Title: It All Comes Back To You
Summary: "Please just say something." You'll ring in the New Years with her to make them happy, make a stupid wish for what you'll never have, but you know that in the end, all of this will mean nothing to her. She'll forget you. She already has.
Shipping: Demi/Selena
Author's Outburst: Chances are, both girls will be at the Disney countdown that occurs tonight, but I wanted them to be at the Dick Clark's New Years countdown. This fic was inspired, actually, by last years countdown when Joe and Taylor are standing on opposite sides of Ryan when 2009 began. I realized that Selena and Demi have both done their best to avoid each other, so, the little plot bunny did the dance in my head and created this. It's not my best work, seeing as how writing in second person never works for me, but I tried. I either succeed or fail, you decide.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent
"If You Only Knew"- Shinedown
You don't want to be here, you want to be warm in your bed, snuggled up to your Macbook, writing your next blog. You want to be within reach of your Ipod that is full of John Meyer's latest soulful hits, you want to be within reach of your Blackberry that can instantly have you in contact with some of your best friends, like Jennifer. You want to have your television blasting some stupid action movie that you could care less about so you won't be reminded of what you have lost. You don't want to be here, but your manager thought that it would be a good idea, for publicity purposes, of course. And your mother thought it would be just what you needed to get you out of the house and stop mopping about situations that you can not control. So, you're standing here, bundled in your jacket, watching as she rocks the stage and your heart cracks a little deeper, a little more painfully in your chest.
It's your song that she is singing to the entire broadcasting proportions of America. You wonder if she remembers the first time she played you this song. You do, it's the only thing that you remember now days, it's the only thing that constantly plays in your head anymore. It was raining, it was Sunday, you were curled up in your bed as she sits down from you in her muscle shirt and panties. Her eyes never left yours as she sung every lyric powerfully,e very word meant especially for you and no-one else. You remember how she wiped the tears from your eyes, how she whispered how much she loved you, how you believed her when she kissed you. You remember the way her body felt pinned above yours as the linen sheets graced your bare back and you swore that you wanted nothing more in your life than you wanted her. Now the words are meaningless, now she doesn't love you any more and you aren't so sure you can handle that.
The guitar rips through the chilling air as she moves elegantly across the stage in her jeans and Chuck Taylor's, something that you have missed almost as much as her. You pretend like she isn't leaving you breathless, you pretend like she isn't the person who still holds every piece of your broken heart, like she isn't the person that you miss when you lay awake at night. You've gotten so good at lying to yourself that you almost believe it, until you look at her, and your heart ultimately betrays you, just like she has.
You shove your icicle of hands in your pockets as you let out a shutter, balancing on your heels, glancing at the people that surround you. The people that you must fake a smile toward, be civil when talking to, the people that you really could not give a crap about when the cameras turned off. You smile as Taylor makes her way through the crowd to stand beside of you, bundled in her own coat, her infamous blond curls still adoring her perfect face.
"No sign of crying or hair being pulled out. That's always a good sign," She jokes a smile and you laugh, a sound that is strange to you now, even to your own ears. But you realize that you can either laugh or cry and quite frankly, you are sick of crying lately. You share a quick gaze with Taylor, saying nothing but a simple nod of your head, before your attention returns to the stage as she dances in front of millions of fans and you wonder if she's aware of how beautiful she looks to you now. She takes a step toward you and suddenly her eyes somehow manage to find you, even though a crowd of screaming teenage fans and your world completely stops. She stops dancing now, the words do not come easily from her lips as once before and you can practically hear her heart racing in her perfect chest. The guitar slows down, playing the bittersweet melody as she takes a step toward you, acknowledging you for the first time in months, with tears in her eyes.
"We can't stop the world, but there's so much more that we can do. You can't stop this girl from falling more in love with you. You said 'nobody has to know', give us time to grow and take it slow. But I'd stop the world if it'd finally let us be alone. Let us be alone. You can't stop this girl from falling more in love with you...no, no. I'd stop the world if it would let us be alone...let us be alone," She signs in her all too familiar beautiful voice and suddenly you know that she isn't signing to the millions of people who chant her name, she isn't signing for America, but she's singing to you. The words, like the first time she wrote them, was sent straight from her heart to yours. But it doesn't mean anything, it can't, not anymore.
