Disclaimer: I do not own "A Walk to Remember" , no matter how much I'd like to :)
This is the "You're afraid because you want to be with me, too" scene, in Jamie's point of view.
This is my first 'A Walk to Remember' fanfic. Please Review :)
Afraid
JPOV
"Jamie!"
I ran down the steps. I let myself run. Run far away. And fast.
"Jamie!"
But he was faster, of course he was. He was right there, I knew it.
"You don't know the first thing about being someone's friend," I spat at him, hoping he would leave. He had hurt me. He had chosen his friends, his precious reputation first. How could I ever trust that he wouldn't do that again?
"I don't want to just be your friend."
I hadn't exactly expected that. Well, maybe. Considering his rewrite in the show last night…
But still. This wasn't right. And he didn't understand the depth of what he was getting himself into. He didn't get what he was doing. He couldn't.
"You don't know what you want."
"Neither do you," he argued back. "Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you."
I was struck. How dare he think he knew me! I rounded on him angrily.
"And why would that scare me?"
His face was intense. "Because then you wouldn't be able to hide behind your books, or—or your frigging telescope, or your faith."
And the fact that those words hit home – that those words made sense, hit me with force. I had nothing more to say to him. Nothing.
"No…no," he said suddenly, grabbing my arm as I turned away from him angrily. "You know the real reason why you're scared? It's 'cause you want to be with me too."
I looked at him. I considered him, standing there before me. Though I'd never say it, I knew he was right. In more ways than he guessed.
Yes, that kiss last night struck me. It was everything and more. But I had said from the start. There was one rule, just one. No, not just the one I had told him, there was another part to it. I had promised myself. I would not – could not – fall in love with him.
It wasn't fair or right. I was not meant to be afraid of this disease eating me away. I was not meant to have a solid reason to want to stay in this life.
He had no idea how it scared me to consider how I wanted to be with him. It was too dangerous, and so unfair to him. He didn't understand, he couldn't possibly.
He thought I had no courage. He thought I was afraid of him and the choices I would have to make to be with him, and the problems we'd deal with. Well, I was. But that was hardly it.
I was afraid of what he would face, when he knew. I was afraid of telling him, and seeing his face. I was terrified of the comprehension dawning, and the horror appearing. I was petrified of him walking away – forever.
I was afraid of my feelings if I was with him. I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to die. How backwards that was. But I did not want to face death with a dark mind. I wanted to face it openly, knowing God had some other path for me, and accepting it willingly. I was afraid that if I had him, I couldn't do that.
He was right. More than he could ever dream, he was right.
I was afraid.
