Not really sure where this one is going, but I thought it'd be interesting to explore Olivia's drinking in season 15. This is before Noah - the beginning sets up the timing. Hope you enjoy it! If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.


Olivia walked home alone that night, the chill of the night sinking into her veins as her heart mourned. She heard Brian's words.

I love you.

It was the first time either of them had said it. They'd been together more than a year.

Liv shuddered against the cold as she reached the front doors of her apartment building. Her legs moved on their own as her body ignored her mind and heart telling her to stop, to give up.

Alone. She was alone again.

The door to her apartment opened with difficulty. Olivia turned only one light and halted inside the door. His stuff was gone. He was gone - all of him. Olivia's lump in her throat grew, closing her throat as the tears began to stream down her face. It had been goodbye. Though they had both agreed on it, it still hurt.

The shadows seemed more threatening upon the walls without Brian there with her. She sighed as she consciously stopped the tears. Her hand wiped the rivers from her cheeks as she swallowed hard and put her legs into motion again. She reached for the cupboard in the kitchen that she'd become acquainted with well. Brian's absence, her new position, her recovery, it had all driven her to that very cupboard time before. Everything in her screamed at her to put the bottle down, but her hand kept pouring. She knew it was wrong. She had no power left to stop it after giving it all to keeping herself together.

The alcohol made her nerves relax. It made her mind slow down. It made the images go away.

The deep purple touched her lips as she took three long swigs from the glass in her hand. She leaned heavily against the counter as she took it from her mouth, shaking her head. It was so wrong. She finished the whole glass in three more gulps. The soft burning in her throat comforted her.

Olivia glanced to her right. She'd be spending the night alone. The second glass went faster than the first, and the third and fourth faster yet. Her mind began to let go of the things that hurt her the most. She closed her eyes as she poured the fifth.

You're just like your mother. You promised yourself you'd never do this.

She kept pouring.

She was weak. You're weak. Making the images go away won't erase what happened.

The glass was too full. Liquid came spilling over the top of it as Olivia tried to react, tipping the bottle back up. She cursed quietly as she took two long drinks from it. Then she grabbed a rag from the sink. Her turn back to where she'd spilled dizzied her. The room contorted into images of every kind from the last year - everything she and Brian had ever done. She saw him the first time they'd given each other everything, but then Lewis was the one kissing her. His face was in hers as he smiled evilly.

Olivia pushed a hand to her forehead as she widened her eyes, trying in vain to make them stop. The room began to disappear as her panic set in. It was blurred around the edges as complete areas of the things she was seeing went black. When she saw Lewis pull the trigger on himself, her body let every muscle in her collapse. Her face struck the counter as she went down, already unconscious.

The doctor had told her not to drink. He had told her firmly. It's not that she hadn't listened. It's that she hadn't cared. Her body laid still on the floor of her kitchen. Her brain was dark. The images were gone. The alcohol had worked - again.


Nick, Amanda, and Fin sat in their desks the next morning waiting for their leader to direct them into a new case. She wasn't there. Nick checked his watch for the seventh time. 9:30.


Olivia stood in front of her mirror, dressed as usual, an ice pack to her forehead. She took a deep breath before removing it, hoping it wasn't still there. It was. Her skin above her left eyebrow was different shades of blue, purple, and brown. The bruising spread down to her eyelid as the cut straight through her eyebrow throbbed red. Her head pounded, reeling from the blow. Her eyes were red. Her face was white.

Not one sick day would suffice in covering it up. It would be obvious for weeks. Olivia scolded herself, first for drinking on a Sunday night - second for everything else. Gingerly, she used her makeup to cover it up the best she could. It wasn't enough to keep her squad from noticing. She knew it.


Nick was the first one to look up when Olivia came through the door. She didn't look up, instead training her gaze on a newspaper in her hand, coffee in the other.

"We were getting nervous you weren't coming." Fin spoke up with a smile.

Olivia didn't look up. She didn't even acknowledge that she'd heard him.

"You alright, Liv?" Amanda said the words gingerly. She knew Olivia hated them, but she had to ask.

Olivia kept her eyes down. "I'm fine."

She knew it hadn't sounded convincing, but at least she'd responded. "Get going on those fives from last case."

She said nothing more before disappearing into her office and closing the door. Nick looked back at Fin and Amanda.

"Damn." Fin sounded regretful. He was. Olivia's days were long and hard, and she was good at hiding her exhaustion. She wasn't able to this morning. Something was wrong.

Olivia tossed the files onto her desk as her head continued to throb. She was careful not to put her hand to her wound. It was when her eyes caught the picture behind her desk that she was brought to a halt. There she was, raising her hand to her head in salute as she accepted her promotion. Her uniform had always brought pride to her. She had been so ready that day to move forward with her life. But every day that had followed only added to the weight she was already forced to carry.