"Hey, are you okay?" Taylor asks, placing her hand upon your forearm and you find your eyes staring into hers. You don't have to say anything because Taylor, like Demi, can read you like an open book and the both of you know that you are not okay. You haven't been okay and you will never truly be okay until this entire mess involving the two of you is resolved.
"Oh, Sel," Taylor coos, trying to wrap her arm around you but you pull away with a weak laugh, holding your hand out in front of you because you know better, you know exactly what Taylor's hugs do to you and you don't want to feel like that now, not with every one in America watching you.
"No. No, because if you hug me, I'm going to fall apart and I'm so sick of crying over her. It's quite clear that she doesn't care so why should I?" You reply and it is undeniably the truth. You are sick of laying awake at night, the memories the two of you share playing through your mind, you hate how sick you feel when you think back to how you believed every word she said even though you knew better. You hate her now, but it doesn't stop you from being passionately in love with her, even after all this time, even after everything that was said and done.
"I wish this was easier for you. I know how much this hurts you," Taylor sighs and you shake your head weakly because she doesn't. You always said that you wanted to be like Taylor but you never wanted it to be like this. Last year, she had to stand here and watch Joe, the man that she loved and lost, but it was in no way equivalent to you losing Demi. Joe wasn't her soul mate, and there was no way she could have ever possibly loved as much as you did.
"Me too," You reply weakly and you do. You would give anything if this was all different, if you had never loved her at all. She exits from the stage, her coat bundled around her petite body, you watch as she smiles lovingly at Ryan, who compliments her on her performance before she walks toward you for the first time in months. You hold your breath as you share a glance with Taylor who only shrugs her shoulders as she steps away, involving herself in a conversation with the other Taylor, one that you knew she wouldn't be paying attention to. You hate her for leaving you alone now, for leaving you here with the girl that broke your heart. She doesn't say anything to you at first, instead she only shivers a sigh and you can not stop looking at her, at her dark bangs that cascade across her forehead. She's so different than you last remember, but she is still just as beautiful as she always was and you still love her just as much as you always did.
"Hey," Her voice calls out to you and it sounds so different now that you could almost say that she was a stranger. You wrinkle your brow as you rock back and forth on your heels, staring at her, and you hate how she still makes your heart race, even after all this time. When you don't say anything, she takes the incentive and steps in front of you, waving her hand in front of your face, a spastic smile upon her face and you fight to hide the laugh.
"So, you're talking to me now? Really? Am I that lucky to be graced by your presence? Gee, it's so nice of you to take time to talk to your 'fake' friends," You reply and you're surprised at how bitter, how cold your voice sounds coming out of your mouth. You know that you are still hurting over her, you know that you have every right to be angry and upset with her, yet you never expected to sound this upset, this uncivil toward her. You watch as she flinches at the acidly tone of her voice, she glances down at her Chuck Taylor's, holding back the tears and for a moment you almost feel bad, if only the situations had been reversed.
"Look, I know that a lot has happened since....we have a lot to talk about, I know that. But I was hoping that since this is a new year, maybe we could get a new start, you know? Forget everything that has happened and just start over or something?" She states with a bashful smile and you hate the way it takes your breath away, even after everything that has happened. You let out a quiet chuckle, your eyes betraying you as as you scan her perfect features before you find her dark brown glistening orbs yet again.
"Start over or something? It's been months since you even looked in my direction, since you even said my fucking name! I tried to contact you every day that you were away on tour, do you know how many times you returned my calls? Do you?! Three times. You didn't return my texts, my emails, you ignored my tweets and my stupid blog. Nothing. I thought we had something, Demi. Something amazing, something real, something that we could have with nobody else. And then...you...you left and you took my heart with you. Next thing I know, you're talking to Trace. Trace? Seriously? And Chloe...well she just can't seem to get enough of you, now can she?!" You explain, the harsh reality that you try so desperately to ignore creating a bitter pang within your fragile heart. You wait for her to disagree with you, to explain that you had the situation wrong and it was nothing like that. Instead, you are surprised when you find the same innocent, wide-eyed girl that you fell in love with when you were fourteen years old.
