' jokes still funny?"
"No, Dad, they never were."
"See, that's where you're wrong, and I'll tell you why-"
"Dad, neither of us are pregnant!"
"Whew," Dad blew out air of his lips and turned back around and faced the road. "See, I'm just not ready to be a grandpa yet."
Mom was still quiet and pining. I could see her eyes pouring through data from the last four years trying to come to a conclusion.
"Mom? Don't do this to yourself, you'll know soon enough."
"So it is something big and important!" She tried to get out before I finished my sentence.
"Yes."
Mom couldn't wait anymore and she veered into the right lane and sped down a familiar path Nick, Abby, Leah and I always took when going to Waffle House.
"Three waters, but don't come back with them for five minutes." She ordered to the waiter whose eyes bugged at her energy. He walked away and Mom took out her phone, trying to make it look like she wasn't filming me when she obviously was.
"So, Si. What is it you wanted to tell us?"
At first I was weireded out doing this with them in a Waffle House, but then I looked between my parents to the booth we always took and had to steal a chair to seat all of us. I saw Bram and I, Leah and Abby and Nick, but I saw Cute Bram Greenfeld nodding his head to get back to reality and talk to my parents. Then the weirdness left and the warmth came in.
"Bram and I have been dating for four years now." Mom's eyes watered and Dad knew to not make any jokes and instead inhaled proudly. "And I…wow, why is this so hard?"
I know Dad was thinking 'That's what she said' as he let a quick smile escape. To his credit, it was probably one of the hardest things he's ever done. That's what she said.
It wasn't the same nervousness I had coming out to them, it was an excited warm energy billowing upward from my heart and like a campfire, made my eyes water.
"I see what you two have and it was the only basis I had for what a successful couple have and… I know that's what I have with Bram. You guys, Mom, Dad. I'm going to ask Bram to marry me."
"I KNEW IT!" Mom shouted, tears falling down her cheeks. Happy tears are happy, but seeing my Mom cry always made me go too. Dad smiled and pumped his hands and was totally supportive, He moved out of the booth and made me stand up and bear hugged me. Mom finally put her phone down and got up and hugged Dad and I. She finally peeled Dad off and got her hug in too.
"When did you know?" Dad asked, because he's Dad and of course he asked that.
"You first." I replied wryly, smile as wide as Bram makes. Even without him here, he's the reason he's causing so much joy not only for me, but for my parents.
"I knew…" Dad said, becoming uncharacteristically serious, "Ah Simon, I knew almost the moment we started seeing each other. When it works, it works. And we worked and we just…understood each other. It wasn't hard to navigate dating her, there weren't any games, just us, being with each other and being in love with life and knowing we both wanted the same thing and not needing to say it…Does any of that make sense?"
I saw Mom looking at Dad in the way I sometimes caught Bram looking at me and I smiled. I think I'm to the point of adulthood where I have now passed the threshold of being embarrassed by my parents and now view them as the wise people are never knew they were.
"Yeah, Dad, it makes a whole lot of sense." Dad smiled back and now I know where I got my smile from.
"So, your turn, When did you know?"
I pondered. Was it the day before he left for college Freshman year as he held me close and made me think of nothing but him? Nothing but love? Nothing but his coffee colored eyes, stirring my heart? Was it when I saw him on the Ferris Wheel? Was it when I was happy it was him? More happy than any other person I thought it could be? Was it the Elliot Smith shirt when he gave me his phone number to prove how much he cared? Was it when we only had a computer and each other and it made nothing else matter when I was the Jacques to his Blue? Was it him who had the courage to post that he had a secret that was my secret as well? That even before Bram was Blue and Blue existed that he gave me the courage to finally accept my own sexuality?
"Dad, it's the same thing you said. It's all those moments, as soon as we started talking."
We sat back down and finally noticed the waiter with the waters. Had it really been five minutes?
"Do you guys need extra napkins?" The sleepy waiter asked as he set the waters on the table.
"Please." Mom replied, smiling as much as I do when I see Bram. Maybe my smile is from her?
"So I've also been thinking," I started.
"Oh, god, Si. I don't know if I can take anymore news right now," Mom wavered out, tearing up again. "More napkins…Devin, please?" Mom said as she read his name tag while in a motherly way dismissed him.
"I know that it may be old school, but I honestly want to do this right for Bram. I was thinking of talking to both his Dad and his Mom to get permission. Is that dumb?"
Mom's chin shook in joy and happiness as Dad smiled.
"You know, Si, I never took you for a romantic, but I'm liking what I hear. That is the furthest thing from stupid."
"Bram will love it," is what I think Mom said, but Dad and I looked at one another after she spoke for clarification.
"Whew! Good. Okay. Good talk guys, thanks for it. I needed it."
I saw mom reach for her phone.
"Also! Mom, Bram can't find out, so you can't post anything that you just filmed."
Mom looked a little hurt and angry at the same time, which was a new look from her. Like I was stealing this moment from her and keeping it for myself. But then I thought that was okay. Because as much as I love Mom and Dad, this was my life and I wanted to ask Cute Bram Greenfeld to marry me in my own way.
"Can I send it to Alice?"
"No!" Dad and I both exclaimed.
"I want to tell them Mom."
"I guess…not used to having to share you now with another person. I love it." Mom smiled.
"Here are the napkins." Devin the waiter brought over. "Ready to order?"
We ate food and Mom tried to get me to already start planning everything. Dad just leaned back and listened, knowing when to let Mom be this way. I stopped her.
"What do you mean you're not going to do it until January!?" She screamed. Dad's eyes bugged because he knew that tone.
"Honey," Dad started. "This is Simon's proposal."
Then it hit me. Dad said proposal. I'm going to propose to Bram Greenfeld. Four years ago Simon would have never thought this was a possible future. Four years ago Simon didn't think he could attain this. It made me realize how far I've come since those days, since first dating Bram to now. How much of a positive influence Bram has made on me. I hope I did the same for Bram.
"Mom, I wanted to wait to ask him on our five year anniversary. Plus, I know his senior year is going to be hectic and I don't want to pull him away from anything. Besides, I know this year he's not taking the January speed semester so he doesn't have to be back til February. It's perfect. His birthday and then I'll…whew."
"What Si?" Dad asked, noticing I lost some energy.
"What if he says no?"
"Simon, he will not say no." Dad stuffed a breakfast potato in his mouth.
"You think?"
"No way. The question is probably going to be how long will it take to separate you two from each other." Dad's eyebrows shot up. "Oops, I'm assuming you're doing this in front of people…Are you? Doing this in front of people?"
I had a quick vision of me on one knee and Bram saying yes and having Bram's friends, family, and loved ones around him, staring at him. Would that make it better or worse?
"I don't know, that's a lot to think about."
"You have time, don't worry." Dad winked and it made me honestly feel better.
"You also have me, Si." Mom added. "I'll be here for your questions. And I will keep myself as much out of the process as I can, but you have to understand there will be times I will be unable to control myself."
Unable to control myself is definitely the trait I get from Mom, but it's the trait that made me email Blue in the first place. The one that got me on that ferris wheel. The one that got me in love.
"May I suggest a bow tie?" Mom tried.
"Check, please, Devin?" I shout.
