Listen Well

By Laura Schiller

Based on: A Countess Below Stairs/The Secret Countess

Copyright: Eva Ibbotson

"Listen then, mylienki, and listen well … " – Anna, p. 274, The Secret Countess

I never wanted to fall in love with you, any more than you did with me; we both know it was the very last thing I wanted. I did not even know I was in love until you interrupted me so rudely at the hairdresser's, trying to forbid him to cut my hair although you had no right to do so. It was the way you touched it – my hair, that is – and said, I must have something … as if seeing me like that was the only joy you had in life. Which is ridiculous, I know, because you have Mersham, its paintings and horses and rose gardens, and your mother, all of the servants, Ollie and Mr. Byrne. But you still looked that way, pale and tired, the gold dust in your eyes all shadowed over.

All I wanted right then, more than anything, was to hold your hand and let you tell me your nightmares, just as I did on your first night here. Because it's not entirely true that you reminded me of Petya that night. You also reminded me of myself.

We both lost our dreams, didn't we? Neither of us was sure of where we belonged. All you ever wanted was to be a scholar and a traveller, and leave Mersham to your older brother. But when he and your father died, it was left to you – the debts, the responsibilities, everything you were trying to avoid. You must have been so worried about everyone – your mother, your uncle, Mrs. Proom, Win … and so you are protecting them in the only way you can. Even if it means marrying a woman you do not love just to pay your debts.

I understand. I understand how it feels to have the floor drop from under you; to be innocently happy one day, and heartbroken the next. I know the strength it costs just to hold yourself together. But my father called me a "Little Star" that must never stop shining, and my mother told me there are always good things, even wonderful things, if you only look close enough.

In spite of Miss Hardwicke, in spite of your stubborn sense of duty – or because of it, maybe – my most wonderful thing was you.

You, finishing my quotation about the Heavenly Horses with a dreamy smile on your face. You, pretending to threaten me with your droit de seigneur, when it was obvious you'd never do such a thing – at least, not unless I asked! You, so loyal to your young comrade in the Great War that you still have nightmares about his death. You, too honorable to speak a word against your fiançée, when we both know – everybody knows! – she is a vain, spoiled, selfish creature who broke Ollie's spirit and made our lives miserable. You, showing me the beauty in myself I could not see, showing me how to treasure my memories, even when they hurt.

I did not want to fall in love with you, Rupert Frayne – but now I have. Even if tonight is all we have left, even if I never see your face again, loving you has brought warmth and color to my life in ways I can't even describe. For this, I am grateful. For this, I will remember you always.

Have you understood?