"Why here? Why now? Why, after all this time, do you just show up and expect things to go back to the way they were? What's so different about today than all the days before this?" You ask and you're not entirely sure that your heart can handle the answer but you have to know. You have to know why today she is looking at you like you're the only person in the world when all the days before, you were simply a childhood memory.
"Because it's New Years and we always spend every New Years together, remember? Christmas at my house and New Years at your place. We always spend it in our pajamas, watching this special, making stupid resolutions that we usually break the very next day. Last New Years was perfect and I know things are different now but I didn't want to spend it without you," Demi replies and it hits you hard that she even remembers last New Years, that she remembers the love that you shared. Your lips part as you stare at her but no words escape you, instead you struggle to calm your now racing heart.
"5!....4.....3....2....1!" The entire living room around you chants and a burst of applause from the group made up of family members, friends and lovers, erupts as the clock strikes midnight. You snuggle yourself into your girlfriend's arms as you watch the fireworks explode on the Clark's New Year special on your flat screen television, allowing a quiet yawn to escape from your lips as you watch your mother share a kiss with Brian. You feel the blush creep into your cheeks as Demi buries her face in your brunette curls, trailing your neck with feverish kisses that practically steal your breath and stop your heart. You hate it when she does things like this, she knows exactly the right places to touch to make you ache tremendously for the scent of her vanilla skin and the pleasurable texture of her lips placed tightly against yours.
"Hey you," She whispers in a husky voice from the back of her throat and you try to ignore the lust that you are sure is clearly written all over your face. You glance around the room of familiar friends, of people that you love before you turn to Demi, wrapping your arms around her neck as you sway close to her, counting the different colors in her russet orbs.
"Hi," You smile sheepishly, watching as the blush curls within her round cheeks. She only giggles, the large smile now curling upon her perfect lips and you can only shake your head, the smile forming upon your face as well. You can't believe this is happening to you, you can't believe that you could ever love someone as much as you love Demi. She leans forward, placing a quick kiss upon your lips before she pulls away, her hands curving at your waist, a perfect fit, you smile.
"Happy New Years. What do you wish for Selenalenalena?" Demi asks you and you look around the room full of your friends. You watch as your mother laughs at something Brian has said, placing her hand upon his chest with a grin the size of Texas. You watch as Dallas chases after Madison, your dogs dancing in circles around her feet and you can't stop the smile upon your face. This is it, you're happy, your entire family is happy. This is all you ever wanted.
"I uh...every New Years I wish for the same thing since I was eight years old. I told myself that if I wished hard enough, if I just believed a little more that it would come true," You admit to her with a smile and she only nods her head with a twinkle within in dark brown eyes, a twinkle that sends shivers ripping up your spine.
"Yeah? And now?" She asks and you shrug your shoulders.
"And now I don't have to wish for it anymore because you are standing right in front of me," You reply, your heart fluttering in your chest and you watch as the tears quickly appear within her eyes. She smiles at you in such amazement before you feel her lips pressed tightly against yours, a moan escapes from the back of your throat as her tongue wraps around your front teeth and it takes every bit of strength that you have to pull away from her.
"I wish....I wish that I can spend another amazing year in love with you," You reply with a teasing grin. She shakes her head, reaching forward as she tucks a strand of your lose brunette curls behind your ear, both of you shivering at the slight meeting of sensitive skin. You suck in a hard breath with a sigh, watching as your entire future unfolds in her eyes.
"I wish that I can spend my entire life in love with you," She replies and you blink back the tears in your own eyes as you pull her in for another kiss, your fingers twisting in her hair and in that moment, she completely stole your heart.
The tears are blistering in your eyes as the voice of Shine Down's leadsinger brings you back to the harsh reality that you are trying so desperately to escape. You let you a shivering sigh as you look at her, noticing the tears within her own eyes and for a moment, you want to forgive her. For a moment you want to tell her that it is all going to be okay, you want to collapse into her arms and kiss her, and believe that for once, things will truly work out the way that you want them too. But you know better, you know better than to love someone who has spent her entire life running, searching for something more and you know that, no matter how many times she will tell you that you are, you'll never be enough for her.