She swallowed again, fighting everything she felt. Was that even the same person in the picture as the one standing there looking at it? So much had happened since then. Lewis had gotten his final chance. He'd reopened all of her wounds that had just begun to heal. It seemed these would last longer.

Her entire body jumped when she heard the knock on her door quickly followed by the sound of it opening. She turned, looking straight into her partner's eyes. Nick halted immediately, his face gone pale. He could see the bruise that discolored her left eye.

"Liv -" He couldn't say anything else as he walked forward.

Olivia glanced down and shook her head. "It's nothing, Nick."

She crossed her arms to make herself look bigger than she felt.

Nick was weak in the legs as he saw the injury. It scared him. He remembered well the last time he'd seen a gash like that on her face: the day he'd brought her out of that beach house.

Olivia held his eyes in her own as he stopped mere feet from her.

"What happened?" He ignored her "it's nothing." It was obviously something. He reached for it, not knowing what he was going to do once he touched it.

Olivia moved her head to the side to keep him from making contact with it. "I fell - and I hit my head on the kitchen counter. I'm ok. It was just an accident."

When she locked gazes with him again, she could see he didn't believe her. She could expect nothing less. He read her like no one else could. He knew she was lying.

"If he hit you -" Nick shook his head angrily as he didn't speak Brian's name. He'd kill him.

"Brian would never do that." Olivia spat back. Then the pain from her head spread again to her heart. Her eyes strayed as her head became to heavy to hold up.

Nick noticed it as fast as she felt it. "What." He didn't ask a question.

Olivia forced herself to hold her head up again. "He's gone. We thought it was best."

The two just studied one another for a long moment of silence. Olivia could see Nick's regret in his eyes. He could see her pain in hers. It was like all his words were gone. He could offer nothing.

"God Liv - I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head, playing it off as she always did. She took a seat in her desk and opened the first file she saw.

"It is what it is." She used his own words.

Nick left the room when it became clear that their conversation was over. It was strange how distant Olivia was. Amanda and Fin were both looking at him when he came out.

"She's got a gash on her eyebrow. Just don't bring it up, alright? Said she fell." Nick sat down and sighed deeply.

"She alright?" Amanda leaned forward.

"I don't think so." Nick shook his head.

The room was silent for the remainder of the morning.


Olivia watched her detectives working hard. It made her guilt even worse. She had to be strong for them. She was the one they looked to for leadership. Yet she was the one wearing the evidence on her face that she was crumbling.

She didn't leave her office all day. She didn't visit with anyone else. The sun passed through the sky until the day drew to an end. With a deep breath, she stood up. It would be too obvious that something more was going on if she didn't speak to them all day. She left her office of safety and addressed her detectives.

"Nick, Fin, Amanda." They each looked up. Her injury was worse than they'd pictured from Nick's words.

Olivia could see them trying to keep their eyes from it.

"I hit my head." She explained quietly. "How far did you guys get on those fives?"

Fin cleared his throat. "I'm almost done."

Amanda nodded. "Me too."

Olivia pointed toward her desk. "You can drop them on my desk. I'll finish them tomorrow."

She already had her bag on her shoulder. "Have a good night." Then she was gone.


It was already dark when she stood in the mountainous multitude of ghostly graves. The cemetery was empty, the lights of the city behind her reflected off of the shining headstones. Her feet stopped as soon as she reached the place he rested. The name mocked her as the feeling of him chilled her.

William Lewis.

He was where he should be. But still he wasn't. He was invading her mind every day. How was it fair? The noises didn't reach her ears as she shoved her hands into her pockets. She was turning to go when she felt the metal of a gun make contact with her head. She froze when she heard him speak.

"Still haven't let me go, huh? I could expect nothing less." Then he walked in front of her as she stood, unable to move.

William Lewis stared back at her, wearing that smile of his. Olivia was unable to tear her gaze from his, even as his finger tightened on the trigger. She was still staring at him when the bullet entered her brain and the world disappeared in a flash of white.


Olivia jolted awake from the nightmare to find herself alone. Her body trembled as she shook the image of Lewis' face from her eyes. It seemed to be burned into her mind. She couldn't get it to disappear completely. It made her jump when she heard the ticking of the clock.

She took every step to the kitchen slowly, finding herself at the cupboard again. There was no time for her to grab for a glass. She put the bottle straight to her lips, taking in as many swigs as she could. The bottle was lighter than before after she'd finished. She waited for the sensation to spread throughout her every nerve. She waited in the dark to silence her brain, telling her everything she was doing was wrong.

That wine had the power to stop it, for however long. It began to take over her nerves. Her empty stomach sent it all straight through her blood. It softened the hard edges of Lewis face in her memory. Her muscles relaxed. When she made it back to her bed, she collapsed. Every nightmare was gone. It had worked again.