"'lena?" Her voice is shaking as it calls out to you and you swallow all the right words that you want to say in your throat. Instead you shrug your shoulders as you turn to her, allowing a shiver to escape from your lips, as you watch Shine Down sing the lyrical poetry that describes your current life and you find yourself singing along with the lyrics of 'If You Only Knew' and how badly you do wish that Demi only knew.
"Did you love him?" You ask and she wrinkles her brow in confusion, her lips parted and you pretend like you don't notice the wrinkles that curve around her perfect mouth, "Trace? Did you love him? Because when you tweeted...you talked to him the way that you used to talk to me...the way that you don't talk to me anymore. What about Chloe? In your stupid videos, I see the way that you look at her, I see the way that she looks at you. I'm not blind...I know that she likes you and I just...did you love them? Did you love them more than you loved me?" You're surprised to hear your voice crack at the end of the question and you are even more surprised to watch the tears form within her eyes. She shakes her head with a wrinkled brow, her lips moving but no words escape from her, except a weak cry that you were sure you wasn't supposed to hear.
"You followed my tweets? You watched my videos? Even after...even after everything that happened?" She sounds surprised and you don't know why. You always assumed that she knew that you would support her in everything that she pursued, even if the two of you did not care about each other, you always assumed that she knew that she had you hanging onto her very word as if they were the last ones that you would ever hear. You allow a chuckle to escape from your lips, taking a powerful step toward her, your entire body shivering from the brisk cold and from being so intensely close to the girl that you have been in love with every day since you were fourteen years old.
"Of course I did, I loved you, damn it. Just because the two of us were....just because I was angry at you, didn't mean that I didn't still support you. I watched your fucking show, I bought your album, I bought concert tickets that I gave to David because I wasn't strong enough to stand there and watch you sing our song. I made a promise to you that I would do anything that I could to make sure that you were living your dream, remember? Well I'm not a liar. I followed your stupid tweets to Trace and Nolan, I watched your videos with Chloe and it killed me inside but I did it because I loved you and I thought that it was worth it!" You yell at her and she flinches, pulling away, hurt and surprise clearly evident within her dark brown eyes, the same dark brown eyes that once could make you go weak in the knees.
"I didn't....I don't love them, Selena. I never loved any of them. Trace...he was just...Trace reminded me of you. Not that I'm saying that you are covered in tattoos and have weird piercings or anything. But you two have the same soul, the same heart. Talking to him was just something that I did...something that reminded me of you, something that reminded me that I still had everything to lose. And Chloe? Chloe...she's a good person and a good friend but I don't...I don't love her, I will never love her, no matter how many times she bats her eyelashes at me, no matter how many times you think that you saw me falling for her, I never did. Never. I love you. I've always loved you and only you. You're it for me, don't you know that?" She exclaims, her voice aching with sadness, a single tear falling from her eyes. You glance over at Taylor who only wrinkles her brow at you before she smiles sadly and returns to her conversation. You sigh, closing your eyes to keep your own tears at bay, you open your mouth to say something but before you do, Ryan Seacrest interrupts you.
"Is everybody ready for the countdown?! 10!" He chants along with the crowd and you swallow the cry in your throat, returning you attention to Demi. She's standing in front of you, her arms locked tightly at her side, her eyes staring lovingly into yours and you suddenly feel very much of sixteen years old again. Hidden away in your room, confessing your love to her after you returned from a date with Nick, telling her how you couldn't lie anymore, at least not to her. Standing here, staring at her, you realize that you've loved her all along, even all the times that you've told yourself that you hated her.
"Why did you only call me back three times?! Why didn't you return my emails, my texts, my tweets, why didn't you just say something instead of going about your life like nothing ever happened?! Did you miss me?! Did you think of me at all when you were on your stupid tour making your videos with Chloe or talking to Trace?!" You exclaim and you are suddenly very aware of how raw your emotion is, how, with saying very little, Demi has yet again managed to break down all the walls that you keep up to keep her out.
"9!"
"What?! Of course I missed you! I missed you every day that I wasn't standing right here, right beside of you, wrapped up in your arms. I missed you more than anything in this entire world, you have to believe me when I say that. I only returned your calls three times because I was only strong enough to do that three times. It killed me to be away from you, to hear your voice and know that I couldn't bounce up your stairs or appear on the set to whisk away on a date. I wasn't strong enough to be without you, Selena. But that doesn't mean that I didn't think about you every single day, because there wasn't one moment, when I wasn't wishing with all of my might, that I wasn't with you," Demi replies and it touches you, it causes the tears to appear in your eyes and struggle to keep them from falling.
"8!"
"Then why did you do it? Why did you just walk away and leave things alone? Why did you leave me here? It was like, out of sight, out of mind, wasn't it? I saw you with Miley, with Trace, I saw you with Chloe, you certainly were not thinking of me then, I was the last thing on your mind, Lovato. I missed you so much when you were gone, and I would have given anything to have been with you. I did everything that I could to protect you, protect your image, protect our memories but then...then when you started tweeting about how you had fake friends, how Miley was so wonderful, I realized something. I realized that you didn't miss me, that you didn't care if I was hurting and I suppose I stopped missing you, too," You whisper, your voice breaking and you are surprised at how easy it is to cry in front of her now.
"7!"
"The 'fake friends' thing, do you know why I did that? Do you?! No, of course you don't. None of you do. Every one thinks that I'm such a horrible person because I locked you out, but nobody takes the time to ask me why I did that! I saw you, 'lena! I saw you with Swift, I saw your videos, the way that you just seemed to comfortable with her. The heart thing? I saw it. I saw you with Lautner, I read the quotes. 'He makes me happier than I've been in a really long time', do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like I was piece of shit! I was upset, I was angry, because it sure as hell didn't seem like it bothered you one bit to move on even though I was never really gone!" Demi yells at you and you flinch, pulling away from the screaming girl as the tears cascade down her face and you realize that you've hurt her. Unintentionally of course, and while she may have been the one to pick up her things and leave you behind, while she may have been the one to move on with Trace and Chloe, you have betrayed her also.
"6!"
"Demi....I...I...we can't do this to each other. Not anymore. Not here...not....we just can't," You exclaim but she shakes her head, a new form of passion clouding within her russet orbs and it causes your heart to race in your chest. You watch as the space between the two of you gradually grows smaller and you struggle to catch your breath now.
"5!"
"No, we are doing this now! We're doing this right now, right here! I fucked up, I realize that, okay?! I am the one who screwed us up, I was the one who said stuff that I shouldn't have said, I was the one who acted on my emotions instead of taking the time to understand that maybe you were right, maybe you had a purpose for doing the things that you did. I realize that I fucked you over when I chose Trace, when I chose Chloe and when I chose Miley over you. I realize that. And I know that I'm not worth your time, at least not anymore, but I want you to hear me out. I'm not the same person that I was a year ago, I'm not the same person who hurt you. I've changed, a lot. But one thing that has never changed is the way that I feel about you. I'm in love with you and I know that at the end of the day, you're still in love with me, too!" Demi replies, her voice shaking you to your core and you fight to catch the breath that she is taking away from you.
"Demetra..." you sigh.
"4!"
"No, you know it's true! I can see it in your eyes, I can see it right now! You still love me! I'm sorry for everything that happened, I'm sorry that I was such an ass and I'm sorry that I just showed up here and am apologizing for everything that happened. I could have done it better, I'm aware of that but you're here and I don't want to spend another moment without you, okay?! I want you to know how I feel, I want you to know that I'm sorry and I want you to know that I'm till undeniably in love with you, just as much as I've always been! I wished for you, Selenalenalena," Demi cries and you shake your head, sucking a breath behind your pursed lips, ignoring the blistering tears that blind your vision.
"3!"
"I forgive you. I've always forgiven you. I forgave you every single day that you didn't return my calls, I forgave you when I read your conversation with Trace, I forgave you when I watched Chloe flirt with you. I always have. And I always will no matter what happens. Because I care about you. But things are different now and you know that. Wishes don't always come true," You reply, your heart breaking in your chest a little more inside as the tears fall down your face. She laughs weakly shaking her head as she stares at her Chuck Taylor's before her eyes meet yours and you die a little more.
"2!"
"You know that's not true. Look at where we are! Just look! Look around you. We're at Dick Clark's New Years Special with all of these people who know our names! We used to sit at your house with hot chocolate watching this exact special and now we're a part of it. We used to wish that we would be something bigger than Texas and now look at us. We have hit shows, hit albums. Wishes do come true. And I'm standing here, right in front of you, telling you that I'm passionately, eternally in love with you, Selena Marie Gomez. I'm standing here, fighting for you, chasing after you, because I know that we are meant to be together. We're destined. You know it, I know it, the whole fucking world knows it. Why else would you be the one that I asked to color when we were seven years old over all the other little girls?! The universe knows that we are meant to be together, this is just the way the universe is trying to fix us. I'm in love with you and you know in your heart there is nobody else that you could ever be with!" Demi cries, the space between you now gone and you try desperately to calm your now racing heart, the hear that always belong to her.
"1!"
"Say that you love me too, say that you want to be with me, say that you know that we are meant to be together...Please just say something," She cries but all the words fail you now, all the words are meaningless because none of them could ever begin to express the way that you feel about Demetra Lovato.
"Happy New Year!" Ryan exclaims as the ball drops and the fireworks erupt around you in an explosion of red, blue, green and orange lighting up the sky above you. You stare at her, saying nothing, only allowing the tears to cascade down your cheeks. Suddenly her lips are colliding hard with your own, your fists tighten at your waist as you fight to free yourself from her but instead she only holds you tighter and you slowly given into her kiss. Your lips fit perfectly together, not messy, not slopping. You move together like the perfect melody of a song, you collapse into her touch as a quiet moan escapes from the back of your throat. Slowly she pulls away with her infamous sheepish grin and you shake your head, the tears in your eyes.
"I love you," You whisper and you watch as the grin only exceeds on her face and a laugh escapes from her lips. You hate yourself for being so vulnerable, for being so weak, you hate yourself for giving into her and giving her exactly what she wanted but you know that when it comes to Demi, you're always going to be a push over for her, you're always going to try to move heaven and earth to see her smile because she's the only thing that matters to you anymore.
"My wish is that you'll forgive me. I wish that you will trust me, that we will find our way again. I wish that you will know exactly how much I love you, even if I do stupid things," Demi whispers against your lips and you only nod your head as you kiss her tightly, her teeth grazing across your bottom lip. With a sigh of content, she pulls away, intertwining her fingers around yours and you realize how much you've missed her hand in yours. How much you've missed her. You can't stop the smile from forming on your lips as you stare up at the fireworks exploding in the sky above you, your heart beating in perfect rhythm with hers, the heart that was never yours to keep.
"They are beautiful," You sigh, staring upward and you notice her eyes upon your face. You look at her, your eyes locking and you feel her tearing down all the walls that you kept up, all the walls that Taylor desperately begged you to tear down, the walls that kept your heart guarded. You smile at the tears in her eyes as she simply shakes her head, her hair coming forward just slightly and it sends shivers up your spine.
"You are beautiful," She exclaims, placing a kiss upon your cheek. You sigh as you give into her touch, allowing her to wrap her arm around your shoulder as you bury your face into her neck. You know better than to fall for her, you know better than to believe her words. You know that Demi has always been searching for something more, you know that in a few months she'll get bored of chasing after you, you know that she'll disappear again. You'll ring in the New Years with her to make them happy, make a stupid wish for what you'll never have, but you know that in the end, all of this will mean nothing to her. She'll forget you. She already has.
"I love you, Selenalenalena," She mumbles as she places a kiss upon your head and you really want to believe her. You want to believe that nothing will tear you apart this time, you want to believe that she won't run away but your mind can't seem to forget the past, even though your heart has already been lost to her. No, you clinch your jaw tightly, you can't fall in love with this Demi, you can't fall in love with the new Demi, no matter how sweet, how amazing, she may be. Because you're not exactly sure your heart can take it if this one leaves you, too. But for now, she has you wrapped up in her arms, for now, she's telling you that she's in love with you and for now, it's just enough to make this New Years perfect. She's perfect.
Happy New Years. :)
Reviews are welcomed with a huge Demi Lovato freaky grin. :P
